The Aftermath

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The part than no one sees. To the outside I look fine. My weight is stable, I can eat somewhat normally, I function, mostly.

The aftermath of an eating disorder is often invisible even after the outward symptoms are gone the disease is still there, waiting.. Always.

Sitting down to eat is not just that easy. I do not get hungry often. I get dizzy. Then realize I have 'forgotten' to eat. When I do sit down to eat, panic sets in. I do not see food, I see fat. I see cellulite and jiggling.

I can recite the calorie content of most foods as well of the fat content. Try me. I can also tell you the approximate number of calories burned during any activity.

My doctor sees me far to often for injuries and illnesses. Eating disorders trash your immune system. Mine sucked to begin with because of asthma add the eating disorder and I see my doctor more than my parents. My bones and muscles have also been weakened by my eating disorder, so injuries happen.

I also managed to ruin my teeth and needed $7000 worth of dental work. Peachy, huh?

The most insidious is the thought process that I fall into. I start picking apart everything about myself. Everything. I hold myself to perfection and then feel so depressed and unhappy when I do not meet them.

There is so much more that has happened and happens daily because of it. My eating disorder will never be over, I will never be cured, or fixed. I will just be and that somehow has to be enough.


Heather said...

No you might never be "fixed." That's how I feel about my depression. Or about loved ones with addictions. The struggle never goes away. Some days are better then others, but some days are harder and you feel alone b/c no one can "see" the pain.

I admire your honesty and your strength as you have walked this road so far. You are matter what.

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