I spend my days taking are of my family, the kids, the dogs, the cats... I hold, I carry, I lift, hug, snuggle, change, comfort, feed, and teach all day. All night. The kids curl up beside me next to me. Holding me- clutching even. All of it wears on me. It wears me down emotionally. It tires me; it drains me. Everyday, every night I give of my spirit of my heart to my family- sometimes I run a little empty and when there is nothing left to give I start to be crabby lose my patience, and be less than the mother and person I should be.
To recharge there are limits to what I can do. Last night- I took time for myself. I have awful headaches that have been getting worse. I carry tension in my neck and back- stress pent up from life.
I am sitting here trying to and struggling to find the words I would like to use to express how I feel- how I experienced my massage- and I am coming up empty. I am however welling with tears because it felt so good emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I feel filled again and ready to give of myself to my family.
It was warm. It was comforting. I felt cared for. I could feel my back, neck, and shoulders, releasing under her touch. I am perpetually cold- even at 80 degrees I am cold. The therapist's touch warmed me. She also put a heating pad across my middle which was amazing. It had enough weight- physical weight to help me feel grounded and warmed- the weight was comforting as was the warmth.
I found myself praying. I found myself melting into myself. I found myself listening to the quiet. Her touch was gentle and warm smoothing out tension. As part of my session she used craniosacral therapy to help with my headaches. The peace and relaxation I felt during that part was shocking. It felt almost like she was listening to a part of my speak that I cannot even be in tune with.
It is, I problem that a lot of mothers and caregivers have. We take care of of everyone and forget to take care of ourselves.
I found myself thinking- who nurtures her? She has a gift for nurturing. She has a peaceful presence. But when she gets 'empty' how does she nurture herself? How does she find so much in her to give to others?
How do you fill up? When you are running out of parts of you to give- how do you refill your heart?