You have some big paws to fill

Sunday, February 28, 2010

How long is normal to grieve for a dog? I have grieved for Ali longer than I have for most people. I still miss her every day. I miss her delicate nature and amazing coloring. She was a beautiful girl. She loved the kids- they were her babies. She comforted them she played with them she loved them. Everyday I think about her and her springy tail. Maybe I am transferring grief from one loss to the next??

When Aurora came into out lives I did not expect to replace Ali because no one could ever replace her. Aurora is a totally different dog. Much more vocal- just as smart- not nearly so dainty and delicate. But I find myself missing her. Thinking how would Ali react. She was an amazing dog who gave us some great memories. Sledding at my parents is one of the best. Looking into her blue eyes- she had spirit and spunk and was an amazing dog.

Aurora you are a puppy- we love you. Our hearts have grown to love you include you- you are now a part of our family. Thank you for helping us to heal. Thank you for being a puppy with personality all your own. Thank you. We love you

in years past

Saturday, February 27, 2010

when a ship flew a yellow flag it was to signal quarantine. Maybe I should invest in a plain yellow flag for our home.

It starts with one. I naively think that maybe it is a fluke- maybe only one will be sick- wishful thinking. Stinky made a pretty rapid recovery though; he was not himself for the rest of the day but- what can you expect? So far the other kids were holding up well.

My mother arrived early the next morning- and we had to decide what to do. Stinky was still out of sorts- he did not want to do anything. Which could be him being three and a half or it could have been remnants from his virus. Sledding won out- despite his protests after he went down the hill a few times with me he seemed fine.

At lunch I noticed that the kids really did not eat which was strange- normally they devour anything put in front of them. Once home they played with Grammy- the whining was a foreshadowing of the illness to come and it did come.

Dinner no one ate and the kids were starting to drop quite literally like flies. They were dozing on the floor being 'blah'.

A bit after bedtime Princess woke crying. She does not usually wake crying. Once on the stairs on the way to her room it was obvious what she was upset about- the smell- good heavens. If you have ever been around kids with the stomach flu- you know the smell. It gets in your nose and clings there- it clings to your hair, your clothes and it makes you want join the kids in the bathroom. Unfortunately- Princess did not make it to the bathroom a sheet change and shower later- she was back to bed with a puke bowl.

Next Peas woke whining. You cannot explain to a 2 year old to aim in the toilet or grab the bowl. She just was sick. A lot. Another sheet change, pj, change, and bath later- I pretty much gave up on sleep for the night on top of that my stomach was not feeling so calm.

Thank Heavens my mother was there. Thank heavens I was not alone. I needed all of the extra hands I could get.

Peas came into bed with me again- and again puked. Another sheet change, another bath, more new jammies. Back to bed. I prayed for no more issues- I was nearly out of sheets- silly me thought I was getting a leg up on the mountain of laundry.

In the morning Princess had recovered substantially and Peas was acting pretty good. She ate some. Bad idea. The blankets on the couch needed to get washed too then. Since then everyone has been recovering- slowly testing their stomachs. With moderate success. I should know better that it is just one- it is rarely just one. Kids may not share toys but germs are much easier to be generous with.

So where do they sell these flags??

What happened to art??

Friday, February 26, 2010

Princess...oh my have always had a way of expressing yourself in ways I could not imagine.

The other I asked her what she liked learning about. We had been discussing money and coins (where can I take her to show her different countries currencies?), we had discussed Lincoln, penguins whatever was interesting at them time. Her answer is quintessentially princess: "I love learning about the presidents of our great nation"

I darn near spit out my drink. I was expecting her to say doing art projects or going to the library... something else...just not THAT.

These moments remind me how fantastic my kids are- despite the crazy times, despite, the times I want to hide from them, it comes back to this. It comes back to my big girl can with a simple sentence jog me from my gloomy mood and make me laugh.

Another wonderfully Princess moment was on my bad day I had to pick her up from her activity and she bounded up to me, huge grin on her face, and asked: "did your bad day get better mama??" her compassion and empathy make me so proud to be her mother. She is a pretty cool girl.

