LittleDude Update!

LittleDude is not so little anymore, and he is a joy to have.

He has learned how to smile and smiles when he sees me.  There is no better greeting than gummy baby smiles.


He is in one of my favorite parts of babyhood.  He smiles and coos, but stays put.  He is happy to see me- no matter what I look like.  Snuggles make everything better for him and he still has the best new baby smell.
Here are some photos from his journey.

Me holding him for the first time in the NICU

Bili Lights

Snuggles

In the wrap on my chest, where he lives.

Happy boy!

Learning to love barbie

If you have read my blog you probably know that I am not a huge fan of Barbies.

A while ago- I posted about how I do not blame pop culture/barbies for eating disorders, especially mine- and it made me think about my thoughts and feelings regarding the dolls and popular culture in general.

I do not believe in giving in items or advertisements power. And by blaming barbie and media for the influx of eating disorders- we are inherently giving them power. By fearing them- we are allowing them to control us. Giving away that control and power is very dangerous, we as a culture, people, and gender, need to retain that.

Living in fear is more dangerous as is giving someone else control over what we think is dangerous and destructive.

A Barbie is nothing more than a Barbie until I give it more power and control to damage my children and myself.

The Talk..

My mom never had 'the talk' with me as I can recall.  I never told her that I started my period and I certainly did not tell her when I lost my virginity.

Princess, being the oldest of five kids, has a pretty good idea of the basic human reproductive system.

One moment that made me laugh was after I had Stinky.  I was going to the bathroom- with an audience and she noticed I was bleeding.  She declared that she did not want to have kids because she did not want to bleed.  I laughed- but did not have the heart to tell her the truth- but we covered that part a bit ago now.

My mom took the much less chatty approach.  Being that she worked at a library there were books left around the house, knowing that I would read them, she just assumed (rightly) that I would figure it out via the reading material left around.

Likewise I did not feel the need to tell her when I started my periods.  I assumed she'd figure it out by the bathroom garbage.   The only time we have only really spoke about it is in reference to the monster PMS and cramps I had.  The entire thing was utterly humiliating.

princess- is 8 now.  I have heard of girls starting developing at age 9 or 10 and frankly that scares me to death.  At what point do I need to take a much more active and vocal role in this?  How can I make sure the entire thing is not terribly humiliating for her?

Guilt issues

I have a ton of guilt issues.

When I was little- I got Cinderella on VHS for a gift one year, I also received Peter Pan.  I kept a tally if I watched one, because I felt guilty if I was ignoring one- and afraid I would hurt its feelings (yes- I know VHS tapes have no feelings)

Time has not resolved my guilt issues- if anything they have gotten worse.  I feel guilty for everything.  Get the wrong thing at the store- guilt.  Forget something- guilt.  Feel tired and neglect laundry- guilt.

Anyone else have guilt issues?

Breastfeeding in public

I have a lot of kids- which means we have to be out and about lest they (and I) go insane.  We went to the market this week and after browsing the kids had ice cream and LittleDude got hungry.  So I fed him.

This means I sat down on a bench, whipped my enormous boob out, and let LittleDude eat.
Honestly, I never gave it another thought. I rarely do!  This time a middle aged women walked by and gave me a thumbs up... we proceeded to talk about our experiences breastfeeding.

I have never gotten negative feedback for feeding my kids.  I do not know if I give off the "bring it on" vibe.. or if I just happen to be in the right place in the right time.  What would I do if someone actually said something negative to me about nursing in public.

Why bother saying something? Would it make me stop nursing in public? No. I guess I would, after restraining myself from unleashing a verbal diatribe on them, ask them why they had a problem with it, what specifically was the problem.

Why would anyone decide to speak up about it?  Have you ever had feedback about breastfeeding? What did you say?

The trouble with boobs

As much as guys love breasts, I have to say they are a big pain.

I almost cried when I started getting boobs.  I would have done anything to cut them right off.   As a teen with body issues and an eating disorder two lumps of fat stuck front and center on my body were certainly not welcome additions to my eating disorder party.

After getting pregnant my breasts grew to immense and disturbing proportions.

Being that I am short and have a smaller frame, large breasts make finding clothes hard.  Really hard.

It doesn't get any easier.  Now my boobs are giant and they are deflated like two bowling balls.  I am now wearing a 32 HH and the cup size is too small.  I mean really.  This should not be allowed.

The inadvertently knock things over and otherwise get in the way.  Big boobs are not fun.

