I pick my battles

Friday, May 30, 2008

To evidence that my 4 year old daughter is sleeping on her floor in her princess sleeping bag. We got her the bag for her birthday and she has not slept in bed since, only on the hardwood floor. I think that would be slightly uncomfy...coming from the mother who has slept in a crib to get stinky boy to sleep. But whatever, if she sleeps, and it happens to be on her floor so be it, at least she is in her room and quiet.

I have been following the maxim 'pick your battles, but once you pick one, never ever lose."
Thus far it seems to work

b'syata dishamaya

Thursday, May 29, 2008

'with the help of heaven'

is a traditional Jewish way of acknowledging that all we do is possible because of God.
I love that. I take way to much for granted, too much that I assume responsibility for instead of giving it over.

as a follow up to one of my posts regarding struggling with forgiveness a wise person told me that God's job is to forgive. It in essence is being self righteous by refusing to forgive ourselves or anyone else. I can forgive, because I have been forgiven so many times over.


Wednesday, May 28, 2008

That is what I am doing. Hiding in my basement, why? I am done. emotionally done. I have disconnected from my emotions which might be a good thing, but that disconnect is dangerous. When it happens it seems to have bad results, however the respite is good. Also, I have never been able to 'reconnect' with out a lot of therapy and help.

Tomorrow is my March of Dimes meeting. I am looking forward to it. I have no idea what to expect but I think it will be good.

How weird am I that I took pictures of my sons chicken pox???

Need a break

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

People have been continuously ill in our home for a month now. Ear infections, strep, cold, coughs, and now chicken pox... I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I have not even began to process what has happened in the past few weeks. We are in survival mode here. What absolutely needs to be done gets done, everything else...not so much.

I feel like I have a dozen balls in the air and I may drop one of them or all of them and let the world come crashing down around me.

Retained Products of Conception

Saturday, May 24, 2008

That is an awful clinical saying for "your baby died and we need to clean you out". Lovely.

Yesterday was my D&C. Not pleasant. Would not recommend as a way to spend a Friday. So now what? The 'products' were sent to pathology for examination but my doctor thinks that given my cervical issues and how everyone in the house was so sick, it was just too much and my body could not support another life right now. The doctor there said "don't worry you can try again in two months". well that would be great you see but I did not want any more children.

Should I be relieved that I do not have to face another long road of pregnancy which may or may not be complicated? Should I be sad that another member of our family will not be joining us in a few months? Should I say "ok lets try again?".

I am torn. That is the hard part. True I did not want another baby (at least now). I did not think I could handle it? Did I kill him/her? Was he taken from me because I was ambivalent? Did God see I was not trusting His wisdom in blessing us with another child?

Now, I got attached. I began to imagine life with 4 children...the craziness...the delight...imagining watching this baby and Zoe grow up so close. I am sad that I will not see that. I am sad that it will not happen.

My husband is taking how fast I became attached as an indication that we should have another baby. Which I was beginning to be ok with the idea of. So now what? Where do I go from here? Do we 'try'? do I say 'I am done'? do I say give me a couple of years and we can discuss again??

Get cozy....

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I have found a parenting magazine that I actually like, no love! "Brain, Child" is the name. Wow. I was so impressed! It has essays that say SOMETHING, that address parents on a deeper level. Instead of the superficial nature of other magazines. I suppose that is why it is called the "thinking parents magazine".

Everything did not feel like i was being advertised to with the newest gadget or toy. So refreshing.

The above discovery is due to the fact that I went to the library. Something I love doing and adore, but also dread a little. Because I have to choose books that I want to read. I form emotional attachments to books, and choosing which to bring home can seem like a loaded decision. I want to learn so much about, well everything. I have started a list of books I want to read. It is several pages long and I am adding to it faster than I am accomplishing anything. So last night I came home with 8 new books to read. Now to discuss with God the addition of a few extra hours a day in which to do this.

Do you have one? Or should I say have you found yours? I have never felt a calling that I could do something tangible about at the juncture that I felt it. Until now.

