Monday, September 15, 2008

So here I am. Sitting late. Missing my husband, watching my child sleep. Aching. Worn out. Broken.

My heart my soul needs reviving. I have an awesome friend who is always willing to be there, I am so terrible at being vulnerable in person. I am afraid of being hurt and being left high and dry and even more empty. Me abandonment issues?? Nah.

So much has happened so so much. My life is 20 odd years a long time, but so short. Maybe if I get all of the crap out of the way I can enjoy the rest. But everything that has happened has left its mark on me. In broken hearts, in scars on my arms in strange reactions I have in ‘normal’ situations.

I feel G-d in my heart trying to work. I am afraid to let Him do his job. I am afraid to surrender my soul.

Afraid to accept that I may be worth it. Why? Dunno.

So I sit here and remember a prayer that I heard in school. The “Footprints’ prayer and remember that when I think/know I can’t G-d will carry me through. So many times when I feel like I am the darkest part of life in the ‘depths of despair’ to quote LM Montgomery. Where am I going? Dunno. If G-d can take me and help put humpty back together again I’ll be much appreciative…

So why the morose attitude?? Well 2 years ago I got the wonderful diagnosis of Cervical Cancer. 2 years. That is it. A lifetime ago..I am here.

And now a change of pace…

When my husband and I were dating I would wake up every morning, in his twin bed…yes we shared a twin bed, and smile at him. I was so happy to wake up next to him. I slept with my head on his chest and listened to his heart. Loved being crowded by him loved being held. I will always love him like that. I will always remember how he felt against me then. How I could not get close enough to him. I love him.


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