sadness

***I started this post last night but due to circumstances was unable to finish it***

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I have never known the pain of losing an infant. I have known and still know the pain of miscarrying. Even though the babies were alive in me for a short short time I loved them... I had started thinking about life with them...even when I was sure I was not ready for another baby...automatically I started to love them. Maybe a way of teaching me that even if I am sure 'I' am not ready..I can be ready.. as evidenced by the emptiness in my heart and the sadness that I still feel. I miss the babies I have lost. I wish I could have held them to tell them that I loved them.

I wish I understood why they were taken. I hate to admit it but I am angry. Why give them to me to take them away?? Am I not a good enough mother? Did G-d change his mind and decide 'wait nope you are not ready'? Is it away of reminding me that as much as my type 'A' self would like to control everything I can't?

Logically I can look at it and say: 'early losses are likely caused by a chromosomal abnormality or some other issue with the embryo that is incompatible with life' great. but my heart does not believe it.

So tonight I will light candles to remember the lives of my and my friends babies who's lives were extinguished all too soon