A Mother's Terror

Sunday, March 30, 2008

We went to have Peas's pictures taken today. Princess and Stinky were and their grandparents house so we were out only with Peas. It is much easier being with only one child, who does not run away...

We were waiting to look at her pictures and we heard a scream of terror. A mother had lost her son. We heard her screaming in desperation for her son. The security guards stopped her and got her got her son's description and began to look for her boy. She continued wailing and running through the mall and screaming for her baby. The horror was apparent on her face and in her voice.

My heart broke for her. I have never lost my child, thank God. I could not imagine not being able to find one of my babies. I hope I never do.

Brian immediately said that it was her fault that her child was missing. Maybe it was partially her fault, but I cannot blame her entirely. There were are ton of people there and kids wander, a lot.

I have no idea if/when she found her boy. I hope she did. I hope she found him quickly. No one deserves to be suffer like that.

Last Names

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I changed my name when I got married. I did not want to. It was very important to B that I change it...Why? My identity did not change just because I got married. I changed it because it was so important to him. Why?

Why was it so important to have me have his last name?? His answer 'so we will all be a family'...weren't we one already? What is going to change just because I now am further up the alphabet?

Anyway, I changed it. It does still seem weird to be called Mrs. Handler. Mrs. Anything seems weird though.

It was hard to do. It was so hard to give up my name. The name I had had since birth the name that tied me to my family. I gave that up. I gave that up to be part of B family. Who for so long were so hard to get along with. Now the weirdest thing. I have started to love them. I have started to think of them as my family.


Friday, March 28, 2008

I do not have many friends. I dislike that. It makes me sad. I have no idea how/where to go about making them. My friends from school are off living the life that I thought I'd have. Ph.d candidates, M.Ds. JDs...etc.. they do not have a ton in common with my "leave the kitty alone" life. Also a lot of them are far away. Don't get me wrong if I could travel to prague to visit one of my dearest friends I would but, I am a bit of an all you can eat buffet at the moment.

Where do you make friends? As a mom, when I worked it was different, but now? I feel weird 'asking a mom for a play date' I tend to isolate myself. Introvert alert.

help please

update on cervix

I got my results today, huge sigh of relief, things are ok.


Who ever developed it deserves a shrine.

We have had a long couple of days in the H house. I have not slept more than 15 hours total in the past week. Not cool man not cool. So last night I drugged the kids (Stinky and Princess). That stuff works fast and wonderfully. Unfortunately it does not help Stinky STAY asleep.

Last week I slept in Stinky's crib with him, because he was so desparate for cuddles. This week my poor neck will not take it.


Monday, March 24, 2008

Saturday was also my Grandmother's birthday. As it is a big one for her my aunt threw her a party. All of my cousins came in. People from California, Iowa, and Colorado. I have not seen these people in years and my children had never met them. So we were looking forward to that. B had to work, of course...what is the rule? If something is happening he is at work right? No exception here! My dad even made it down from WI, which he never does. Granted he arrived at 1pm, started asking my mom to leave around 2pm and left at 3pm. Heck at our wedding we were taking bets to see if he would make it through dinner!

So I got to take the three kids to my Grandmothers for a party with tons of cousins and family that they had never seen before, it was intimidating. Stinky was attached to me most of the time and Peas was passed around from cousin to cousin, everyone getting their baby fix. Princess was Princess, the leader of the pack.

I do not know how to describe the party. It was nice to see everyone, it truly was, and it was nice to have the kids all meet each other but it lasted a little too long. Everyone was tired and grumpy by the time we got home.

Everyone in my family is wound a little tight to say the least. We all function better when properly medicated either with alcohol. xanax, or the antidepressant of the day. When we are medicated it makes for a better time for all. Maybe next time we get together we should double the doses. By the end of the party the 30 kids, yes 30 were a little rowdy. The adults were tired, and my aunts in an organizational frenzy. My mother was about to lose it walking to the car because she got lost and was over-heated. Princess and Stinky were exhausted, and I could not breathe. I was so happy to get home.

