cooking and fatigue

Monday, June 30, 2008

do not mix.

I was making shortcake for dessert...and well...I accidentally poured 1/2 cup of expressed breastmilk into the mix instead of cows milk...


Sad day for diplomacy

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I read this article and was saddened by it. Maybe distressed would be a better term. I do not understand why the current administration would want to begin another offensive when we cannot handle the two that we already have.

As much as I disagree with the current regime in Iran and the policies it holds, I do not think that we have the right to attack them right now. Of course nuclear proliferation frightens me but none the less I believe a military strike is unwise.

That is one reason I like senator Obama. He is open to talks with Iran; where the current administration likes to play, at least what appears to me to be a very juvenile game of 'if you won't play my rules, I won't play with you..'

Today is your birthday

Or not.princess 's birthday is really in May.Stinky 's birthday is in July so we had a party for both of them yesterday. I am becoming complacent and lazy.

The party ROCKED. We had about 65 people, so smallish for, beer, wine, was great! The kids had an amazing time. They ate far too many sweets and no one napped but everyone had such a great time. The kids were basking in being adored. Watching them love their family and watching our family love on them was amazing. It warmed my heart. I again realized how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family and great friends who are more like family anyway.

Peas is a party girl. She was laughing and smiling and totally eating up the attention of being adored.

I wish that more of my friends with children could have made it. I was sad that they couldn't.

Anyway. Thats it

Her name is Zoe

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I have had so many people question our decision to name her Zoe. Well thats her name. She personifies it, at least to me. It means life.

We had a list of names when she was born and immediately when she was born I 'knew' her name was Zoe. In fact I said it while they were working on her. 'Her name is Zoe'.

After that I questioned it. A lot. I went back and forth a lot. We had a terrible time coming up with a middle name (Madeline).

Her name is Zoe because she had difficulties at first and we wanted an inspiring name. Zoe fit. Life. She is full of it now. My Zoe full of life, full of love.

We know it is an unusual name. She is unique too. It would not have fit very well to have one daughter named Skylar and another named Mary or something...Zoe and Skylar work.

I could not imagine any other name for her now. Zoe, one O, no I, no umlaut, just Zoe, unlike the Salinger novel, and yes I know that character was male.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

as I have previously posted parenting is a journey kinda like the Odyssey...with several unexpected issues arising. It is in the handling of these issues that you earn your stripes as a parent or voyager, as the case may be.

I have made some good decisions and some bad ones regarding the rearing of my children. My "odyssey" began as a mainstream parent, then I started questioning the 'mainstream' view of things and learned to draw my own conclusions and do what comes naturally to me (for the most part, I must restrain myself from losing patience with my children at least once a day)

The purpose of this post is to question why so many parents simply go along with mainstream parenting practices. If they worked as well as they are supposed to, why are so many children on antidepressants, ADHD, autistic, and so many other things?

Please note that I am not blaming or accusing 'mainstream' parents of anything, more or less just encouraging them to listen to their hearts and learn their children, learn their cues, and listen to them.

For example one of my biggest pet peeves is sleep training. Why? Why did do parents feel the need to teach the kids to sleep through the night? Why let them cry it out? It breaks my heart when I have to let my kids cry for a few minutes. Children are children 24 hours a day and need parents 24 hours a day just because the sun sets does not mean that they need any less parenting.

Before anyone gets all upset with me, I will acknowledge that there are circumstances where CIO is warranted but parents should remember that children are children and should be treated with compassion


Sunday, June 22, 2008

Today we planned as a fun day. We got up, got dressed, revised Princess's clothing choices to something that was at least slightly weather appropriate, and set off on an adventure!

We took the train to Elmhurst to meet friends. Who new a train ride could be so exhilarating??
Stinky was decked out in a Thomas shirt, overalls, socks, and shoes...see a theme? He adores Thomas.

We got on the train in our town and rode for a few stops and got off in Elmhurst. A 30 minute ride. 30 minutes of awe...Stinky stared out the window, ignoring the world with the exception of the view from the train.

We got off, went and played with a model trains, to lunch, to a park, to get ice cream and then finally back home on the choo choo, with three exhausted children.

Princess loved it, she got to see where mommy grew up, she played in the park that Mommy played in as a child, she ate at the restaurant that Mommy and Grammy and Papa ate at every week after church. She had a wonderful time. Now I am ready to sleep. My mastitis is very painful and bed looks awfully good.

