A lot

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I just returned from a babywearing party...I am so jealous of these women. I want a home business, I need a home business, I feel my sanity slipping away...maybe this is why I over commit myself to everything, because I feel the need to be 'doing' something. But I can't 'do' anything. I can crochet and sew but not a whole lot else....if anyone has any ideas please let me know.

Other than that I have been longing to go back to school lately. I have been feeling burned out or unfulfilled mothering. I don't quite know how to explain it. I never anticipated being a stay at home mom. I never anticipated having three kids, nursing, babywearing or any of it...maybe it is my inner career woman calling.

Part of it I am sure is that I am angry...maybe not angry, maybe frustrated...Brian is a fireman. I get that...He has a side job..I get that...he gets to leave and talk to grown ups who appreciate his efforts and appreciate what he does. No one thanks me for making dinner or doing the laundry, or changing diapers.

I guess I feel alone. I feel like I am in it alone. I parent by myself everyday because Brian is working. At night when he is home, he is useless...(he is not good when roused from sleep). I am at the mercy of his schedule, of the firehouse. When he is home it is like having another child. Clothes get balled up an tossed, beds unmade, kitchen not cleaned up...I have to tail them picking up stuff...(yes I would like some cheese with that whine, thanks).

How come I had to give up my career? I had a job, I was good at it. I had to leave early to pick kids up from day-care, I had to get in late...that was my responsibility. Why is it mine? They are OUR children. How come he can get tied up at work and I couldn't??? Why? I feel like screaming or crying or both.

Overwhelmed that is how I feel. Like I want to run and hide. I try to put on a good face but I can't. I am a bad wife and a bad mother for feeling this way but I need help.


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