Bad day

Today is my fathers mothers birthday...and if I remember correctly her death day. I miss her. I miss her so much. She was wonderful. She made oven roasted potatoes that cannot be replicated.. many have tried no one can do it. She told me one time during a particularly bad time with my dad that "No one loves you like your father" I cried. She had a way of saying things that just cut through things.

I cannot describe what it was like with her. Truth be told I do not remember that much... But I remember her smell. I remember the cotton balls...she always had them and never minded when I would play with them and make a huge mess.

The last part of her life was so painful for her physically and awful emotionally. Our family was going through a rough time and she, I swear, did not want to leave us to make sure we were all okay. I think that my dad told her it was okay to go we would be fine. It took a long time to be fine but we are...and I miss her. I love her.

SUSHI

There is a 35 gallon fish tank sitting in the corner of my living room. At the moment the calico cat is staring at it literally licking her lips. There is no lid on this tank so if she decided to brave the water she could easily get her sushi fix.

In the tank live 9 creatures. 8 fish and 1 water frog.. it is vastly entertaining for the cats and children to watch the inhabitants swim about.

what do you do when

The part of the 'grief reaction' is anger. I am angry. Unnaturally so. I am angry that I have to do this on my own. I am angry that my breaks come when when someone comes over at night to give a bit of a chance to breathe. I am angry that the kids need attention all the time. I am angry that this happened. I am angry I do not have words to describe it. I am angry that I have to keep it together all the time and I can't I am tired. I am sad. And irritable. I cannot take my anger out on the kids- not their fault. Not fair for me to be fussy with them.

Grief reactions are a common thread of study. Anyone who has taken a class in psych knows the basics. The down and awful parts are the parts that no teacher no word no nothing can describe. The feeling of isolation. The feeling of having this loss follow you around (much like the proverbial thunder cloud) gets heavy.

Let it go. Sounds easy? Its not

attention seeking behaviour

is very frustrating. My children all are well practiced at it. If they feel they are not getting the appropriate amount of my time they are exceptionally good at making sure they take some.

As a somewhat intelligent person I understand how this works and I understand the purpose. As a mom I am annoyed. As someone feeling constantly stretched too thin- I am irritated.

It was easier when B was here. the odds were slightly more even. Now I have no chance.
Logically it is 'easy' to deal with this behavior..ignore it right? But isn't the reason they are acting out because they feel they need more? Ignoring their needs also runs contrary to my sensibilities as a mom. The biggest problem that I seem to have is handling the juggling act and walking constantly on a tightrope. Which is how I feel..juggling while balancing precariously..I hope I am working with a net

98% to 2%

in theory she'd have a 50/50 shot right? Shoes going on the right feet 50/50 shot right? Hell no. more like 98/2 against. and EVERY time she asks 'is this the right foot?' No. It should not frustrate me as much as it does. But it does. I am working on seeing the comedy in it and laughing. I have tried different tactics to explain the shoe concept. No dice.

I keep waiting for the Law of Large Numbers theory to kick in to even out the statistics...4 years and counting.

today

I am overwhelmed with feelings of loss. Not particular reason. Nothing amazingly awful happened. But well today I am feeling the grief/loss particularly keenly. How strange it is that I can miss someone that was with me for such a comparatively short time but made such an impact. I miss what could have been, what almost was. I am angry. I am angry- that I lost what so many take for granted.

Now I remember

The forgotten post.

Last night Stinky was having a hard time getting to sleep. I had snuggled and all of the momma tricks that I know. He was not having it. He was scared. He was convinced there was a beetle in is pjs. I ended up pulling him into my bed and snuggling him some more. I sighed. It must have been an emotionally charged sigh because he wrapped his arms around my neck and patted my head gently and rubbed my head softly and said: " its okay momma, I've got you. I love you momma, you are my best friend momma, its okay momma."

His sweetness softened my frustration and fatigue. I must be doing something right by him to have such a gentle spirit.

Ehhh??

I recall last night that I had a great thing to talk about but now I forgot it... hmm well that is typical of motherhood right? Walk into a room forget entirely why you are there...go to a store and forget what you wanted to buy.. That is me right now.

Fatigue does funny things to your brain. It makes salt look like sugar..and become very surprised about that when you take a bite of cheerios. It makes small things absolutely maddening. What I would not give for a full nights sleep.. I do not know what I would do with it in fact.

So today I woke up to snow. More snow. Can it be summer already?? or at least spring? The kids love to sled. I love that part too. I loathe the getting them dressed to go out part.

Ouch and how'd that happen??

This is two posts in one. It has been an interesting day around here.

Peas broke my nose. That is right. My one year old baby broke my nose. By the way it hurts. A lot.
It was also quite embarrassing. I had to scrape of the windshield of my oh so sexy Odyssey with crap shoved up my nose because it was bleeding. Then drive to get Princess from preschool to face the guy that was pathetically flirting with me.

I am not so great at noticing when I am being hit on. But this guy was just painful. Dropping of Princess at school was not a place I anticipated getting hit on. It is preschool.. abc's yep blatant flirting not so much.

