I have written this post

Sunday, November 14, 2010

about a dozen and a times in my head.

In the mommy blogosphere the tragic death of Kate Granju's son has been big news. He died from a savage beating and drugs. Some of the less kind people have said that his addiction and ultimately his death are a result of her parenting choices.

I am writing this from a complicated place. From an addict and from a mother. My addiction was not to pills or powder but to food... and lack of food.. and starving... and control. Which can be pretty hard because you physically need food- so you need to develop some kind of symbiosis with it...but anyway...

My parents sent me away. They sent me to a place in Utah because they thought it was my last chance. Reality? I had been having issues for as long as I could remember. Literally. At this point though I was 17 and precariously perched.

Regardless- they did what they thought they needed to do. Because of their choice I am alive. I have no doubt had something not changed I would be dead. It at this point was life or death.

Point is- my issues are not a result of lack of love or caring from my parents. It was a perfect alignment of my personality, environment, etc.... it just happened...

My parents did what they could. They did they best they knew. I give them credit for that.

I cannot imagine from a mother's perspective what it is like to watch your child destroy themselves. To have all of these hopes and dreams for your child and watch them implode. To see the potential. To see everything amazing and wonderful about your child and watch them destroy it. It must be the worst possible feeling ever.

What 'saved' me was not a miraculous apparition of Jesus M.D., or a revelation in therapy, it was a series of events that I had to live through to come out the other side of. It included an abusive marriage and subsequent divorce, an unplanned pregnancy (with a man other than the abusive husband), almost losing it all, then a new marriage......etc..... losing it all.... etc....

So in my expereince- no family is immune from addiction. My parents parenting style was as different as could be from Katie's.

To Katie: you love your son. You did what you could to help him. You are an amazing mother.


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