ready for more processing?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I pity any readers I have this has become more of a journal than anything else...but it has made me accountable for my emotions and helps because they are out of me.

Brian as some of you know has an interesting relationship past. I have issues with his past. They are my issues. I admit that.

I am convinced that I will never measure up to the other people Brian has slept with. Measure up in any respect. I am convinced that he is thinking of said other girls..and that they were better than me...Goodness I hate admitting that. I am embarrassed. So if you know me, please keep this private?

B knows how I feel and has assured me and re-assured me that none of it is true. But he did admit that one of his ex-s was better in bed that I was. This was said four years ago..I still carry it with me.

How do I learn to let it go? How do I learn to forgive his mistakes? How do I learn confidence in myself? How do I learn to forgive myself? How do I stop letting all of it bother me?

The obvious...my eating disorder and associated distorted body image and like. Check. Have it. I do not think I am at all attractive etc. So it is understood that a lot of these issues are related to a lack in confidence. Very well and good right? Surface stuff is great. But I need more. Way too much therapy has not helped a lot. I can maintain my weight but I can't get over the feelings. Worse, I take it out on him. Princess sees this.

1 comments:

felicia said...

((((hugs))))

When these thoughts enter your mind, remember one thing. He could have married any of THEM but look who he's with. He could have married Crazy McNutterson who had already named their unborn children but NO! He comes home to YOU!

He's a PITA, but you know he loves ya.

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