it is woefully obvious

Until recently I thought, erroneously so, that I was I strong person. In the past 8 weeks I have been dealing with daily pain and letting the pain win. 8 weeks of daily pain. 2 months. 2 very long months.

I have had so many x-rays, more narcotic pain medication than can be counted, 2 CAT scans, 2 ureteroscopies, 2 cytoscopies, 2 stents, 1 Nuclear Medicine Renal Scan, 1 MRI, more appointments, more blood work, so many messages, so many consults and NOTHING. NO Progress, no answers, no help.

So here I sit. Defeated. Discouraged. Ready to give up. Ready to run and hide, ready to just give in.

How much am I supposed to take? I have tried being patient and understanding. I just can't anymore. I am depressed and miserable. I want my life back. I want to be able to function. I want to be able to move with out pain (or even sit or lay down! without pain.) My kids need a mom who can play with them.

I want to have this fixed. Why is it taking so long??

Please excuse the following language- it is not nice.

I have had enough. Fucking-enough already.

This week alone we have had my kidney issues, Pixie in the hospital, a friend's baby dying, and countless other things have happened to people I know- so much loss so much sadness, so much so much- too much.

The passing of the baby has touched me in a way that I did not expect. It has touched me in a way I did not know could happen. I find myself thinking of them constantly. "My eyes leaking tears when I think I am done crying" to quote J, but still true. I look at my children as the blessings they are. I am reminded of their miraculous existence.

As a mother- I can empathize with the smallest smallest sliver of pain that she is experiencing. Obviously, my grief for them is nothing compared to what the parents are enduring, if I am this sad for them- the anguish that they are experiencing I can only imagine to be excruciating.

What to do. What to do for them to tell them that I am thinking of them; that their little perfect boy, has touched so many people. That so many are praying for them to ease their pain, to help them find comfort in the love and prayers of the thousands who are praying for them.

I do not know if this woman reads this blog. But if she does, I hope she understands that my thoughts and prayers are with her.

Please readers- pray for this family. Please, please pray for them.

A lot to say

I have a lot to say today...

But I want to start out with the feelings of thankfulness and gratitude that I am experiencing now.

Now. On to business.

My mother in law did something incredibly nice for me last weekend and I have not stopped thinking about it, she is helping me again this weekend and she offered to take a day off work to watch the kids on Friday when Pixie was in the hospital. Granted someone else ticked me off but- her offering to take a day to take care of my kids really touched me.

If you know the history here- pick your jaws up off of the ground now. We have not always gotten along- FAR from it- but over the years I have grown to see that her way of expressing caring is not the same as mine but- she loves my kids with every bit of her.

That is a gift. When my children are with her I know they are loved and cherished and spoiled rotten- like any grandparent should do.

So yah- over time- she has become more than B's mother. She has become part of my family.

(no I am not drunk. no, I have not taken any pain pills- just certain events lately have reminded me like a brick to the head how blessed I truly am)


I swear I am not drunk

Short

Sitting in the hospital and realizing how awful daytime TV is. I am also thinking about a topic on the Dr. Phil Show.

They are discussing about being short as a parents worst nightmare and about discrimination that go with short stature.

I was baffled by this. Short as a "worst nightmare"? really? if that is your worst nightmare then well be thankful. Be very very thankful. I make jokes about it..."I am TSA approved" or "Travel sized for convenience".

I am short. It can be annoying- but it is not a nightmare it just is. I was always the shortest in class and I was not teased anymore than anyone else, as I can recall (but my memory is admittedly sketchy at best).

My kids are very much gifts. Events have helped me see that. They are short too- I can think of about a hundred other nightmares that are way worse than being short.
The show discussed how a kid could not play sports because of his height. I don't buy it. If there is no other complicating factors, why not? I am athletic and short. Why do you have to be tall to play? The kid's mother was saying that about her child. That made me sad for the child more than anything. Mothers should not be ones to limit their children- especially over arbitrary things- telling them not to run in the road is one thing but I can't see telling my children that they are too short to play a sport. Mothers should nurture their children's authentic selves and help them grow and develop a strong sense of self and self worth- not undermine it by telling them they are too short.

Being short has not made me feel discriminated against- no more than being blond and blue eyed has made me feel discriminated against. I have people think I am younger than I am- I can deal with that. I get carded buying drinks- I can deal with that. In my mind that is not discrimination.

Good things come in short packages.

Reeling

I am still reeling from the loss yesterday.

How can a sweet baby die? How could that happen?

How can there be words of comfort for her family? How can I help bring healing and peace? How will that come for them? What can be done to help them? Words do not seem to be enough?

I am so grateful that I have my babies.

don't know what to say.

a) I am sorry for not writing much... busy does not seem to do it justice
b) I am tired
c) I am so incredibly angry and sad and mixed up and well a lot

I am writing this from the Pediatric floor of the local hospital. Pixie was admitted today with a very high fever and acting lethargic and just not herself. I am scared for her and worried about her.

I can't explain to her why they are hurting her all she does is look at me with her huge eyes with sadness and confusion

She had a really high fever the other day and Tylenol was not terribly effective and she was listless and unhappy. She needed to be on me constantly. Then there were the storms there were some fun storms that no one could sleep through. Two nights with no sleep. Lots of pain, bleeding, sick kid, water in the basement. Whole lot of not fun.

But here we are. Pixie is feeling better being loved on and snuggled. She is trying to pick her pulse ox off her toe and being stinkin' cute.

That is the the good news.

Then I found out about an absolute tragedy. A couple I know who had worked for and loved their new baby to the ends of the earth, lost their little one today. A few days after her due date. I am crushed for them. Broken for them. I cannot imagine their feelings.

It puts what I have been going through into perspective. It makes me thankful that I can sit her and make faces at my baby. It makes my kidney seem insignificant and nothing.

I am so so sorry for them for what they have to go through. If I could help them in anyway I would be happy to take a little of their load.

How are words supposed to convey anything close to what I am feeling for these people? How much more can be handed out? None of it is fair.

Winner!

for the massage: Nina!!