Perfect Imperfection

Single Dad Laughing recently posted a post about perceived perfection and the problems with it.
He encouraged us to be real- that being perfect is a) not possible b) over-rated c) the quest of it is ruling so many lives.

As a woman, as a mother, more over as a person; I will here, freely admit I am not perfect. Though I try to be. So so so hard. I try and be perfect so that others will not see the flawed person that I am and judge me for it- as I judge myself.

The pressure for perfection never lets up. I try and try and try... and at some point the pressure to be perfect is to much and I give up. Giving up takes many different forms. Some times it is snapping at people, self sabotage, crying, total withdrawal--- any of these can signal that I have succumbed to the pressure of seeming perfect.

So what gives... why do I freak out so much about being or seeming perfect?? Fear. I am a coward about what would happen if I for a moment let myself seem one iota less than perfect. So many of those around me seem perfect all the time. I spent and still do spend a large portion of my life seeing others as 'perfect'; my mother who keeps everything organized and neat, my brilliant sister, my friends who have it all together. I don't have it all together. My 'all' is still scattered in the wind.

So I am not perfect. I sorely want to be. I try and I fail and then the cycle starts again. 'My best' will never be good enough. Myself will never be enough. I will never be pretty enough, thin enough, a good enough mother, a good enough friend, a good enough anything.. you know what?? What I am beginning to understand is that I am not the only one to feel this way. I am not the only one.

So what. Be real. Seems so simple. But what if in being 'perfect' you forgot how to be real. I am having to re-learn how to be real. Because being perfect took so much of myself and my life and I am out to reclaim it.

So here I will put a confession that may make you think less of me- it certainly makes me think less of myself:

A woman who in the past has been truly hateful to me and to several people I know is struggling with several things that are admittedly difficult to face and deal with. I have no sympathy for her. A large part of me thinks "there, serves you right for being such a wench". It is not how I want to feel. I want to be able to extend compassion to her in her time of need. I wish I could feel the genuine sympathy and compassion that I know I should. Right now though, I am not there yet. One day. Maybe one day, I'll be there.

So go be real- or learn what and who you are and be them imperfections and all. I won't judge you for it.

***typically I am anti cross posting but this one I thought could be an exception to the rule***

When you let a baby feed herself

These are the results


But, she had a great time. I am still not entirely sure how much food made it IN her not ON her but at least she was happy.

I have always had babies who prefer to feed themselves. Pixie is no different. She prefers to feed herself- she will bob and weave to avoid a spoon if ANYONE else is holding it. When left to her own devices she will eat anything on her tray. So she usually feeds herself and then takes a bath.

Pictures..

the digital age is great- I can take thousands of photos and only print the ones I like. For a photographer like me who takes more less than great pictures than printable ones this is an advantage. However, the disadvantage is I have to take them off of the camera- much like remembering to get film developed- I forget to take the photos of my camera for months at a time.

As an aside: how odd is it my kids will not live in a world where you take your film to be processed? They will not know what a negative is?

RSV

Are three letters that preemie parents live in fear of. From mid September until May every sniffle that enters our home I am wary of.

RSV in an older healthy child or an adult is a nasty cold. In a baby especially preemies RSV is much much more serious sometimes even fatal.

Last week Princess got a cold. I assume she picked up from ballet or from friends. Stinky got it, Peas got it, now Pixie has it.

She can't understand why she doesn't feel good. You can her her chest rattle when she breaths and the croupy cough that shakes her. Pixie gets offended whenever I wipe her nose and fusses in protest- unfortunately it is necessary to wipe, and wipe and wipe.

Right now I'd do just about anything to cheer her up to make her smile. It is so sad to see her not feeling good and wanting nothing more than to snuggle to get some small comfort from mama's snuggles.

But because of her preemie status I still am watching her carefully making sure that this cold does not turn fast into something bigger.

Twitter

guess what??

I twitter now!

Follow me--- please???

lest I feel like an idiot with no followers.... I'll follow you back too!

It stayed with me

A bit ago I took the kids to Bristol Renaissance Faire. Of course they loved it.

I let the kids get their faces/arms painted again and the lady doing the painting said that I was the kind of mother who got a lot of joy from being a mother.

At first I was like, "say wha????"

