Reflections

So this is my typical post pole reflection.

Last night was an odd class. Not odd in a bad way just... well odd. So many of the girls were missing and that was sad. I missed some of the dynamic that we have. Also Karyn was there as was another girl in our class training to be an instructor and yet another instructor training.

The woman who is normally classmate led meditation. I started out very antsy. I have a hard time being still normally- add stress and I am a ball of nervous energy so there was a lot stacked against me to release. But this woman did a fantastic job of reminding me to breath and be conscious of my surroundings and in tune with my body. She is a natural.

Here is today's introspective observation. Self Deprecation. If someone compliments me I am compelled to deny it. I cannot seem to say or acknowledge I am good at something without feeling I am bragging or being boastful. It is exceedingly hard for to accept anything good said about me. I pick on myself incessantly. For example: last night was learning to to a thigh hold and I said I had to get the pole in the right spot- over the thigh flab. Why, why, why do I immediately go to do that? WITH EVERYTHING? In truth, I will tend to use humor or self deprecation to mask my insecurities. Which does not help. Because then, it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. But saying I am good at something is darn near impossible for me to manage.