Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Today is a beautiful day in the Chicago suburbs. The sun is shinning, the sky is absurdly blue, the air is crisp. As beautiful as it is, it is a sad day. Today is dedicated to remembering the lives of babies that were taken to soon.

I remember my almost babies, knowing that though they were never born, they will always be loved.

I remember my friends losses, miscarriages, stillbirths, and the loss of an infant. All heartbreaking. All tragic.

Nothing can change the losses, all that can be done is to remember the families and the babies. To remind everyone that love is surrounding.

To my friends who have lost, I am deeply sorry. Losing a baby is not something a parent should ever know. You are loved. Your babies are loved.
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I am aware of the losses. I do not need a special day to remind me. The losses don't just go away on October 16th.

No tears here

I can't cry. I feel things- but I can't cry.

In fact, I am jealous of people who can just let it all out in a good cry. I can't. My eyes may get wet, but that step into actual tears I just can't make. I wish I could.

People have told me that I must have a heart of stone for not being able to cry (gee thanks). After discussing it with a lot of people, I have come to the con conclusion that it has to be some sort of defense mechanism. I will not let people see me like that. I will not let people see me vulnerable. I will not let people hurt me.

Honestly, I do not let anyone get close to me. I have been hurt too much and just cannot seem to let down my guard for anyone.

I do not want my children to feel like this. I want them to cry and feel joy freely. But (a big but) I am afraid to change my own way of dealing with things to let myself be vulnerable.

Why I made my choice

I have gotten a few questions (heck- some people even advised me to terminate) this time through my pregnancy asking why I did not chose to terminate it, especially after beginning bad morning sickness.

It was not a secret that our family, though full of love and joy, is full. It was not a secret that pregnancy is hard for me physically and emotionally. Or that pregnancy is rife with risks for me- so given all of that, why am I choosing to stay pregnant?

Disclaimer- these are my thoughts and opinions as they pertain to me, my body, and my children. I do not intend to judge anyone- that's not how I roll.

Our family may be big. and loud. But we are full of love. I can not imagine my life without my any one of the kids. Simply put- there is always room for one more.

Each of my children have given me some amazing gifts. With out those- I would not be who I am. I may not even be alive.

The risks for me can be and are being medically managed. I have utmost confidence in my medical team.

While the life inside me- can't survive without me, he or she is special and loved. As he or she grows I love feeling he or she wriggle and move. To me- this life- is sacred.

An aside to Bean's mom- I am not referencing you above- you provided me with love and courage to look completely at all options available- thank you for that.

Hyperemisis

I have not been writing a lot because I have been too busy feeling like crap.

This pregnancy has been particularly demanding and very difficult. I have been diagnosed with Hyperemisis Gravidarum which is morning sickness on steroids.

It is awful. Constant nausea. Frequent vomiting. Fatigue. Dehydration.

Some people have compared dealing with HG as similar to how a chemo patient feels, without the hair loss.

It sucks because I am not the mom that I should be. I can't take my kids outside as much. Running and playing with them is out.

My family has had to make do with whatever food I can stand the thought of or smell of. It is very hard because there is no way to describe the feeling. So many people do not understand the relentless nausea and sickness. Some even say it is in my head.

My doctor has prescribed a few medications. Sometimes they can take the edge off. Often they do not. Often I can't keep the medication down. Frustrating.

Hyperemisis typically improves as a pregnancy progresses but it does generally last longer than typical morning sickness.

This is my last my pregnancy. I am trying desperately to enjoy it, but good heavens, I am struggling.

New mom tattoo

New moms are likely to get their baby's name or foot print tattooed on them. I think though that they should get the poison control number tattooed on them instead.

I had to call poison control today for only the second time in 7.5 years, which is not that bad of an average, in my opinion.

As the poison control number is not a simple three digit ditty like 911, it should be tattooed on every parent, or have the walls wall-papered with it. Something noticeable.

Because someone took my magnet off the fridge with the number on it, I was momentarily frozen. This is where my memory for numbers came in handy. I remembered it. (The number in case you should need it is 800-222-1222)

Thankfully, the incident was minor. Everyone will be fine. But I am writing the number all over my darn house.

I love my special dog

Our golden doodle is a sweet boy, smart he is not.

Aside from the fact he has been skunked three times in his short life, he gets lost. In our house. Which would not be so bad, but the house is small.

White Fang- the husky, is clever, where Doodle is... well a doodle.

He get so excited to see who ever is walking in the door he literally quivers with excitement. However, he barks ferociously whenever people he knows come over.

The other night a pillow fell on the floor, and he got up, walked over to it and squeezed his 80lb body on one small pillow. It was a feat of canine contortion.

Doodle does not seem to be aware of the rest of his body and thinks he is a floating head. He is surprised when his back half falls down the stairs, or runs into something.

Oh well. We love him anyway.

Style me please!

I cannot decorate a room or a cake to save my life, putting together an outfit with accessories is as foreign to me as Latin.

Moms with style are a particular group that I am envious of. There is a mom in my neighborhood who walks her son to school every morning and she looks fantastic- totally put together. And here I am excited that my shoes match!

Trendy mommy clothes are apparently sold in stores that I do not shop in. I admit, I am not the easiest person to dress, I am short, and petite, but now I am pregnant. At that awful stage when I just look chubby, not pregnant.

But, I am going to approach this now like I approach almost everything. Research research, and a little more research. Maybe, if I think of it like a skill that I need to hone I will be more successful than if I just concede that it is not a natural talent