A Big Picture

Sometimes the way G-d works in life is truly amazing.  There have simply been too many coincidences that have happened for it to be just one big game of chance.  A a wise man once said, "a coincidence is a miracle when G-d chooses to remain anonymous".

My relationship with G-d has been superficial mostly.  I pray- of course- but my prayers were inconsistent.  There are very few specific prayers I like- I love the prayer of St. Francis.

For a former Catholic School student I have read appalling little of the Bible.  I have memorized absolutely no verses.

A great friend invited me to do a Bible Study with her.  I have never really read the Bible- and that which I did read was read like any other book.  I certainly am not a good candidate for a Bible study.

Showing up at this Bible study was baffling.  There were people who were actually planning on memorizing a whole book in the Bible.  I cannot even remember my neighbors phone number.  No, I will not be memorizing the book.

I have been searching for how to bring G-d into my daily life as opposed to one hour on the Sunday.  If we are to honor G-d and serve Him- shouldn't that be kind of a regular thing?  Shouldn't that be a focus rather than an after thought?

The way that G-d has brought some amazing and brilliant people into my life at the perfect time is remarkable, and I am so very thankful for the opportunities I have been given to deepen my connection with G-d.

I am still searching form my home faith.  I am learning more about what it is at least. 

If you have a crab put it in water

Oh my goodness.  My kids these days are really teaching me about patience and helping me develop more!

I remembered a lesson I learned as a kid, "If you have a crab put it in water"  This was in reference to getting a hermit crab to stop pinching, but it works just as well for people.

When you are feeling really short tempered and cross (thanks to Grandma for reminding me of that word) take a shower or a bath.  When your kids are going to drive you up the wall- put them in the bath. 

It really works.  There is something about water that is so inherently soothing it can help relieve stress and tension.  It works for sick kids (and teethers). 

All in a days work

"can we get rid of some of these bags?" ~Almostsingle Husband
"Why do you always pick on my bags?" ~Almostsinglemom

I'll admit that I save gift bags.. hoard maybe. But they had been in the basement closet for a long time where we generally put stuff that has no other home

They were in their home (maybe taking over like an invasive species)

Somehow weeding out the bags turned into cleaning out that closet- and the crawl space

Then the dog (White Fang)got out (because the dog always gets out) she was caught thanks to the fast feet of almost single husband and my remarkable ability to get 5 kids buckled in the car with 2 dog leashes and phones and on the way in 5 minutes. 

White Fang was caught a block from home trying to kill herself crossing the road. 

Princess wept over animal rights.

Peas had a tantrum or epic (even for her) over a pickle which probably scared our neighbors.

And now it is lunch time.

Flip flops, stillettos, and climbing fences.

White Fang- our Siberian Husky has a penchant for escape.  She considers it an art form perhaps.

Whenever she is inside she is begging to go outside.  Whenever she is outside she is either attempting to escape or sunning herself

We put in a new fence, put in an electric fence and have tethered her in an attempt to keep the dog contained, with limited success.

She knows how to open the screen door and nose open the bigger door if it is slightly ajar. 

Friday night, most of my family was out to dinner. Princess was at a birthday party. 

After buckling LittleDude in his seat, I went to put the dogs in their 'house'- crate- White Fang ran for it.  Out the door and to the fence. 

I called for her unsuccessfully from the backyard, but heard her collar so I knew she was close. 

Here is where the lesson comes in.  Climbing a fence in flip-flops is not a good idea. There is limited traction and there is limited stability to be had leading to unnecessary injuries.

Thank Heavens our neighbors helped me get her back.

The show would repeat the following day while I was wearing stilettos- again- not a wise footwear choice. 

Wanting more

I have been pretty open that my faith/religious relationship with Gd is not very deep.

It seems so fake to go to worship for an hour a week then leave and be done with acknowledging Gd at most before meals.

What about being grateful for everything we have been blessed with? What about serving our Gd? What about our responsibility to give to those less fortunate? Or to help?

Why does that end so soon after services? What do you so of you want more?

September 11. again

This day just insists on coming every year doesn't it.

I am, as always immensely, indescribably thankful for the sacrifice the FDNY, NYPD, and our military service members and families have made and continue to make.

There are no words to say what I want to say.  So I will leave it at - Thank You.  You will not be forgotten. 

Terrorists have not won.  They cannot win.  Hope is so much more powerful than fear.  Love so much enduring than hate.

I am not a bitch. Really.

I am not a bitch, really, even though I seem like one (and act like one). I am really not.

For the longest time I thought I was just a crabby pain in the butt and very mean. But you know what? I am not.

So many people (family members included) told me I was just a mean person.

I was talking to my doctor about all of these symptoms I was having, headaches, irritability, actual nervousness, catastrophic thinking, etc-- guess what. I am not a bitch. I have anxiety. Anxiety can be managed. Anxiety makes life hard.

It can make the nicest person ever seem like the Wicked Witch.

Anxiety does not always manifest as panic attacks- it can take many forms. Food for thought- almost all people who have anxiety also have depression- though again the manifestation is not classic. (Thanks Dr. Grim for that info - what an unfortunate name for a psychologist, huh??)