Pole Journey

Thursday, February 25, 2010

So Tuesday was my pole night again. They highlight of my week- I looked forward to it all week with anxious anticipation. I was again nervous being that we had a substitute...

I was not disappointed.

For the purpose of this post I am going to focus on something that happened to me or in me during the meditations/stretching portion.

I was laying on the mat, looking at the lights on the ceiling, the flickering light of the candles. The instructor told us to breath deeply, to recall a time when we felt, feminine, sexy, powerful, brilliant, strong, and beautiful- like we could do anything. I searched my memory and could think of nothing that fit all of the requirements- that made me sad. It began to sink in that this class would be FAR more than an exercise class- a fitness class- that this class would be much more of a fitness class for my spirit. That emotional self is in more need of fitness class than my physical self.

We began to move- I was awkward, jerky, unsettled- my heart was empty my spirit was tired.

All of this I preceded my melt down. I think the two are inexorably linked. So true to form things are darkest before the dawn.

this is a hard post to write

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I am struggling. White knuckling it.

I feel so alone. So trapped. So isolated. I feel like I have a 'treat me like a maid' sign slung around me.

It has been rough here today. I cannot even begin to explain how frustrated I am at the moment. Peas following clinging, screeching, crying begging to nurse, Stinky talking back and the whining- goodness the whining- Princess telling me EVERYTHING and all of it being SOOOOO DRAMATIC and tragic. Pixie just needing to be loved as any baby does- but Peas having a fit if I pick up Pixie. I do not know how to work with her- to parent her- she is such a bundle of love that does not listen. She climbs EVERYTHING. I do not want to damage any of their spirits I love them all sooo much- and I am afraid by being mean I will. Then the typical kid stuff- 'she is looking at me- he poked me-'. It is emotionally exhausting; added to that the dogs; Charlie may need to be re-homed I cannot keep cleaning up after him. He piddles a little on things usually the same things but I am tired of cleaning it up.

Today I am at my end. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know. I am scared I can't. I need some help to keep it going- but I am tired. Physically emotionally I cannot give anymore- I want to scream to cry to run away. for it all to just stop. Doing everything is too much. I feel like I am going to break. I need some space some real space more than an hour here or there. I need to be nurtured and loved. There is no one I can go to and drop my crap on there lap and say 'you hold this for a little- I am tired' Part of that is my fault. I am not good at being vulnerable so I hold it together and hold it together some more and keep trying to look like I am doing okay when I am about to fall apart.

Today some cracks in the veneer appeared and my frustration leaked out- on to my children. I yelled more than I wanted to or should. I said mean things- I threatened to throw toys away- I was unkind. I was not the kind of mother I want to be. I how can I be my childrens' safe place if I am mean? i am so sorry I was unkind. I don't know how to fix it with them or fix it with me so I am not carrying around an enormous load of stuff.

So today I need help. I need support. I need to feel safe. I need a hug or a prayer- or just a thought that I am not in this alone.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I signed Stinky up for preschool 2 afternoons a week. To give me a break from his three year old intensity and to let him play with other boys his age. He loves it. Looks forward to it.

So this morning the kids had me going from the start of the day- like before sunrise- typical. Thankfully the morning passed quickly and soon it was time to send him off to his school.

I always seem to think they are cuter, nicer, etc when I am dropping them off or leaving for a bit. I think it is biologically based to assure the species that we return to care for our young (if it is not let me keep believing it, please and thank you).

Today, I felt a little guilty, I was super annoyed and tired before- why does dropping him off at school tug at my heart? I know he is safe there and having a grand time.

He was so happy to see me when I went to pick him up. Sitting with his friends he jumped up and announced, "there is my mama!" I was so happy. Maybe we just need a little bit of a break from each other to refresh us and be ready for more.

giveaway ideas

I had such a great time doing the last giveaway... now I cannot decide what I should giveaway next any ideas that are about $30?? ideas?? let me know what you would like!

