Did you notice my lack of pole dancing blog post from this week? You didn't? Well I was too sick to go dance this week. But Tease has a make up policy that allows students to make up a class if they miss- because guess what? They understand that life gets in the way!!`
Arrive. Stressed. Just in time. Shoulders tense. Jaw clenched. I walk quickly ignoring the surroundings.
Enter. Strip off my day. Pull of tights, boots, sweater.
See classmates- even though I am in a make up session- I felt welcomed.
Stretch. Realize just how tensed I am. When Kristin asked us to stretch out and tense and then melt into the mat- I relax my jaw for the first time in what feels like days. Slowly, I begin to calm- not realizing the anxiety in my body. Again, Kristin has some uncanny sense as to what I was thinking and feeling.
She told us to let the 'wild erotic woman' inside us out. The woman who is not self conscious- who does not have room for self doubt- who moves her body how SHE wants to. She encouraged us to even name her if it made us feel more comfortable- and at least for me it did- her name is Saoirse- in case you are wondering. She reminded us to slow down- to get the full depth of the movement.
We were encouraged to notice our physical selves connecting to our emotional selves and to bridge that gap. To let go of things that were going to happen later or had happened earlier. With that I realized that I live my life like a chess game- planning, strategically planning three steps ahead. Letting that go will be a challenge.
It was enjoyable to use my muscles. To feel them work. Strengthening- stretching enjoying the sensation of that. I am stronger than I thought. Physically. I am stronger than I thought physically.
When it was time to dance and learn new tricks I was self conscious and nervous. Learning to let go will be very very hard. When we started our routine it was difficult again to let things loose. I am by nature very jerky- very- nervous- very tense. I do not let the movement go... it is too fast- like I am racing against some internal thing to finish the movement without enjoying the completion and the sensation involved. I will work on that. But I always feel like I am doing it wrong...or I look foolish.
No one has ever been anything less than amazingly supportive and fantastic though. I have started to look forward to these classes like I used to look forward to vacations- maybe it is my mini vacation. My time. Not mama, just me- but I have been lost for so long that this getting reacquainted with myself is proving to be a pretty interesting thing!