Peas is home

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Welcome home Peas!

She arrived home Monday evening, in the middle of a snow storm. Of course. This child likes storms!

I arrived at the NICU and the doctor said that she was ready to go! What a surprise! What a shock! Home we went!

I'll post more when we get into a routine!

Peas' dramatic arrival

Friday, February 15, 2008

Nothing can be easy in life that is worth having right? Well then my children should be preparing to accomplish something extraordinary because of all of the work that even getting them here safely has been!

After the fun of morning sickness and the fatigue of the first trimester. I was eager to move on to bigger and better things. Bigger and better complications maybe.....

She measured small from the 20 u/s...hmmm let the frequent md appts start. Delightful. They also started administering weekly 17p injections to hopefully maintain my pregnancy a little longer...yeah that worked well.

at 27 weeks I abrupted slightly and got put on strict bed rest. Ever done bed rest with 2 children?? Yep contradiction in terms; rest in general with 2 kids is a contradiction in terms.

I continued to dilate and have contractions.... at 30 weeks we had the fun of pre-term labor and the ensuing party that is magnesium sulfate I would not wish that on my worst enemy. Seriously nasty stuff.

My doctor ordered a follow up u/s for that week because I had continued to measure small and the baby did not appear to gain weight well. The follow up u/s confirmed that. We were then sent to an MFM for more in depth diagnosis and treatment. The doppler studies confirmed that blood flow through the cord was not optimal and that the baby was in fact small. Nope nothing I could do about it, just wait, watch, and worry, frantically. It was decided that I would go back for weekly doppler studies and if things got worse it was baby-time.

Early Friday morning the next week, my water broke. I did what every 3rd time mom would do, woke up husband told him to get me a towel and turned over and went back to sleep. It was three am, what was I going to to do? Sit in an uncomfy bed at the hospital?? Nope.

When I could bear the anxiety no longer, I got up and surfed the net, had breakfast, showered etc. Called OB, was told to go to hospital. I had to stop at Kohls to pick up some last minute items, namely baby clothes.

The doctor confirmed that my bag had broken and was sent to labor and delivery, he wanted to induce right away but had to call and check with the MFM, she wanted to wait for three days...until I was officially 34 weeks before induction, they would not stop labor if it started, but would not start it until 34 weeks. More bed rest, this time in the hospital.

Monday came...It my attempts at laboring alone was not effective. So pit was started, nothing happened. Very annoying. I decided to lay down and try and rest in the afternoon after all day of intermittent contractions that were ineffective. I was beginning to think about the possibility of a c-section. She had other plans. As soon as I woke up contractions were hard and fast, true pit contractions.

3.5 cm crap..hours change, baby was lower. Shift change, mean nurse came on see previous post. No cervical change. I was afraid I could not handle the labor.

Had husband call Super Doula Neighbor. Wow. having her there really helped. Just the presence of another woman helped and I have never felt so secure in such a vulnerable situation.

Having them both there helped me through the contractions, the feeling for no control, helpless....not good feeling.

I decided that I wanted an epidural, the contractions were to fast and too hard. In the time intervening between asking for the drugs and being able to get them, they needed to run in fluid to flush out other meds. I asked for the pit to be turned down. The nurse, turned off the pit which made all of the difference of the world. My body was allowed to then do its job.

The anesthesiologist arrived to administer the drugs, the nurse helped me sit up to get the medication, as soon as I sat up I realized that there was not going to be time to get the drugs. The baby was coming, right then. NICU team was called, in-house OB was called, things were prepped for delivery.....however Peas, did not want to wait for anyone else to get ready.

With B, Super Doula, and the nurses all telling me not to push (I wasn't) But who has any control at that point....Not pushing was futile; she was coming.

In a second Peas made her arrival on to the bed assisted by two nurses. She was immediately handed off to the NICU team. She needed a little help waking up but over all she did pretty well.

