post election redux

The election was a while ago and I had hoped that calmer heads would prevail.  Sadly, that has happened.

I am still worried and feeling insecure. Will my insurance be changed and caps/limits be imposed which can cause me to be die?

Yesterday, the Senate voted to repeal the ACA- the thing that had saved my life.

While I currently I have insurance via a municipality- until the ACA it had a limit attached to it.

I worry for my kids. I worry for people who have been marginalized- who very well may be facing further marginalization.

What now? What next? I will fight for the rights of those people who are facing marginalization.
I will speak up when I see in justice. I raise my children to speak out against injustice.  I will raise my children to call out racism and hate.

Hate has no home here.  My house, my home is a place for inclusion. It is a place for love. Never hate.

Henry's egg hunt

So we have chickens.  We have had them since March but they have been laying eggs only since July.

Henry's favorite activity is to harass the chickens and find the eggs.  He is always so proud of himself when he goes and collects the eggs from the hens.  The hens (or the ladies, as they are referred to commonly) are very patient with their three year old jailer.

He will go and pick them up despite them being nearly his size- and put them where he wants them.
Henry helps feed them, clean up after them, give them water and generally take care of them- which is a lot for a boy who does not yet use the potty consistently.

Recently, we moved the chickens to our home and subsequently had to build them an area- which Henry was very helpful with.

However- before the coop was completed tragedy struck in the form of White Fang-- the very prey driven husky found her way outside and killed a chicken-- Laverne a lovely chicken who was my personal favorite.

This was a huge trauma.  The kids all took it horribly.  And insisted on a memorial for Laverne complete with a graveside prayer.

But they have moved on- and are very happy to be caring for the chickens.

Princess and her Sister

Princess has a best friend- she has been best friends with this girl since the first day of kindergarten.  They met on the playground and never looked back.

At first it was playdates supervised by parents-- making sure they were sharing- and being nice.  It evolved into talks on the phone and sleepovers.  Now they text-- and rove from one house to another like a pair of hungry bandits. 

It has evolved from a friendship to sisterhood.  They bicker like sisters, but love each other.  They squabble and just as soon as I have figured out what happened they are begging to see each other.

Watching them together is wonderful, I love knowing that Princess has someone (and a spare set of parents) to look out for her- love her- and support her. 

I am so thankful to the family who we love and consider our family.  Princess's friend and her family are included in our family activities- because family is more than just relatives.

Princess and her sister(friend) will remain friends forever, I bet.  They have already supported and seen each other through some tough times- with grace and care that I could use a lesson in.  They also share joy and hope- and everything that tween girls should- the giggles and the smiles. 

To Friend's family-- thank you for loving our Princess.  We love you and your family dearly.  We are deeply thankful.

Why do they grow up

Someone posted a thing on Facebook the other night about the "Last Time".

When was the last time I nursed Pixie-- clearly there was one time that was the last time. There was one time that I held her close and had her nurse.  I don't remember when this was- which is sad- I feel like there should have been a way to mark that.  This is true for all of the kids (except LittleDude) who is still nursing.

When was the last time I picked up Stinky and carried him to bed? Or put him on my back? There obviously was a last time but I don't know when that was.

I don't know what "last time" will be next.  Will it be the last time I "muggle" Pixie and Peas?  Will it be carrying them to bed? Reading them a story? When will it be the last time to hold their hands to cross the street?

Even knowing that that this last time is looming- it can be hard to appreciate the little things.  It can be hard to remember to cherish the snuggles, the talks, the hand holding. I hope I can learn to value this time as much as I should.

Oh Dear. Utah. Scary. brain dump

This past September was the 15th anniversary of coming back from Utah.  This has been the first year that I have not spent the day curled up in a fetal position waiting for the day to pass.  I actually only realized the date when I had yet another one of my nightmares about Utah.  Yes, I still have them with some regularity.

This morning, I looked at Princess and almost died. She is growing- up, she is not my little girl who chases geese and loves to swing at the park. It dawned on me, when I was her age I was already in the midst of an eating disorder.  A diagnosable eating disorder.

She is such an amazing person, smart, caring, strong, thoughtful, and kind.  I never want her to hurt like that.  I never want her to feel like she is not not enough just as she is.  She is special and unique and fantastic.  How can I protect her from this?  How can I keep her safe from that trip in a fun-house mirror. 

Kidney update

It came to a nephrectomy.  A radical step. Even the procedure name has 'radical' in it- Radical Nephrectomy.

It was not a decision that I made easily.  It took 4 years an a lot of attempts to fix it to get here, and now it is done.

