I know I know

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I said would not post any depressing crap in here after some events of the autumn but I need to discuss this.

In life there are a lot of anniversaries, marriage, birth, death, on and on. Tuesday is not a good anniversary. Tuesday is the 10 year dates since I went to UT. Tuesday is 10 years since my life got turned upside down and spun around.

I have talked with my mom about this and she just does not understand why I do not let it go. 'Let it go'... really? is she serious? Let go 2 strangers waking be up in the middle of the night and taking me to Orem, Utah? Where I would stay for the next 9 and a half months?

Maybe she does not want to discuss it. I can't always discuss it in a manner that is 'connected'. That was one of my biggest issues: connection. I disconnect from my feelings- separate myself to get by because sometimes my emotions are too much for me to do and I can't so I disconnect. Great for somethings. Great for making it through grief. Great for appearing stoic. Great for becoming a vindictive bitch. But that great also has a downside. Feelings do not go away. They do not stay folded neatly in a drawer until a better time. They fester and stew. And then they come back-- the godzilla of feelings.

Therapy in UT did not immediately fix anything. There was no healing no nothing. I learned to trust less-to hide better- to hide more. Kind of counter productive in that sense. But I learned a lot. Not the things that people wanted me to learn but other things that were necessary. Such as the concept of justice is subjective. Mostly I became cynical...I stopped trusting. I stopped letting him to close to me- guarding was my specialty.

I did not stop throwing-up I did not stop counting- I just became better at it- without realizing it.

Came home 'better' but not really better at all. I hung on thinking I was ok then lost it totally, made a lot of mistakes. Thought I lost everything. Then realized I had only just begun. So here i am nearly 10 years later. Three kids later. 2 husbands later. I have several more scars physical and emotional. I am different in so so many ways but absolutely the same in others


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