She has a temper on her!

This could have been written about me as a child- but I am writing about my Peas, and I need help.

Peas has really big intense feelings, no matter what they are they are intense. Happy is euphoric, sad is the depths of despair.

This is all well and good until we get to anger and frustration- when it manifests as rage.

The angry takes over and she gets stuck in a rage circle. It spirals and spirals out of control with no way to slow down the inertia or change the direction.  It just has to burn itself out. Which can take a long time (like over an hour long time).

While the tantrums are frustrating and hard to deal with the bigger issue is when she lashes out at her siblings or me.  She throws things, breaks things, hits siblings and me.  This does not happen anywhere but at home, anywhere else I hear what an angel she is; and really she can be, most of the time she is.

Peas is getting bigger and is now big enough to do some actual damage to things or people, so it is imperative we find a solution.

One issue specifically that we struggle with is leaving for school.  If she can't find her shoes (there is a black hole of shoes in our house, I swear- its the only way we could lose so many shoes.) or the particular shoes that she wants to wear, It becomes a Chernobyl level meltdown. There can be kicking, hitting, biting, throwing, any number of things, and talking to her just makes it worse.  It just has to burn itself out.

To protect the other kids, and herself, we put her in her room. If I am sick or recovering from a surgery, I cannot fight with her to get her into her room, because she strong.  And I am at a loss.

Once she has calmed down she feels horrible and is so sorry, embarrassed, and totally apologetic.
I just don't know how to get her to the calm stage faster, with less out of control behavior, and to not act out.

I can completely empathize because I sometimes my feelings are overwhelming too, but I  can't reason with her.  It doesn't work.

Do you have any ideas? What can I do to help the rage spiral.  I hate that is such a struggle for her.

it has been a long time huh?

I used to write pretty regularly right?

And then I kind of disappeared? So what then heck?

A lot.

When B got hurt, and I had my hip surgery, I got kind of thrown. Then my kidney acted up and spend lots of time in the hospital and fell into a depression and anxiety that just couldn't lift.

Sure-- B didn't help one of the more cutting things that he said that still sticks with me was, "normal people aren't this sick" I needed to get it together- like this was my choice or my fault. It really hurt and was very cutting..  If I could get my body to cooperate I would in a heartbeat.

Then horrible news-- I carry the BRCA1 gene and hysterectomy. So more surgery.  More kidney.  More depression-- and so much went to hell.

I felt like I was holding my life together with string and a prayer.  I didn't even have pole to fall back on.

My blog has always been kind of open about my struggle with mental illness so I feel I should be frank about this too.  It was hard.  And  I made the biggest mistake than anyone could make. I went off my meds--- stupid I know.  So stupid.  I felt initially like maybe my brain could figure itself out and I wouldn't need meds to regulate my brain chemistry. I'd go off my anti-anxiety meds-- but I won't dare go off of blood thinners.... why do I give blood thinners so much more importance than my mental health? I am back on my meds.  Things are normalizing.

Depression and anxiety are beasts-- they just follow and sneak up when I am not expecting it.

In a nutshell that is where I have been.

Trend setting parenting

A few years ago I was out rightly laughed at by the popular/in crowd moms for babywearing with ring slings, mei tais, wraps, and other carriers that are designed with the baby's comfort in mind. I was told that my babies would be bored, that I was crazy for suggesting that these popular carriers could be bad for little one's hips and spines.

Fast-forward a few years and here we are-- now the in crowd moms are touting the benefits of these baby carriers and decrying other carriers as poor choices for babies... and I am over here saying "duh'"!


Same goes for breastfeeding.  I was the weird one breastfeeding longer than a year, donating milk, cross nursing etc.  Now its an in thing... and again I am over here saying "I told you so".

Gentle parenting is another example.  When time outs were in- we used "time-ins".  I have not sleep trained my kids.. or really any trained--- just let them be the guide.  And now opposition to "cry it out" is mounting. Even Dr. Ferber -- the developer of the Ferber method says how he would not do that again.  Yet again-- I am over here snuggling my babies and loving on them.

Cloth diapers are another thing... so many people said they were too much work and disgusting and now many of the same people are cloth diaper devotees.

