Fall

I love fall! Love it!

I opened to door to take everyone for a walk this evening and was greeted with crisp air and the smell of a wood burning fire. Yes I had to dig out a hat and mittens for the kids but...ohh I love fall...I love all of the season..and I rejoice in the beginning of each. From dry crunching leaves under my feet, the pristine silence of snow on branches, the brave first touches of green, and lazy hot summer days spend by the pool. Each is wonderful. I do not think that I could ever live somewhere that does not have seasons.

Now is the time to look forward to baking pumpkin bread, sitting cozy by a fire, fresh crisp air and fresh apples...Yea fall

It is tooo freakin' quiet!!!!

The older kidlets are at grandma's, B is gone, it is Peas, the animals and I....doood it is freaky quiet. I am not used to it. What do I do with myself??? I got soo much done by noon I was all 'huh--so what do parents of one child who is passed the newborn constantly needy phase-pre mobile phase doo????' Well my house is clean. The laundry is done, I have read a whole book, trimmed bushes, bathed (alone!!!).

Sure there is more I can do but for the moment I want to veg. I can mop floors tomorrow. I am on my own again tomorrow, I have to pace myself.

Sooo anyone want brunch tomorrow??

Debates and Football

I am so excited for this election. Not just because I am not thrilled with George W. Bush, but because for the first time in my life politicians are reaching so many people, stirring so many on such a base level, giving hope to so many. Maybe this is how my mother felt about Kennedy, more that than the world was then as it is now in the midst of radical change. My political leanings are very liberal (GO OBAMA)...admittedly. However for the first time in my adulthood, I feel like neither candidate would be a disaster for us. McCain while not my favorite does have good points.

So last night I was giddy with excitement for the debate. In school I loved to debate, hell I still love to debate, but this was the first time in my life I was giddy over a presidential debate. I went to my best friends house to watch. She said she "watches debates like football". She does, it rocked. Someone else who loves that. Mental Sparing rocks. Eliminating antipathy rocks. I am so excited to see so many people previously so apathetic so excited about politics. Politics and Law have always jazzed me writing bills, making changes for the better, learning, bettering things...it is like crack (but not illegal).

Such a boy

Today I was channeling my inner dairy cow and expressing milk while attempting to read a magazine, entertain Peas, and ref the two older kids.

Stinky takes out a puzzle and attempts to put it together. One piece refused to go in; instead of turning it or moving it he went and got his toy hammer and proceeded to pound the darn thing until it turned enough to go in...Such a boy

Princess

I had a cute princess story but I forgot it by the time I sat down to type it out. :( That is frustrating.

Today we ventured out to the mall to meet friends and tire the kids out. By the time we ready to come home I do not know who was more tired... the kids or us.

Princess is so confident. She wore a flamenco dress to the mall resplendent with ruffles, red fringe, and polka dots....she loved it, and the attention she received.

Stinky....what can I say...he is my little man. He is so so sweet and so amazingly just wonderful. He is silly in an entirely different way than Princess. He is also more shy and cautious. But when he smiles his eyes sparkle and his smile is brilliant

Peas is a snuggle bug. Content in a sling...no where else. She is learning to crawl. I love watching her try and encouraging her. She is so strong! Constantly amazing.

Perfect For Each Other

I'll never find another man like Brian. I have a lot of baggage.

Independence

My son is a stinker. "Myself" is is word of the day. He does not want to hold hands, he does not want help. He will do it "myself" which turns out more like 'masewlf'

What is a mom to do? when there is a toddler who will do things 'masewlf' or 'hep' me with whatever I am doing?

I suppose I should be grateful for him spreading his little wings. He is my little boy my sweet boy. He may be independent but he still loves snuggles and he still loves to be by momma.

I love watching him with Peas. He gives her her baby when she needs is upset he sings to her he rubs her head while she nurses or has 'numi's'

hmmm

So here I am. Sitting late. Missing my husband, watching my child sleep. Aching. Worn out. Broken.

My heart my soul needs reviving. I have an awesome friend who is always willing to be there, I am so terrible at being vulnerable in person. I am afraid of being hurt and being left high and dry and even more empty. Me abandonment issues?? Nah.

So much has happened so so much. My life is 20 odd years a long time, but so short. Maybe if I get all of the crap out of the way I can enjoy the rest. But everything that has happened has left its mark on me. In broken hearts, in scars on my arms in strange reactions I have in ‘normal’ situations.

I feel G-d in my heart trying to work. I am afraid to let Him do his job. I am afraid to surrender my soul.

Afraid to accept that I may be worth it. Why? Dunno.

So I sit here and remember a prayer that I heard in school. The “Footprints’ prayer and remember that when I think/know I can’t G-d will carry me through. So many times when I feel like I am the darkest part of life in the ‘depths of despair’ to quote LM Montgomery. Where am I going? Dunno. If G-d can take me and help put humpty back together again I’ll be much appreciative…

So why the morose attitude?? Well 2 years ago I got the wonderful diagnosis of Cervical Cancer. 2 years. That is it. A lifetime ago..I am here.

And now a change of pace…

When my husband and I were dating I would wake up every morning, in his twin bed…yes we shared a twin bed, and smile at him. I was so happy to wake up next to him. I slept with my head on his chest and listened to his heart. Loved being crowded by him loved being held. I will always love him like that. I will always remember how he felt against me then. How I could not get close enough to him. I love him.

sigh...

I miss my husband....I want him to cuddle me....

So Who is Building and Ark

With Brian gone I am the one who gets to deal with day to day life and crisis...usually all at the same time. I have to give any single parents out there a ton of credit. My day/life/week have been a whirlwind.

