Brian unsupervised at PetSmart

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Never Again....bad idea... Husbands shopping unsupervised.

B went to PetSmart to get, squirrel food (aka bird seed) and came home with: Bird Seed, a new collar for the Doodle, 2 fish, and another fish tank.

I understand that fish are not the most labor intensive animals and I should be grateful that it was not a dog or other animal that requires daily labor...but dude..come on! Another thing for me to feed??

Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

Kids books my butt!!

I love to read. I am trying to instill that in Princess, Stinky, and Peas, so we read...a lot.

We went to the library to check out books as we do at least 2x a week and I let them pick out books. Usually I do not give them a second glance until I am reading them to the kids..That will be changing.

One book they picked out was by Jane Goodall and had a picture of a chimp and a dog on the cover, innocent enough right?? It was the most traumatic story I have ever read. I kept changing the story to be more child appropriate. Even the illustrations while full of emotion and amazing in that sense, conveyed more terror, and sadness than hope.

In the first two pages of that book, the mother is 'killed or mortally wounded' and will never be able to help the baby chimp again, and there would be no more comforting nursing! The baby is pushed roughly into a cage and taken, chained to a market. He has shotgun pellets lodged in his body that were painful...ya' think?? This was supposed to be the Good Night story...heck no..I would have nightmares off of that!

Eventually the chimp makes a friend and all is well until the he is again taken away from the friend. Ugh...

Another book we checked out had two girls that were playing dress-ups on the cover...innocent enough? Nope...One of the girls was teased mercilessly for being overweight...then she losses weight and is tired (my first thought was an eating disorder, but it was worse...) She had cancer!!! They showed her losing her hair and deathly ill...Again not a pleasant topic...I edited it as I read trying to make it not so scary...GAHH! I need to approve kids books too!

I have learned my lesson

Not to be a total whiner

Saturday, April 26, 2008

A funny story:

Our fire.

The scene: 5:00 am. B is at the firehouse, Peas is awake as is Stinky, Stinky is hungry.

Mommy (in this story played by a svelte woman who looks amazing despite her lack of sleep and sanity) half awake and half blind as cannot find glasses locates eggo waffles in freezer pops two in toaster while nursing Zoe and not tripping over stray toys/tails/or kids.

Something smells like it is burning...Mommy's spring allergies make the sense of smell a little off but she figures it is just crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. The smell gets stronger; Mommy walks around the kitchen like an idiot sniffing appliances trying to figure out what is burning while simultaneously nursing Zoe and trying to figure the location of a phone in case 911 becomes necessary and the best evacuation plan.

Mommy turns around sees wisp of smoke arising from the toaster...'ah-ha' Mommy thinks, 'just crumbs.' No sooner has Mommy thought that than a flame appears dancing in the toaster... 'crap' mommy thinks...sprints into the living room detaches Peas, runs back to kitchen, unplugs toaster with hot mitt and tosses it outside. Billy wonders what happened to his breakfast...he settles for cereal.

A lot

I just returned from a babywearing party...I am so jealous of these women. I want a home business, I need a home business, I feel my sanity slipping away...maybe this is why I over commit myself to everything, because I feel the need to be 'doing' something. But I can't 'do' anything. I can crochet and sew but not a whole lot else....if anyone has any ideas please let me know.

Other than that I have been longing to go back to school lately. I have been feeling burned out or unfulfilled mothering. I don't quite know how to explain it. I never anticipated being a stay at home mom. I never anticipated having three kids, nursing, babywearing or any of it...maybe it is my inner career woman calling.

Part of it I am sure is that I am angry...maybe not angry, maybe frustrated...Brian is a fireman. I get that...He has a side job..I get that...he gets to leave and talk to grown ups who appreciate his efforts and appreciate what he does. No one thanks me for making dinner or doing the laundry, or changing diapers.

I guess I feel alone. I feel like I am in it alone. I parent by myself everyday because Brian is working. At night when he is home, he is useless...(he is not good when roused from sleep). I am at the mercy of his schedule, of the firehouse. When he is home it is like having another child. Clothes get balled up an tossed, beds unmade, kitchen not cleaned up...I have to tail them picking up stuff...(yes I would like some cheese with that whine, thanks).