I should be thankful that kids and babies are getting care that is more in line with their needs rather than following what has been done... but to be honest, I am annoyed.  This is stuff I have been saying for YEARS and when a popular mom goes and says "I babywear with a ring sling because it is better for their hips" and then all of a sudden other moms are dedicated ring slingers.... and taking popular moms words as gospel.  Why are we as women still following the popular moms? What makes a mom part of the in mom group?

It also worries me because what is the next 'in' thing going to be? Tiger Mom stuff? Will everyone abandon this kind of parenting stuff just as quickly? Won't their kids be confused with the back and forth parenting crap?

But I am happy that I have learned not to follow the cool moms and instead do what is best for my children.

No, I don't dance for anyone

No one aside from my pole sisters have ever seen me pole dance. 

Pole dancing has been thought of as a sexual act for so long, and it is. Really, pole rose to prominence in the US because of exotic dancers (aka strippers).  Without them, pole would not be. Pole can also be sensual, athletic, modern, or lyrical etc- it is an art, a sport, a career- it is whatever the individual doing it wants it to be.

For me though- pole helps me get in touch with my feelings, it helps me get in touch with my (please do not laugh too hard) sexy side.

So why do I want to get in touch with my sexy side if I am not going to let someone see? I do not believe that as a woman, as a pole dancer I need to be of sexual service to men unless I want to. There is no obligation inherent in being a pole dancer (for fitness or any other purpose).

A lot of people say something along the lines of "your husband must be happy" or "I bet he loves to watch you practice".

I do not pole for anyone but myself.

When I say something along the lines of "Well no one else has seen me dance" most often I am met with a response in the vein of "Then what's the point?" Which is to say: what is the point of being and feeling sexy if someone else is not going to benefit from it?

I want to feel connected to my femininity, my sexuality, my sensual side for me. Not for the benefit of someone else.  

and just because I can-- here are UNEDITED pictures from a shoot I had.

I think my phone works better when I say please

It is a truth universally acknowledged that electronics and I do not get along.  It should be on my resume that I can effectively break any electronics.  If I can get it to work- it is a solid item.  More often than not I end up calling B and saying something to the effect of  "the thingy will not do the thingy that I want it to do"

I can hear his eyes rolling. Deep sighs "What did you do to it?" he asks.  "Nothing" I reply.

Grumble.

Somehow he gets it to work.  Interestingly enough, I can do the same darn thing and show him I am doing the same darn thing and it does not work- 3 seconds later- he does it- and magic happens.

My phone is another issue. I have an iphone and Siri dislikes me intensely- but she does seem to work better when I use my manners and say please and thank you.

Buyer Beware of GE Appliances and Home Depot

I have a houseful! Pets and kids create laundry- it is fact of life-as dependable as death and taxes.  As such I do a lot of laundry- somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 loads a week.

In January 2013 we purchased a new GE Adora washer- of course we purchased the extended warranty, that one is a gimme. It was great...at first.

Now that we have had it for nearly 2 years it has been broken 4 times... not just little things... but the drum, the motor (2x), the belt, the control panel.

Getting it fixed has always been a hassle.  Navigating through the automated phone thing at Home Depot is one mess- usually taking at least 10 minutes to reach a person- who is apathetic.

This particular repair takes the cake in terms of awfulness.

On December 12, 2014 I called to schedule a repair as the washer was not working. The scheduled me for a few days later. No problem.

When the day for the repair came- the tech did not come during the allotted window.  I called the company and they said they had cancelled the appointment as we were out of the service area (Note: there was no contact to say it was being cancelled).

After calling Home Depot again, and routing through their automated service again, I got rescheduled for another day.

Approximately 30 minutes before the tech was going to arrive I received a call saying they were on the way, and to please make sure any dogs were out of the way.  As requested, I put our dogs outside and came back in.  Looking out the window I saw the truck pulling out of our drive and driving away.  I ran outside to try and flag him down, either the tech did not care or did not notice me.  I did find a tag on the door, not filled out saying "Sorry we missed you".  My 5 year old said that no one rang the doorbell. (WTF?!) Note: I was outside a total of 2 minutes or less.

I called the 800 number on the tag- it took a good 5 minutes to reach a human- the person who answered was going to call dispatch and transfer me- after 10 minutes on hold the call was dropped. Immediately, I called back. After getting through to a person, the person essentially told me "Suck it up buttercup".

We were again rescheduled for the following day  (12/19/2014)- with a window between 3 and 4 pm when they would not come, because I had to pick up children.  Guess what time the tech showed up? 3:02. I was here and the tech diagnosed the problem as basically everything. He would need to order parts and we were scheduled for the repair to be completed on 12/30/2014.