I do not do large groups of people well. I get tense, snippy, and out of sorts. No real reason, I just prefer alone and quiet, the thought of Easter at B's family the next day sent me running for xanax. We never made it to Easter.

That night Princess was in my bed in tears because her stomach hurt, Stinky had the runs, and Princess wanted to socialize, and my poor mother got sick to her stomach. No one slept much.

When B got home he gave the kids Dunkin donuts while I crawled off to nap. He was all ready to go to easter and attempted to get me up and I said 'no'. It felt good.
I did not want to go to his aunts house and have to be nice and watch the kids while he sat with his uncles then come home with over tired not quite healthy children and attempt to sleep. Nope not happening. We stayed home.

Now we just have to plan the next gatherings.

And...now what

Friday, March 21, 2008

It is 10:32 pm. Logically I should sleep, why would I sleep when I could blog?

Sometimes I feel like my head will not be quiet.. ever. There is always something going on, and I am a worrier by nature, a pessimist, B at least seems to thing I am.

Yesterday I had my 6 week post-partum check up. All is well, so far. When I had Stinky, I went to my 6 week check-up expecting everything to be totally fine. Had my pap, discussed birth control, got a new script and went on my way, not expecting to return for another year. I was shocked when my doctor called me a week later to give me some less than great news. My pap came back bad, and so began a hellish few months of treatments, tests, and office visits. I do not look at getting a pap as something that is a five minute procedure anymore. I worry about them before; I take it out on B (sorry about that) and until I get results I can hardly sleep.

When I found out about the problems I was pissed. I felt betrayed by B. We very nearly split up. The problem is everything can be going along pretty well and then it gets close to time for a pap, and again I lash out at Brian, granted there is no way he could have known that he contracted this, I still blame him.

Worse, now they are advertising Gardasil on television, I get that same flash of anger, of jealousy, of resentment, feeling like my husband's sexual past is slapping me in the face whenever i see one of those ads. I know I shouldn't feel like that, but the self-righteous emotional part of me does, and I do not know how to let it go; or if I even want to. In clinging to that sentiment I am limiting my vulnerability to Brian; that is the way I understand psych. I am the one who gets poked and prodded, who gets bits of them burned off with acid or LEEPs. How do I learn to forgive?

Potty Training

William is potty training. So far it seems

Skylar Story

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

This is a story from last year but I was recently reminded of it.

The Doodle's Haircut

The Characters:

We had two dogs and two children.
Stinky was about a year old and like any one year old boy he enjoyed seeking out mud to play in. Barley is a mini schnauzer and has a napoleon complex, he also managed to get mats in his fur daily
Princess, precocious does not say enough about her
golden doodle and the victim in this tragedy.

The scene:

After brushing Barley again, and cutting several mats out, I decided to take everyone outside and give him a hair cut. Surely if he had hair that was 1/4 in. long he could not mat it.

I grabbed B's clippers, the dogs, and children and out we went. Things were uneventful. Barley's hair clipped easily, Princess was riding her trike, Stinky was digging, and the Doodle was chewing on a stick. In seconds that changed: I needed to take Stinky inside for something, it would only take a moment so I left everyone else outside. Big mistake.

When I returned the Doodle had a racing stripe down his back. Princess had decided that he needed a new style and a reverse mohawk was just the ticket. I tried in vain to even out his coat, but all that happened was he looked like a victim of a terrible weed wacker attack. Brian came home and laughed then tried to even him out. In the end he was pretty much all shaved and pathetic looking. It took months to regrow his hair.

Everyone got a good laugh at 'rat'

God Bless Antibiotics

Saturday, March 15, 2008

How did people live before these developments?? Seriously?!?!?

The week Peas came home B was out of town. He was kind enough to bring back a virus that got my mom and I sick. Princess and Stinky were marginally ill but largely escaped any lasting damage.

