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That is an awful clinical saying for "your baby died and we need to clean you out". Lovely.
Yesterday was my D&C. Not pleasant. Would not recommend as a way to spend a Friday. So now what? The 'products' were sent to pathology for examination but my doctor thinks that given my cervical issues and how everyone in the house was so sick, it was just too much and my body could not support another life right now. The doctor there said "don't worry you can try again in two months". well that would be great you see but I did not want any more children.
Should I be relieved that I do not have to face another long road of pregnancy which may or may not be complicated? Should I be sad that another member of our family will not be joining us in a few months? Should I say "ok lets try again?".
I am torn. That is the hard part. True I did not want another baby (at least now). I did not think I could handle it? Did I kill him/her? Was he taken from me because I was ambivalent? Did God see I was not trusting His wisdom in blessing us with another child?
Now, I got attached. I began to imagine life with 4 children...the craziness...the delight...imagining watching this baby and Zoe grow up so close. I am sad that I will not see that. I am sad that it will not happen.
My husband is taking how fast I became attached as an indication that we should have another baby. Which I was beginning to be ok with the idea of. So now what? Where do I go from here? Do we 'try'? do I say 'I am done'? do I say give me a couple of years and we can discuss again??
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3 comments:
Elizabeth, I'm sorry for your loss. I didn't realize you were pregnant again.
Elizabeth, NO WAY did you hurt or kill your baby. Women all around the word feel terrified, depressed, ambivalent at the news that they are pregnant, and this has NO IMPACT on the baby. Probably, your body knew what you also know - it couldn't handle it right now. Or a million other things that can go wrong so early on. But you are not in any way to blame.
As for trying again, and when - only your heart knows...be at peace.
I am sorry for this loss.
I echo Catherine... you are in NO WAY to blame. You loved that baby, no matter if it was expected or not. You still mourn that loss and give should give yourself room to experience all the emotions this brings up for you. Please let us, your friends, walk with you through this and help bare the burden as much as we can. That is what we are here for. Love you.
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