To the Mat

Thursday, April 28, 2016

I love a good workout.  I love to feel my muscles work, stretch, and bend.

Sometimes, especially, after being sick or otherwise recovering, pole can be a little too much.

In these times I lean on yoga- this time my love affair seems different.  It started in January- and it was fling-y.  Committing to a mat and practice was asking a lot. My feelings slowly changed from a time filler to a deep love.

Now I treasure my mat time.  I look forward all day to class- get fussy if I miss a class.

Yoga is a workout for my mind- but it is a deeper workout for my mind and spirit.  Learning to feel connection, feeling the sensations of whatever I am doing and surrendering to it.

I am not giving up my pole time- I am just adding mat time too it.  

Septic Shock

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I get sick more than the average person.  It is expected for me at this point.  My kidney hates me and it gets infected the way preschoolers get colds. This time was worse though.  This time was scary.  This time I was a little too close to dying.

The Saturday before Easter- I got up- I was in the middle of an asthma flare so I took those meds in addition to my morning meds and then went on with the morning getting the kids ready to go to B's family for an early Easter.

Like a lightening bolt it hit me: I was cold, shaking, sweating, pain, and just sick.

No matter what I did I could not get warm.  I thought it was just an infection but soon I was proved wrong. After vomiting and taking a nap, when I tried to go downstairs I couldn't figure out how to move my hand down the banister.  I couldn't figure out how to go down the stairs.  My brain and my body had a bad connection and it felt like I was moving through jello.

Thank goodness my sister was able to babysit for us, B had to go to the firehouse, and I needed to go to the ER. 

I drove myself to the ER- and that was a shitty idea.  I saw there were dozens of people waiting to get seen and I figured it would be a long wait. 

The triage nurse came and checked me over- my temp was 103, my heart rate too fast, and blood pressure way too low. No waiting for me.

In the ER it was determined that I had septic shock.  A life threatening reaction to an overwhelming infection.  Despite 3 bags of fluid, my blood pressure would not normalize.  Slowly my oxygen saturation started to fall- I was put on oxygen.

My labs showed my kidney was struggling, my liver was struggling and my circulatory system was begging to collapse.

I understood none of this- all I knew was it hurt, and I did not feel good.

Shortly, I was moved to the Intensive Care Unit and pressors were given to get my blood pressure up.

The ICU doc told me in no uncertain terms how sick I was.  I was still in a fog so I had B talk to him. 

Slowly, with the pressors, the antibiotics, and other meds, I started to feel better.  After a few days I was able to maintain my blood pressure without pressors and I was sent to a regular floor. Where again, my doctors made sure I knew that I had had a very very close call.

I had a PICC line placed and am getting antibiotics via IV at home.

More than 50% of people with septic shock die.  Once you have septic shock you are more likely to experience it again.  It can take 18 months to fully recover from this.

So I am very thankful that the doctors and nurses at the hospital caught how sick I was, I didn't- I thought it was just a regular infection,

I took these pictures, but I don't remember taking all of them.


Saturday, February 20, 2016

Teaching pole is an honor and a privilege.  Watching women connect with a spiritual, sensual, or athletic side of themselves is deeply moving.  Which part of themselves they need to connect with can change-- from day to day-- or from trick to trick.

Part of the pleasure of guiding women on this journey is being dynamic and able to change the focus of what is happening....

One of the other amazing things about pole is I am an instructor and a student-- and I learn something from every single person I dance with- a student, an instructor, a classmate. Each woman touches me- and I am thankful for each time I can dance.

In a week I have the extreme privilege of performing in front of a live band sharing my passion with a crowd.  Part of me is thrilled and part of me wants to hide.  I am scared that I'll fuck up or no one will like what I do.  But I am more scared that I will like it too much!

it has been a long time huh?

Sunday, February 14, 2016

I used to write pretty regularly right?

And then I kind of disappeared? So what then heck?

A lot.

When B got hurt, and I had my hip surgery, I got kind of thrown. Then my kidney acted up and spend lots of time in the hospital and fell into a depression and anxiety that just couldn't lift.

Sure-- B didn't help one of the more cutting things that he said that still sticks with me was, "normal people aren't this sick" I needed to get it together- like this was my choice or my fault. It really hurt and was very cutting..  If I could get my body to cooperate I would in a heartbeat.

Then horrible news-- I carry the BRCA1 gene and hysterectomy. So more surgery.  More kidney.  More depression-- and so much went to hell.