I have been sucked in

Monday, February 22, 2010

To the Disney Marketing Machine. I have steadfastly resisted for YEARS- but caved. Princess wanted to see "High School Musical". So we made a family night out of it. Made lemonade, popped popcorn, pulled out the sofa bed, and cuddled up with blankets to enjoy the movie.

Sure it was over the top and entirely implausible but everyone enjoyed it. It was innocuous enough- compared to a lot of things out there.

I do have a comment about a lot of the vocals in the movie though- is it the new thing to sing all breathy?? Is that in now? I am I that old?

One part that I enjoyed was the female 'villain' was named Sharpe, as in the dog, there was enough 'grown up' humor to keep me entertained too.

I do not think that I will be taking the kids to Disney World anytime soon, a) it is FAR to expensive and b) the commercialization and marketing to kids somewhat offends my sensibilities. But movie night is okay- for now- I guess.

It has been years

Saturday, February 20, 2010

literally since I have seen my first husband in person. I could happily go the rest of my life without seeing him. But still so many years later he invades my dreams. Robs me of the peace of sleep. Terrifies me even while unconscious.

Why after all of these years do I still dream about him and wake up sweaty shaken and compelled to check the doors to make sure they are locked?

Why can he still do this to me? Why do I let him? Why can't I get some peace from him even after the divorce?

Peas Party's Hardy

Friday, February 19, 2010

I thought it was hysterical that she passed out her cupcakes! Such a little hostess!

Incidentally the dress she is wearing in the photos was my dress a few decades ago. I wore it to kindergarten. Peas is two. Yes I was that short. Yes I still am that short. But I prefer the term "travel-sized for convenience".

You mean not just abject joy?

As a woman and a mother I am supposed to take joy from my children. But they are also really generous with the headaches and frustration too.

However- if I express anything other than the joy I am termed a bad mother. A mother who does not LOVE every second of motherhood? How dare I. Well, oh well.

Being a mother is the most singular challenging activity that I have ever engaged in.

Of course I love my children, but at 2 am when I am being woken up for the 4th time that night I am not always thrilled to see them.

Truth be told I do not ALWAYS want to share my food...but I do.
Why am I saying this?? because someone told me once that they did not think they were cut out for being a mother because they were not overflowing with joy at every moment.

If you are not overflowing with joy all the time- ok- you are human. Does ANYONE absolutely love every moment of their job? Does it at times get tiresome? Frustrating even?

Giveaway UPDATE!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Well it is over. I was thrilled to do it. Be sure I will do more giveaways in the future. You think one a month would be good???

I have emailed the winner and I hope she loves her ring.

Keep an eye on my blog for new giveaways!
Thank you all for taking the time to enter and I hope you'll enter again soon!

It is cheaper than therapy!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

and I should know! Last night as my first official Tease class... It was really good.
Last week was supposed to begin my new stint as a Tease student but due to snow it was canceled. Chicago weather has the worst timing around.

I was all set to walk to Tease if need be for my first class. As driving is in general not my favorite activity even less so in the snow at night. Tears almost flowed in my living room when I got word that Tease had called a snow day.

Back to last night.

I was again really intimidated after my intimate Teaser class with just my friend and the instructors I was unnerved to see so many women. I had to be sensual with all of them there?? Watching?? Really? Our instructor is so genuine and sweet (and has an amazing body and incredible sensual movements that I can only hope to emulate) I am looking forward to getting to know her better.

However- I am not comfortable in groups. I get really nervous and really scared. I become someone whom I am not in an effort to have the other ladies like me... I am going to strive this session to learn to be comfortable and love just being me... that is my goal. That stated- the ladies in my class seem like I could be friends with all of them.

Class began. Meditation- centering...learning to connect your physical body and your emotional being. Learning to express your emotional in a positive way. Learning to appreciate and love your body and its curves for all of the amazing things it has done.

Which brings another topic. If you have read my blog you know I have endured the fun of an eating disorder- learning to appreciate, not just accept, my body is a huge transition in thought for me. Not being negative about my body will be a huge struggle- one that I will need help with. And maybe just maybe one that I can win- or at least tie.

