this is a hard post to write

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I am struggling. White knuckling it.

I feel so alone. So trapped. So isolated. I feel like I have a 'treat me like a maid' sign slung around me.

It has been rough here today. I cannot even begin to explain how frustrated I am at the moment. Peas following clinging, screeching, crying begging to nurse, Stinky talking back and the whining- goodness the whining- Princess telling me EVERYTHING and all of it being SOOOOO DRAMATIC and tragic. Pixie just needing to be loved as any baby does- but Peas having a fit if I pick up Pixie. I do not know how to work with her- to parent her- she is such a bundle of love that does not listen. She climbs EVERYTHING. I do not want to damage any of their spirits I love them all sooo much- and I am afraid by being mean I will. Then the typical kid stuff- 'she is looking at me- he poked me-'. It is emotionally exhausting; added to that the dogs; Charlie may need to be re-homed I cannot keep cleaning up after him. He piddles a little on things usually the same things but I am tired of cleaning it up.

Today I am at my end. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know. I am scared I can't. I need some help to keep it going- but I am tired. Physically emotionally I cannot give anymore- I want to scream to cry to run away. for it all to just stop. Doing everything is too much. I feel like I am going to break. I need some space some real space more than an hour here or there. I need to be nurtured and loved. There is no one I can go to and drop my crap on there lap and say 'you hold this for a little- I am tired' Part of that is my fault. I am not good at being vulnerable so I hold it together and hold it together some more and keep trying to look like I am doing okay when I am about to fall apart.

Today some cracks in the veneer appeared and my frustration leaked out- on to my children. I yelled more than I wanted to or should. I said mean things- I threatened to throw toys away- I was unkind. I was not the kind of mother I want to be. I how can I be my childrens' safe place if I am mean? i am so sorry I was unkind. I don't know how to fix it with them or fix it with me so I am not carrying around an enormous load of stuff.

So today I need help. I need support. I need to feel safe. I need a hug or a prayer- or just a thought that I am not in this alone.


Megan said...

Been lurking for a while, but please know that all moms have days like this. I can't give you a hug, but I do send a prayer. You are definitely not alone! Some days it is all you can do to make sure everyone lives through the day. I melted down and screamed at everyone the other day when we could not find my 5 year old's shoes. For like 10 minutes, I flipped out on them, with everyone staring at me wide - eyed. Then I felt like the worst mom in the world.
If it were me, I would rehome the dog - one person can only take so much. I know you probably love him, but sometimes enough is enough and a dog piddling is just too awful to have to deal with on a daily basis. If you do, please don't feel guilty, just make sure he goes to someone who can care for him better than you can! We have taken rehomed dogs, and been a better family for them, and actually rehomed some ourselves when we could not "do it".
Give yourself a break. Put the kids to bed a little early, watch something fun on tv and make a cup of tea, or whatever you love and decompress! Soon it will be spring and they can go outside and blow off some steam!
Blessings to you, Megan

Sarah H said...

Aww Liz I'm sorry. Those days are so hard, and I think most moms have them. I know I do. And then I feel guilty because I yelled to much and then I go in a cycle of "I'm not a good mom".
You are a great mom and in the end your kids will forget the crazy days.
I hope you get a breather soon. Is there anything I can do for you?

Anonymous said...

I have been one of those lurkers for a while too...and you are not in this alone. Every mom has these days. I'm home with my 3 kids too. They were especially challenging today too...and they are about the same age as yours. We live in MN and have received 87 inches of snow, almost a record. It is too cold (10 was our high today) to go outside and play...we live in the middle of no where with about 60 miles to a shopping center or anything we could do for inside entertainment so there aren't many things to do when we are stuck inside and all crafts that I can think of have been made. We are going on day 5 of potty-training with my middle child who just turned 2, the youngest is about to turn 10 months and is into EVERYTHING he can get his hands on! Every time we bring #2 to the use the bathroom, he's right behind trying to catch everything #2 puts into the toilet. Either that, or just when I sit down to nurse the youngest, #2 announces she has to use the potty. Then there is my 5 year old who has refused to remove her band-aids on her arm for a scratch that were placed there on Monday because "it will hurt and still bleed if you take them off". Top it off, 10 month old thinks it is fun to flail himself backwards into the bath tub, 2 year old doesn't want to take a bath or shower but opts for the shower and screams through the whole thing. Oye, I could use some spring or summer, or 35 degrees! Just know you are not in this alone. Thursdays, I ship the kids to my daycare lady whom I love so dearly because she is like a grandma to them (since my parents and my husband's are over 2 hours away). I need that day to myself and use it for myself to stay sane:) Looks like you need to rehome your dog...dogs are wonderful, but not when they are becoming so stressful. Sending up a prayer for peace for you tonight:)

Heather said...

If you didn't have days like this, I'd wonder if you were really paying attention. I have a memory of my childhood. I must have been about 4 and my oldest brother was 9. He stole my candy and my mom was so frustrated, so disgusted, so OVER IT ALL, I saw her kick him in the butt while he lay on the floor in front of our tiny TV. What has stuck with me is that she was FED UP with him, and she lost it. So I've always tried to cut myself a little slack when I get fed up with my kids. Which happens every day. I just try to keep the swearing to a minimum because the oldest one will go to preschool and repeat it, that little....darling.

Hang in there, you're doing a great job. You're a wonderful mom.

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