A blessing in sadness and hope

I am sure like all of social media you have seen the story of Zach Sobiech.  A teen who when down fighting- 'and didn't really lose'. 

His story made me ugly cry at my computer

But it was wow. It was so uplifting, it blessed me in a way I did not know I did not know I needed to be blessed.

"You don't need to find out you're dying to start living"

Watching the video resonated with me in a deep soul crushing way, heart breaking, but most of all spirit lifting.

I wanted to share how amazing this kid was (and is- in heaven). 

.But I thought about what I could do to help.  You  know when you need. to do something, a craving to do something to help in some small way.  This, for now, may be all I can do, but for now here we are.

Maybe this song and video will bless you in a way that you don't know you need

Some celebrities lent their star power as a tribute to this remarkable young man.

LittleDude's Day

A day from the perspective of LittleDude

2:30 am  wake  up, briefly, just to ensure that I am still in the proper place, Mama and Dada's bed, closer to mama. Fuss a bit so Mama will snuggle me more.

5:43 am Suns UP! Time to get to get going! Dada takes me away from Mama. For some reason he thinks she does not want me to pull her hair- its so effective! Besides- we did not discuss the leaving Mama thing.  Not cool man. Then he doesn't even feed me.  He tries to cuddle.  I have my standards.  I cuddle with Mama and Mama only.

6:00 am Mama comes downstairs.  Yay! It has been forever.  I thought I'd never see her again. She gives me milky good sweet nectar of all that is good.  She also gave me some breakfast of some sort.  But the milky- that's the good stuff.

6:45 am I toddle around looking for something interesting, the cat does not think pulling her whiskers is fun.  She runs away as soon as she sees me coming.  One day I'll get her.  At least the dogs like to play.  I drive my cars.

7:00 am Brothers and Sisters are up.  They can be fun, but mostly they bother me- they get in my way from knocking things down.  While they eat,  I eat my second breakfast- don't judge.  I am a growing boy.

7:30 am Diaper time.  I prefer to fill my pants in the morning.  It makes Mama run around a little it is super funny.  Great way to get her to blow on my belly.

8:00 am  Look over what I need to do today. Its going to be busy! How am I going to manage to empty the plastic plate drawer and the sock basket AND the tupperware?

8:15 start on the socks.  Take a handful toss and squeal! you cannot forget the squeal.

8:20 my arm is tired.  Socks may look light but repetition is a killer. Go over to sister yank her hair.  It is so funny.

8:30 Mama picks me up and takes me away.  She gets out one of the carriers.  OH I GET TO RIDE WITH MAMA! TIME TO GO ON HER BACK!

11:45 Not sure what happened- perfectly happy on Mama's back and the next thing I know I am waking up.  Someone put something in my cup.

Lunch. Big kids have sandwiches.  I have milky (YUMMERS!), some fruit, and yogurt.

Someone said "Park"  I heard it. I know I did.  I was not born yesterday.  Hooray! We are going to the PARK!  Now that I am a big boy and can walk I get to walk there by myself.  I hope there is an open swing.

Swinging is awesome. Have you ever had an underdog?  Its like swing peek-a-boo but better. 

On to the sand.  Must get sand in my hair I need a good exfoliation.  The park by my house does not have the tasty sand, the tasty sand is at the sand box at the big park- there is no point in even eating this stuff.
I'm learning how to use a shovel- I am so big!!!

Slides are also fun.  I can get to the top of them and go myself now.  My big sister still likes to help though- and Mama catches me.

Who said we could go home?  Why? There is still so much to do! The teeter totter! I need to drive the train.  I express my displeasure.  Loudly.  Mama picks me up.  She is so mean! We get home.  I am still yelling.  Oh milky- that sounds good, it makes everything better.

5:00 pm Seriously someone is messing with my drinks. Dada is home! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself with clapping and yelling.

5:45 Dinner.  I love when we all are together.  My sisters and brothers are so funny yelling and laughing at each other all the time. 

6:45 Bathtime.  Best part of the day.  Splish splash, rubadubdub.  LOVE IT. 

7:15 Night-nights (its what we call pjs in our house) Mama gives me a massage with lotion and puts my night nights on me.

NOT READY FOR SLEEP YET

I get to go back downstairs and play some more.  When it is time to go to sleep, I go with my Mama.  She reads me a story (I love the Piggy Book) and then I have some milky and get comfy for sleep.  Mama knows to pat my tummy when I lay across her. 

It was a good day.  I did not get everything done I  wanted too the socks, the cabinet, the drawer, but I got to go to the park.  One day I'll catch the person messing with my cup. 

LittleDude

I am kinda surprised it took this long

I am open about my pole dancing.  It empowers me as well as makes is a fabulous workout.

A friend of my daughter is trying to stir up trouble with other kids and adults by telling them I pole and how inappropriate it is. 

My daughter knows that it is not in appropriate and is fabulous - but I am sorry she is dealing with a kid who wants to stir the pot.

I am not surprised it is happening-  I am surprised that its happening in this way- with a kid.

Which complicates things.  If it were an adult- I could address it with her, discussing the full details of what I do versus the 'inappropriate' things.

Why do babies hate sleep

Why do babies hate sleep?

Seriously?  Why do they fight that crap so much-- who ever said sleep like a baby clearly never had one.

I take back every single time I fought sleep.  Rocking, walking, nursing, singing.

