I hate food.

I hate food. Hate it. I am also anorexic. Have been since I was 9. I can't say that I was anorexic, because still to this day I freak out a little when I have to eat. I cannot sit down at the table and just have lunch. I start thinking about lunch and worrying about it as soon as I wake up. I was told when in treatment that the eating disorder never goes away. It is an addiction like drinking etc...the difference being that someone with an eating disorder will always have to coexist with food. It is hard. Some days are good days and I eat and some days are not and I 'forget'.

9 years ago I was in an intensive treatment program far away from home that probably saved my life. But left me with quite a few new issues. I still have dreams about being there, particularly when I am frightened or feeling out of control, which lately is always. It is always the same dream or a variation of it. I am there, I want to leave but they will not let me. A trapped feeling. I never never once dreamed of leaving that place, only going.

How I got there was kind of traumatic. I had no idea I was going. At 3:00 am Jan 13, 1999 my parents woke me with two 'escorts'. They had signed custody over of me to these people who were taking me to Utah. On the way I heard horrific stories of how other kids were 'kidnapped' occasionally drugged and taken to treatment centers, sometimes internationally, where there are lax child abuse laws. When in treatment I heard from the kids about them being taken away and some of what they endured. Consequently I have to know what is happening and when. I get panicked if things are unexpected...and I do not deal well with change. I took with me a book "Pride and Prejudice", my violin, and Tasha, my teddy bear.

One huge fear I have is passing this on to Peas and Princess. I try to never comment on weight, body shape, and size. I try to have reasonable expectations, I try I try I try. But it does not seem good enough. How can they be protected from what I have been through? How can they be safe?