There are somethings that you really should pay people to do.

One of those things is a Brazilian wax.  They get pricey fast. So I decided to give it a DIY try.  Bad idea. Very bad idea.

There was a moment when I had a clump of wax attached to hair and I thought I would have to live with this wax attached to me or go to a wax salon with a 'wax emergency'.  Thankfully, I was able to suck it up and rip out the hair and roots and some skin (who needs skin?).

Once you start--- you are kind of committed- it would be hard to proclaim a new style trend.

I was torn--- do I finish up? Or make a lady part fashion statement?

This is not a good DIY project.  It is definitely worth paying someone to do this job. I already booked my appointment for next time.

I think I figured it out....

The entire DCFS thing really has thrown me off balance as a mom and person.  I am angry.  Betrayed. Sad.

My sister and my friends were offended and offended for me. I found this comforting.  Like I wasn't nuts for feeling so upset. It was validating.  Typically, I have a really hard time judging my reactions to make sure they are appropriate, if I am more hurt than is reasonable etc.  This validation was very useful to me.

I had to figure out why I am still upset over this- why I still have to resist the urge to yell at my neighbor and question what on earth she was thinking, how could she even think that of me and my family.  I am not perfect. I am a flawed person and flawed mother.  I am human.  But, I think I am a good mother.  I love my children more than I can explain.  I am proud of the way I have chosen to parent them.  I am proud of the way they are growing. I am proud of us. The DCFS thing was cutting because it was essentially saying I am not a good parent.  It has not been easy for us for the past few years.  I have had health struggles, we have a lot of kids.  But I'll be damned if my children are not at the forefront of my mind with every choice I make. 

Marion Amber pole practice

This last session in pole was hard!! I was not there very often but still managed to learn a few great new tricks!

We also got a new instructor.  I adore my old instructor, M. I count her as one of my dear friends, and she is crazy awesome.  Our new instructor has a different way of explaining things, and while I still feel painfully awkward around her, I think this can be a great journey.  K is amazing and I can't wait to learn from her.

I have a solid cartwheel, a solid twisted grip lift, and last night I got my first ever aerial shoulder mount and my first ever Marion Amber.

Its odd, I had never really tried the Marion Amber before at the studio. I just decided to go for it, it looked challenging and fun so I figured I'd give it a go.  I did and I got it. This 'getting' it has not happened for a while.  I have had to work on and troubleshoot trick after trick for a while, which is a great lesson in perseverance.

That said, I will not be throwing a Marion Amber or an aerial shoulder mount into my freestyle anytime soon, I still need to work them and get super comfortable with them.  But I can do them and that feels awesome.

Pole Patience

Pole is a challenging activity at times.  It is intensely frustrating at times, but so so rewarding.

I have been frustrated when I am having a rough day when I can't stick to the pole.

The other day was one of those days.  Of course it had to be with others in the room, I couldn't just deal with my frustration privately.

Instead I had to deal with it in front of others- it was embarrassing.  I hate to admit it but it was.  I used it as a lesson.

In the end I was to slippy because of my mistake- I had a pedicure before I went poling and the lotion on my legs made sticking impossible.  This is a rookie mistake, one I had never made before.  I'm sure that nearly everyone makes this mistake at least once, it was just my turn.

Oh well, there is always another day. 

DCFS: Unfounded

We received our letter today from DCFS. It states that the allegation of child neglect is unfounded.

I have been vocal about this on Facebook because of the absurdity of it all.  The individual who called it in admitted it-- we knew who it was, it was just the admission that was like an extra sucker punch.

What she said to me via text was such remarkable crap that I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry or scream.

Apparently, earlier in the year, when she called 911 when I got sick- my house was a mess.  I'll admit it.  Have you ever tried recovering from surgery and complications and 5 kids- add on 2 dogs and keeping the house? Yes my house was a mess. It was not dangerous though. There were no (and are no bugs) there were no rodents (and are no rodents). There is clutter.

She said that another neighbor was concerned over the care our kids had been receiving.  There was an instance 2 years ago when Pixie got out of the house when I was going to the bathroom- we changed the door latch so she couldn't open it- that same summer 2 years ago husband was in the garage getting something and Pixie toddled off into the road, he caught hell for it and felt awful.

