B is not my first husband. He is my second. My first marriage was not good or long. Hurt feelings, broken bones....broken spirit.
I am discussing this now because I told a friend last night. My first marriage is not something I talk about a lot. I try and not discuss it. I have not processed it yet and am avoiding doing that like all get out. It affected me a lot though. It affected they way I relate to men, the reactions I have, my level of trust. I always feel like I am looking for something bad, sitting half on edge ready to run.
I left my own wedding reception with out my husband. Why? He slapped me. I spent the night with girlfriends. He was my husband and I never slept with the guy...how pathetic of a marriage is that? We were separated before the marriage certificate was filed. (and i found an AOL personals profile of him up a day later)
He still has control over me. Even now. I have not heard is voice in three years and the last time i did; I panicked. The thought of seeing him or talking to him makes me break out in a cold sweat. I am afraid he'll find us. I am afraid he'll find my children. I am afraid he'll hurt us.
Hence the two large dogs.
When B and I were dating he followed B all the way back to his parents from my place...a good 40 miles.
on a lighter note i have decided he looks like Henry VIII in his last years, fat, bloated, and with beady eyes.