some photos from fall fest

We had a great time at Peas' school's fall fest. It was the best time the kids and I had in a long time.

Skunked.

Thank you captain obvious, right?

Well it stinks even more when combined with morning sickness. It just is gross. It is cruel you know, at the time when my sense of smell is already heightened beyond belief to add skunk to it.

The other night the dogs were out in the yard while I was putting the kids to bed. All of a sudden there was a little yelp followed by the unmistakable odor of skunk. The pungent close range skunk, that you can even taste.

Charlie- the golden doodle- took a direct hit in the face. This is not his first time being skunked. I would have expected even him to learn that skunks do not equal a good time.

However, he has not.

The dogs stayed in the mudroom overnight, because, well they just smelled awful. Everything smelled (and still does smell) awful.

Thankfully, Charlie was not injured in the attack.

We used hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and soap to try and combat the stench, and it worked reasonably well.

Hopefully, soon, the rest of the smell that permeates the house will dissipate. So fat I have made bread, cookies, and oatmeal bars to try and counteract the smell to minimal avail.

An Eating Disorder Rant

It drives me nuts when people simplify it so much: eating disorders are about (insert, control, body image, self esteem) whichever.

Its not that simple. It is not. It is like saying a cold is about a runny nose. Great that may be a part of it, a superficial part of it, but at most a part of it- a symptom of the issue.

As someone who has spend countless hours in therapy dealing with an eating disorder- it is not about that. It goes much deeper than that- in most cases.

My eating disorder was a way of protecting myself a way of guarding myself from being hurt, from being vulnerable, from needing anyone, from trusting anyone lest I get hurt. It was about me being perfect. It became about feeling fat and overweight- but it did not start that way (in several studies men were given limited amounts of calories and they began to start obsessing about their weight and food, which suggests the response to starvation of that sort is more biological and not necessarily related to the eating disorder itself).

It irritates me to to end when people go on and on about the horrors of advertisements on girls self image or how awful Barbies are. I played with Barbies, I never wanted to look like one, it is a doll. Ads, certainly do not help, but it is kind of ridiculous to blame eating disorders and poor self esteem on ads. Poor self esteem comes from much more than advertisement exposure.

parenting rocks

To quote one of my parenting idols, Dayna Martin, "Life Rocks" and it does and so does parenting (most of the time).

Of course, my kids make me absolutely insane at times, but they bring me so much joy and laughter too, I love seeing them be who they are. Living in happiness. Experiencing life.

It is so hard sometimes to be sure you are doing the right things by your kids. One thing that I have slowly come to realize is, if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Peas is- a lot. Her personality is intense, her passion like fire and sometimes that exhausts me. To give me a break and her some time to be Peas. She is enrolled at a local school 2 mornings a week.

She loves it. Sprints from the car to the building running in the orchard on the way. They learn by playing and doing. Each of the children is expected just to be himself or herself and their passions and interests are fostered. It is thrilling to watch Peas flourish in this environment. To see her eyes light up.

There is something special about this school. Something that makes it so amazing that I cannot express how grateful I am for it.

The kids get to play outside, fly kites, go sledding, play in water, do all sorts of wonderful things soaking up their teachers love for them, being who they are. That rocks.

Liberally, speaking

"Capital punishment is the most premeditated of murders." -Albert Camus
If you know me, you know I am pretty darn liberal in voting stance.

I usually don't blog political stuff- because I do not feel well versed enough to have a meaningful debate, and instead of educating myself, I fully admit I am lazy.

This needs to be discussed though.

The execution of Troy Davis. I have been anti-death penalty since forever. But this case really bothered me. More than most. It made me angry and it smacks of so many flaws in the system.

I do not believe one person or the state has the right to kill someone- it goes back to my numerous discussions with the kids- that two wrongs to not make a right- well killing someone else certainly does not bring back the original victim (aside from the fact that death row inmates cost taxpayers millions in appeals and the fact that the death penalty clearly does not function as a deterrent) it makes us no better than the original person who took a life.

While I do not know the specifics of Troy Davis case- and I certainly cannot say conclusively whether he was guilty or innocent, but there was doubt. When the majority of witnesses recant their testimony- more investigation deserves to be done. It wasn't. We failed. That is a tragedy.