I was there with all of my children..trying to keep at least a cursory idea of where they were and making small talk with the father of one of Princess's friends. The conversation was basic parenting stuff...from the usual how do you entertain kids when it is incredibly cold out...somehow the chat turned in an unanticipated direction- him complimenting me on doing this on my own...me saying I am not on my own all the time...then I realized that he somehow had managed to meander across the hall and was standing next to me...a bit to close. I am not practiced at flirting...not interested in it. I have my family- I love them. Soon enough he began suggesting getting together outside of school...I thought he meant a kid play date...wow. I am dense. I told him that just because B was not there does not mean I am available.

I beg your pardon???!???!?!!?

For a few moments this morning I was questioning reality. Some people I know teased me with the possibility of calorie free wine. that was 12% ETOH. The juice of the gods. Seriously. I was all excited. thinking my prayers have been answered.

then someone dashed my hopes and made me cry like a toddler. The wine is not calorie free. When that news escaped I think mommies everywhere began to silently weep.

A few other women's quotes about it:

"I'll die drunk and skinny" (this in regards to the sweetener that was used probably causing cancer)

'Does it have crack it it crack wine?'
'then pop a cork and call me whitney, I want some'

Upon the revelation that it does in fact have calories:

'God giveth and God taketh away'
'God hates us'
'you know there is a good reason God puts calories in booze. The calories in wine are the only thing stopping me from being a raging alcoholic'

boundaries

what do you do when the lines between you and your children become blurred when you are always being touched and talked to when you forget who you are as a person and become something...someone else. When you forget what it is to be alone to not constantly think of the children or think in terms of mom hood.

I looked through my closet the other day to go out with a girlfriend and I realized all of my clothes were 'mom' clothes great for playground wear...being a grown-up and heaven forbid sexy...not so much.

The parenting thing is my job. cool I get it. But even full time workers get a day off once and a while. Calling in sick is an option...personal days are there for a reason. But that is the thing....I would not want to go back to work and send them to daycare either... it is very frustrating being stuck in the position of either working and surrendering caring for your children to someone else or staying at home and being mom...exclusive to everything else.

I have been told to go out at night with friends and do things for grown ups....etc. It is not that simple. I do not have a husband who walks through the door at 5:30 or 6:00 and is there to shoulder half the childcare... this is a 24/7 job.

how do you parent without dogs?

I have 2 dogs. 2 very well fed dogs. I had one dog, but he was unable to keep up on the mess so a second had to be added. (truth be told we had a mini schnauzer who had a bit of a Napoleon complex and he kept picking fights with the bigger dogs so now he lives at my in-laws) So at one point we had three dogs. Three dogs, 2 cats, and fish.

Anyway..the dogs. We originally got a dog when I got sick of wiping up the floor after every single meal time since we had one small child we anticipated that a small dog would keep up. Bearing in mind this child insisted on making every meal a multi-sensory experience or a mixed media art project.

Well one dog did ok. Soon we realized we were hardly ever feeding him dog food...like every other day.

So we added the golden doodle. He a sweet boy..who is supposedly poodle/golden...he does not act like it...he is golden through and through. He also is not the brightest of dogs. But he is great for clean up duty.

Then came A The husky. Who is a very patient very gentle girl. She is smart though. Too smart.

Between the two dogs they are able to clean up the majority of spills related to mealtimes and the stray goldfish crackers...they also function as a pre-wash cycle and a garbage disposal. If I did not have them I would spend considerably more time chasing stray snacks and meal remnants. How do you do it?

the cow did not die in vain

A steak is a steak right? Chicken chicken right?? ummmm no. It is not.

Saturday evening I went to Cafe 36 in LaGrange. It is a place that was featured on Kitchen Nightmares Cafe 36. The outside is unassuming and standard. The atmosphere is 'ehhh' (you could see Chef Ramsay's design touches and what they went back on..it was very obvious) The wall by the window to the kitchen was great as were the chandeliers (seriously they were gorgeous).

The food. The food...wow. The menu was concise and well planned. The hardest part was figuring out what to get. There were so many things that looked incredible and so little time!!!

We started with the soup-Tomato Basil Soup- the best soup I have ever had. Wow. Then came the entrees. We had Steak and Chicken. Basic right?? Wow. Just wow. I have never tasted anything like that. The cow should have been proud.

Then dessert. Chocolate mousse. Again amazing. The whipped cream was rich and the mousse was so rich. Fantastic.. if you need a place to go for a nice meal...go there. now.

back in the saddle again

Today I went riding. it has been to say the least a while since I rode last. So I anticipated starting slowly take a lesson walk and trot a bit...get used to diagonals...nothing hard nothing fancy.

Well how do I say this... IT ROCKED. (and I hurt) I did not know I had those muscles. It hurts.

I walked, trotted, cantered, and get this Jumped.. it was a very low x but I went over it 4 times. It was great. It was exhilarating.

For someone who rode competitively and lived and breathed horses this was a long time to be off... but wow. I remember why I love this sport. I remember the peace that can be found on horseback. The feeling of such a powerful strong animal, working together, communicating. In the end

what is more frightening when angry: a three hundred pound line backer or a 1200 lb, horse??