This NICU support group has become a raison d'etre for me. Something that I have no formal education in but have been educated through living. Living it has been more of an education than any classroom or book could be. Living the triumphs of the first 2 mLs taken orally....the struggle of setbacks, the loneliness... I have been there, lived it, wallowed in it occasionally. I have done the silly happy dance of being weaned off of a C-PAP and then crying 5 min later when a new IV is established. Learning to fall in love with your baby not in the comfort of home but in the fishbowl of the NICU through the portholes of an isolette. Leaving part of your heart and soul at the NICU when you leave.

Parents need to feel like they can do something to help their baby. Anything. Someone to tell the crazy things they are feeling and thinking, and have someone tell them that they are not really losing their mind. Feeling heard is half the battle.

I have realized that this is what I can do. I cannot cure the ills, save the babies, or anything but I can listen to the parents, try and offer them support from someone who has stood in their place. Try and teach them to let their amazing babies teach them.

as an aside if you read this please link to me. Iwould like to get more people involved anyway I can I can. Thanks!

Not Fair

Monday, May 19, 2008

Princess has been so brave, she has taken the antibiotics like such a champ. I am so proud of her, last night she started coughing, a lot. She hardly slept she was coughing so much. Her tummy hurts her throat hurts, she hurts from all of the coughing. This AM she coughed until she threw up and wet her pants, she has not wet her pants in over a year! She was so embarrassed. She looks at me to make her feel better but there is nothing more I can do. Cough syrup, vicks, honey, steam, antibiotics we are doing all of it. All I can do is try and make her comfortable and wait. It is not fair, she does not understand. Why does this happen to such sweet kids who do not understand it?

If I am missing anything that I can do to make her feel better please let me know. I feel so helpless and I cannot cry in front of her.

Sleep What is That??

Friday, May 16, 2008

I have now been up for 27 consecutive hours. I am exhausted. The kids are all sick big coughing globs of green mucous (wonderful picture isn't it).

Who knew that being a mom involved doubling as a Kleenex for children when they want one...
Please sleep today babies...please...


Monday, May 12, 2008

I cannot wrap my simple brain around this. It is a tragedy on so many levels; everyone feels like their hands are tied unable to help.

I cannot understand why a government would purposely cause its citizens to suffer and die.
What can be done? On a political level? On a human rights level? On a humanitarian level?

The only 'reason' (term used loosely here) that I can fathom the government using is that by receiving aid the people may become stronger, if they allow foreign workers in then they may cause people to 'think' and get 'ideas' and rise up against the regime (which of course, would be terrible...dripping with sarcasm and disgust)

I try to understand how the people in the country feel: they see their children suffering and dying and are helpless to stop it.

They go to the monastery's and the government tells the monks to throw the refugees out..

So I sit and pray, cry, and wish I could do something other than that.


I must be the most selfish self involved person ever. I am ashamed of myself and my behavior.
To my neighbor who I snapped at my husband in front of, I am sorry.
To my husband whom I snapped at this morning, I am sorry.
To my children to whom I have been irritable and crabby, I am sorry.
To my friends to whom I have not been a good friend, I am sorry.

I have been so wrapped up in myself and my issues, I apologize, please forgive me.

Mothers Day

Sunday, May 11, 2008

It is 6:00 a.m. on Mother's Day. I am sitting by myself (for once) and reflecting on my mother and what a wonderful woman she is.

I have no idea how to explain all she has done and all that I have put her through. She has been there; a lot of time with out me realizing it, or being to self involved to recognize it. She never gave up on me, though I am sure she wanted too, I wanted to. she gave me just enough help to make me get through things but let me do enough to realize I could.

My mother gives of herself to everyone she meets, she is generous with her time and her talents. I can see God's grace in her in so many ways. Her faith has seen me and my siblings through so much so many times.

Between my brother and I we have given her more stress that anyone should. She never let us off the hook and always kept encouraging us.