Ok. Fine. So then talk to us. Offer to help. Express concern. If I know a friend or a neighbor is having a hard time I offer to help.  Not judge not gossip. Bad things come of that.  If all of this gossip is happening discuss it with the people being gossiped about- really assuming makes an ass out of everyone.  In fact she had done just the opposite.  She was very stern with my husband about not wanting to help us with childcare anymore- how does that express concern for the children's welfare?

She said it was a shame that I was angry and not willing to talk with her about this- a shame for the kids. Yep. It is a shame. A real shame that she, and adult, would take the words of a 5 year old with apraxia of speech, interpreted to her via a 6 year old child, spoken through a window with out double checking the facts. She showed incredibly poor judgement.

No, I will not forgive her yet. Someday but right now? I am not ready to.  What she did to my children, what she put them through, what she put me through- at the moment makes me so angry I want to scream. My oldest, Princess, was up most of the night worrying over this and is finally now able to sleep again.  

Hi, there, excuse me--- did you call DCFS on us? and other conversation starters

It has been well documented that my kidney and I do not get on well- like at all. 

This past weekend I was back in the hospital because it was blocked up and infected.  Husband was of course working, where else would he be? (Seriously it seems like every time I have a crisis he is at work and just can't get away--- of course it doesn't help that he works an average of 100 hours a week)

I asked around and my sister was able to drive out from Chicago with her kids to watch mine- you know what would have happened if I couldn't find someone to watch them? I would have stayed home or brought them with me because leaving 5 kids home alone is a shitty idea.

When my sister and her kids got here- I had made dinner and written out some basics for her to deal with the kids.

The next day when husband got home she left.  Brian was at home with the kids doing support calls (working) in the basement. He had told the kids that they may not go out and play and they could not open the door etc because he was working.

A neighbor kid came over and talked to one of my kids through the window- my child said they could open the door or answer go out because mommy was in the hospital and daddy was working. 

Shortly after this a police officer showed up at the door and asked to see my husband- who was working downstairs.  He came up and said that they had received a call from DCFS reporting a tip that our children were home alone (WTF)!!! My husband called me fuming.

When I was discharged from the hospital I received a call on my cell from a DCFS case worker to arrange a visit.

The DCFS lady came the next day and talked with my kids and cleared everything up.  I am so unbelievably mad.  I know who did this.  But I am struggling on confronting her- how do I start that conversation?

I understand why she was concerned but to not to verify what actually happened or was happening?? That is a shitty thing to do. 

The entire thing makes me so terribly mad. My kids were horrified and scared- Peas cried nearly all night blaming herself. My anxiety went from bad to unbearable.

I have signed out of the hospital against medical advice to be home when we did not have a sitter, my husband had used ALL of his sick time to care for the kids when I was sick.

Instead of being kind and helpful she was mean and spiteful, if she was that concerned about the safety of the kids why did she not verify it? Why did she not offer to help? What she did helps no one, and makes things much more stressful.

5 things that the survivors regret

You know that article about the 5 things that dying people regret?  The survivors  in relationships have regrets too, or at least I do.  I do not have the experience nor education to speak for all people who have lost someone, but I can give my experience.

1- People die, its a part of life, right?  Yes, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, that there won't be an empty feeling.  Sometimes the empty feeling is so encompassing, its contradictory to itself, others its more of a shadow, quietly following.

2- I regret not making time.  I was not as good of a granddaughter as  my grandmother deserved.  I did not make enough time for her, I begged off because I had needy kids.  Time is short.  Time is precious.  Before she moved, I'd call her sometimes and after she sorted out who I was, we'd have a great chat.  We'd talk about all sorts of things, from feed sack dresses to what the kids were up too.  She loved my kids so very much, she was crazy about them all.

3- I regret not making more memories.  Going through her belongings, felt wrong.  But she had so many memories.  Photos from so many people back before she was born, stories of their lives, a rich history that cannot be lost- but I am terrified will be.  I am sad that I did not sit down and pick her brain and record every last word out of her mouth. 