Finding peace in my body is so important to me now as a mother- heaven forbid my children go through the hell I did battling my physical body with emotional pain and turmoil.

So here I am 24 hours post class and I am still digesting what I learned- not movement- but emotional exploration of my physical self and emotional self. There is apparently a lot of uncharted territory.

No Pictures Please!!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

On Sunday (also Valentines Day) we had a party to celebrate Peas turning 2. LOTS of people. LOTS of food: 70 cupcakes, one sheet cake of ice cream cake, cookies, italian beef, pasta, veggies, salad...blah blah get the picture lots of people came to celebrate Peas- or what I term celebrating the fact that she is still alive! She has not been lost!

One of our friends also delivered the gifts for the kids from Christmas. Princess and Stinky got video cameras. To the friend who did this who shall remain nameless- thanks- a lot (if there was a sarcasm font- that would be in it. Now I feel the need- much like celebrities to do everything in an outfit and full make up- no more lounge wear here! So I suppose the cosmetics companies would also like to thank you for their increased revenue. I suppose also the local psychologists would also like to thank you because inevitably they will record something that will damage their delicate psyche. Another issue. Youtube. Heaven forbid they figure that out. Because I want everyone to see me lose my patience with the kids when they choose not to listen.

So in the words of a movie star- "No pictures, please"


Sunday, February 14, 2010

I am so freaking excited! When I heard this woman was willing to sponsor a give away on my blog I did a little giddy happy dance- yes I do them- it is one of my many talents.

Whatever. For the goods:

This amazing artist is giving away a ring on my blog- how cool is that?? She is also the woman who I blame (and credit) with my new attraction to making jewelery- she taught my friend any my class in Galena during which I made a really pretty bracelet- and who doesn't love something that sparkles!

Chelsea sells her creations at her families store in Galena (Galena Beads) as well as in her etsy shop: Hollingsworth- check it out- she is super talented.

She has designed and made this ring called "Dancing In The Street". I cannot describe it any better than she did.

Imagine a quiet night in Galena, Illinois. You're all dressed up and ready to go downtown and rock the night life. The little streets lights cast pools of light onto the sidewalk as you're walking and every now and then the little pebbles in the cement glitter in the darkness. This ring is the product of a moment like that. It's dark and almost subtle, but yet fun and sexy.

Here are a few pictures of the awesome prize:

How to enter....

Leave a comment tell me your favorite nightlife thing to do bowling, dancing, bars... tell me!
For a second entry facebook/tweet this post and tell me you did in another comment
For another entry (see how generous I am) follow my blog! and tell me you did in yet another comment

I will draw a random winner on Wednesday February 17, 2010 and get shipping information--- then you'll get your ring!

***If you do not have an email in your profile please email me at so I can contact you if you win****

Peas Turns 2

Friday, February 12, 2010

Where have the past 2 years gone? SO much has happened. We are not in the same place we have grown so much. Of course Peas has grown she was a 3 lb preemie and now she is a 21 lb toddler who lives her life HER way.

There is a lot I could learn from my two year old girl. She loves intensely. At night for bed she hugs me with both arms strongly holding me there. She shows her joy, her frustration, her sadness without abandon- she knows that her family who love her will be there to pick her up and kiss her and make her feel better.

She has opinions and does not care who thinks what about them. She is very proud of herself. Her art- her wardrobe creations.. all of the is thrilled with it. She is sweet and genuine and caring. A wonderful little girl.

Peas is who she is and makes no apologies. I will work on being more like her


Thursday, February 11, 2010

In Peas translates to "TA DA!" meaning "look what I did, isn't it incredible?". Usually this is when she is presenting a new master piece of artwork that she is thrilled with...and that girl has some pretty refined pen holding skills. However, "Da" has been used to reference the remodeling of the bathroom to an indoor swimming pool, the redecoration of the kitchen cabinets, that are within 2 year old reach, with the design asset of ball point pen, or costume design. So whenever Peas surfaces happily announcing "DA" I half way cringe wondering what my free spirited girl has gotten herself into this time.