Please note I am not a believer in cry it out- but damn if someone told me to go to sleep I'd be all over that.  Instead- it is a hard won fight to bed with at least one child in bed at the start of the night and by the morning several more have joined which makes bed tetris with kids, pets, and parents.  The kids of course wake up thrilled and excited and full of energy- where as my husband and I stagger out of bed looking at the sun wondering how Earth it could be morning already- yet my kids are charged and ready to go.

So why do babies (and kids) abhor sleep? And What in the heck can you do about it?

I end up just waiting them out- knowing at some point their little eyes will flutter shut after they become heavy.

Princess would go to sleep she just would go to sleep no questions know fuss.  Stinky would sing to keep himself awake.  Peas. What to say about Peas..... she thought (and thinks) that sleep is the end of the world. We tell her to listen to her body when it is tired (etc) and she says she 'can't hear her body' oh well. Pixie just needs to stop moving for 30 seconds to fall asleep.  She moves and moves and moves.....but a few minutes of cuddles now she now goes to sleep. She used to need to nurse herself to sleep while sticking her her feet under my back.  LittleDude snuggles and nurses to sleep while he places with his hair.  Overnight he will scoot next too me to keep close.

But the question remains why the hatred of sleep? 

Mama got very sick

You see last weekend, I had a blood clot in my brain- thankfully it was just a TIA and not a full stroke- but it it was blessing that it was not a stroke.

I don't really remember what happened.  It is all kind of fuzzy.  I remember not knowing where my two middle girls were (at my in laws).  I couldn't figure out things basic things.  Nothing made sense.   There was a tub of flour on the table and I couldn't figure out why and it was very upsetting. 

Somehow I called my husband.  He realized there was an issue based on my slurring my speech and talking about things that made no sense what so ever. He wanted to me to give the phone to Princess so she could help.  I- being stupid and not with it- refused. Arguing with me when like that was like arguing with 4 year old over ice cream.  There was no reason.

At some point I had a glimpse of reason and decided to call 911.

My husband called my in laws to help, they arrived around the same time as the ambulance. 

Everyone realized there was something seriously wrong.

I could not communicate with anyone.  (thought I remember telling people things)
Apparently I had a facial droop, difference in strength and other signs of a brain issue.

At the hospital I  had a a bunch of tests that I don't remember.  I stayed overnight.

********************************************************************************

that being the story I wanted to have my kids tell about how they felt so other kids who have a family member experience a medical emergency can know they are not alone. 

Princess -age 9-

I didn't know what was happening, I thought my mom might die.  I tried to remember what to do.  I was scared.  When the police and the fire department came it was confusing there were too many people. 

Stinky -age 6-

I was confused.  I wished she would get all better.  There were a lot of people here to help.

To say it was scary is and understatment

I was a little confused the other night. Not too unusual- I mean there are 40 people running in different directions in my house on any given day- slight confusion is par for the course.

After dinner though, the husband said something kind of weird.  H said he was considering not going to work tomorrow because I was acting strange... I thought he had a screw loose.  I was fine.  Tired but fine.

The kids went to bed I dozed off the morning came.  I had to help get 2 middle kids off to grandma and grandpa's because I was still recovering from surgery and taking it a little easier was a better bet.

This is where things get really fuzzy for me- or like non existent.

I remember asking Princess where the middle girls were.  I had no recollection of them going to grandma and grandpas.

Nothing made sense.  There was a container of flour on the table and I had no idea how it go there.  That was really upsetting to me.

I could not type the passwords on my computer.  The passwords I type everyday. I  could not get my hands to work.

Some how I called H.I don't know how.  I was slurring words and I had no idea.  I had no idea about a lot of things.  It is terrifying to not know things that you should know.  

Where did my husband work? Whats his name? What month is it. Whats this callled.  Squeeze my hands.  Smile.

I had a facial droop and a difference in strength.   Not good.

I was so tired. So agonizingly tired.

When we got to the ER I learned my my mother in law had gone with me.  I had never been so happy to see a face I recognized.

Then again.  I don't remember much I had some tests with ear plugs and something with a plastic thing over my head  I have no idea. 

Little by little I got things put together again.  The doctors talked to me and explained a TIA- transient ischemic attack and told me I would stay the night and see an neurologist as well as my hemotologist to best manage this.  There was nothing I was doing that caused this.  There are some things that we can (and will do) do prevent this again. 

For something I do not remember it is terrifying.  To know it could have ended worse; it is horrifying.

For the fact that it ended positively I am exceedingly thankful.  I have so much to express thankfulness for I will never be able to list them all.. Seeing, knowing, hugging my family is at the top of the list.  It could be gone in the blink of an eye. 

Thank G-d. 

Pinterest is AWESOME

I love Pinterest. I have mad crazy love for it.  I can spend hours on it. Pinning and hoping and getting excited about birthday parties I'll never have or a home that the closest I will come to is Pinterest boards.

The pallet gardens are wonderful the home improvement are amazing.  There are life hacks that I cannot believe I did not think of ever but make like easier by massive amounts.   The fashion ideas are awesome (especially for this walking fashion disaster)

Despite this I rarely try these ideas.  I am terrified of failure. I don't often try new things in my life aside from Pinterest because I am scared I'll suck and get made fun of (either in my head or in real life) so my boards get full and many things remain untried.

Like painting my living room.  I would love to paint the trim and the walls but I am to scared to do it, I have never painted anything aside from a picture- and I don't want to get yelled at or feel stupid.  So the walls remain unchanged.

But how do I a) move on from that, and b) not pass this to my kids?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.