4- I regret not being more careful with the memories I do have of her.  I am clumsy. Forgetful. More than a little scatterbrained.  The photos and memories I have of her I feel like should be put somewhere safe- to be treasured- to be come back upon when I need her- instead, an old note that she wrote got shoved on a bookcase and maybe just maybe was colored on.

5- I regret not going earlier to get her chocolate.  Chocolate was her favorite dessert and I took my time about getting it.  I figured there would be a week or more to hold her hand, to see her, to talk to her. How could even in her condition could provide comfort to me and to others just by being there I will never know.  But she did.

I have a ton of regrets. That is for sure.  But maybe I am not alone.  

Anxiety in my head

Do you have anxiety?  I do.

Living with anxiety is like living in a pressure cooker.  My thoughts race so fast that I can't put words to them or slow them down long enough to even breath.  My heart races, breathing quickens, and muscles tense- and that is an average day- being engulfed in a sense of terror for no reason feeling like I could lose my mind and jump out of my skin. 

When I found my current doctor, I was suffering from this pretty acutely.  Thankfully, this was an easy one for him to pin down and immediately started me on meds to help calm my mind.  I do not advocate going on medications for every little thing, but there are times when they are necessary.  Sometimes it is a short term thing sometimes it is a long term one, which ever it is- its ok.

People should not feel stigmatized because they are sick.  Whether the sick is a brain thing or a kidney thing or whatever.  It is no ones fault.  Sick is just sick- and sick people need care- not judgement. So I will be very open about my experiences- maybe so others will not feel stigmatized or alone.

When I started the meds and they started working, it was like my head was quieter.  My brain and thoughts slowed to what must be a normal speed. It was amazing to feel that.  Is this what normal people feel like all the time?  I could sit still, I didn't twitch.  I could sleep.  It was like someone stopped pressing fast forward in my head.

Now, especially during stressful times I have break through anxiety and I need to tweak my meds and work on meditation a bit more but now more than ever I don't feel a fight or flight response when the doorbell rings.

Pole is my home

No mater what things are happening that are stressing me out- I can walk into the studio and feel a weight lift from my shoulders.

My grandma died and I was stressed.  In a crappy mood, I considered not going to class because I was in such and awful mood.  That would have been the worst decision ever.  I got there and was able to forget for a bit. My anxiety calmed. My eye stopped twitching. 

It was amazing to feel the freedom and channel my nervous energy into something.  Endorphins are a real thing people!

I used to get the same sense of freedom from horseback riding and running but lately I have been able to channel my feelings into dance and tricks more than ever.

After class, I walked out the studio door, sore, bruised (good bruised), and smiling. 

Forgiveness

I have no idea what got me thinking about this but the other day I found myself driving to Target thinking of the importance of forgiveness. 

So whatever brought the thinking on is immaterial.

I have been blessed enough to have been forgiven for a multitude of things.  Some of them I am too embarrassed and ashamed to even think about for more than a minute.  Suffice it to say- I have been fortunate, blessed, lucky whatever.

Because I have been shown such kind forgiveness, I have been able to learn to forgive others for their mistakes, some of these have been major things, some minor.  To be honest, there are somethings that I am struggling forgiving individuals for.

Either way, forgiveness isn't something we are entitled too, it isn't something we deserve, it is a gift of mercy.

What exactly is the point?  We never know what is going on in someones heart, head, or life, maybe they are fighting some invisible battle that we may never know, or struggling with something.  Either way, choosing to forgive others may help them to forgive someone else. 

Confessions from a pole class

I had another class with and awesome instructor.

We worked on these tricks

and I got them.  First time. Which means I was able to do the dove on the pole and felt super secure.  So AWESOME.

Pole dancing is the unique time that I can go to the studio in a crabby bitchy mood and be able to walk in and feel the weight of the world and all of the things that I am juggling mysteriously disappear.

I also was able to get the superman fall.

The frustrating thing.  Is my wrist was really bugging me on my cartwheels.  Well you can't have everything.  Pole dancing is really a challenging sport.  Give it a try!