Poor Kitty

As I have mentioned before I have 2 cats an all black one and a calico one. I have also talked about the black on pulling out her fur. Well on her back half she is running out of fur to pull out- and I am at a loss. She is obviously very stressed and anxious but I can't seem to figure out how to help her.

I wish I was not frustrated with her but- cleaning up hairballs on my comforter three times a week is getting really old.

How do I help her? I have read things about spending more time with them just petting them but- well that is not always that practical. Ideas?

(not to be cruel but she is pretty funny looking)

Barking dogs

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

seeing as it is 11:35 Chicago time now and I am home with the kids sans a big strong man to protect me and my dogs just started barking like wild animals. I thought I would post- I mean what better time right??

I know I live in a reasonably safe community with good neighbors and two dogs on an interior lot (I believe that the likely hood of property crime is less on an interior lot- I have no idea if this is supported by statistics- but if it is not please let me live in my fantasy world.); but when the dogs start barking for no discernible reason I get a wee bit nervous- ok a lot of bits nervous- because what would I do? Through dirty diapers on an intruder??

Just makes me nervous that is all and I am already high strung (a teensy teensy bit).


like Backdraft with less sexy actors and fewer fires.

Apparently some people have had an issue with this post. Okay. Well, I do not even know what to say! My intent was to have a tongue in cheek way of telling new moms to 'calm down' which all of us can do- I am not judging or mocking or ANYTHING. I have been in the first time mom shoes- with a preemie- in the NICU! I believe the receptionist at the pediatricians office knew my name before our 2 day post discharge check up! We are mothers who love our kids more than anything- I understand- but we all need to take ourselves a little less seriously- and maybe enjoy our little ones why they are little.

If anyone took offense I am apologize. Offending or judging was not my intention.

Shaken, stirred, and nicley chilled.

Cold weather, a foot(ish) of snow, blustery wind, and an earthquake?? Where do we live again?? Suburban Chicago right? yes you read that right at 4 am this morning the Earth decided to play a game- by shaking us out of bed. My older children apparently inherited their sleeping from their father; Peas however was startled and were the dogs. Aurora howled and warned us all of impeding doom and Charlie sweet boy that he is stood on guard but obviously very scared growling his big boy growl at the invisible threat.

Aside from needing to be snuggled we were all fine. Our house is also perfectly ok. However, I am concerned- this is the second earthquake I have felt in Illinois in two years- when previously- I can recall none.

Also our homeowners insurance does not cover earthquake losses nor does it write riders to cover such losses...
oh goodness

Being a yak would really suck

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Today I pulled 100 lbs kids a mile in the snow- while it was still snowing. Yaks have a hard life. I had a fantastic work out.

It snowed a lot today- ya- in Chicago- in the winter- take a minute work on your surprised face.....there you go.

So my little kids are like Shetland Ponies. They are small but they are hardy. Out in all sorts of weather. Like the Post Office- but less likely to shoot you- most of the time.

I learned a few things today though- scooters are not designed for use in the snow- really- they are not. Tricycles, however, can be forced to move in the snow. Also building snow castles like sand castles is a huge amount of fun- also dump trucks can dump snow as well as dirt and sand and it is just as much fun.

A follow up note: when pulling a sled- having your children drag their feet and/or hands makes it exponentially harder to pull- especially when the child does not understand the concept of a 'brake'

"you 'give' me mama"?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Stinky is a super sweet boy. Who has his moments of incredible whiny-ness as most three and a half year olds do.

He also as I have said before has this amazingly sweet spirit that makes you just want to scoop him up and snuggle him.

One of his more common comments is, "you 'give' me mama?" which translates to: "do you forgive me mama?". He comes up with this at the strangest times. Recently he needed IV re-hydration because he was so sick. We were snuggling when it was over and he looked at me with his giant eye and asked me to forgive him for needing the IV. When is actually is in trouble he begs forgiveness with an earnest and tearful face that melts any heart. After that any frustration I feel is gone- and I am struck with how blessed I am to have such an amazingly sweet boy.