Then it sunk in and I thought about it. Sure my kids can push buttons that I did not even know where there, until I begin to feel like just one big button- but they do give me a lot of joy when I am not wanting to scream.

This comment meant a lot to me as it was entirely spontaneous and it was made after observing me interacting with my kids. So it was particularly meaningful.

So thank you lady at Renaissance Faire for making me feel good about myself and my mothering skillz.

Soccer Mom

I am officially a soccer mom.

Stinky had his first soccer practice. He loved it. They got to do a few drills and kick the ball around and get to know each other. When the kids got the ball each had to say something about themselves. Stinky said, of course that he liked trains, no shocker there. What was surprising is how many children said they liked TV.

So now I am a pole dancing soccer mom.

Well, that was effective.

I had surgery nearly three weeks ago. It was not the surgery that I wanted or that I thought would be the best option but what do I know? I am a mere mortal compared to the deity of a doctor (not all docs just this specific one).

Take the stones out: that was the operative. We did. But no one fixed the issue that was causing the stones. So they are likely to happen again, therefore I am in the same amount of pain now than I was before the surgery- excepting obstructions.

Then at a visit with the doctor he said that he thought we now need to do the surgery which I wanted to do in the first place. Kinda frustrating, huh?

In the end I feel vindicated that I was right. Frustrated that I have to go through another surgery and frankly- angry.

Movement

Peas is a spirited girl. With a big personality in a little body. She is also very creative and musical. She dances to anything and makes up little songs constantly.

So I signed her up for Creative Movement at the Park District.

20 little girls in leotards, flowy skirts, and ballet slippers were apprehensive at first. Most of them had not had a class where their mother's or care givers leave them with the teacher.

Peas slowly, with trepidation walked on to the dance floor and got into a circle. Moments later the music started and any trace of uncertainty was gone. She was fliting around immersed in the music.

For the first class I watched from outside the door- the mirrors provided a pretty clear view of the entire room and it was wonderful to see all of the little dancers dancing like there was not a care in the world.

When class was over- I practically had to peel Peas off of the dance floor. She is so at home there.

giveaway!

So I posted yesterday about how much I love my new mother's necklace. I am thrilled to be able to offer you a give away of a mother's necklace from a very talented artist on Etsy. Since everyone has different tastes, the winner can choose her necklace or work with the artist to achieve exactly what is wanted- the catch? The value is up to $35.


LeksiDesigns is the shop I am working with for this contest. Take a look at her shop! She has some incredible items.

Enter by leaving me a comment, follow me (and tell me you are/did, in another comment), post this to your facebook/twitter and tell you did in another comment, or 'Like' Making it Fun on Face book

The details:

On September 30, 2010 at 11:59 central time, I will use random.org to choose a winner from comments. Then the I will email the winner get her in touch with LeksiDesigns.

Please have an email attached to your profile or include it in a comment so I can contact you. The winner will have 5 calender days to respond before a new winner will be drawn!

Good Luck!!

Mothers Necklace

I have been wanting one of these for a really really long time. I am really picky, though and I have a lot of children so fitting all of their names on it is somewhat difficult.

To this end I found an Etsy seller who would work with me on designing one that I would like and that would accommodate the kids names.

It arrived yesterday. I LOVE it. LOVE it.


So be on the look out for a giveaway of a Mother's Necklace.....

Stay tuned!

Nails on a chalkboard

Is that not one of the most intolerable sounds in the world?

Another one? Kids grinding their teeth. It makes my skin crawl. Why, WHY? Are they stressed? Do I need to introduce daily relaxation?

Pixie does it with her newly erupted front teeth. I am afraid she is going to wear them down to little nubs. Peas does it with her molars. Princess and Stinky did it as well although for the most part that particular phase seems to have passed- thank heavens.

Talking to a baby and telling her that grinding her teeth is not a particularly attractive habit is not particularly fruitful but the sound....ackkkk sends shivers up my spine.

Nine years

A day of reflection and remembering.

Can it really be nine years ago? How could such a time have passed?

Nine years ago, is so long but it seems like a blink of an eye.

Like previous generations recall JKF or Pearl Harbor- this generation remembers where we were when we heard about the events of September 11, 2001. School, work, home- ask nearly anyone and they can tell so many details that it is shocking- smells, weather, clothes.... all of it.