I was left with 2 options: an ileal ureter and nephrectomy. The ileal ureter had the potential to save my kidney but was not a guarantee. The nephrectomy would cost me a kidney but would be the end of that kidney's drama.

The ileal ureter is a really involved operation and I was not a candidate for laparoscopy meaning a long incision lots of pain and a long recovery. With my clotting disorder- this would be really risky.  A nephrectomy being much a much simpler procedure and much less pain and time on recovery.

The surgery was a week ago tomorrow- and there is significant pain- but I feel better than I did before.  I don't feel sick.  I already feel better now than I did for the past few months before surgery.  

Losing my kidney has not negatively impacted my total renal function at this point, and after getting in there, my doctor completely agreed that the kidney had to go. 

So now to recover and make up for lost time... what am I going to do with all the time NOT spent in doctors offices? 

Henry Is 2

Henry just turned 2. 

He is my little man.  He still breastfeeds and sleeps in bed with me. 

I can't put into words his personality. He is unique and hysterical.  He has a great sense of humor and is caring and loving.

If I was thinking this afternoon I would have gotten a video of him singing "Let it Go" from Frozen.  He can't pronounce all the words but he has the melody and it is so cute- not that I am biased or anything.

He loves to build with blocks and legos and gets really upset if he feels left out in any way and has a sense of justice and fairness.

SUPER HENRY!

I hope we can plan a great party to celebrate how awesome he is.  Our family would not have been complete without him.

Just Joy

Little Dude is an extremely happy boy (except of course when he is unhappy, the look out world).

Today I was just thinking about how genuinely joyful he is and how much I have learned from his contagious joy.

A few weeks ago we went to an indoor water park and I have never seen anyone so excited.  His whole body literally trembled with glee.  When I would get ready to put him down his little legs were already running.  When he smiles his whole body smiles.  Like pure happiness just exudes from him.  He claps, jumps, and squeals as happiness just cannot be contained in his body anymore.

Even everyday things he finds so much to be happy about, playing with his cars, building a tower and knocking it over.. nothing is to mundane.  Whenever music is on he is dancing.  He has quite a set of moves!  His imagination is limitless he puts on capes and flies around the house with lightening speed.  LittleDude does not really walk places.  He runs. And jumps.  If there is a puddle he must jump in it.  If there is a something that looks intriguing it must be explored. Balls are thrown, furniture (and everything climbed) the world is an adventure.  I wonder what goes through his head. 

LittleDude will grab my hand and pull me to something he wants to show me.  He will run and jump into my arms with total faith that I will catch him.  Then throw his body onto me in a hug that can melt anyone, squeezing with his arms around me.  These greetings do not happen after I have been away for days, hours, or even minutes.  It could be he was just happy to see me in the living room.
When I sit down on the floor he often runs and grabs a story and then backs into my lap (really the backing into my lap to sit is the most adorable thing ever) and we read. 

When he wants to breastfeed (yes, at nearly 2 years old he nurses), he'll grab my hand and lead me to our spot for some cuddles and milk.  He'll hug me and play with my hair, gazing into my eyes while we just can soak up the moment. Until he decides to be silly and playfully bite or pull my hair (all in good fun).

Outside is always fun.  When the big kids start suiting up to go play in the snow he follows suit.  He knows his snow pants and how to put them on, he waits patiently for his boots (which he finds and brings over), coat, and mittens.  But he puts his hat on himself.  That is one way he tells you he is ready to go outside: he goes to the door and puts on his hat.

LittleDude loves animals.  You may think with so many of them being so much larger than he is he may be scared, but he isn't he loves the dogs and gives them treats and pets.  They return his adoration.  The cats tolerate him. Going to see the horses is super fun.  He loves to brush them, give them treats, and ride.  The horses also are so gentle with  him  it is shocking. When they gently take a carrot from him and he squeals with excitement, often he is met with a nicker of affection.

At night he sleeps with me.  We go to bed and he snuggles in for some milky, and adjusts a bit to get comfortable.  Usually he'll end up half on top of my chest with his ear on my heart and his fingers in my hair. I can smell his unique scent and drink the time in.  I complain a lot about this sometimes, but truth of it is, I love the closeness with him.  I love watching him smile in his sleep, his eyes dance with dreams.  I love being there if he wakes up scared so I can comfort him. 

All of this joy and happiness have taught me to see the miracles in the small things.  Feel the joy in the smallest things.  Allowing myself to get super excited and not feel embarrassed about it.  To take more time to experience life instead of racing through it.

Did you tell my 18 month old baby to shut up?

Sitting in the car for several hours is not on the top 10 list of fun activities for a lot of kids. Sometimes it is just a necessity.

