Pinterest is AWESOME

I love Pinterest. I have mad crazy love for it.  I can spend hours on it. Pinning and hoping and getting excited about birthday parties I'll never have or a home that the closest I will come to is Pinterest boards.

The pallet gardens are wonderful the home improvement are amazing.  There are life hacks that I cannot believe I did not think of ever but make like easier by massive amounts.   The fashion ideas are awesome (especially for this walking fashion disaster)

Despite this I rarely try these ideas.  I am terrified of failure. I don't often try new things in my life aside from Pinterest because I am scared I'll suck and get made fun of (either in my head or in real life) so my boards get full and many things remain untried.

Like painting my living room.  I would love to paint the trim and the walls but I am to scared to do it, I have never painted anything aside from a picture- and I don't want to get yelled at or feel stupid.  So the walls remain unchanged.

But how do I a) move on from that, and b) not pass this to my kids?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

when you walk into my house

It will not be clean.
It will not be dust free-- in fact there may be dust monsters rolling about
It will not be organized
The counters will be cluttered
There will be toys everywhere
There will be people everywhere
There will be noise

But there will be joy.
There will be laughter (and occasional screaming)
There will be art projects proudly displayed.

There will be kids who believe the world is their oyster.  There will be parents who love.  There will be grandparents who love.  There will be great grand parents who love.

Our home is full.. Bursting at the seams.
 Full of life.  Full of learning.  Full of love. 

Feminism or a hate group

Full disclosure I am edit and revise this post as my thoughts evolve.

I have been a self proclaimed feminist and always kind of wondered why there were 'man hating' segments of that group.

Laurie A Couture pointed out that feminism has a propensity to disregard, intentionally the needs of other groups. And after many hours thinking about it- I came to the conclusion that that is true.  This is by no means to say that I think that all is hunky dory and whatever, just that by forwarding the agenda of one social group we are by default neglecting and in a way subjecting them to violence-- not always physical violence but mental and emotional- which can be just as damaging.

Here is were I am struggling: women, African Americans, Jews, Native Americans etc have all been oppressed as individual groups throughout history.  Each of these groups have amazing and powerful histories to tell and have amazing cultures to share- I am eager to learn as much about every culture I can get myself and my children exposed to.

But as long as we as a society define success as doing well in school, business, having the best house etc how can we expect those groups that have been started so far behind the starting line of white privilege? Change the definition of success?  I am all for that.

But what about the drug and gang culture?  How can we end that?  I firmly feel that secure- trusted attachment and engaging unschooling is the best deterrent to that- rather than great schools.

Back to my point.  Feminism can be considered a hate group when taken at is source.  When feminism neglects that ALL people are worthy that ALL people are deserving then it becomes a hate group.  When we realize that be being people. By being human makes us equal.  I am not equal to a man because I am a woman-  I am equal to another human because I am human.

We teach our daughters to be modest and not get raped we teach our sons to be gentlemen.  But we neglect to teach our daughters to not rape.  Girls can be sexually aggressive too. But boys often feel like they can't report it- it wouldn't be manly.  What a tragedy for their sensitive souls and hearts. Boys in fact are probably the recipients of most sexual violence and domestic violence- and then they are punished for it.  It makes no sense.

Laurie Couture, one of my parenting mentors and smartest women I know is a wonderful advocate for young boys,  I can only hope to follow in her footsteps to help save and protect young boys and men.  Her son is a shining example of a compassionate, smart, empathic young man. 

Dayna Martin, another mentor and amazing woman is a mother to an amazing unschooled family and she is a daily inspiration of compassion, advocacy, and light.

There is a lot more to say on this but my pain meds are kicking in so I will be done now.

for the love of G-d do not use antibacterial products

Antibacterial stuff has been all the rage.  And it sucks.  I get it though no one wants to get sick.  Everyone wants to protect their kids but it does more harm than good- good old soap and water is good enough- also for please for heaven's sake use antibiotics properly.

I have just had an epic battle with a bacterial infection that was resistant to all but 2 antibiotics- if it became resistant to those 2 I would really be up shit creek.

