need to discuss something

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

B is not my first husband. He is my second. My first marriage was not good or long. Hurt feelings, broken bones....broken spirit.

I am discussing this now because I told a friend last night. My first marriage is not something I talk about a lot. I try and not discuss it. I have not processed it yet and am avoiding doing that like all get out. It affected me a lot though. It affected they way I relate to men, the reactions I have, my level of trust. I always feel like I am looking for something bad, sitting half on edge ready to run.

I left my own wedding reception with out my husband. Why? He slapped me. I spent the night with girlfriends. He was my husband and I never slept with the guy...how pathetic of a marriage is that? We were separated before the marriage certificate was filed. (and i found an AOL personals profile of him up a day later)

He still has control over me. Even now. I have not heard is voice in three years and the last time i did; I panicked. The thought of seeing him or talking to him makes me break out in a cold sweat. I am afraid he'll find us. I am afraid he'll find my children. I am afraid he'll hurt us.
Hence the two large dogs.

When B and I were dating he followed B all the way back to his parents from my place...a good 40 miles.

on a lighter note i have decided he looks like Henry VIII in his last years, fat, bloated, and with beady eyes.

1 comments:

felicia said...

Stop letting him hurt you!

It's time for you to claim your happy ending. As long as you are afraid of him, as long as you tremble at the sound of his name, as long as you react in fear when you see a car that kind of looks like his...you are still his victim.

And as you are his victim, you are teaching Skylar and Zoe that it's okay to let a man treat you that way and make you feel like that. You are teaching Billy that men can get away with doing that to women.

No more. What do you need to do to empower yourself? Take a self defense class? Carry pepper spray? Taser? Baseball bat? Steel toed shoes? :)

He doesn't get to hurt you anymore, physically. It's up to you to stop letting him hurt you emotionally.

This is the sage advice of a woman who was hit, slapped around, kicked, and injured by my ex boyfriend, and then told I was worthless and should have been aborted by my ex husband. (My man picker was malfunctioning for a good 15 years.) THEY don't get to hurt me anymore either. I'd like to see them try.

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