Friday, March 21, 2008

It is 10:32 pm. Logically I should sleep, why would I sleep when I could blog?

Sometimes I feel like my head will not be quiet.. ever. There is always something going on, and I am a worrier by nature, a pessimist, B at least seems to thing I am.

Yesterday I had my 6 week post-partum check up. All is well, so far. When I had Stinky, I went to my 6 week check-up expecting everything to be totally fine. Had my pap, discussed birth control, got a new script and went on my way, not expecting to return for another year. I was shocked when my doctor called me a week later to give me some less than great news. My pap came back bad, and so began a hellish few months of treatments, tests, and office visits. I do not look at getting a pap as something that is a five minute procedure anymore. I worry about them before; I take it out on B (sorry about that) and until I get results I can hardly sleep.

When I found out about the problems I was pissed. I felt betrayed by B. We very nearly split up. The problem is everything can be going along pretty well and then it gets close to time for a pap, and again I lash out at Brian, granted there is no way he could have known that he contracted this, I still blame him.

Worse, now they are advertising Gardasil on television, I get that same flash of anger, of jealousy, of resentment, feeling like my husband's sexual past is slapping me in the face whenever i see one of those ads. I know I shouldn't feel like that, but the self-righteous emotional part of me does, and I do not know how to let it go; or if I even want to. In clinging to that sentiment I am limiting my vulnerability to Brian; that is the way I understand psych. I am the one who gets poked and prodded, who gets bits of them burned off with acid or LEEPs. How do I learn to forgive?


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