When I went to Utah she wrote me a letter that I still have, to this day when I read it, I cry, it showed me that even when I thought she loved me least everything she was doing was to save me from myself. That choice sending me to treatment like that had to be incredibly difficult; but it saved my life. I hated her for sending me away. Now all I can do is say thank you.


Saturday, May 10, 2008

Please. I need help. I need to forgive someone, I need guidance, I need to understand. Help

Peas smiles

Friday, May 9, 2008

saber tooth squirrel

Thursday, May 8, 2008

I am a bad momma...I put in Ice Age the Meltdown so I could veg a bit today..

As afore noted Stinky loves squirrel's (quirrel's). The opening sequence is about a squirrel with large teeth trying to get a prehistoric acorn.. (who knew the ice age was an appropriate climate for deciduous trees?)

He was thrilled..he spent the next 20 min squealing about the "quirrel"


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

We have a new addition to to wildlife refuge that has become our front yard.

A birdhouse that B built with the children..no injuries thank heavens...

Princess picked out the color and chose fire engine red...it is BRIGHT! and to add to it she added silver glitter with the neighborhood children. I am glad we do not have a Homeowners Assc; I could see them objecting to it!

I asked about the sparkles and I was informed that EVERYTHING is better with them....duh....
Silly me

I think the birds will be afraid of it...

Princess' First Picture

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

For comparison to Peas this is Princess when she was an hour old

My Tiny Girl

this is Peas the day after she was born...So TINY!!

This is when Peas was 8 days old! I cannot believe how much she has changed!

At long last this week I packed away all of her preemie clothes...now that she is almost 3 months old she can wear New Born clothes!

Silly Princess

Sunday, May 4, 2008

On the night of the inappropriate bedtime stories another interesting thing happened.

As I was making my rounds getting everything settled for the night I went into Princess's room and noticed an odd sight:

Princess was not wearing a stitch of clothing and was sleeping the wrong way on her bed completely uncovered. Ok whatever I thought, if there is a problem I will certainly hear about it, but no sense borrowing trouble.

As I turned to leave Princess fell out of bed, granted it is all of a six inch fall, but it was enough to startle her. She was doing a half asleep crying whining thing, not at all pleasant but I decided to take her potty and use the opportunity to put some clothes on her.

I pulled out a pair of night nights (pjs) and handed them to her asking her to get dressed. Even half asleep she can have an attitude, she replied: "my body does not want to wear these".

Getting slightly annoyed, I replied, "please tell your body that these are the night nights that are currently available'

Her response... too look at her body and in all seriousness tell it "did you hear that body? Momma said to get used to it"...

She wore them

thank you B

Saturday, May 3, 2008

I know I complain about my husband an awful lot on here, but today I need to praise him.

Yesterday I had a medical procedure that was supposed to be quick and painless. It wasn't. I was left in terrible pain and bleeding heavily.

My wonderful husband took the kids to his parents house and ate dinner there so I did not have to deal with the noise or cooking, then he went back out and picked up a total chick flick (27 dresses) and McDonald's he remembered my favorites (chipotle wrap and sweet tea) and brought them to me.

Then he cuddled with me and let me rest. During the night he helped with the kids and when I was not feeling that much better today, he even stayed home from work; he wanted to make sure I was ok.

Now I can move with out tears and I just wanted to let anyone who reads this know how blessed I am to have a husband who albeit can be a bit of a man at times, but a husband who loves me and will go out of his way to make me happy.

I love you


This is my new favorite picture of Peas and I...It shows the bond that we have already, her content me in love!

This picture has been entered in the http://www.5minutesformom.com/3328/photo-contest-1000-dollars/#comment-673645


Thursday, May 1, 2008

I have been praying more. I love it. But I feel incomplete, something is missing something intangible and I have no idea what it is or how to find it.

Does anyone ever feel 'weird' discussing faith with others? I do. It has always been one of those taboo subjects and I am nervous to broach it but I long for a discussion with another woman/mom about her faith just to have someone to talk about it with.

I hate to admit it but B and I have NEVER had a frank faith discussion.