How come I had to give up my career? I had a job, I was good at it. I had to leave early to pick kids up from day-care, I had to get in late...that was my responsibility. Why is it mine? They are OUR children. How come he can get tied up at work and I couldn't??? Why? I feel like screaming or crying or both.

Overwhelmed that is how I feel. Like I want to run and hide. I try to put on a good face but I can't. I am a bad wife and a bad mother for feeling this way but I need help.

adventures in babywearing

Thursday, April 24, 2008

This is a story I typed up after an interesting Fourth of July last year. I found it this morning...

Our story begins on the Fourth of July in suburban Chicago. The morning dawns hot and muggy. After the ususal morning scramble of preparing breakfast for the family, dogs, and cats our hero mommy begins to discuss the days plans with equally heroic daddy.

As Daddy is a strong handsome (and hot) fireman the family has the option of going to the villiage where he serves to walk in the parade with the fire trucks. Our heros decide to risk the chance of rain and in patriotic spirit pack up and head off to the far away villiage (this is partly because the three year old has decided that she wanted to dress up like a princess). Chaos ensues. Preparing bags, diapers, cups for 2 children...

Heroic daddy asks heroic mommy if she wishes for a stroller for the 1.5 mile walk of the parade. Brave mommy says no, that she would just wear the nearly one year old boy in a sling and the three year old could walk or ride on the fire truck.

Our heros load into the car and set of on a journey filled with road construction and delays on the tollway. When the family exits the tollway hero mommy realized that due to extreme sleep deprivation that she neglected to ensure a sling was loaded into the car along with everything else that is needed for a 4 hour outing (which would be just about the entire house).

Panic stikes. No stroller, no sling what is a babywearing mama to due?? Hero mommy ever the quick thinker decides to find a fabric store and purchase enough fabric for a wrap and wing it.

Hero daddy and his amazing internet capable super phone zero in on a fabric store close to the parade that is (shockingly) open on the Fourth of July. Mommy purchases fabric, borrows scissors cuts down the fold of the fabric, commanders super phone and finds instruction on how to use a wrap. SUCCESS!

Mommy acheived the front carry in a DIY, no hem, no nothing wrap and carried stinky boy 1.5 miles in the parade, which he loved.

Princess 3 year old pranced her way next to her daddy holding his hand as he and 10 other fireman carried a HUGE flag.

Our tale ends with our heros, exhausted, pack the children, thrilled, back into the car and make their way back to the suburbs for a nap.

Girl Meets God

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I just finished this book. I truly enjoyed it and learned a lot from it. I love walking away from a book feeling like I learned something as well as had a good time. This book was educational in an academic way as well as in an introspective way. It made me take a closer look at the relationship I have with God and my religion as well as my faith.

There are so many quotes that resonated with me, that made me cry, when reading I was truly impressed. I may just go and buy the book because I loved it.

The story is autobiographical about a woman, close in age to me who is the child of a Jew (father) and a Christian (mother). Judaism being passed down the maternal line was not her 'religion' though she was raised in it. She elected to convert to Orthodox Judaism, and then to Christianity. I thought I was relatively well informed about the Christian faith but was left feeling uneducated and envious of her honest and personal relationship with God. Thus it has inspired me to read more by theologians.

Blue Princess take 2

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Some of you will remember last year when Princess decided to paint herself blue with a 'washable' paint marker.

She also painted my pillow and mattress pad (which by the way are still blue).
She did it again. Yesterday...

I made B take some time off of work and he did, thankfully, as my sanity was worn painfully thin after three sleepless nights and sick children, Princess was supposed to be having 'quiet time' in her room....well if it gets too quiet, worry, a lot.

She emerged from her room with blue lipstick on, of course it was from the same 'washable' paint marker, that just has to wear off, maybe next week she will no longer be blue.

Thought it would be different

Friday, April 18, 2008

When I started this blog I thought that I would write about some philosophically musings that I have constantly running in my head. I thought I would write about some of the books that I read, and what I thought about them.

Nope...My musings seem tied to cleaning. Unless I am cleaning, my brain is off. Books? I have read so many in the past couple of weeks but I don't quite know what to say about them. When I know what I want to say, I cannot seem to find the words to express it, or it comes out all wrong.

Maybe I need to nap

get off of me!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

As I type this Peas is nursing....again.

