what a choice, or lack thereof

Monday, March 3, 2008

Recently, our youngest daughter was in the NICU. The night before she came home B and I decided to see a movie, as kind of a reminiscing thing....When princess was in the NICU we saw a movie also and commented that it would be the last time it would be so easy to see a movie...different theatre, different film, same comment.

This time we saw Juno. In the context of the circumstances of when we saw it; I was left thinking about so many different things that did not leave me comfortable.

When I got pregnant with Princess(and Stinky) B and I were not married. When I learned I was pregnant with Princess my first thought and feelings were not joy and elation, but fear and things that are much more shameful to admit. I did not want a baby. I was in no position to have one. Neither was B. Like Juno, we were 'ill-equipped". The doctors were surprised that I would even consider keeping the baby, whether to give up for adoption or to raise. They expected a woman such as myself; a working, unmarried, student to make the only 'reasonable' choice: abortion.

Technically, I do not know what I consider myself politically speaking. I do not like the idea of abortions, but honestly who does? Who grows up hoping for an abortion? I would venture to guess that most women who end up in that position do not A) take that decision lightly or B) rejoice in the fact that they are in that spot. It is a heart rending choice. Then again, I have to respect that as a woman who has experienced pregnancy and childbirth, it is not easy, it is not cheap, you need help and support. To demand that a woman go through that seems wrong as well. Especially if she was the victim of a crime.

Anyway... enough about that. I can't think about it right now. I get too sad.

Brian left the decision about what to do with the pregnancy to me. We looked at adoption, but decided to keep her for ourselves. Now every morning when I get up and see her and her blankie I have to believe that I did make the only 'reasonable' choice. I had that baby that God meant me to have. Having her changed me, changed my life, altered so much about me that I can hardly recognize the person I was before having her.

Making that choice would not have been possible without my family. Their support was immeasureable. I am grateful to have them.

An edit to add...

This should teach me to try and think deeply while sick and exhausted. The point I was trying to make was that I was happy to see a movie that showed other 'options' (I hate that word for it, it makes a baby sound like an upgrade)


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