past to present

I guess this post is not a surprise..or maybe it is. It is something that I tried to put together in my head on the way to the grocer today- and even then I knew I had something to say but how to say it escaped me so I will work on the theory of conscious streaming - thanks Camus.

Do I live in the past? maybe. If we believe that we are created and shaped by what we have been through, what we have over come, where our ancestors have been..... maybe this makes some sense, but maybe not.

Maybe I am so interested in where I come from (ancestry-wise) because I have no idea who I am now. I have been good at reading people and being who they wanted me to be- so I would be accepted or approved of- thus in the process who I am got lost. Or perhaps never got a chance to develop.

It led me into some interesting situations. A lot of them I carry around with me dwelling on them, wondering, over analyzing. Trying to figure it all out. I wish so frequently I could just tell my brain to turn off and take a break.

A lot of my life I don't remember. I remember some things that are immensely painful and traumatic.

I remember the first time my ex hit me with my riding crop- arguing about where the dogs leash began. I told no one. Or when he ran over my foot when I was on my way to work on purpose because I got out of the car when he was hitting me. It took more than that for it to end though.

Here is the thing. It never got better. That stuff happened when we were dating. After marriage it was worse. I was embarrassed. Afraid no one would believe me. Afraid that maybe I did deserve it.

But because I have made it through that and worse. I know I am strong. I know I can handle a lot.

For now though I will continue researching trying to find out where I came from to yield clues as to who I am, and maybe I will be able to figure it all out. Maybe I can get my brain to quiet. Maybe I can figure out my identity. Maybe I can finally fit in