I am sorry I hate you

Friday, June 20, 2008

a quote from Princess to her brother. In our house we have a few words that we just don't say. Hate being one of them. 'its not fair' is another forbidden phrase...(freedom of speech is a great thing but not in my house)

Well one night as the kids were doing their normal greco-roman wrestling over some toy that the other had previously not noticed until the first had picked it up at which point it became the most coveted toy on the planet. Which leads to the wresting greek style. Sometime during this episode Princess tells Stinky that she hates him. Which elicits a response froshe am the mommy team. (it should be noted that despite the physical violence involved mommy tried to stay uninvolved and 'let them work it out themselves' one would expect that Princess would have have the obvious advantage because of her greater size, however Stinky is QUICK). Regardless at the shout of the phrase "I hate you" a time out was immediately called and a foul issued against the 4 year old, even though the 2 year old does not understand the meaning of 'hate' I do not want it to become a habit to break. Princess was told to tell Stinky was sorry, her response 'Okay Stinky, I am sorry I hate you...." what do I say to that???

I know its not my fault, but I'm sorry

was Princess's comment to me regarding my mastitis when i told her i was sick and didn't feel good. how sweet is she!

nine years

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Utah was 9 years ago. 9 years. Seems like forever when I put it that way. But it is so fresh, it very well may have been yesterday. I still dream about it, a lot. The dreams are not always good, in fact they never are.

Brian has asked me what it was like, but I cannot fully describe it. No one can. I ask my friends who were there with me and no one can explain it. There are too many things that need to be included to explain it, and when you try and explain all of them it is overwhelming to listen to and keep track of (imagine living it). Also, it loses something in translation. For now the answer always includes the disclaimer, you had to have lived it.

How can something that quite literally saved my life still give me nightmares??

My old therapist, since retired, is still on my speed dial. His home and cell numbers. I called him when all of my children were born.

I still fold my clothes 'structure' and get all upset if the bed is not made right. I am also a freak about the first weekend of every month cleaning obsessively.

There has to be someway to describe what it was like. The parts that saved me and the parts that lost me. I can never find the words to express the feeling behind it. Overwhelmed doesn't cover it, scared doesn't cover it, lonely, all of it. But at the same time I felt safe. For the first time in years, I felt safe, sometimes.

I still have an eating disorder. I still have depression, I always will. That is sad. I still freak when I think I eat too much, when my jeans are a little tighter than yesterday... It is exhausting to worry so much about food and weight. Yet I understand on an intellectual level that it is just food and if I gain weight it is just weight, but that thought makes me itch.

Prozac and xanax are my life lines. Sure it sucks knowing that something in your brain is broken and you can't feel what you are supposed to feel and these tiny little pills turn me from crabby pants to someone much more livable. I am glad I have them, but I hate needing them.

9 years and I still am not over what happened out there. Am I supposed to let it go? Can I? Do I want to?

No, I don't want to. The experience was so much. So much everything, painful, happy, terrifying, by holding on to it I feel like it has the importance in my life that it deserves. It almost seems that it makes it real. Like the scars on my arms are not real enough.

good article

Monday, June 16, 2008

even though I am an obama supporter, I found this article well written. I liked the message that it sent.

Even though Hilary did not win the democratic nomination a lot of credit has to be issued for her. Part of me hopes that she runs again.

( I wish I knew how to rename links to say 'click here' and what not but the link is there!)

I have a laptop!!!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

This is my first official post from my very own laptop!!! Woohoo!!!

Go Girls!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Last night I met some friends for dinner. It was fun! I need other women! (and I am finding out that one of my friends and I have some bizarre parallels in our lives and beliefs, which I love because I have always felt 'out there')

Now the frustrating part. I saw my friend who I think is the sweetest person alive. She inspires me to look for good in other people and to try and be as genuine as she is. She is also is hard to see that right now. It was hard to learn that another friend is expecting. I totally did not think I would feel that way. I totally did not think I would be jealous of them.. But I am.

Maybe I do want more babies...

By the way to my friends who are expecting...I am totally thrilled for you!

The Return of Pain

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Last year Skylar refused to be in her room alone. We finally figured out why: a dinosaur named Pain was living in her bed and wanted to eat her tummy.