Very soon after the in-house OB walked in and was still half asleep. He seemed surprised to have missed all of the fun. Minutes later my OB arrived again surprised that things moved so fast.

I got to hold Peas for a second before she was taken to the nursery for some more help. Soon after I got to get cleaned up and get some rest.

It was a dramatic experience but one that I would not trade. I am so glad that I did not get any drugs. I liked feeling a part of the labor and delivery, I liked being fully aware and conscious of it. If we ever have another I would like to do it without drugs again.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

For those of you who have no heard, Peas was welcomed into the world February 12, 2008 at 12:17 am.

She had a dramatic entry to the world, in her own time and way...yep another one of those kids.

I would like to express my gratitude to the many amazing nurses who cared for us during our numerous hospital stays. I like personable nurses. People who will chat with you and get to know you. It levels the playing field. They are seeing you in am incredibly vulnerable position. Knowing them as a person instead of the person who floats into and out of the room makes you feel a little more human and a little less terrified of everything that is happening around you.

90% of the nurses I have had have been like that. They have been great. People whom I genuinely liked and even cared about. However, the one nurse who we had during the shift that I had the hardest labor with was not my favorite. I tried engaging her and tried getting her to talk....nothing. Grrr. Very frustrating. Maybe she was having a bad day.

My amazing neighbor/doula/friend was there and helped us get a new nurse, one who we had the night before actually....and she was great. She and the other nurse actually ended up delivering the baby.

Is this all??

Sunday, February 10, 2008

This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately and just putting it out there will, I hope make me feel better.

Sometimes I wonder if I am missing God's plan for me, where as sometimes I feel like I have made a lot of mistakes and finally gotten on track. What I mean by that is: up until a year ago, I had a great career, ok well not great but it paid well and it was intellectually challenging, frustrating but challenging. I hated leaving the children in day-care but I felt like I was using my abilities for good. A year ago, I quit. My son was sick and we decided that it would better for us (all of us) if I stayed home. My husband's career is very demanding time-wise and not family time friendly, we were constantly arguing whose turn it was to pick up the kids or take them to day-care, or take time off for a sick day. We also debated how hard it was for him to be on-time to pick up the kids, even when it was his 'turn'. He picked up a side-job that demanded more of his time, so I took care of the kids and house 2 mornings out of 3 and then one night on my own. Which is tiring. The worst was the time that he was home we had to spend dealing with house stuff, laundry, cleaning, shopping etc. there were not enough hours, and we both thought that it would be best if one of us was home with the children for more than 45 minutes a day.

I mistakenly thought that staying at home would be easier than going to work, and in some ways it is an was. If I over sleep the worst that happens is breakfast is late, oh well. The downside is I never leave my job. My job follows me to the bathroom and applauds the fact that I pee'd in the potty. Cute at first but it gets old.

There are a lot of times I am jealous that my husband gets to leave and take a break from the "mama's" that I get 24 hours a day. He gets to talk with people in complete sentences and even occasionally use words of greater than 2 syllables. My conversation consists mostly of "leave your brother alone" or "all done kitty" can be brain numbing.

As I sit and empty the dishwasher daily I wonder if this is what God wants for me; if this is what I want for myself. I am intelligent and college educated, and for heaven sakes I figured out how to change a tire!, and I do laundry, wash dishes, and change diapers all day. What am I missing.

It could be argued that by raising my children I am definalty contributing to society. I can educate them in world politics, human rights, and other things that I consider important but overlooked by the majority of people. I can raise my children to have a social and global consciousness that allows them to be citizens of the world and not just of a city or town. That has great value. However, when changing my 5th poopy diaper of the day maintainging that perspective is challenging.

Part of me is concerned because I am not provideing a feminist environment for my daughter to grow up in. She told me she did not want to be a mommy when she grew up because she did not want to clean all of the time. That made me sad. Is that all I do? Is that the example I am setting for a woman's worth? That to be a mommy is to clean?