September 11 strikes close to home for me. Not because I knew anyone or was personally impacted. But as the spouse of a fireman my other half could be at some point called to make that kind of sacrifice. That terrifies me. It also makes me very proud.

When I married a fireman- I knew what I was getting into in some respects. Holidays without him, handling interesting emergencies single handed, making sure we all get through it, are part of the job as the spouse of a fireman. Also in there is the knowledge that there is the chance that he may not come home the next day or be hurt. This is not a thing I thought about all the in fact I usually tried and avoid it. But today, the sacrifice is undeniable. It must be acknowledged and dealt with.

To anyone touched by this- my prayers are with you. To the families and loved ones of the 343 brave souls who acted with immeasurable courage; who sacrificed their lives for the lives of others: thank you. It is not close to enough. Nothing will be. But nonetheless, thank you.

Give Blood

I meant to post this a while ago... but well... ummm ya know.


Please give blood. Please.

I received a transfusion when I was a baby due to Rh incompatibility with my mother and it saved me. More recently, like last week, I received 2 units of blood after my hemoglobin level dropped to a pathetic 6.

If I could give blood I would. However, they want you to be 115 lbs to donate and I am not that heavy so I can't. Therefore, I am asking anyone who reads this, who is eligible, to donate blood. It is free, it is fast, and they give you cookies.

You just may save a life.

Medicated

One of the downsides to this surgery is I had to go off of my antidepressants as when combined with the pain meds I have been on- the cause seizures. Soooooo....I was reminded yet again why my antidepressants are very important to my life and my family. Not to put too fine a point on it- but I lost my freaking mind- I become a screamy-yelly fussy brat.

So now that I have restarted my medication- I realized I may- just maybe over-react just an itsy bitsy bit when not medicated.

Love.

This week/month/season has been challenging.

It has tested my strength and my patience and taught me some very very important lessons. The biggest being: I am loved.

It may seem like a basic thing but for me it is not. I spent a long time convinced, utterly convinced that my parents did not love me, that I was a pariah, that no one cared.

That is a deep dark hole. One that is hard to escape from.

Maybe that was the point of all of this. Maybe I needed this 'wake up' to see that I am loved and cared for. Because, I have never felt so loved and so supported and so comforted as I do now- no it is not the pain medication.

I have had friends go out of their way to help me. Friends of friends bring meals so I wouldn't have to cook, my mother cared for my kids, my mother in law cared for my kids. My friends drove an hour to make sure I was fed and then helped with the dogs. I feel so so very loved and warm and fuzzy (maybe pain meds). So many people have stepped up to carry the jobs I do. E, J, N, B, H, Mom, M, so so so many more have paused their lives to help me get through this. I am honored to have them as friends and family.

This has made me supremely thankful and grateful. I will be there for anyone when they need it- not because I 'owe' it; but because knowing that I was cared for helped me feel better in a way that no drug can.

So thank you friends. Thank you family. I love and appreciate all of you.

Recovery.

I had mistakenly thought that this recovery would be like the recovery from having my appendix out. I was wrong. It is hell. Moving is hell. Twisting, bending, reaching, any movement, makes me wince in pain.

The poor kids. They do not understand, they do not understand that when you touch my back the waves of pain are beyond comprehension.

As far as they know everything they are used to has changed. I cannot play with them, they cannot climb ob me... it is asking them to shift everything they know in an instant and that is not fair.

How can I expect them to accept such a change so easily. But it is so so frustrating because I want to heal and I want to rest but I can't explain that I need time to heal and to rest.

Maybe they'll get it. Maybe.

Aaaaand We're back

I have not dropped off the the face of the earth. I had surgery.

If you have been reading for the past few months you no doubt know that I have have had the added fun of kidney stones, obstructions, several ER visits, even more procedures.

My local hospital could not handle my case as it was complicated with my clotting disorder, and an apparent UPJ obstruction. So I was sent to University of Chicago to the king of kidney stones.

My sister and I met the doctor and I was scheduled for surgery four days later, a PCNL was scheduled.

Monday I had the surgery. Today is Wednesday- I am really not sure of what happened in between then and now- but from what I have been told- that is a good thing.

What I can say is right now I am damn miserable. I am in a lot of pain. Moving is hard sitting still is hard.

My throat is sore from having been intubated, my back hurts from surgery, I just want to sleep.