lonely in a croweded room

Monday, April 20, 2009

maybe not crowded but I definitely I am almost always being touched or talked at or commanded. But I feel lonely. More like alone. Like the I am trying to hold our family up..trying to get through the day to day feeding, cleaning, washing etc. I want someone to relieve me or share the burden. someone for me to talk to that uses pronouns correctly or at least tries.

so despite always being around people I am alone. Even when I am with other adults I feel like I am acting. Playing a role of a mother who just wants to sit and stare at a wall. I want to curl up inside myself and just be...or feel like I can talk and let down some defenses and maybe just maybe not hide.

This kind of goes a long with my bizarre inability to cry. Seriously. Why can I not cry. I have so much crap that I need to let out but am unable to. some people can sit and have a good cry and I can't. Sometimes I can cry sometimes. But not usually. and it does not mean I am not sad or angry or overloaded.. I just can't.


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