Yesterday I had planned to go to the park with my best friend and have wine...seriously. It was raining...no park...the dogs were sick...so I left them in the yard...mind you the summer project was to put up a new fence and an invisible fence....

My friends come over. We play...My friends husband calls and asks to be picked up from work (color me jealous...B will never call and ask to be picked up). I decide to let the dogs in and hose them off...Doodle is there..great...Husky is not.

Where the hell did husky go. As I am piling the kids into the car to go drive around out neighborhood screaming her name and looking for her in the rain my BFF and her husband pull in, they join in the search. Animal Control is notified..neighbors are alerted. I arrive back at home and decide to check the surrounding yards three doors over I find husky chasing bunnies.

Thank Heavens she is back.

Fast Forward to today:

I wake up to water in the basement and clogged gutters. To be continued when the situation is resolved.

Ruminations

Today is B's day at the firehouse. I am glad it was not yesterday.
Every morning since we were dating I would always say "Be safe, I love you". It used to be on the way to the FD when he would call me when I was on my way to work, now it is when he kisses me goodbye in the morning, even if by some lucky chance I am sleeping, I always wake up enough to say it. I could let him leave without it.

One time, One time I was so mad I did not say it and I was worried the entire day. Since then, no matter how annoyed I am I always say it.

Then after he leaves and the door is shut I say a short prayer, thanking G-d for my husband and praying for his safety.

The one time he was hurt, I about jumped out of my skin.

7 years later

'Memorials are for remembering how can we ever forget' ~ a quote on a website devoted to 9/11 remembrances.

How very true. So much changed that day. More than the tangible: now you have to arrive at the airport several hours before your flight; intangibles were lost too, the feeling of safety. My children will always grow up in a post 9/11 world. It was one day but it created a schism in so many lives.

Since my husband is a fireman this date hits close to home. So many wives never saw there husbands again, so many children never saw there daddy's again, so many hearts broken so many souls lost. My husband gives of himself everyday he risks his life to help other people. The wives, children, and families gave so much too.

It has been seven years and in some ways it seems so long ago-yet in others it seems so recent. A crystal clear sky on a crisp morning can remind me of that day.

i wish I could have some eloquent statement on how my husband defines patriotism for me: the willingness to help whomever needs it. How proud I am of him. How thankful I am that his is at work today and not dead. How thankful I am that when something silly happens I can call him and tell him. How I can snuggle up to him when I am cold. Losing that would be losing me. We are so intertwined now, he is an extension of me. I am so so so sorry for the families and loved ones of the FDNY. I cannot imagine what that is like. But thank you for your sacrifice.

Coasting

Thank you all so much for your support. I really am grateful. I am feeling better. We just took a mini-break with two other families to our home in Galena. Being away from the day to day helped me recharge.

That and apparently I am a raging hormonal inferno. I have always had a hard time with hormonal shifts but this one was horrible and I had no idea it was coming. I was not expecting it for another week or so. However, at least I know that I have not entirely lost my mind. Anyway.

By the way if you no not want all chemically products when you go out there, bring your own. They have nothing except the 'mainstream stuff' and no Whole Foods or TJs...very sad. But the fresh food cannot be beat.

Also the people just seemed nicer. I left my credit card in a restaurant and the waitress brought it to me in the lot. One of my friends thought she lost money and was calling around for it. They did not find it, but they offered her a gift certificate for the store because she was so sad.

Galena was great. We had 5 adults, 6 kids, and 5 dogs. It was so much fun! Even better we have a lot of the same parenting styles and such so I was not weird for tandem nursing or co-sleeping...everyone does it. It was so nice.

The kids rolled down hills and played in the park they also discovered the joy in a candy store as well as the fun of a horseback ride. All five kids who were old enough (except Peas) went

The daddy's got to go out and hang for a while. They get a long really really well too. It was so nice to see other men wearing their kids and nurturing them.

We went and got our toes done and they are pretty...I need regular pedi's so nice. Peas was with us the entire time and it was great.

Cannot wait to do it again...with out the crazy hormonal bitch..

so if anyone knows any way to help mitigate the pyscho woman inside me please please share.

Down day

I am really down today. Well a lot of days lately. In the hills and valleys of life I am in a very deep valley.

At the moment I am having troubles. Some my fault some not...but I don't know if I have the will or the energy to keep working to keep fighting. So much has been a fight so much has been so hard. Can things please please be easy just for a little. There are people who have so much more to fight against so much more in their way-maybe I should just hush about this.

it remains though- a battle on all sides. a constant battle with food, the toilet is always there, seven stairs away and 5 steps if I need it. the scars on my arms they are still there. I can add to them--but then what? what has been proven? That my heart hurts? Well it does. My heart aches. My soul aches. I can't cry, I can't scream, I can't do much except carry on. right now I don't really care too. Right now I want to rest.

There have to be some words to put to what I am feeling. What are they? There do not seem to be adequate. No words no voice.

I am frustrated that I am on my own so much. My husband doesn't get it. I don't know how to explain it.

Openness

There have been a few people who have asked why I am open about so many things that people have traditionally not talked about. I talk about them. All the time. I would rather talk about them and help eliminate the stigma attached to it. (there are a few thing that I do keep secret, that I am not ready to deal with)


I have survived. I have made it. I am happy. All of this has taught me that I can survive and succeed.

The thing is I have had help. My parents, my husband, my friends, my faith. I could not have made it with out them.

I have scars on my arms from glass, I have scars on my heart and soul. I have battle wounds that remind me what I have survived what I have learned, and maybe just maybe I can be open enough that someone who needs to talk can see that obstacles are not the end. That stigma can be overcome.