Business of Being Born

I just watched this movie. I harassed B into watching it with me. He was less excited about watching it than I was.

I was moved to tears frequently. The beauty of birth. The intimacy of the experience. The joy the love.

It convinced me that I want that. It made me mourn for the loss of the experience that was 'taken' under the guise of medical necessity. It was a very eye opening movie. All pregnant women should watch it.

Dreams

Not the good kind. It is an established fact that I have lots of dreams. Recently I have been having a lot of nightmares. Lots of nightmares pertaining to my rape and not being able to escape it. Like I have a phone but I cannot dial 911 for some reason. I have no idea what this means. I have no idea what to do about it. But I wake up sweating and trying to reassure myself that it was just a dream

MOOOOO

I donate milk.

I love being able to donate milk. I love knowing that a baby is getting a good start because I can do that. It is my gift. There are a lot of things I do not do well but I can make milk.

I cannot donate blood or platelets as I do not weigh enough but I can donate milk.

Breastmilk: it does a baby good.

More Faith

I have a lot to say today...

The other night I got to talking about with faith and G-d with a friend. Today I flipped on the TV ready to zone out for a few, and what was on? A 30 Good Minutes on WTTW that had the topic of Faith, finding it, prayer etc. Thanks G-d. I get it. I am learning. You have sent enough signals that I need to do this...So noted.

So here I am. I am giving my sadness, my frustration, my joy, my vulnerability to G-d. He can take care of it better than I can. I am imperfect, I am human. I am his.

I have to wonder why I was given some of the burdens I was given. I hate to complain about them because they are so minor so inconsequential.

Pray for me on this journey please.

ready for more processing?

I pity any readers I have this has become more of a journal than anything else...but it has made me accountable for my emotions and helps because they are out of me.

Brian as some of you know has an interesting relationship past. I have issues with his past. They are my issues. I admit that.

I am convinced that I will never measure up to the other people Brian has slept with. Measure up in any respect. I am convinced that he is thinking of said other girls..and that they were better than me...Goodness I hate admitting that. I am embarrassed. So if you know me, please keep this private?

B knows how I feel and has assured me and re-assured me that none of it is true. But he did admit that one of his ex-s was better in bed that I was. This was said four years ago..I still carry it with me.

How do I learn to let it go? How do I learn to forgive his mistakes? How do I learn confidence in myself? How do I learn to forgive myself? How do I stop letting all of it bother me?

The obvious...my eating disorder and associated distorted body image and like. Check. Have it. I do not think I am at all attractive etc. So it is understood that a lot of these issues are related to a lack in confidence. Very well and good right? Surface stuff is great. But I need more. Way too much therapy has not helped a lot. I can maintain my weight but I can't get over the feelings. Worse, I take it out on him. Princess sees this.

She is growing up!

Princess is in her twin bed now. Built by hand by my father.
My dad brought the bunk beds and the dresser that he built for Princess and Stinky today.
I went out with Princess to pick out her first set of big girl sheets. Shockingly, they are pink....duh.

When my dad and B were wrestling the beds out of the truck I went and bought a mattress. I am not sure how ready I am for Princess to be so grown up. I miss the little baby. But she sure is a ball of laughs now.

need to discuss something

B is not my first husband. He is my second. My first marriage was not good or long. Hurt feelings, broken bones....broken spirit.

I am discussing this now because I told a friend last night. My first marriage is not something I talk about a lot. I try and not discuss it. I have not processed it yet and am avoiding doing that like all get out. It affected me a lot though. It affected they way I relate to men, the reactions I have, my level of trust. I always feel like I am looking for something bad, sitting half on edge ready to run.

I left my own wedding reception with out my husband. Why? He slapped me. I spent the night with girlfriends. He was my husband and I never slept with the guy...how pathetic of a marriage is that? We were separated before the marriage certificate was filed. (and i found an AOL personals profile of him up a day later)

He still has control over me. Even now. I have not heard is voice in three years and the last time i did; I panicked. The thought of seeing him or talking to him makes me break out in a cold sweat. I am afraid he'll find us. I am afraid he'll find my children. I am afraid he'll hurt us.
Hence the two large dogs.

When B and I were dating he followed B all the way back to his parents from my place...a good 40 miles.

on a lighter note i have decided he looks like Henry VIII in his last years, fat, bloated, and with beady eyes.

Why B Sometimes Hates Me

I am well educated. I have extensive experience and training in logic, reason, and debate. Which means winning an argument against me is not easy. When I am in full on argument/defense mode he is hopeless. He knows it.

Right now I am having a hormonal issue. I am moody, crabby, and generally pissy. I asked him to clean up dog poop, he said he would. It didn't happen nor did he do any of his other chores. This is NOT a good week to annoy me. So I called him and not so nicely reminded him of his chores, he said he did not have time. I replied how would he feel if I did not make dinner or feed the children or change diapers because I did not have time. He said well that is your job...(bad move buddy). We had previously discussed and stipulated in our negotiations regarding division of labor that chores were part of our jobs regardless of whether we were working outside the home or not (he was reminded of said agreement). My comment was: well it is part of your job to pick up after the dogs. He said that he has priorities....(man needs to stop digging himself a hole)...My reaction: so we, your wife and children are not part of the top tier of priorities. He is now angry that I trapped him.