Our system, while it is the best we have, is inherently flawed because it is a human system. There is always a chance that an innocent person will be imprisoned or executed, and that is not a chance I am okay with.

To quote a wise woman- despite this tragedy there seems to be more outrage over the new Facebook layout.

A caveat- I understand that if my child were killed. I can pretty much guarantee that I would want to personal kill the person responsible, but that does not mean it is right. It does not mean it is my right. It does not mean that it should happen.

What's in a name?

With the unexpected pregnancy, I have had the fun and stress of thinking about naming this baby.

Naming a baby stresses me out. It is one of the first chances I have to really mess up the baby.

I have been stalking baby name generators, baby name meanings, baby girl names, and baby boy names hoping for inspiration. I have come up woefully short. There are very few names that I can honestly see naming a baby, and given the other kids names I need to make sure that it at least 'goes' a little.

Given Princess's first name can be a boys name or a girls name I would feel weird naming a boy (if this is a boy) a name that is even remotely unisex. I also can not see naming a girl an overly frilly name given the names of the girls.

To make it more interesting, I also care about the baby name meaning. Like Anne of Green Gables, I can't see a rose smelling as sweet if it were called a skunk cabbage.

So any ideas for brilliant baby names?

Where did I go?

I have not been able to dance in a while.

For the past year I have been a pole dancing soccer mom. Pole dancing is how I express myself. This is how I exercise. This is how I get out. This is me.

I have prided myself on being active. On playing. But now, I can't. My arm is in a cast which is making things hard. Then my breathing is obnoxious. And I am pregnant. My identity is missing.

Some witty title about asthma I guess

I had a mini vacation, not the good kind, the really over expensive medical kind- the hospital.

Colds come and go right? For me they go and live in my chest for a while and make all sorts of insanity. For a few days my breathing had been tight, I stepped up my meds, and paid attention, but it kept getting worse. I started steroids and breathing treatments, I just could not get ahead of it. Finally, on Saturday it was clear I was losing the battle and went to the hospital.

They got me in and hooked up to oxygen and a breathing treatment super fast. I looked and sounded like crap.

Sweet relief that is IV steroids, dual breathing treatments, mag, and epinephrine. Oxygen is good. Breathing is good. I was no longer sweating to breathe.

The doctor did not want to send me home much to my disappointment (however this turned out to be very wise). I was sent upstairs. The hospital has a new bed tower. It is nicer than most hotels I have stayed in. Really.

Either this hospital just has amazing nurses, or I have really gotten lucky every time I have been there.

My breathing turned for crap again way too soon and the ICU was mentioned- this one I stood firm on. NO ICU. I got to stay in my room, but my meds were bumped up.

Asthma and pregnancy can be tricky. No mom wants to expose her child to unnecessary medication, but the potential risks to the baby from lack of oxygen are more severe and more real than risks from meds.

I have been asthmatic as long as I can remember. Despite that, sometimes it takes me by surprise and catches me off guard.

This morning my doctor was concerned with my pulse being to fast and given my history of clotting, pregnancy, and other risks, he elected to up my heprin and test me for pulmonary emboli- which thankfully were absent, and I was allowed to go home.

Oh the smells...(morning sickness lament)

The first few months of a pregnancy are the worst for me- I have never made it full term so I cannot comment on what the last 2 are like- full disclosure.

The first few are just awful. Everything smells. Badly. I can't think of a single thing that smells good to me. Everything makes me retch and heave. I hold my breath when opening the refrigerator. I make non-smelly things for food- such as cereal (who says you can't eat it three times a day).

But unless I have told people there is no way that anyone would know I am pregnant. I am not showing, I just am a bit more chunky, so I can't play up the pregnant person sympathy.

Grocery shopping is an exercise in control over my gag reflex. Just walking in to the store I am bombarded by a hundred different odors each more nauseating than the last, so shopping is done at a full out sprint most of the time.

This is actually an improvement. I required IV re-hydration last week as for several days I could not keep even fluids down. Now that I am staying ahead of the nausea with lots of medication hopefully I can expand my diet to include more than lemon ice soon.

Men Plan G-d Has A Big Laugh

then sends a kick in the pants to remind me that He is in charge of my life, not me.