For the past 4 years I have been either nursing or pregnant and I want my body back. It has been on loan long enough. I have been a source of sustenance and I want to not be touched for a little while.

How horrible is that?

Rock and Roll Peas!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Two nights ago Peas rolled over for the first time. B and I were shocked. She proceeded to scoot herself around in a circle; Princess used to do that. We called it 'telling time'.

Today we had her 2 month check up (two months already??) and she passed with flying colors. She is 7 lbs 8 oz and she displayed her head holding up, smiling, and yes, rolling prowess for the doctor.

I have another Princess apparently Princess was early to do all of that stuff as well and walking at 8 months...and now Peas...ugh..I like them when they stay put.

Stinky does not sit still...ever. He only weighs 19 lbs 2 oz. I swear I feed him....other than that he is great (why can my children not gain weight?)

Sad days ahead

Friday, April 11, 2008

One of my good friends got some news last week that was devastating.

Her daughter was born at 27 weeks at a well known hospital, one at which you would expect exemplary care, one at which you would expect a 27 weeker to survive at...and she passed after 13 days. It is coming up on two years ago that she was born and they just learned that the hospital made several errors that caused and contributed to causing her death.

Her mother, one of the sweetest women alive, is tortured over this. In learning of the events it is like reliving losing her daughter. I have no idea how to help her through this. She has decided to sue the hospital in hopes that the same sequence of events never happens again. The courage with which Riley's family is exhibiting is amazing...they do not want financial gain...anything that they are awarded will go to charity

They feel betrayed, like the people who were supposed to fight for Riley failed her and they as parents failed her because of choosing this hospital.

This little girl touched/touches so many lives it is amazing. She lived each day with strength, courage and grace...her younger brothers are lucky to have a sister like her.

She always will be Amazing Gracie--Riley Grace

shake your tail....

Monday, April 7, 2008

we have a squirrel feeder. Technically a bird feeder, but I have never seen a bird eat from it only squirrels hence we call it 'the squirrel feeder'. The closest I have come is seeing a hawk watch it waiting for a squirrel to make a lunch stop.

Stinky loves it. Adores it. He gets very upset if it is empty, and he can pass hours looking out the windows at the squirrels hanging upside down eating their seeds. He points out whenever he sees a squirrel out there, and now we have started to recognize the daily visitors, who are every expanding in girth.

One day before the blessed nicer weather started we passed an entire morning pretending to be squirrels...we shook our tails and sat upside down against the couch....

Now Stinky when you ask him to 'shake his tail' will stick his bottom out and wiggle with a huge grin....

not a bad amount of entertainment for me and him for $4....

I hate food.

I hate food. Hate it. I am also anorexic. Have been since I was 9. I can't say that I was anorexic, because still to this day I freak out a little when I have to eat. I cannot sit down at the table and just have lunch. I start thinking about lunch and worrying about it as soon as I wake up. I was told when in treatment that the eating disorder never goes away. It is an addiction like drinking etc...the difference being that someone with an eating disorder will always have to coexist with food. It is hard. Some days are good days and I eat and some days are not and I 'forget'.

9 years ago I was in an intensive treatment program far away from home that probably saved my life. But left me with quite a few new issues. I still have dreams about being there, particularly when I am frightened or feeling out of control, which lately is always. It is always the same dream or a variation of it. I am there, I want to leave but they will not let me. A trapped feeling. I never never once dreamed of leaving that place, only going.

How I got there was kind of traumatic. I had no idea I was going. At 3:00 am Jan 13, 1999 my parents woke me with two 'escorts'. They had signed custody over of me to these people who were taking me to Utah. On the way I heard horrific stories of how other kids were 'kidnapped' occasionally drugged and taken to treatment centers, sometimes internationally, where there are lax child abuse laws. When in treatment I heard from the kids about them being taken away and some of what they endured. Consequently I have to know what is happening and when. I get panicked if things are unexpected...and I do not deal well with change. I took with me a book "Pride and Prejudice", my violin, and Tasha, my teddy bear.

One huge fear I have is passing this on to Peas and Princess. I try to never comment on weight, body shape, and size. I try to have reasonable expectations, I try I try I try. But it does not seem good enough. How can they be protected from what I have been through? How can they be safe?