so why am I up?

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Couldn't tell you. I dislike when this happens. Brian is happily snoozing away. And I am...not. Lately it has happened more and more. I get up about the same time and have a heck of a time getting back to sleep..and it is not for lack of being tired. I just can't seem to sleep. Why?

Stress? Could be. I keep thinking about the almost baby. I miss him. yes I think it was a him. I am almost sure it was a him (I also thought Zoe was a him, so shows what I know). If one more person tells me to get over it, I may scream though. How do I 'get over it'? Yes, we have lost pregnancies before, but each is another baby. So what happens.. just say oh well. maybe next time? Well what if I lose him or her next time? What then? God knows best? I get that but goodness God, can you clue me in here, just a bit, let me know at least somewhat where this journey is taking me? The worst is...'this is why you should not take birth control' ....

Zoe went on the big girl swings today...had a great time.
Last night Brian had Skylar and William sleep in the tent outside. Sleep being used loosely. William was frustrating him so he brought him inside, so he could frustrate me instead (thanks dear) Skylar went to sleep around 11:30...and William wanted to get up for the day at 3:00 am...so our day was delightful.. I got to see the full range of temper tantrums. Who knew there were so many ways to have one?

hmmm what else...Ah yes. I keep praying for patience and I keep getting sent opportunities to practice it. Practice makes perfect? Maybe I should pray for something else.

1 comments:

Atwood-Family of 3 said...

I hear you on the miscarriage thing. It seems everywhere I look there are pregnant women galore and each one is a little "slap in the face" a little "look what I have and you don't..." I told that to John the other day and he didn't get it either. He told me that God is in control and I should basically submit to Him. Which is all true, just not very supportive. I told him he doesn't get it and if he lost a live child he would look at all the kids that age and wonder why him. I only feel it more because our baby was inside me and I could feel it very very real.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time grieving this. Have you done anything to memorialize your baby? Planted something, maybe bought a piece of jewelery? We haven't done anything yet, but I need to collect all of our reminders of the baby (which are very few-just the test and the pregnancy journal I had already started) and do something special with them. Good luck as you figure out how to best grieve this.

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