See what happens is this you have a large group of bacteria which are roughly susceptible to the same antibiotics.  You use them and one or two may develop a resistance.  Those one or two multiply and then require a stronger antibiotic.  Cycle repeats.

Then we have all of these resistant bacteria  with limited options to treat them.  This use to happen only occasionally because antibiotics were more judiciousness used now they are given for everything, and at home people are using antibacterial soaps and wipes and cleaners which are doing more harm than good leading to more and more resistant strains of bacteria that are harder and harder to treat. 

I had to have a PICC line placed- a peripherally inserted central catheter- and IV that went from a deep vein in my arm and threaded through to my heart to receive IV antibiotics at home via IV for a few weeks to treat a bacteria that should have been easily dealt with- but it had developed resistance to all but to antibiotics. 

So please stop contributing to the increase in resistant strains of bacteria.  If you do get prescribed antibiotics finish the course.  Take them as directed. 

Let me wallow for a moment

I am still in the hospital.  Still. It has been forever.

I am having a hard time explaining how I am feeling- but it is not good.  I miss my kids.  I miss my kids so much it hurts.

What if LittleDude does not love me as much?  What if he has forgotten me? Ugh What if our attachment has been disrupted? 

I miss laying down and cuddling with him an snuggling with my kids.  Watching them sleep: the funny muscle twitches.  The sweet snoring.  Their dreams. 

Not knowing my kids is terrifying.  I love knowing their passions.  Knowing their hearts.  What if I don't any more?  How do I get that back?

Annoyances is the hospital

I am no stranger to hospital, and guess what I am in the hospital again.  And I am crabby.

After a drastic increase in pain I had to go to the ER and was met with the least compassionate nurse I believe I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.

Sure, a lot of people are not well versed in their medical and health needs, but unfortunately (or fortunately) I am.

She was condescending and just rude to B and I.  We came to the ER because I couldn't bear the pain and I could not pee. She was very unkind regarding my pain and generally quite cold.

I was admitted as I was bleeding quite badly I had to be admitted. The first nurse on the floor was no kinder. 

Believe it or not- as someone who has had a decent medical history- I know my body.  I know my limits.  If I say something is not is not right- please believe me. 

Please understand that minutes seem like hours when in pain. 
Please try and respect my dignity
Please try and respect my modesty
Please try and give me the benefit of the doubt
Please at least discuss my options with me- if there is something that is unpleasant and I am hesitant.

I have also had some of the best caretakers ever.  Some of the most amazing RNs and wonderful people who deserve a huge amount of respect and appreciation. 

Life wifh a PICC in the arm

I guess I am sick.  I guess I am really sick.  Not the kind of sick where tea and a hot bath will help. 

I have a massive kidney infection (which I do not feel sick from oddly enough).  But the bacteria causing it is resistant to everything with the exception of 2 antibiotics- I had never heard of them until now.  Both of these antibiotics are IV only. 

So yesterday I had a PICC line placed.  A PICC line is a peripherally inserted central catheter.  It is inserted in the upper arm in a deep vein and threaded through to my superior vena cava. 

The PICC is inserted using ultrasound guidance, and despite numbing medicine is not a pleasant experience. 

After I had the PICC placed an xray was taken to verify the positioning of the line.

Having this procedure was kinda scary, there are risks that are exacerbated for me- particularly the danger of a clot- so I was put on anticoagulants- but I am having surgery Friday.  It is all a delicate balance.

The home health nurse came last night and taught my husband and I how to work the pump and how to care for my PICC line. 

Today, it is ok. The pulling and tugging feeling has stopped.  The challenges as I foresee them will be not forgetting my very fashionable fanny pack, not having a kid yank on it, not having LittleDude chew a hole in the tubing.

Having a nurse who's name tag says "Hospice" care in the house helping me learn the pump was very disconcerting and not all helping my case of nerves for my surgery. 

I will have a good attitude though.  If I have crappy one, everyone will suffer. There are worse things.