Sitting here

Monday, August 17, 2009

Watching a movie. 28 days. Innocent? Or not.

Watching Sandra Bullock's character go through rehab unwillingly and having my own little flashbacks of my stint in 'rehab' right down to the therapy tool. Granted it was not drug or alcohol induced but my own drug- food- or lack there of. The addiction process is the same the dependence is the same. The overwhelming is the same. so now what?

I hated that saved me.

Watching her go through the feelings that come when you look and start to try- and go back and forth as to whether or not to try. To learn to feel. To be congruent inside matching outside. The hard part is when you do not know what your inside is feeling.

Learning how to feel learning how to exist how to live. Is so scary. It reminds me again how tenuous my grip on this is- disease (I hate calling it that).

So how do I do it when I feel so empty- when I am not sure how to feel- what I am feeling aside from unhappy?

How do you learn how to expose your flaws- how to be vulnerable when you have spent so much time and so much energy not being vulnerable not being needy.

Part of me has to laugh a bit about the 'trust' exercises- yep we did those too.


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