The boots make the outfit

Princess was a shoe girl. She loved her shoes. A few pairs she slept in she loved them so much. One pair she even bathed with (they were sandals so no worries!).

Peas is also a budding fashionista it seems. A few days ago I was out shopping and saw a pair of rain boots that were totally 'her'. They are zebra print- for my wild lady. If you know peas you know she is a party girl who has a definite wild side. So I impulsively picked them up for her. When I showed them to her. Peas did even bother asking me to undo the elastic tying them together before she donned them. Then she proceeded to wear them around the house for the rest of the day. I cornered her to cut the elastic lest she fall and break her neck. Somehow the importance of safety is lost on her.

But she approved of the boots. Enough to wear them to bed. You never know when a sudden downpour will occur do you??

I know you're a new mom and all

Sunday, February 7, 2010

but take a deep breath and relax.

I take part in an online chat board that is comprised of women primarily mostly in the same general age group. Which is great because we all have somethings in common. But it is also really funny at times.

There are some women on the board who have recently been blessed with their first children- a very exciting, stressful, and emotional time- I get it. I have been a mother now for closing in on six years (where has the time gone!). I also have several children- so my time to worry about the minutia of childcare is less than it would be if I only had one; however, I have had the opportunity to learn that things you are CONVINCED are a crisis when it is your first baby by the third one you hardly even notice. Now- I know I was a little hyper about things when Princess was little but I do not think I was nearly as obsessive about things as some women on this board.

A few things for new parents:
* babies cry. It is okay. Hold them love them.
* your two week old cannot tell time- she doesn't know that 'it is time to do xyz' no sense forcing a schedule.
* nursing is natural- but it is not always easy. Both of you have to figure it out have patience with yourself and your baby
* you cannot spoil a newborn. When they cry they are communicating with you.
* gas does not necessitate a trip to urgent care- promise
* you do not need to be a helicopter parent- kids are smart- let them be smart
* trust your instincts- you have them
* when your baby smiles at you- you fall in a whole different kind of love
* babies and kids are resilient they are pretty hard to screw up forever

I have a lot more that I will add in subsequent posts- but for the most part- new parents- calm down. It will be okay. Babies and kids have been around for along time- long before Clorox Anywhere Spray- long before Baby Einstein, long before swings, and toys that even I can't figure out- so far we have done okay.

The Mail

When I was little my dad's mother would send packages ever so often. I looked forward to those packages more than holidays. I loved them- mostly because I think it reassured me that someone was thinking about me.

My mother has taken on the role of 'Queen Package Sender'. We live far away from each other and the kids do not see her as often as I would like but she manages to stay very involved in their lives. One way is she sends boxes for holidays. Yesterday the Valentines Day box arrived. It was as if the sky started raining M&Ms the were so thrilled. Grammy had taken the time to think of THEM and wrap a gift for them and mail it! They were beyond excited. With great anticipation they opened their presents. Princess a budding fashionista declared her outfit 'super stylish'. Peas was more interested in her card but my opinion is also that her outfit is cute. Stinky loved his shirts and his heart of gold showed again last night when he insisted on wearing one of his shirts to bed over his pjs because he loves Grammy so much and wanted her close to him- how can I argue with that? It would be cruel. So he wore his shirt- over his jammies.

Needless to say when they found the candy in the box they were again excited even more so because I let them have some!

Worth Her Weight In Gold

Saturday, February 6, 2010

They look sweet and innocent don't they? Why would I ever need a break from them???

I have started hiring a teenager (high school senior) to come and hang with the three older kids Saturday mornings so I can actually leave without feeling like I am packing a clown car. It is 2 hours a week I look forward to.

The kids (even Peas) love her. When I say she is coming over to play they are instantly thrilled. Sometimes I do not even leave- I just go and hide in my room for a bit and enjoy only holding one child at a time.

