Long week

Saturday, October 2, 2010

There are a few weeks that pretty much without fail will suck. I know this going into them. I can circle them a year a head on the calender and just know that from day x to day y I will be a basket case of nerves ready to spring or crumple.

The anniversaries of loss. The anniversary of leaving or return. The feelings the anxiety the total feeling that gnaws at my soul leaving this jittery feeling or the bottomless empty pit.

I know these weeks in advance. I typically just accept that things are going to be hard those days and muddle through. Much like the name muddling through is not pretty- it is getting by. It is doing what is needed to do to keep things moving. To keep going forward. At times it feels like I am stuck in a thick mess of something that slows down the time around me that makes every movement seem thick.

Conversely, at times I feel like I vibrate around a ball of frenetic anxiety. Unable to slow down. My heart will not slow down and I cannot quiet my head. When my thoughts move at a pace that is indescribable and my hands shake trying to pour milk.

Soon the week ends and I can return to my 'normal'. My life goes on much as it was. The feelings are still there- buried below the surface. But there.

That is what life is an exercise in learning to carry on, to get through it, to continue, despite it all.


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