I am struggling. White knuckling it.
I feel so alone. So trapped. So isolated. I feel like I have a 'treat me like a maid' sign slung around me.
It has been rough here today. I cannot even begin to explain how frustrated I am at the moment. Peas following clinging, screeching, crying begging to nurse, Stinky talking back and the whining- goodness the whining- Princess telling me EVERYTHING and all of it being SOOOOO DRAMATIC and tragic. Pixie just needing to be loved as any baby does- but Peas having a fit if I pick up Pixie. I do not know how to work with her- to parent her- she is such a bundle of love that does not listen. She climbs EVERYTHING. I do not want to damage any of their spirits I love them all sooo much- and I am afraid by being mean I will. Then the typical kid stuff- 'she is looking at me- he poked me-'. It is emotionally exhausting; added to that the dogs; Charlie may need to be re-homed I cannot keep cleaning up after him. He piddles a little on things usually the same things but I am tired of cleaning it up.
Today I am at my end. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know. I am scared I can't. I need some help to keep it going- but I am tired. Physically emotionally I cannot give anymore- I want to scream to cry to run away. for it all to just stop. Doing everything is too much. I feel like I am going to break. I need some space some real space more than an hour here or there. I need to be nurtured and loved. There is no one I can go to and drop my crap on there lap and say 'you hold this for a little- I am tired' Part of that is my fault. I am not good at being vulnerable so I hold it together and hold it together some more and keep trying to look like I am doing okay when I am about to fall apart.
Today some cracks in the veneer appeared and my frustration leaked out- on to my children. I yelled more than I wanted to or should. I said mean things- I threatened to throw toys away- I was unkind. I was not the kind of mother I want to be. I how can I be my childrens' safe place if I am mean? i am so sorry I was unkind. I don't know how to fix it with them or fix it with me so I am not carrying around an enormous load of stuff.
So today I need help. I need support. I need to feel safe. I need a hug or a prayer- or just a thought that I am not in this alone.