Another Year Another Candle

Today is October 15- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day that kind of sneaks up on me every year- a day that I look at on the calender for a few weeks before- somewhat dreading- somewhat relieved.

It is a day that I can remember my almost babies without feeling like wallowing- without looking to outsiders like I have not yet moved on. It is a day that I can honor my feelings of loss and grief without looking like a depressing mama not grateful enough for the blessings I have.

It is a day that tears can flow unabated- that I can feel the fullness of love that comes from being a mama to my wonderful kids here as well as those with G-d.

It is a strange thing becoming a mother. It starts the day you find out you are pregnant and your body starts being bathed in all sorts of hormones as far as I can tell the journey to motherhood is an on-going one... it has not ended yet. As a mother I have loved all of the babies I have carried.

Miscarriages are wretched things. I have felt betrayed by my body. Sure, one can intellectualize that probably there was something wrong- that something wasn't right--blah blah- but the emotional connection is still there. My body failed me. As a woman it could not do what it is designed to do. To have such a betrayal such a failure at such a base level is hard to swallow in and of itself.

It is tragic to go through a loss- it is also tragic to watch someone go through one- and know that she has to see her way through to the other side. That you can support her and help her but her journey has to be her own. My heart breaks for the women I know who have had losses. As much as I can say I know what she is going through- I don't. I know what loss was like for me, not for her. I can say I know that she loves her babies all of them with the kind of love that mothers feel- the kind that stretches out from you and wants to hug and protect.

So today I am remembering my losses- my families losses. Today I am remembering my friends losses. Today I am remembering that even if the babies are not in my arms or on this Earth. They are in my heart- and loved- and missed.