Lets talk about mental health stigma

I am pretty open with my mental health issues.  There are somethings I don't discuss because I am not really clear on how they happened and I do not want to give misinformation, but for the most part I put my brand of crazy out there.

When I started talking to a neighbor about it I was warned by my husband to not do that. Someone would think I was crazy.  When I talked to a friend about it who blogged about it, there was concern for judgement.

Ok- fine judge away.  I would rather be judged to be a wee bit nuts than being prejudice or hateful.  I may be nuts- but I am nice (most of the time).

Recently there have been a spate of articles that say how there should be more or less (depending on the article) gun control laws to prevent a tragedy such as Aurora, CO.

No- tighter/looser gun laws will not do crap. A criminal clearly has no interest in following laws and will probably find away to do whatever it is he wants to do.  Looser laws can easily lead to more shootings as 'mistakes'. 

What needs to happen is Mental Health reform and reduction of the stigma attached.

In the case of Mr. Holt he had been seeing someone. She had discussed him with her colleagues as a potential danger.  However- he began withdrawing from school and thus was out of their control.

All of this just is tragic.  One of the most tragic things is that it was preventable.

I really do not know anyway to fix this- I wish I did.  But all I can really do at this point is talk about it. Loudly. 

Inside the mind of anxiety

Oh mental health....why must you require such diligence.

I am very prone to anxiety.  I can leap to an absolute catastrophe in my head in minutes- ok more like seconds.  When I am having anxiety issues I am very irritable.  This is good for no one.

My prescription for my meds ran out not that long ago and I thought it is 19 days... I can make it through 19 days. I was so so so very wrong.

Aside from the physical issues associated with suddenly stopping medication I was batshit insane, and this is an insult to bats (sorry).  Headaches. Crabby.  Over-reactions. Not to mention my dear friend the eating disorder was right there to greet me.

Yesterday, after deciding I could not put myself or my family through another day of crazy mama- and begged for more meds.  I promised I would keep my appointment but I needed something to get me through.

Thankfully, my doctor understood.  She called back to say the prescriptions had been called in. I did a happy dance and flew to the pharmacy.

Of course- the pharm tech only heard ONE of the prescriptions being called in- there should have been TWO. I almost died. Sweet relief was coming to be snatched away from me.  The pharmacy agreed to call my doctor-- lo and behold-- there SHOULD have been two scripts not just one.  Got home and took my meds in a few days I should see some improvement.

Moral of the story: Going off meds is a BAD idea.  Second: know your meds- your pharmacy may not. 

Things that are harder than you think....

Finding a babysitter.

When I was a teenager I babysat-- a lot.  I had no idea how hard it was for parents to find sitters- was it always this way? or is this a new thing?

After finding a sitter it is kind of overwhelming to make sure they are a good person and will not destroy my house- or heaven forbid- anything worse.

I always feel terribly unqualified and unable to interview sitters. Much like making conversation on a first date I stumble and stagger through the conversation occasionally (often) putting my foot in my mouth.

Finding sitters and activities is hard.  It seems like you have to be in the 'in' mom crowd to find out about them.  I am in the mom crowd who is still wearing maternity pants.  Not 'in' at all.

One of my friends from childhood must have felt the same way and she started a great website to help moms along.  Go check it out- you may find the next Mary Poppins

Where'd the Pole Go?

I have not been blogging so much about pole lately because I am having a hard time with it.

My pole history in brief:

I started pole in February of 2010. I had to take the majority of the summer of 2010 off because of kidney issues then more time in the fall/winter for 2 major surgeries, asthma issues, and an injured wrist.

All was mostly well until August 2011 when I had wrist surgery and learned Henry would be joining our family.

I went back to pole a few weeks after Henry was born (I resumed classes in April 2012) but had to have kidney surgery (yet again) in July of 2012 this required more time off.

Going to pole has been discouraging and humiliating because I cannot do some of the tricks I took for granted. Monkey Climb? Sure. Shoulder Mount to Pencil? Got it. I could catch on to new tricks with relative ease and incorporate them into my routine without being scared.

Now? Not so much. I feel like I can't put together even what is supposed to be a fun dance- my mind blanks. Tricks that *should* come easy are hard. Opposite side invert? I just got that sucker back.

And I am slippery! I have never been terribly slippery before grip aids were great for new things but usually I didn't need them, now I cannot find a darn grip aid that helps me!

Here is the issue. All of this was really eroding at my self esteem. I would leave class and be angry at myself. I would almost dread class. Pole dancing was not the happy refuge that it was.

I made a decision. I would give up. I suck and there are no two ways around it.

My instructor pointed out that yes I started dancing for 2.5 years but I have not actually been dancing that long. With that time I have had to take off 20 months. So within that 32 month time I have had to miss 18-20 months- and not just miss because work got busy but because I had a baby, multiple surgeries, injuries, it is not like I could just jump back in.

So sure. I can't do somethings now but give me time- I will.