To be a woman is to be constantly struggling, constantly fighting. Double standards, work needs, family needs, childrens needs, somewhere in there my needs, but where? How do I demonstrate the balence? How do I learn the balence without dropping someone somewhere?


Saturday, February 9, 2008

Ok so here I am in the hospital leaking amniotic fluid 33 and 6/7ths weeks pregnant with my third child it is 1:45 am and I cannot sleep. My mind will not stop. Well, I am usually a little over active but I cannot settle right now. I feel like I have sat for too long. I need to get up move, do SOMETHING, anything.

My husband is sleeping on the pull out sofa right now. No one makes as much noise as he does. Seriously, from eating to sleeping this man is not quiet ever. Burping, gas, everything and it annoys me. A lot. Yes they are functions but come there a limit? I don't remember this much crap from when we were dating. I could be being too irritable...I admit that. How do I accept it? How do I let it go? Maybe there is something wrong with me that I am so irritable and crabby.

Why do I get so annoyed with the snoring?? I feel like he can do something about and he doesn't.

The worst of it is my husband whom I am supposed to love above all else, annoys me not only with the noises but just in general. He irritates me, and I am scared. I am scared that means I am falling out of love with him. I am scared that it means our relationship is not as strong as it should be, as it could be, as I want it to be. I am scared that one day we will pass some arbitrary point of no return and then we will be miserable until we split or until we die. I don't want that. He is a wonderful father and sweet man who does love me, he does care about me.

Some of the time I wish we had more in common. I am a reader. I love books, probably a little too much. I get excited about going to the library because you get to be with all of these thoughts, stories, etc from so many truly brilliant people who changed history, who changed lives, and we get to share in it. We get to learn from it; be entertained by it. Weird huh? Who gets that excited about books? My wonderful husband, not so much... I know he has read, but not much, at all.

He is a techy dork. Loves it. I am not fond of it, at all. I can never get it to work for me, ever, it breaks, or doesn't work right, and I hate it. Why have some thing to do something to make something 'easier' and have it break spend 20 minutes fixing it when you could have just done it the way that it has worked for years? Basically the if it is not broken do not mess with it stand point. Oh well.

TV. I could take it or leave it. eh. I have other things to do, books to read, etc. B would have a heart attack if we got rid of cable. I would jump for joy. B likes science-y shows, I get that. To an extent. there is almost always a death and destruction element to them: the world will end like this and we will all die!!! If I wanted to get depressed I would read my old journals. Not sit in front of the TV to be 'entertained' being told how the world will end. Not my cup of tea. Thanks.

Sometimes I feel like B and I have very little in common, not enough to build a life on.

The Immortal Fish

A while ago Princess requested a goldfish when we were at PetSmart for dog food. Sure what the heck a .12 goldfish, we thought.....she immediately christened the fish "UJ", after my brother.

We set the tank up in her room and explained that we needed to feed him everyday, a little pinch of food. Like fools we left the food in her room. A three year old's definition of "little pinch" is apparently different than everyone elses. Somehow 'little pinch' translates to the entire container of fish food, some in the tank, most out of it, in one of her hats (huh?? why??) So much for the nap that she was supposed to take. Fish food is a pain to clean up. Months later I am still finding flakes places. Amazingly the goldfish survived that, with no obvious ill effects.

Once we got past that incident she decided that Uncle Joe would like stickers, hmmm, goldfish like stickers?? Who knew?? Again, the fish survived the sticker assault.

Next came the toys...UJ was she put barbie toys in his tank..he did not seem interested but he did not seem offended either.

Since the first incident of fish food all you can eat buffet DH and I had assumed responsibility for the feeding of the fish, and retained custody of the food. Unfortunately if the animal cannot ask for food we often forget to feed it. Sometimes long enough that we forget where the food is! Most mornings I awaken and look at his tank expecting to see a dead fish. So far he has been resilient and survived the overfeeding, the starvation diet, and the various assaults.

Dh and I have decided that the fish is immortal. Yes I know that as soon as I post this I have signed his death warrent....