We were driving home and stopped at a Culver's in an attempt to delay a mutiny.

Little Dude was tired. His routine was messed up. He was out of sorts. He is 18 months old.

He threw a tantrum.  LittleDude (or Scooter) is pretty skilled at tantrums.  He has learned from the best.

I tried to calm him down while B got food. I sang, I danced, I jumped, I tried a game on the phone, I tried nursing, I tried a big boy chair, I tried sitting on my lap, a high chair, and the other kids tried peek a boo etc., and I had NO SUCCESS. He cried. He wailed.

There were three people sitting at a table near us and they were not thrilled with the tantrum (neither was I- thus trying to comfort him)

The lady told my 18 month old baby to shut up.  Not to be quiet. Not to calm down. But to shut up.  I picked my jaw up off of the floor and tried to calm down. If I said something to her--- I would have ended up in jail.

So I told B what had happened and he looked at me aghast.  "Are you serious??" he asked.  Yes, I said. He walked around the corner and got ready to approach her- again making sure he heard me correctly..."Really??" Yes really.

He confronted her,  her rudeness knows no bounds: she was rude to Brian too.  Thankfully, B is a lot more level headed than I am. He was stunned.  I thought about how I could be the most offensive possible to her--- whipping out superboob and convincing Pixie to have an amuse bouche with LittleDude? Tell all of  the kids to lose it and tantrum? I decided to take the high road.

She did tell B that she was a teacher and she did not want to have to listen to crying children when she was not at work. OMG- then don't go to a restaurant that caters to families at 5:30 pm.  If we had our kids at a nice restaurant and there was a behavior issue that's another thing.  If I was not at least attempting to comfort him- again that is another situation.  I feel really badly for kids she teaches. 

The tantrum wasn't even that long. Maybe 10 minutes at most.  The big kids were being very polite and sitting nicely.

While we were eating (the tantrum had ended) they got up and moved to a different section; leaving a huge mess in their wake- really it was disgusting.

We finished eating and cleaned up after ourselves- like normal people- and left.

What do you do when someone says something out of line? Was she out of line? Was I out of line? Was B out of line?

Besides even when having a tantrum LittleDude  (or Scooter) is really cute.

Me?? on a diving board??

Heck, I am pretty reasonably in shape.  I pole dance. I do yoga. I have 5 kids- I have to chase them.

We went to a pool last week.  Princess's friend wanted to go off the diving board.  I made a deal with her, if she did, I would.

I walked to the end of the board- and thought what the hell am I doing here?  I am 31 years old. I have no need to be on a diving board.  Worst, I took my glasses off and I am really blind without my glasses so my biggest concern was swimming to the side of the pool to climb out.

But like any stupid move I have made, I jumped. It should be noted, I am a good swimmer. I just have to wear my goggles--you know the blind thing.

However I was in the water, it was sink or swim, and tread water (thanks for that 15 minutes treading test- legs only) wipe water out of my eyes and swam to the side. Easily. It felt good. My kids laughed.  It was great to see them laugh. 

We swam for a bit more, then headed home, I have no idea what the hell made me do that- but I did. It was fun- but I am not doing it again.

Having fun with my kids is the best part of parenting, seeing their faces light up seeing them laugh- it was a great way to release some stress. 

Why do babies hate sleep

Why do babies hate sleep?

Seriously?  Why do they fight that crap so much-- who ever said sleep like a baby clearly never had one.

I take back every single time I fought sleep.  Rocking, walking, nursing, singing.

Please note I am not a believer in cry it out- but damn if someone told me to go to sleep I'd be all over that.  Instead- it is a hard won fight to bed with at least one child in bed at the start of the night and by the morning several more have joined which makes bed tetris with kids, pets, and parents.  The kids of course wake up thrilled and excited and full of energy- where as my husband and I stagger out of bed looking at the sun wondering how Earth it could be morning already- yet my kids are charged and ready to go.

So why do babies (and kids) abhor sleep? And What in the heck can you do about it?

I end up just waiting them out- knowing at some point their little eyes will flutter shut after they become heavy.

Princess would go to sleep she just would go to sleep no questions know fuss.  Stinky would sing to keep himself awake.  Peas. What to say about Peas..... she thought (and thinks) that sleep is the end of the world. We tell her to listen to her body when it is tired (etc) and she says she 'can't hear her body' oh well. Pixie just needs to stop moving for 30 seconds to fall asleep.  She moves and moves and moves.....but a few minutes of cuddles now she now goes to sleep. She used to need to nurse herself to sleep while sticking her her feet under my back.  LittleDude snuggles and nurses to sleep while he places with his hair.  Overnight he will scoot next too me to keep close.