Babysitters are not something I typically use. The kids usually go everywhere with me or are looked after by family or close friends. With her though I actually feel comfortable with her watching them- like she can handle whatever they dish out- and they are pretty darn creative with the dishing out of stuff.

So yeah- hiring a babysitter even for 2 hours a week is FANTASTIC. I can recharge myself and get ready for the onslaught when she leaves. For some reason they always are so sweet to her but upon her leaving they are more than happy to release all of the crazy they have been saving up for me.

Woman, Lady, Girl.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

What do you refer to yourself as (assuming of course, you are female)?

Woman seems a little 'grown-up' kid playing in mama's make up bag to me. I am old enough to vote, to drink, to even rent a car yet the 'woman' label seems to not fit.

When does a girl transition to being woman? At menarche? High school graduation? College? Menarche seems off because people I know have begun that before they are 10 years old.. at least when I was 10 I was still decidedly a child.

When someone refers to me as being a woman it makes me embarrassed and blush a little- why? no idea.

Girl also seems somewhat off as I have children but that is my default. I am a girl. Unpretentious. Just there- which is what I am. Truth be told you're more likely to find me rolling down a hill with my kids or racing them to the end of the block than you are to find me being a grown up.

Just another thing that I have been pondering.

Needles, Eyes, OH MY

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Today I had another eyeball procedure. It was again, less than pleasant. I could have gone my entire life without it as a matter of fact. But seeing as I actually like to see and would prefer to have vision from both eyes ideally this had to be done.

Typically, I avoid needles in my eye. I go to great lengths to avoid them meeting and until recently they have done a really good job avoiding meeting. But lately needles and my eye have been acting like BFFs or something absurd.

So today I had my eye implant-y thing to hopefully help reduce the swelling inside my eye. Again I was the youngest person in the office by several years maybe even a few decades, but the office staff is very kind- this time the only odd looks I got were from some of the other patients.

The ophthalmologist is a pretty interesting place. They have lots of tools, lots of dials, lots of mirrors and lots of glass. Which I find counter intuitive. Why on Earth would you have a place that most people are in because they are having problems seeing decorated with a bunch of fragile, transparent, sharp stuff? Makes no sense. The tools are confusing. I cannot even fathom what they do or how they work.

They numbed my eyeball with drops that were supposed to sting they were not comfy but not stinging. Then I had my eyeball cleaned- not so bad. Then came the drugs. I needed to be still while needles were being jabbed into my eye and well as I was darn near vibrating with fear or anxiety already sitting still was not something I could do so well- so I had some pharmaceutical help- which is where it gets sketchy. I remember leaning back and I remember sitting up when it was over that middle part is kind of unclear- I prefer it that way.

It did not hurt for a good hour or so. When the eye numbing stuff wore off my eye started to throb and since then it has been less than pleasant.

Eye patches get lots of interesting looks when out and about too. I could feel people wanting to ask or talk about it but decorum won out- but I was really uncomfortable being stared at.

So maybe my vision will improve a bit- maybe it won't stay tuned. In the mean time Arrrrrrr Matey!

Next time I'll shave


It is why I wore pants to the pole class. Because I did not shave and was being a bit Sasquatchesque.

Pants were fantastic for the mat work walking around but not so great for the pole stuff- they kind of slide in an uncontrollable way.

Another issue with not shaving is it is kind of distracting. There you are writhing- yes writhing- being encouraged to embrace the feeling of your body to relish in the feeling of your body- feeling the poky stubble catch on the pants is so not sensual. Kinda ruins the moment.

Once I went into the studio the first time and noticed it was candlelit I actually felt a bit better because no one would care about my fuzzy legs- and no one did. But I did.

Doing this class has encouraged me to take time for myself. To take time to look nice. So I feel better about myself. The following day I actually took a shower by myself, shaved my legs and used a blow dryer... Please do not die of shock.

Kristin laughed when I said that. She said after a while you will start to 'get' ready to go to class. You will put on make up- shower so you look cute for class. To add to the feeling and the mood of pretty femininity. I laughed then though- well yeah- next time I'll at LEAST shave.