I felt like I was holding my life together with string and a prayer.  I didn't even have pole to fall back on.

My blog has always been kind of open about my struggle with mental illness so I feel I should be frank about this too.  It was hard.  And  I made the biggest mistake than anyone could make. I went off my meds--- stupid I know.  So stupid.  I felt initially like maybe my brain could figure itself out and I wouldn't need meds to regulate my brain chemistry. I'd go off my anti-anxiety meds-- but I won't dare go off of blood thinners.... why do I give blood thinners so much more importance than my mental health? I am back on my meds.  Things are normalizing.

Depression and anxiety are beasts-- they just follow and sneak up when I am not expecting it.

In a nutshell that is where I have been.

Pole Love

Monday, November 9, 2015

I have been a member of the pole community for a few years now.  This weekend was the first time I actually went to a show.... and I was floored and inspired.

Pole is amazing for a huge number of reasons and I am humbled and thankful to be part of an amazing community that supports, accepts, and loves one another.

I have been to workshops with my hip that was falling apart no one judged me- I was just encouraged.  I went to a workshop with a kidney issue and was struggling with everything- again no judgement.... just love and encouragement.

I am facing a scary surgery in a few days, and I have told a few pole people about it.  They have universally been so amazing and so supportive- and the all were asking me how I was before the show. 

The show was astounding.  It made me so happy to see so many people loving pole and sharing it with others- members of the pole community and non polers- it was so fantastic

There were women of all shapes and sizes performing and all were loved and cheered for (of course all of the performers were freaking incredible!).

I am inspired to love my body more-- despite it being a bit shitty sometimes.  I am inspired to give myself wholeheartedly to pole and my friends- not holding my heart back.

It was an awesome show and I can't wait for the next one

Pixie's Birthday

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Meg turned 6 the other day.

I celebrated it with her in the same hospital she came into the world in--- but for different reasons, I had a kidney infection.

My silly kidney did not stop us from having a party though, we had pizza, cake, and ice cream to mark the beginning of Pixie's 6th year.

I can't believe that she is 6.  Meg is joyful, impish, compassionate, welcoming, loving, goofy, smart, silly, and an amazing kid.  I am so thankful to be her mom and to have the privilege of watching her grow.

And she sure has grown!!! From a little 3 lb baby to a big girl now.....
relaxing in the NICU
Meghan just born
Home at last

6 years old-- at the same hospital she arrived in. 

Meghan loves her chickens, she cares for them and checks on them all the time.  She can calm them down and they let her pet them.  She loves her friends and enjoys playing with them and giving them things. She is clever figuring things out are a specialties.  I can't wait to see how grows up. 

Trend setting parenting

Saturday, October 10, 2015

A few years ago I was out rightly laughed at by the popular/in crowd moms for babywearing with ring slings, mei tais, wraps, and other carriers that are designed with the baby's comfort in mind. I was told that my babies would be bored, that I was crazy for suggesting that these popular carriers could be bad for little one's hips and spines.

Fast-forward a few years and here we are-- now the in crowd moms are touting the benefits of these baby carriers and decrying other carriers as poor choices for babies... and I am over here saying "duh'"!

Same goes for breastfeeding.  I was the weird one breastfeeding longer than a year, donating milk, cross nursing etc.  Now its an in thing... and again I am over here saying "I told you so".

Gentle parenting is another example.  When time outs were in- we used "time-ins".  I have not sleep trained my kids.. or really any trained--- just let them be the guide.  And now opposition to "cry it out" is mounting. Even Dr. Ferber -- the developer of the Ferber method says how he would not do that again.  Yet again-- I am over here snuggling my babies and loving on them.

Cloth diapers are another thing... so many people said they were too much work and disgusting and now many of the same people are cloth diaper devotees.

I should be thankful that kids and babies are getting care that is more in line with their needs rather than following what has been done... but to be honest, I am annoyed.  This is stuff I have been saying for YEARS and when a popular mom goes and says "I babywear with a ring sling because it is better for their hips" and then all of a sudden other moms are dedicated ring slingers.... and taking popular moms words as gospel.  Why are we as women still following the popular moms? What makes a mom part of the in mom group?

It also worries me because what is the next 'in' thing going to be? Tiger Mom stuff? Will everyone abandon this kind of parenting stuff just as quickly? Won't their kids be confused with the back and forth parenting crap?

But I am happy that I have learned not to follow the cool moms and instead do what is best for my children.