But the question remains why the hatred of sleep? 

Pixie's Guys

Pixie is silly and funny and a ball of laughs.  She has opinions. She knows what she wants.

Last night it was raining, snowing, icing-- you know a normal Chicago area winter night-- and I had to go to CVS.  As driving in that type of weather is hell, I decided to walk.  So some kids decided to come with me.

Princess her friend- we we love like another child- and Pixie.

We got started and Pixie was sad that she couldn't run like the bigger girls.  She stopped and in tears cried, "wait guys!!!" then looked up at me and said "My guys!!! My Guys!" I called ahead told the girls that Pixie wanted to keep up with them and being the great kids they are came back and let her keep up with them (have I mentioned that they are pretty cool kids?)

Pixie calls her friends her "guys"- the phrasing that kids use is so much fun.

"oh my you've got your hands full!"

Any time I take my kids somewhere I get this.

"Wow.  Your hands are full!"  or
"Are they all yours?" or
"Do you know how this happens?" or
"Are you done yet?" or
"Are you crazy?"

Yes, my hands are full.  But so is my heart.  I have 5 kids.  5.  One whole handful.  One amazing group of kids. I am thankful for every.single.one of them.  Each of them is a blessing.

But you see-- my hands are full- but my heart is more full.  My kids are so loving and so joyful (most of the time- everyone has their days).  I cannot imagine life without all of them.  They are my heart.

Yes. They are all mine--well kind of.  And my husband's.  And our families (family not being limited to relatives- family meaning everyone who we love and who loves us-- which is A LOT more than blood relatives), they are also G-d's children. He for some reason- that I may never understand fully blessed me with these 5 great kids- He entrusted them to me- I don't know why- but He did.

Yes. I know how it happens. I was a Biological Sciences major in college-- got this one down.

Meh. If it happens it happens.  Truth be told- I was not expecting any of my kids.  They were all amazing surprises and great blessings.

Sure, I'm crazy.  We all are crazy in our own way.  Crazy keeps things interesting.

No Hate

Hate is one word that we do not use in our house.

It is one of the words that I do not let my kids say.  We also avoid words such as stupid, dumb, retard, gay, etc

Honestly, I do not mind nearly as when the kids say other inappropriate words, such as the 'f word', but that has only happened a few times, mostly because I said it when I broke a toe.

Why do we not say hate??

Hate is too strong.  Hate, to me, is associated with violence.  Violence in general is something I seek actively to avoid.

It may be harmless so to speak to say you hate coconut (for example)- but really do you hate coconut or do you just really really intensely dislike it.  Hate is just too strong of a word to use.

What words do you not use? 

Attatchment Parenting--ahead of the fashion

So Attachment Parenting is the new thing.

Celebrities are doing it.  It is 'in' to babywear (in a non crotch-dangler), it is in to co-sleep (or bed-share), breastfeeding is cool now, cloth diapers are stylish, gentle parenting is the new rule, milk sharing is more mainstream, crying it out is out, and listening to our instincts is replacing listening to experts.

Thank goodness.

I am always behind the times.  Like terribly behind the times- on this though I am thrilled (and proud) that I was ahead of the curve- maybe the only time I have ever been 'ahead of my time'.

When I would wear my now 8 year old because she liked to cuddle, I would be told that she needed to learn to self soothe.  She couldn't learn to self sooth unless I showed her and made her feel safe.

When we opted out of most baby proofing in favor of being with the kids and watching them or just putting things away (like in storage, away)  that could be broken or injure them (like choosing green cleaning products--- goooooo vinegar!) I was told that my kids would be injured, poisoned, or whatever.  Thus far, no one has died and my children are learning to use their bodies adeptly-  I am usually observing ready to step in if there is an issue, but usually I let them be.

When we did extended breastfeeding with Stinky- I felt I needed to hide it.  I am proud that I have been able to nurse my kids for a long time.  We have an amazing bond and the benefits of breastfeeding are undeniable.

When we let Peas set her own pace for things instead of pushing her, I was told that I was doing her a dis-service.  Peas is an amazing girl- but stubborn.  Pushing her would prevent or delay her growing into the awesome kid she is.

When Pixie lived on my chest for months because she was happiest there, I was told she needed to be on her own or she'd have a hard time walking.  She walked at 9 mos.

When Little Dude crawls around the house that has not been sanitized I have been told he will get sick.  Actually- his immune system will be stimulated and learn to respond to threats.  By nursing him I am giving him a boost, but for your body to make antibodies- it first needs to be exposed to the bug.