Hmmm. Dinos in closets I can handle, under beds I can evict, but in her bed? That presents a unique challenge. At long last we convinced her that the dino just wanted to tickle her tummy and kept coming back every night because he wanted to be her friend..

Now Pain has returned. now he is grumpy. any ideas on helping a dino move to his own room?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Motherhood journey

I am not the kind of mom I anticipated. Heck I had not exactly anticipated kids, let alone 3. So when I found I was pregnant I did what every student does, go to the library (duh) and checked out essentially the entire pregnancy section.

What I planned was simple: for pregnancy and labor and delivery epidural all the way, baby would sleep in his or her own crib in his or her own room, be bottle fed (formula), use all the chemically things, use disposable diapers, go to daycare, have a schedule, I would continue with school and a career and be a working mom, oh yeah and no more kids...ever...

Well lets see how that panned out:

Skylar was a preemie which kind of threw a wrench in the labor and delivery plans. Yes I had drugs after three days of terrible labor I needed to take a break. Skylar had a bassinet which she may have actually been in once or twice but she usually slept with me, she had her own room which was essentially used only to store her stuff in, she was nursed (at Brian's encouragement, it really meant a lot to him that I nurse, and I did, then feel in love), I started reading labels on chemically things and could no longer stomach them, disposables were too expensive for preemies so cloth diapers were used, and if you have met Skylar you know that she sets her own schedule, that independent streak has been there from birth....I did go back to work, she did go to daycare, and well the no more kid thing....cute idea huh?

With William it just got worse. I started slinging him, never bothered with a bassinet, quit my job, still nurse the boy, natural labor/delivery, etc. With Zoe her cradle is more of a stuffed animal storage bin (there is a cabbage patch doll in there now)....

Why the change? Aside from "the best laid plans of mice and men..." saying, I think I did what I needed to do to feel in control of the situation research and afore mentioned I need plans....But as I got into the mother role, I realized that I was doing things that did not seem natural or right, and when I learned to let go and do what I was comfortable with everyone was happier....The way I parent is not right for everyone, but it works for us. I am not fighting an internal battle about what I should be doing and what I feel I need to do. Thus everyone is happier, happier moms make happier babies.

what does

Saturday, June 7, 2008

5 cases of beer 1 case of mikes hard lemonade and 6 guys get you???

A new fence!!! Yay!

why does he not talk?!?!

Monday, June 2, 2008

that is an exaggeration. William does talk. Just not a lot. I think I finally figured out why! Skylar will not let him get a word in edgewise!

Delayed reaction

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Friday night I met a friend to go see the SATC movie... I now can say I understand how my husband felt about the anticipation for Star Wars or something...except I did not dress up...not that i could afford clothes worthy of SATC.. and I would have ruined them.

Goodness though, it was worth it. It was one of those days when you feel like the world is against you to get anything done. As I pulled up to the theatre and found a parking spot in a different zip code it started to pour. Rain like i have never seen it rain. I started to look for pairs of animals during my 1000 meter dash to the door. I got in and suffice to say, I did not need a shower later that night everything was wet. But, I was so excited nothing could stop me, certainly not a a little deluge. I met my friend laughed about the moist nature of my outfit. and sat down to be entertained.. it did not disappoint.

I laughed so hard during parts of it and I wanted to cry during parts of it. I love the way it highlighted the loyalty in female friendships. When Carrie hit Big with her bouquet I could feel her emotion. When Carrie looked in the mirror in Mexico after her non wedding, I could have cried, who as a woman has not felt like that? Watching Samantha feed Carrie when she did not have the strength to do it was incredible. The depth that they brought to the characters sets this movie apart in terms of consummate 'chick flicks'.

I did notice how one of my friends reminds me of Charlotte. Kind, sweet, always taking care of everyone.. That and she looks like her too (totally a compliment).

Watching it brought up a ton of emotions I did not know I even had. It reminded me of the times that I spent watching the show as a first run series and how different my life is now, how different from the way I expected it, part of me mourned for that me. I was not expecting to have to confront my emotions re my lost pregnancy...that caught me off guard.

The clothes....what can I say. divine. amazing. wow. I wish for just a few days I could live that life. Incredible clothes pretty shoes, nights out. I have friends who have that life oddly enough we envy each other.

When the movie ended I had to go home and survey the damage. my children were still alive however not in bed...oh well..

as an aside how does SJP look like that after pregnancy?? color me jealous.