Yes I trapped him, yes, it was not fair, but I am grumpy.

Vintage Princess

Last year she started asking about G-d and why we do not go to church like our neighbors. My explanation of G-d centered around the concept that He is our father. Later that day she asked if He was in charge of me, I said he was. Next day, she wanted another cookie. I said that one was plenty..she she said she'd tell G-d on me.

Cute Skylar

We went to dinner at Red Robin with a friend. When the server was clearing food. Skylar looked up with her huge blue eyes and in a very mature 4 year old way said, "I am done too, sir". Too darn cute. I melted. Such a sweetheart

It started with

..a thud. Zoe fell out of our bed. That has never happened before- then again we have not had a night like we had last night in a looong time.

William was up, Skylar was up, Zoe was up, and Brian was snoring. One to another to another....We need a bigger bed. When Brian got up for work he did not let me know so I did not move to block Zoe in. She scooted all the way across the bed (which is a long way to scoot) and fell off. She was PISSED. but fine. The commotion woke up everyone else in the house so our day officially started at 4 am.

We went to the fire house for breakfast/brunch. It was fun. The kids are so nonchalant about the entire firehouse thing. some of our friends kids act like Brian is a god because he is a firefighter, but my kids are just like this is where Daddy works... they know which truck is which and they know how to turn on the lights on the trucks.

It is funny watching the guys be all domestic and cook and clean. At home Brian doesn't do anything like that but at the firehouse they all pitch in. Of course the equipment is slightly more manly. They eat off of platters, seriously platters, and they industrial everything. Boys and their toys right??

A sign??

I have been questioning the direction and role my faith needs to take; which course I am being called to.

Today, I saw a sign at Wheaton Evangelical Free Church is starting a Beth Moore Bible study. I have not read the Bible, let alone studied it. If I signed up for this would I look like a fool because I know so little about the Bible...or would it be okay if I went and said that 'I do not know what I believe or what it means to me, that is what I am here to learn.'

Is this church offering a class so close to my house and me seeing a sign for it a coincidence? Something more?

The thought of a Bible study frightens me. Like I am turning my back on how I was raised. So do I go? Do I attempt to read the Bible first so I do not make an ass of myself?

Just Sitting

Nothing terribly remarkable today. Just sitting on the sofa right now with Zoe talking to each other. She cooes so nicely--she is also showing me her feet. She found them before but now she seems to understand that she can move them around how she wants and they are attached to her.

She loves to hold her hands and play with her fingers. So stinkin' cute.

Come to think of it. I do have a dilemma: Sky is terribly bossy with Billy. She tries to discipline him and mother him. Billy of course resents it. I try and remind her that it is Mama's job to look after Billy, but she doesn't seem to let that stand in her bossy way. How do I get her to not be so bossy? How do I get her to be kinder to him? Yes he annoys her...she annoys him-it is what they do.

Do Tornado's Bite?

That is Skylar's question. As long as they don't bite we're cool...if they do bite she has an issue.

We had a crazy storm last night. Delightful. Sirens, emergency broadcast station, all of it. Thankfully, we are safe. There is a confirmed tornado in Bloomingdale though.
Fun times.

Rescue Remedy should be provided to all moms free of charge...that stuff is great.

Jealousy...

Not a fun topic. But one that I need to address at the moment. I apologize for the brevity of the post in advance, Zoe is squirmy

Another friend is pregnant. I feel like all of my friends are pregnant. No not all but a lot. And it seems like all of the pregnant women in the world are stalking me. (I guess this is the anger part of the grieving process)

You'd think I'd be over Almost Baby by now. You'd think I would be moved on. I am not. I am not ready to move on. Every once in a while I notice on my planner that has the weeks marked out on it. I would be xx along. I am not. I am not pregnant.

Maybe maybe someday we will be blessed again. Maybe, maybe someday I can rejoice with the feeling of life inside me again.

One of my friends announced today that she is expecting. I am happy for her. While I am happy for her, happy for her family, I am sad too. Sad and jealous. Forgive me friend for not putting my whole heart in it.

Moments in time

Have you ever had a moment when you can just feel the Lord's presence? When you are moved to tears by wonder, feeling wrapped in a cocoon of His love? I had that this morning. I was running Ali and just listening to the sounds, praying nothing specific just feeling the prayers. Feeling my breath, feeling the wind, and it hit me. It started with goose bumps but soon I was in tears, not sad tears. Thankful, joyful tears.

A small moment in time that I will cherish

lightning bolt moment

in the past few weeks I have had a number of circumstances that are making me re-evaluate how am living my life and my expectations from the same and from people in it. Today reflecting on all if it I had a realization that I need a make-over. I need to re-do a lot in my life re-evaluate a lot of choices. I can be a better person, a better, friend, a better wife, a better mom that I am being.