things than make me go hmmmm

Sunday, November 28, 2010

B was not my first husband. That goes to someone else. A marriage that was no really a marriage but a really really bad decision.

There are moments that I wonder if maybe I am being very dramatic about the whole experience. Maybe it was not all that bad, maybe the 'abuse' was not really that bad.

Then like today I read something about and Order of Protection expiring and an ex-husband starting to control and abuse the woman and just acting like a jerk. My heart started to pound, my ears to ring, my neck to sweat. The fear the absolute terror is still there. Instantly, I can remember the sound of his voice and the last time he called- I can feel my knees going weak, my stomach turning, and my brain unable to think. Even now I have nightmares. So maybe it was as bad as I am remembering. Maybe I am not being all dramatic.

I feel safer now than I have in a very long time which is good- but somethings just don't leave you. Why can't I shake it?

Peas has met her match.....

Thursday, November 25, 2010

My parents got a new puppy- a chocolate lab. He is three months old now and he his a puppy puppy who loves loves to play. My parents adore him but do not play as much as he would like.

He has met his match in Peas. She has the energy of an Energizer Bunny on espresso mixed with speed and so does he. She pranced and ran for hours and he followed her. He jumped and pranced and kissed her with the gusto of a puppy... tail wagging a hundred times a minute. She squealed and giggled her contagious giggle shrieking with laughter which fed Gus's excited play.

Peas finally may have met her match in playfulness in him. She ran up to him giggled and turned around and flitted away enticing him to follow her. Gus tired before she did flopping on the floor under the table admitting exhaustion before Peas had had her fill they are a match made in play heaven.

pixie v. pie

Monday, November 22, 2010

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Anne and Janet

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Portrait of a Hermit Crab
When I was little I would pray every night for a cat or a dog- but mostly a cat. My parents would not let me have one because of my allergies and asthma so I prayed. Hard. Every night.

I would have settled for anything but fish. A hamster, a guinea pig; something to snuggle. I would kneel and implore G-d to let me have a kitty a puppy with incredible passion.

After caring for another person's pet hermit crab my mother decided that that was something we could handle. It was kept in a box, did not shed, and did not need to be walked. So I received two hermit crabs whom I baptized- literally- Anne and Janet. The lived in a Rubbermaid storage container with a latching lid in my room.

The poor crabs. As the name "hermit crab" implies they are not the most snuggle-able of creatures. They must have been traumatized when I tried to snuggle them and dress them in Barbie clothes. Even more traumatized when I built a labyrinth of blocks for them to find their way out of (they sadly failed and retreated to their shells).

One day I had my turn being traumatized by them when one of the crabs molted. It crawled out of its shell and then crawled out of its skin, before returning to its shell. It left its skin in its Rubbermaid box and when I saw it I was crushed- assuming that the crab had died.

The crabs and I did pretty well for a while until I took them on a field trip. Being the lover of education I was, I was certain they would find a trip to the back yard an enriching experience. All was well until I lost one. Crabs are not the speediest of creatures so for one to abscond was odd. I was racked with guilt. What kind of a crab care taker was I? Poor Janet (or Anne) what would she do without her companion? Surely she would die of a broken heart. I contemplated making lost crab signs and posting them around the neighborhood- thankfully someone convinced me not to do this.

Somehow I came to have another crab. Whom I named Anne or Janet- so I once again had Anne and Janet. I went through several Anne and Janet's over the years. So I had crabs as a kid- and I loved them.

upcoming surgery

Saturday, November 20, 2010

November 30 I am scheduled for surgery. Which will hopefully fix my kidney issues. I would have been more ok with it a few months ago- back when I did not have to think about it. Now that I have had time to think about it, I have had time to get nervous.

How is it going to be? Is it going to hurt a lot? Will I get a clot? What if I have a PE or a stroke... what if....what if....what if.....

How will recovery be? How will I manage the kids? How long will it be painful for?

I hate to say it but what if something really bad happens?

So I am nervous.

Good Help

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good babysitter? I do not use sitters that often but once and a while I need one. Finding one though makes finding a needle in a haystack look like a morning activity.

When I was a teenager it seemed so basic. Watch the kids.... Now as a mother it seems so freaking hard. I am consumed with the idea that I will choose wrong. I have no idea what to ask sitters.

Despite this I found 2 sitters who I love. They got my kids to eat peas- and ask for more. They cleaned up. They took them to the park! They are amazing. Because of this- I will do whatever I need to to keep these girls happy. I had no idea the power that good sitters held over parents!

These sitters are worth their weight in gold. If I could I would marry them.


Monday, November 15, 2010

Was B's birthday. Obviously- he was not here to celebrate but we still celebrated.

The kids and I went to a local paint your own pottery place and spent a small fortune on pottery. It is fun and all but really really expensive!! So we do not go as much as the kids would like- we save it for special occasions.

Then we went to 2Toots. A train restaurant- and Stinky's favorite restaurant. A model train delivers the food- which is by no stretch gourmet- it is diner fare- not healthy and in my opinion hardly edible (the kids have no complaints though)- but we don't go their for the cuisine.