I was not so lucky. Two and a half weeks after 'feeling a little off' and chalking it up to a minor cold or fatigue from having a baby I dragged myself to the Immediate Care center, because it was the only time when I had someone there to watch the kids.

The doctor came in examined me and announced I was "a giant walking bacteria". Thanks doc...what are you going to do about it?

I knew I was sick, I didn't come here for you to tell me that. The 105 temp and the coughing blood gave that away....

I left with a prescription for three antibiotics and diagnosed as: Dehydrated, ear infection, sinus infection, strep throat, kidney infection, and bronchitis... I drove home and showed my discharge paperwork to my husband and mom and we all had a good laugh, that I thought I had a cold.

So now 5 days later. I feel comparatively great! I can breathe, I am not coughing up blood, and I have some energy that is not caffeine induced. God Bless antibiotics.

Though as an aside: it is amazing with all of that Peas did not even get a sniffle. Her pedi said that it was because she was nursing so much that she stayed healthy...

I probably will not fill the antibiotics, I would rather let my body do its own thing.. yep weird.

Big day

Friday, March 14, 2008

So much has happened! I hardly know where to begin. To my family no I am not pregnant...just to put everyone's mind at ease.

Today was Peas's 1 month check up. She is getting so 'big' 5 lbs 12 oz. For her that is HUGE! Considering a mere month ago she was 3 lbs 15 oz.

Also today Princesswent on an adventure with Grammy. She was thrilled. I put on a brave face until she pulled away in the car, then cried. Why is it always harder for the moms? Sometimes I forget how attached to her I am and take her for granted. The house seems too quiet without her silly giggle and bouncing energy...remind me of this sentiment when she returns and I would give anything for quiet. My comment on attachment above got me thinking about attachment and attachment parenting and kind of an open question is who becomes attached to whom through AP? I feel like I am more dependent on my babies than they are on me, goodness I need a life.

Yesterday was a HUGE day. We went to Cosley Zoo. Peas 's first non doctor appointment outing. They had lambs there that were less than 24 hours old. They are adorable. Just an FYI.

Princess recently has been asking about the Cross and Jesus. I have no idea how to answer her questions. I do not want to freak her out and say bluntly "Christians believe he is God's Son and he died to save us". Her questions make me long for religious and spiritual guidance that I do not even know where to begin to look for.

Sorry this is terse. Peas is resting on me and needs a snack now

deep thoughts

Sunday, March 9, 2008

deep for a wading pool that is.

So many people I know are going back to school and I am jealous. (my internal dialoge is playing the "Jealous Again" song)

I have wanted to go back to school for a while now. . Do I want to sign up for that? Do I want to sign my family up for that?? More over the loans...do I want to sign up for that. I did find a not-for-profit that would pay my loans after working for them for 5 years, but that is a huge time commitment. I do not know if that is something I can sign everyone up for that. If it is fair.

I had a friend over for wine the other night. Yea, a diet of wine, truffles, and probiotics does not sit well with a person who has not had anything to drink for six months. I was pretty far done after three glasses over 6 hours...light weight I am. (I am so embarrassed).

a bottle of wine and a straw

Friday, March 7, 2008

Is what I find myself wishing for. It is 5:40 pm central time and I am on my second glass of wine.

Poor Stinky has had a rough couple of days, and I do not know why, which makes it so much harder. If I knew why I could help but it could be any number of things; tired, adjusting to Peas, teething, or hitting terrible twos...

so I find myself grateful my husband is home and I can hide for a few minutes and find solace in merlot

"my butt pushed him"

Thursday, March 6, 2008

...and other Princess-isms.

Today as always the kids were after each other, at several points. At one point during the day we were in the kitchen and Princess was standing on a stool. Stinky climbed up with her hoping against hope that in the past 10 minutes he grew the two inches required to see over the counter, well he didn't (no really??)