So husband and I are expecting a baby. In March. I had thought I was done adding more members to the family. After Pixie's unexpected arrival, I thought I had moved on. In fact, I gave away a lot of maternity clothes, a high chair, an exersaucer, and countless other baby accessories.

That will teach me!

on the morning of surgery, they ran a pregnancy test as is normal procedure. It was positive. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

The world tilted.

I was able to have my surgery, but I was only able to get a nerve block for it- no sedation. Not something I would recommend.

The past couple of weeks have been spent getting used to the idea, I am still having a hard time with it, as well as dealing with butt kicking nausea and vomiting.

In short: men (or women plan) G-d thinks it is pretty darn hysterical and throws you for a loop.

10 years. Nearly

9/11 has been on my mind a lot lately. This week especially, this year more than ever.

I can't believe it is already 10 years. I can't believe it is only 10 years. A lifetime? Maybe.

My kids know about it, well the oldest two do. I have fielded a lot of questions about it. About the firemen. About their families. About Daddy.

I'll never forget. I'll never forget the utter disbelief. The desperation. Not knowing. The fear.

What I focus on, or try to focus on, though is the love and support and community. Everyone had to lean on each other to process what was happening. Firemen rushed from all over the country to help the FDNY. Blood donation lines stretched longer than ever.

New York's Skyline will never be the same. We will never be the same. I will be more understanding, kinder, more grateful.

Bloggy Boot Camp

So what this was three weeks ago......LOTS has happened, which will have to wait for another post...but I am finally getting to it!

I was so nervous. I was seriously a ball of anxiety, more so than usual. One of my biggest worries was getting to the location as I am directionally impaired. Victory was mine when I arrived, in one piece.

Then more terror. What the heck are you supposed to do? I knew no one! (Thank heaven for assigned seating)

I learned a few things in terms of items to bring:
Business cards, while I had Pixis's diapers, I forgot my cards... oh well.
My camera- I cannot take photos for crap on my phone.

Anyhow.

When we started I felt like the presenters were speaking a different language. I need a dumbed down tech version- for people like me who are tech delayed. I did learn I need to re-do my blog design and I should migrate to WordPress. I need a good designers name and some tech smart people to help me get things over (also I would like to work on my Twitter Page and my Facebook Page).

I did learn a ton about blog layout and design, turns out I was(am) doing it all wrong, this will be remedied in a new layout. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

The biggest thing I took a way was that I have been operating on a policy akihttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifn to bloggy isolationism- which is not so useful. I need to break out of my comfort zone and start making more relationships (I have a few bloggy friends who I adore though).

An aside: The hotel where this was held was phenomenal. I have diet restrictions that force me to eat Gluten Free and this hotel was so accommodating. I will gladly give them my business anytime. They went out of the wan and prepared a GF grilled chicken breast with steamed vegetables for me. I was floored. The even better for dessert- they got me a fruit plate. Color me stunned. Thank you Renaissance North Shore! It was incredible!

I had the great fortune to sit with some amazing women like Momnivore's Dilemma. She rocks my socks off! And Terra Talking who is all kinds of awesome.

Must discuss options

Last week, Princess and I were discussing what she wanted to be when she grew up.
She said she wanted to be a mother. Okay...well.. I resisted the urge to say, "is that it??" as I know full well being a mother can be a damn hard job.

However, I do not her to feel like she is limited. She can be whatever she darn well pleases.

For a moment it felt like I had failed her as a mom and feminist. After re-framing my thoughts and seeing them in the light that feminism- to me- is about choice- that a person can chose to do what they want- not be hemmed in. So she has the freedom to choose and the ability to do whatever she wants. That is key. Heck she is only 7, she could easily change her mind many many times.

casts are annoying

I am in a cast on my arm after surgery.

This time Stinky got to pick the color. He wanted black- I convinced him that purple was a better choice. However, his reasoning for black was solid: I was wearing a black skirt and black and white striped shirt and he said that black would match.

This cast is very obnoxious. It goes up onto my elbow to make it so I cannot rotate my arm which makes doing almost everything more complicated and more difficult.

Something that I have learned though- chopsticks are the best for scratching down my cast (yes I know it is a big no-no but that thing itches!)