My Problem with the AP (Attachment Parenting) movement

Full disclosure: I am an attachment parenting parent.

First, I think it is great that Attachment Parenting is getting press. Yay!

What I do not like is that people are now clamoring to be AP parents. I tried on mainstream parenting with Princess it sucked for us. It did not feel good- like a sweater that it itchy and does not fit right and rubs in all the wrong places.  So I stopped and started listing to my heart and my instincts and doing what felt right.

I did not run out and buy 30 books and try each brand of parenting on.  I tried to listen to what my heart was saying and go with that. So far it works.  I am not an ideal attachment parent.  I do not follow all of the rules.  Following all of the attachment parenting rules also felt forced to me. So I again, did what feels right.

It is important to note that what feels right varies from child to child and from stage to stage. The unique nature of children needs to be honored.  They are individuals too.

I do believe that especially when babies are infants and newborns I need to put aside some of my needs to meet theirs.  If I need a shower and the baby needs to eat whose need gets met? The baby's my needs can wait.  I am older and understand priorities better.  Babies live in the moment.

The issue is that babies and kids can sense a fake a mile away.  If parents are doing this just because it is 'in' it will not be authentic or genuine for anyone and benefit no one.

Summer Fun

Today was a hot summer-like day in the Chicago area.  The NATO people picked a great weekend to be here!

The weather is amazing.

Despite a summer cold (ughhh).  We went to the french market and browsed, got some fresh produce and some amazing lemonade. We just had a really nice day. Being together.

Four kids had ice cream cones and were ADORABLE.  Then we played in the fountain. Walked to the library, looked around.  Enjoyed each other and enjoyed the day. 

I overheard a bunch of moms saying how they can't wait to get breaks and get away from their kids and that made me sad.

Don't get me wrong, I want days off too.  I want breaks too. But not everyday.  I like my kids.  I enjoy hanging out with them.  I think they are pretty great.

Melt into the pole

I have been back to pole dancing for a few weeks and things are starting to come back.

I no longer feel like I am going to kill myself on a standard invert, my shoulder mounts are there--- they need polish but they are there!

One trick that was driving me insane was the inside leg hang.  I could not get in the right spot to save my soul. It was making me so so so mad. 

 My Monday class was fantastic. I am starting to really feel invested again.  For a few weeks I didn't know if that would mean that it was time for me to find a new exercise because I was just getting too frustrated.   But as I have gotten stronger and started to get tricks back I am feeling more confident. 

This week I had a make up with Molly on Wednesday- aside from deciding that I need to take pole poise she helped me get my inside leg hang back again.  I was fighting it.  I was not allowing myself to melt into the pole and let the pole hold me.  By being too stiff I was countering what the pole was doing.  So I got it.. even better, I got the cupid. 

Always during the relaxation at the beginning I have a hard time getting my head to shut up, settling down into relaxation is always hard.  Somehow it happens with out me noticing it- next thing I know I am settled and enjoying my class.

How did I go months with out this???

Mothers day

I do not hold out a lot of hope for holidays or birthdays.. especially Mother's Day (see the Happy Dead Mouse Day post for reference).

This year was again special..in that way that means it is a damn good thing I have a sense of humor.

As I was visiting the bathroom, you know like most people do first thing in the morning, my children- 4 of them the ones who can walk....picked the bathroom lock and burst in. Full of delight and joy, anxious to wish me a "Happy Mother's Day".  I am really thrilled they are so excited to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but I like to pee in private. 

But that is just what motherhood is isn't it? Motherhood is witnessing the happiness on your kids faces when they feed the ducks or when they are so excited to give you a bouquet of dandelions.  All of that makes it so special.

The rest of the day was a typical day- with lots of spontaneous "Happy Mother's Day" hugs thrown in. 
I could not be the mom I am with out the kids and family I have.  They have given me more and taught me more than I could ever possible hope for.

Here is a picture of a funny card I got:

When the going gets tough

It is tough.

Generally, I try and find the humor in life.  They chaos that happens in my life is humorous- it has to be- or I would go crazy.  Sometimes though it gets to be too much.  The load becomes heavy.  The kids antics frustrating. My own issues.  My own heart.  My own stuff becomes to heavy to bear to carry on with let alone to laugh at.

The ache. The empty. The exhaustion. What is it? Why can't I remember to be thankful for what I have? Why can I not see all of the good things in my life and focus on that. 

Some wise person once told me that you need to have the bad times.  The sad times- to be able to appreciate the good times the happy ones. 