Then home and bed-- not exciting.

I have written this post

Sunday, November 14, 2010

about a dozen and a times in my head.

In the mommy blogosphere the tragic death of Kate Granju's son has been big news. He died from a savage beating and drugs. Some of the less kind people have said that his addiction and ultimately his death are a result of her parenting choices.

I am writing this from a complicated place. From an addict and from a mother. My addiction was not to pills or powder but to food... and lack of food.. and starving... and control. Which can be pretty hard because you physically need food- so you need to develop some kind of symbiosis with it...but anyway...

My parents sent me away. They sent me to a place in Utah because they thought it was my last chance. Reality? I had been having issues for as long as I could remember. Literally. At this point though I was 17 and precariously perched.

Regardless- they did what they thought they needed to do. Because of their choice I am alive. I have no doubt had something not changed I would be dead. It at this point was life or death.

Point is- my issues are not a result of lack of love or caring from my parents. It was a perfect alignment of my personality, environment, etc.... it just happened...

My parents did what they could. They did they best they knew. I give them credit for that.

I cannot imagine from a mother's perspective what it is like to watch your child destroy themselves. To have all of these hopes and dreams for your child and watch them implode. To see the potential. To see everything amazing and wonderful about your child and watch them destroy it. It must be the worst possible feeling ever.

What 'saved' me was not a miraculous apparition of Jesus M.D., or a revelation in therapy, it was a series of events that I had to live through to come out the other side of. It included an abusive marriage and subsequent divorce, an unplanned pregnancy (with a man other than the abusive husband), almost losing it all, then a new marriage......etc..... losing it all.... etc....

So in my expereince- no family is immune from addiction. My parents parenting style was as different as could be from Katie's.

To Katie: you love your son. You did what you could to help him. You are an amazing mother.

Delayed Giveaway..

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I have been meaning to post this giveaway for MONTHS. Literally MONTHS about three months.

I am sorry- I just kept procrastinating.

So without further ado---

The Cream City Soap Giveaway.

I found this company at the Bristol Renaissance Faire and was really impressed with the high quality of the handmade soaps and products.

This company gave me a bar of clove soap that I am thrilled to giveaway. It smells fantastic the cloves have a really sweet spicy holiday fragrance.

To sweeten the deal- I am going to add an gift card for $20, totally not a lot but enough for a little something.

So here goes- the details:

Contest will end on November 27 at 11:59 pm central time. At which time I will use to draw a comment number. Please have an email address associated with your profile so I can contact you- or leave it in the comment! The winner has 5 business days to respond or another winner will be drawn.

How to enter:

1) comment
2) post this on your Facebook page and tell me about it in another comment
3) Like 'Making It Fun' on Facebook and tell me you did
4) Tweet this giveaway and tell me you did
5) Follow me on Twitter and tell me so
6) Follow my blog and tell me!
7) Like Cream City Soap Company on Facebook- and tell me so!

stores that need drive thrus

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Pre kids- I thought drive thru's were the pinacle of lazy. How hard is it to park, walk 20 feet, and enter a store for something?

Then I had kids. Now if an establishment has a drive thru I am exponentially more likely to visit it. Do you have any idea how much of a pain it is to get four kids into a car, buckled appropriately, drive somewhere without mutiny breaking out, find a parking spot, get everyone from the car to the store without being killed, then complete a purchase? A five minute errand can take 45 minutes, easy. Longer if we are talking about food.

In the town where I live we have to purchase stickers for our garbage cans. These stickers are not cheap- more than $3 per sticker, and each can needs one. These stickers can be purchased at Jewel or Dominicks or City Hall (among other places- there are like 6 places). Not a big deal except when you have four kids and you need to go get stickers for the next day's trash collection. Then it is a big deal.

ONE store needs to have a drive thru for this. CVS or something. Somewhere where I do not have to load, unload, etc just for stickers.


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I need someone to bribe me. I bribe my children. I'll admit it. If it makes getting something done easier- yes- I bribe them... "ok its time to go now, lets go get a cookie" is one of the more commonly heard refrains in my house. Is it bad parenting?? Eh maybe. Lazy parenting, yes, yes it is and I can deal with that.

But it WORKS. When I have four kids that I need to move from a to b sometimes the path of least resistance is the choice I'll make.

As I sat at home today, convincing myself that I really really needed to run a few errands, working up the energy to go. I realized that it would be really nice if someone bribed me to do something. "Come on- go to Trader Joe's, you can get a cookie..." then I thought, heck- If I want a cookie, I can get a darn cookie, THREE cookies even. Heck, I'll eat the whole bag if I want. But that would not get me the groceries.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a little encouragement? Just some impetus to get moving.... But cookies I do not think will cut it.

I have some pretty cool kids

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I hear some interesting comments during the day... Today however I darn near snorted Diet Coke.

We were reading "The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar" for what seems like the millionth time and Peas looked at the apples and said "Pomagrndts". Which I believe translates roughly to 'Pomegranates'. I think that it is hysterical. Peas does not talk a lot. She does not say her name, she does not say many things now but she does say "Aurora" (our Siberian Huskies name) and, now, apparently "pomegranates".