Now, it seems that my weird parenting style is becoming more mainstream and people are seeing the benefits of it- yay!

Our instincts are there for a reason. Listen to them (use reason and good judgment too, of course, but our instincts are to care for and protect our babies by keeping them close).

(and as a post script- I just have to say it----- I told you so.)

The Sock Saga

One of the things that annoy me most are the sighs and grumbles and under the breath mutterings that say so much with out saying a single word.

Today, I called my husband out on it, he does the under breath grumbles quite often.  He used to actually say something picky about it. So maybe this is progress, but whatever-- it bothers me a lot.  I am left feeling like I can do nothing right, or good enough, not a good feeling.

Wait--- for this story to makes sense you need context right?

Our house has a hard time keeping track of lids.  Lids to juice, to water, to anything--- it will get lost.

Last night husband was in the cupboard and noticed the Tylenol, and he noticed the lid was missing from the Tylenol (of course).  He grumbled, grunted, sighed heavily, and with an 'ugh' worthy of a Grand Slam Tennis serve, he shut the door.

I went on with the evening feeling less than, like I could do nothing good enough.  Thus the confrontation.

He defended himself saying that he isn't saying anything.  I countered that it was not what he was saying it was the message that was being put across.

Anyway, to the socks.  He takes off his socks next to the bed. and leaves.them.there. This used to really bother me- I told him so-- that in fact there were his socks on the side of the bed at that very moment and I just had to give it up and make the best of it... not grumble or endure it.  That now instead of grumbling about the socks I just pick them up and toss them down the stairs. No harm. No foul. Life goes on.

He had to walk over to the side of the bed to verify that in fact there were socks on the side of the bed- and that they were HIS socks.. Despite walking over to his side of the bed... noting the presence of the socks-- he did not pick them up.  Instead he just went downstairs. 

Tea

When I was little my mom would invite our neighbor over for tea- daily it seemed- or we would go there.

While they talked, the neighbor's son and I would play. 

I learned to love tea.  I associate the warmth of tea with cozy, intimate friendships, that distance cannot impede.

When I was really little my mom gave me tea with milk and sugar.  Then honey. Now I drink tea like she does- almost room temperature plain.

Tea will always make me feel closer to my mom.  I like that feeling.  At the moment there are two mugs (empty) sitting next to me- and those are only the cups I have not put in the sink today.

Even though there are times I would have thrown the mugs at my mom rather than sit and have a cup of tea with her, I am really so thankful I have those memories with her.

I hope I can foster that kind of relationship with my kids (maybe without the tea throwing part).

Want to make a kid feel dumb?

Send them to school.

***This is a rant-ish post of my own personal experience as a parent within the public school system with very sensitive (and smart kids)***

I am sure it also clearly exposes some of my own insecurities and issues with school as well.

Princess is in 3rd grade.  Everyday after school there are tears.  Math is confusing her- I'll try and explain it a different way- a way that makes sense in my head, because, ya know maybe we think similarly and all--- but then she flips because her teacher said for her to do it differently and she.must.do.as.the.teacher.says. <<>>>

Somehow we make it through the the math, science, and on to English- grammar specifically.  As a product of Catholic schools I can diagram a sentence and parse a noun like no one's business.  But there are more tears. 

Finally, in the morning she comes down the stairs and tells me she wishes she were like some other kid in school who is the smartest.  It is hard to explain to an 8 year old that the other kid may appear to be really good at something, s/he may have difficulty but hiding it, maybe s/he has struggles in other parts of his or her life. 

More importantly- she is great just the way she is.  Just how she is.  So math is hard- that is only this specific math- arithmetic for me sucks- but I can do differential equations and higher order math without a problem.  She is one of the most caring and sweet girls I know.  She is amazing, smart, and wonderful.

It makes me so sad to have to build her up every morning for her to come home so sad.  It makes me so sad for her to compare herself to other kids- they are not the same- they are individuals. 

Honestly, I did the same- and I still do it-- compare myself to others- myself always coming up short.  I do not want her to repeat that pattern. 

If you have a crab put it in water

Oh my goodness.  My kids these days are really teaching me about patience and helping me develop more!

I remembered a lesson I learned as a kid, "If you have a crab put it in water"  This was in reference to getting a hermit crab to stop pinching, but it works just as well for people.

When you are feeling really short tempered and cross (thanks to Grandma for reminding me of that word) take a shower or a bath.  When your kids are going to drive you up the wall- put them in the bath. 

It really works.  There is something about water that is so inherently soothing it can help relieve stress and tension.  It works for sick kids (and teethers).