For heavens sake though- I really would appreciate a clean kitchen

Sometimes you just have to laugh

It was one for the record books- and not in a "we had a great time way"

I get a lot of people asking how I do it with so many kids... well I just do... really what else can you do?

Really though- I laugh. A lot. Maybe that makes me insane but- in reality- the crap that is bad- is not really that bad.  I should be and am focusing on being thankful that I have such amazing kids who can drive me batshit crazy.  I really would not have it any other way- maybe a little more sleep though.

To point- after a long day (a character builder) I was driving Pixie to the ER talking with my mom, and I realized I forgot my purse and wallet. I burst out laughing.  And that is when it hit me.  I was letting myself get so stressed out and so upset over things that in the grande scheme of things are not that big of a deal.  So I laughed (and sounded crazy).  Then laughed some more.  What else can I do? Surrender to G-d and let it happen. 
 
One good part of the day was making it in and out of the ER in under an hour- and not because I signed out against medical advice.

In the end the little potty was found (in a cabinet) and empty (thank heavens) I can shampoo the carpet to get the stuff out of it. The ER staff was able to get the thing out of Pixie's nose.  Everything will be okay (great even if my headache will go away).

past to present

I guess this post is not a surprise..or maybe it is. It is something that I tried to put together in my head on the way to the grocer today- and even then I knew I had something to say but how to say it escaped me so I will work on the theory of conscious streaming - thanks Camus.

Do I live in the past? maybe. If we believe that we are created and shaped by what we have been through, what we have over come, where our ancestors have been..... maybe this makes some sense, but maybe not.

Maybe I am so interested in where I come from (ancestry-wise) because I have no idea who I am now. I have been good at reading people and being who they wanted me to be- so I would be accepted or approved of- thus in the process who I am got lost. Or perhaps never got a chance to develop.

It led me into some interesting situations. A lot of them I carry around with me dwelling on them, wondering, over analyzing. Trying to figure it all out. I wish so frequently I could just tell my brain to turn off and take a break.

A lot of my life I don't remember. I remember some things that are immensely painful and traumatic.

I remember the first time my ex hit me with my riding crop- arguing about where the dogs leash began. I told no one. Or when he ran over my foot when I was on my way to work on purpose because I got out of the car when he was hitting me. It took more than that for it to end though.

Here is the thing. It never got better. That stuff happened when we were dating. After marriage it was worse. I was embarrassed. Afraid no one would believe me. Afraid that maybe I did deserve it.

But because I have made it through that and worse. I know I am strong. I know I can handle a lot.

For now though I will continue researching trying to find out where I came from to yield clues as to who I am, and maybe I will be able to figure it all out. Maybe I can get my brain to quiet. Maybe I can figure out my identity. Maybe I can finally fit in

Peace and Faith

I have talked before about my strained relationship with G-d.

There are a lot of things I just didn't understand and taking part in services was resented and not joyful.  For a long time I just kind of assumed this was how it was supposed to be- that this was how we paid our dues to G-d for the privilege of existence.

Then fate (or G-d) intervened with the birth of LittleDude I learned some fascinating things about my family history- things that I never had any idea of- things that make parts of life make so much more sense.  It is like a puzzle that is being put together piece by piece, and with every piece the picture becomes clearer.

I also met an individual- a Rabbi- who was able to give amazing insight into the beauty of religion and faith.  Learning has always been a passion of mine- and learning to see G-d in everything, expressed in everything is joyful.

Religion/faith does not have to be something to be born- it can be something- that is to be celebrated- faith is a gift.  Learning about my faith.  My relationship with G-d is not something to be resented- if I learn to look at things through the right lens.

LittleDude

Is not so little anymore.

We were at the doctor (again) for him on Monday and he is now 7lbs 2oz.  Which for those keeping track is considerably up from his birth weight of 4 lbs. 10oz

He has also grown to an astounding length of 20 inches.

Considering LittleDude was supposed to be born 2 weeks ago he would have been a normal (slightly small) newborn.

Either way he is very healthy and a sweet boy.  He loves his cuddles and snuggles.  What a gift.

Happy May Day!

This month Princess turns 8.  I can't believe it 8! That is like a really big kid!

Its truly a pity she does not have any teeth (seriously- she has like 5 missing and another one wiggly). 

She is a really great kid though.  She is caring, she is compassionate, she has a silly sense of humor, she is sensitive. She is just all around pretty darn great.  I think I'll keep her- because I am pretty sure the return period has passed.