Those are not easy words to say- like ball or block. My kids make me laugh.

Fisher Price Little People

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I had them when I was little. I think my brother and sister even had them- I think they were smaller than they are now... I seem to remember them smaller... anyway.

We have them. Not a lot. But some.

In a perfect sequence of events that can only happen at my house one got flushed down the toilet- they are not flushable.

Princess had gone to the bathroom and as she was flushing in walked Pixie holding a sailor little person and tossed it into the potty at the right moment that it was flushed. It got stuck. Not stuck enough to overflow the toilet. Stuck enough to slow it down. Stuck enough that plunging was not enough. Neither was a snake-y thing. The potty is dismantled. It will be interesting.

the culprit.

blog help

I would be kidding myself if I said that I am not thrilled that people read my blog.
It is flattering- and I love it.

But I want to make my blog 'professional' looking. Maybe polished is a better word. Organized in a way that makes sense with 'feed burners' integrated, and subscriptions, twitter, rss feeds, blog rolls, etc all in a comprehensive way. I am way way over my head. I have no freaking clue what I am doing. It may as well be in Greek for as much sense as it makes to me.

I must have missed something somewhere about how to make all of it fit together.

any advice?


Saturday, November 6, 2010

a while back I posted about a woman and her husband who lost their baby boy at term.

I have not written about them a lot. But I think about them all the time. Many many times a day.

Their loss has shaken me in a way that there are no words to express. There are not words sad enough or angry enough to describe my feelings for them and I am sure that my feelings are only a fraction of what they are experiencing.

They would have been, will be, are, amazing parents. They have a wonderful son in heaven, and it is beyond any reason why they did not get to raise him. They will be amazing parents if and when they have more children. They are amazing parents, they have taught me so much about loving my children. They love their son so truly and purely. Their future children will always know of their older brother and how remarkable he is.

I can't explain how angry I am for them. Why them? Why when so many babies are taken for granted did this happen to them? They are wonderful, smart, loving people who, as much as anyone can deserve to have children. I don't understand why. I can't. I am not meant to.

My heart aches for them. When I watch my children and so so often I think of them. I think of how little any of it makes sense. When my children are being stinkers, I think of them. I remember to be thankful.

There is nothing in this world that I can do or say to comfort them or to fix this big fat mess...I wish, I wish I could make it better. Make it the way it should be.

Pixie turns one.

Friday, November 5, 2010

A whole year has lapsed since Pixie joined our family.

I have some photos to share from her party.

Ok so they posted in the wrong order but she started out so clean and cute but LOVED her cake!!

Please excuse me

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I need a moment of self pity.

The past couple of years have been challenging. I think all in all I have muddled through okay- coming out on the other side reasonably intact.

Now I am feeling beat down and bedraggled. With the Great Fracture: The Wrist, Clotting Fun, and the Kidney Crisis 2010 coupled with some private things I have a full buffet to choose from.

But it gets better. This 'cold' that turned into an ear infection, sinus infection, pneumonia, exacerbated asthma, and now pleurisy I am tired. I am so so tired. I can't keep up. I can't keep everything straight.

Is it appropriate to say 'screw it' now? Can I have an implosion and let someone else pick up the pieces for a bit? How can I keep asking my friends to help me? How can I? It is not fair to them for me to need so much. I feel like a parasite, sucking the energy out of everything.

It is not an option though. I will get up tomorrow brush my teeth, get dressed, and go about the day. And I will remember to be thankful. What I have on my plate is a lot, but it could be worse. Most of all: I am not in this alone. Never. I will with G-ds grace make it through this too and remember that what I have been given more gifts and blessings than I can ever begin to count.

Fifth Amendment Six Year Old Style

How ironic being that today is election day.... last night she was asking about what I initially thought were the basic tenets of Fifth Amendment rights against self incrimination. This line of questioning was immediately following me catching and confronting her regarding doing something that was not encouraged in our home.

"What if you are a grown up in court and they ask you if you did it, but you are really afraid?" was one of the questions. Somehow explaining the legal right to not incriminate oneself and the overall lesson of personal responsibility seemed to conflict.

I asked her what she thought a person should do. She acknowledged that telling the truth was the right choice but she also expressed compassion and understanding that admitting fault can be scary and and hard choice to make.

Princess made me proud then. I understand how scary it can be to confess something that you feel will let others down. She pointed out that the person who is strong enough to accept responsibility for their actions is truly a brave and strong individual.

She is a smart cookie.

The Gifts of Motherhood

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sleepless Nights, frustration, stretch marks, weight gain, boobs that can be the subject of "do your ___ hang low", fun times.....

But the best, by far the best is pee. When I cough, when I laugh, when I run, when do anything I pee. Now I have asthma and do the math, I have changed my underwear more times than I had to changed my two year old.

Glorious. Truly Glorious.

Depends are not only for seniors. They are also for mothers. humph.