I keep forgetting this....

Sunday, October 2, 2016

I used to be good at updating when anything happened... maybe not everyday but weekly.... and well- I forgot.

The kids are great. They are always great. Well-- ok not always, but a lot of the time they are great.

Princess is growing up--- and this is not ok. She was my baby- the little preemie who brought me back down.

Stinky is actually starting to smell now that he is 10.

Peas? is Peas. Enough said.  Seriously though- I worry about her. A lot. I see so much of me in her- that I want to grab her and say "its alright.  Even if things don't go the way you want--- it is alright they'll turn out in the end.

Pixie is in school full time and she is smarter than I care to admit. She figures things out so quickly watching her brain work is amazing.

LittleDude is not so little anymore.  Totally potty trained-- day and night *I swear he has only had 2 overnight accidents- no, don't know how that happened either...it just did.

I'm here. Learning. Trying.. and not always succeeding.

Feelings are hard for me, I feel so disconnected from them- at least my feelings--- other people? I feel their feelings deeply.

I keep meaning to write...

Sunday, July 24, 2016

But then I get busy (busy? with 5 kids? never!).

First: I have been physically healthy for a few months.  I am learning to take time to rest, pace myself, and I have seen a few docs who have been amazing.

Its storming here. Again.  Its been so hot and humid it almost cant help but storm in the late afternoon.

I find myself reflecting on fun memories from my childhood that I want to write about as how they relate to parenting my own children, but of course, at the moment they escape me-- like on the tip of tongue.

Our house had a big front porch when I was a kid.  I LOVED that porch.  We found my cat on that porch, we made forts on the porch, we just sat and talked- just watching the world go by.  But, as the porch faced west, we especially enjoyed watching the weather roll in.

I recall having my mom braid my hair, practicing spelling words, watching the storm.  Once it was down-pouring absolute torrential down-down pour and I wanted my cat, Miss Meow.  Miss Meow was a feral cat that who adopted us.  She and I had a particularly close bond.  I could sit on the front porch and literally "Meow" for her and she would come from where ever she was in the neighborhood. Of course, that was if she felt like it.  For me, she usually did- unless it was raining.  What cat likes getting wet? This time, I called the cat and she came running... meowing back as she ran as if she was saying "I'm coming!"

This is a silly, insignificant memory but it reminds me of my cat- whom I loved and still do love dearly.  I miss her often and tell the kids all of the funny cat stuff she did.

Another weather related memory involves my bedroom.  I get nervous during storms. Always have.  But every night my mom and I would read a book sometimes a classic sometimes something silly. It was time we spent together.  I think she enjoyed sharing some of her favorite childhood books with me that way.  Our house was an old house.  It had tons of windows.  One wall of my room was windows.  I did not appreciate it as much as I should have. Frequently we would open all of the windows in the summer for a nice breeze (my dad hated air conditioning) so it was a good thing our house had so many windows. Regardless, it was hot.... the air was thick, my mom sat in a chair near my bed, and I recall looking out the window and seeing lightening. I said "ma, I see lightening" and she replied half asleep "Its just heat lightening" and then she told me a story from when she was a child.

Obviously, I couldn't just whip out an iphone and see if heat lightening was a thing or not.... it was  a good enough explanation for me- and I went to sleep.

I have been fascinated with the weather, and used to watch the weather channel, but I never looked up "heat lightening" I like the explanation, and even if it is not scientifically accurate, it was enough to calm my nerves, and that is pretty darn hard to do- even now.

My mom and I had a rough relationship through my teen years- and 20s... heck most of my life there have been challenges, but instead of focusing on the crappy stuff- I consciously think about these memories. The ones that- even for a moment I felt loved and good enough to deserve her love.  

To the Mat

Thursday, April 28, 2016

I love a good workout.  I love to feel my muscles work, stretch, and bend.

Sometimes, especially, after being sick or otherwise recovering, pole can be a little too much.

In these times I lean on yoga- this time my love affair seems different.  It started in January- and it was fling-y.  Committing to a mat and practice was asking a lot. My feelings slowly changed from a time filler to a deep love.

Now I treasure my mat time.  I look forward all day to class- get fussy if I miss a class.

Yoga is a workout for my mind- but it is a deeper workout for my mind and spirit.  Learning to feel connection, feeling the sensations of whatever I am doing and surrendering to it.

I am not giving up my pole time- I am just adding mat time too it.  

Septic Shock

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I get sick more than the average person.  It is expected for me at this point.  My kidney hates me and it gets infected the way preschoolers get colds. This time was worse though.  This time was scary.  This time I was a little too close to dying.

The Saturday before Easter- I got up- I was in the middle of an asthma flare so I took those meds in addition to my morning meds and then went on with the morning getting the kids ready to go to B's family for an early Easter.

Like a lightening bolt it hit me: I was cold, shaking, sweating, pain, and just sick.