Well Princess 'bumped' him off the stool. After consoling Stinky, I confronted Princess and asked her what happened, why she bumped him off... her reply "my butt pushed him, it did not want him up there"

Now how do I counter that??

poor stupid man

I love him, I love him, I love him....it is what I am telling myself over and over and over in a potentially vain attempt to convince myself.

ugh..somehow, in some world, in some weird testosterone-y dimension my husband thought it would be a good idea to buy Stinky a screw driver set.. ( ) What does an 18 month old boy need screw drivers for???

His comment was they were for him to play with when he (husband) was working on something. (yeah okay)

My thought: I truly appreciate the fire department and the 911 system in the area; I do not want to get to know the medics or the ER docs on a first name basis though. the 'toys' will also be great for impaling his sister with. Sure enough it took about 10 minutes for him to figure out that they are GREAT for chasing Princess with...in short order they were confiscated and DH was instructed to clear any toy purchases through me first..

what a choice, or lack thereof

Monday, March 3, 2008

Recently, our youngest daughter was in the NICU. The night before she came home B and I decided to see a movie, as kind of a reminiscing thing....When princess was in the NICU we saw a movie also and commented that it would be the last time it would be so easy to see a movie...different theatre, different film, same comment.

This time we saw Juno. In the context of the circumstances of when we saw it; I was left thinking about so many different things that did not leave me comfortable.

When I got pregnant with Princess(and Stinky) B and I were not married. When I learned I was pregnant with Princess my first thought and feelings were not joy and elation, but fear and things that are much more shameful to admit. I did not want a baby. I was in no position to have one. Neither was B. Like Juno, we were 'ill-equipped". The doctors were surprised that I would even consider keeping the baby, whether to give up for adoption or to raise. They expected a woman such as myself; a working, unmarried, student to make the only 'reasonable' choice: abortion.

Technically, I do not know what I consider myself politically speaking. I do not like the idea of abortions, but honestly who does? Who grows up hoping for an abortion? I would venture to guess that most women who end up in that position do not A) take that decision lightly or B) rejoice in the fact that they are in that spot. It is a heart rending choice. Then again, I have to respect that as a woman who has experienced pregnancy and childbirth, it is not easy, it is not cheap, you need help and support. To demand that a woman go through that seems wrong as well. Especially if she was the victim of a crime.

Anyway... enough about that. I can't think about it right now. I get too sad.

Brian left the decision about what to do with the pregnancy to me. We looked at adoption, but decided to keep her for ourselves. Now every morning when I get up and see her and her blankie I have to believe that I did make the only 'reasonable' choice. I had that baby that God meant me to have. Having her changed me, changed my life, altered so much about me that I can hardly recognize the person I was before having her.

Making that choice would not have been possible without my family. Their support was immeasureable. I am grateful to have them.

An edit to add...

This should teach me to try and think deeply while sick and exhausted. The point I was trying to make was that I was happy to see a movie that showed other 'options' (I hate that word for it, it makes a baby sound like an upgrade)

exhaustion...shear exhaustion

Peas has been home for a week now. Last Thursday she was at the doctor and she weighed a whopping 4lbs and 10 oz.... tiny huh??? Not for my kids, that is huge for them! Stinky is 18 months old and FINALLY getting to 20 lbs..

Anyway, B was out of town the week that Peas came home. He was kind enough to bring a cold back from Indiana for all of us. My mom, Princess, B, and myself are all ill...now Peas is sneezing.

Stinky still does not like to sleep at night (who needs sleep??), he likes to wake up just to make sure you have not moved to Maui in the hour or so he has been resting, and Peas likes to cuddle. She believes that a nice warm body to cuddle with is the ticket to dreamland.

To add insult to injury, it got warm, we had a lot of snow on the ground, then it rained, which those of you who know us well know what that means...time to pump out the basement and the yard... Yes we are the crazy neighbors shop-vacing the yard out....fun times right? So no one has slept for more than three hours or so in the past week.

The bright spot?? The food. My friends have been so generous and wonderful making meals and dropping them off, I have no way to thank everyone enough. I hope that I can help them out as much when they need it, or even when they don't...just a night off.

Thank you...Thank you to all of our friends, we are blessed to have you.