No matter what I did I could not get warm.  I thought it was just an infection but soon I was proved wrong. After vomiting and taking a nap, when I tried to go downstairs I couldn't figure out how to move my hand down the banister.  I couldn't figure out how to go down the stairs.  My brain and my body had a bad connection and it felt like I was moving through jello.

Thank goodness my sister was able to babysit for us, B had to go to the firehouse, and I needed to go to the ER. 

I drove myself to the ER- and that was a shitty idea.  I saw there were dozens of people waiting to get seen and I figured it would be a long wait. 

The triage nurse came and checked me over- my temp was 103, my heart rate too fast, and blood pressure way too low. No waiting for me.

In the ER it was determined that I had septic shock.  A life threatening reaction to an overwhelming infection.  Despite 3 bags of fluid, my blood pressure would not normalize.  Slowly my oxygen saturation started to fall- I was put on oxygen.

My labs showed my kidney was struggling, my liver was struggling and my circulatory system was begging to collapse.

I understood none of this- all I knew was it hurt, and I did not feel good.

Shortly, I was moved to the Intensive Care Unit and pressors were given to get my blood pressure up.

The ICU doc told me in no uncertain terms how sick I was.  I was still in a fog so I had B talk to him. 

Slowly, with the pressors, the antibiotics, and other meds, I started to feel better.  After a few days I was able to maintain my blood pressure without pressors and I was sent to a regular floor. Where again, my doctors made sure I knew that I had had a very very close call.

I had a PICC line placed and am getting antibiotics via IV at home.

More than 50% of people with septic shock die.  Once you have septic shock you are more likely to experience it again.  It can take 18 months to fully recover from this.

So I am very thankful that the doctors and nurses at the hospital caught how sick I was, I didn't- I thought it was just a regular infection,

I took these pictures, but I don't remember taking all of them.


Saturday, February 20, 2016

Teaching pole is an honor and a privilege.  Watching women connect with a spiritual, sensual, or athletic side of themselves is deeply moving.  Which part of themselves they need to connect with can change-- from day to day-- or from trick to trick.

Part of the pleasure of guiding women on this journey is being dynamic and able to change the focus of what is happening....

One of the other amazing things about pole is I am an instructor and a student-- and I learn something from every single person I dance with- a student, an instructor, a classmate. Each woman touches me- and I am thankful for each time I can dance.

In a week I have the extreme privilege of performing in front of a live band sharing my passion with a crowd.  Part of me is thrilled and part of me wants to hide.  I am scared that I'll fuck up or no one will like what I do.  But I am more scared that I will like it too much!

it has been a long time huh?

Sunday, February 14, 2016

I used to write pretty regularly right?

And then I kind of disappeared? So what then heck?

A lot.

When B got hurt, and I had my hip surgery, I got kind of thrown. Then my kidney acted up and spend lots of time in the hospital and fell into a depression and anxiety that just couldn't lift.

Sure-- B didn't help one of the more cutting things that he said that still sticks with me was, "normal people aren't this sick" I needed to get it together- like this was my choice or my fault. It really hurt and was very cutting..  If I could get my body to cooperate I would in a heartbeat.

Then horrible news-- I carry the BRCA1 gene and hysterectomy. So more surgery.  More kidney.  More depression-- and so much went to hell.

I felt like I was holding my life together with string and a prayer.  I didn't even have pole to fall back on.

My blog has always been kind of open about my struggle with mental illness so I feel I should be frank about this too.  It was hard.  And  I made the biggest mistake than anyone could make. I went off my meds--- stupid I know.  So stupid.  I felt initially like maybe my brain could figure itself out and I wouldn't need meds to regulate my brain chemistry. I'd go off my anti-anxiety meds-- but I won't dare go off of blood thinners.... why do I give blood thinners so much more importance than my mental health? I am back on my meds.  Things are normalizing.

Depression and anxiety are beasts-- they just follow and sneak up when I am not expecting it.

In a nutshell that is where I have been.

Pole Love

Monday, November 9, 2015

I have been a member of the pole community for a few years now.  This weekend was the first time I actually went to a show.... and I was floored and inspired.

Pole is amazing for a huge number of reasons and I am humbled and thankful to be part of an amazing community that supports, accepts, and loves one another.

I have been to workshops with my hip that was falling apart no one judged me- I was just encouraged.  I went to a workshop with a kidney issue and was struggling with everything- again no judgement.... just love and encouragement.

I am facing a scary surgery in a few days, and I have told a few pole people about it.  They have universally been so amazing and so supportive- and the all were asking me how I was before the show. 

The show was astounding.  It made me so happy to see so many people loving pole and sharing it with others- members of the pole community and non polers- it was so fantastic

There were women of all shapes and sizes performing and all were loved and cheered for (of course all of the performers were freaking incredible!).

I am inspired to love my body more-- despite it being a bit shitty sometimes.  I am inspired to give myself wholeheartedly to pole and my friends- not holding my heart back.

It was an awesome show and I can't wait for the next one