On 12/29/2014 we received a call again pushing the repair date back until 1/5/2015. The parts had not been delivered yet and they needed two technicians for the repair.  Calling again to try and straighten this out because we were now looking at nearly a month with no washer we were again met with stark helpfulness and apathetic customer service-- the message was "too bad so sad".

We have continued to try and work with the GE Response team, and they have been terribly unhelpful.

Meanwhile- I received a notice from a collection agency regarding the repair from October- it was supposed to be covered by the warranty, so now I have to jump through hoops to try and figure that out.

They make errors and the onus is on me to fix it. I already have 5 children, I don't need to babysit a company as well.

I am completely appalled by the quality of the machine and the quality of the service.

Dealing with a month of laundry with 5 kids and no washer is both expensive, time consuming, and awful.  I have spent over $100 on laundry in the nearly month without a washer.

I am at a loss as to how to proceed, how to get someone to care, how to get someone to make it right!

So far I will be filing a complaint with the better business bureau but beyond that I don't know what to do. Of course, I will never buy a GE appliance again.  Nor will I be using Home Depot.
 

Positive change

Typically, I am awful about dealing with change. When we remodeled the kitchen when I was a child, I cried for weeks.  When my mom got braces, I cried.  When my mom cut her hair I cried. Schedule changes are rough for me too.

For the past few years pole had been my refuge. My escape hatch from a busy life.  When things were rough I could count on pole to spin me back into a good mood.  Then I got sick. Really sick. I had surgeries. And more surgeries. I didn't get all the way better, I would get marginally better, then get sick again.  I had another baby. I got sicker. More surgeries.

Finally, I am getting better.  I am healthier.  But when I started back on the pole- so much that I took for granted was so hard, and it was defeating. I know that I could do something-- at one point- but now I am not strong enough anymore.  For a few weeks this was killing me.  It was depressing. It was dragging me down.

But I noticed tonight- my body is changing again, it is getting stronger. My muscles are coming back.  My flexibility is coming back.  I am not where I was, but soon I will be, I have to keep working at it.

So I owe heaps of thanks to Kymba of Kymberly's Aerial Pole Art and Fitness for sticking with me and showing me the joy in pole again.  While helping me get my butt back in shape.

Why the lack of pole dancing??

Where have my pole dancing posts gone? Well, my kidney has been giving me such trouble, I have had to take a step back. 

It is so frustrating to work so hard and then have to take months off to heal from another surgery or infection.  My kidney is being removed soon and after that happens and I heal- look out pole world here I come.

This is not they way that I wanted things to turn out, but I have exhausted every option with my kidney it is about time to call it a day.

One of the hardest things of this is missing my pole time and my pole friends.  I loved my pole time away.  I miss laughing and seeing them. I can't wait to get back.

Soon. But not too soon.

This is awkward..

Ever since the DCFS kerfuffle this summer, its been really weird in our neighborhood.

Our neighbors who we used to be friends with have not spoken to us since the drama- well the woman at least.  The man and I have spoken cordially a few times but nothing more.  I have tried to speak to the woman and be nice to her but she brushes me off- politely.

Here's the problem.  The other day- my kids were out in the snow playing and we had a gaggle of kids over playing with my kids.  Neighbor kid came out and my kids started to play with her.  My husband- still salty over the incident told our kids that they could not go in neighbor kids yard-- but she was welcome to come over to our yard. The kid just sat in her yard and played alone. It was beyond awkward.

I am dreading summer.  We used to play outside and there was no weirdness- now I am really concerned about the potential weirdness.

Go back to the pole- back to the basics

I had a really bad experience at pole a while ago- it drastically turned me off.  It was not an injury or anything, I just was taken by surprise and my feelings really hurt.  It hurt me so deeply for a while I stopped going to pole for a few weeks.  I felt like the joy had been ripped away from me.

This is not nearly as flat as I want it to be-- but I need to get back into shape.

Thankfully- a great gym offered me a job teaching classes there and allowed me to come and practice there.

I got back on the pole and at first was really grumpy.  I had been away for a bit, had a major surgery, and then a minor surgery.   I hadn't fully come back from the first surgery and with all the time away I was not as strong as usual and certain tricks (some of my favorites) were not working for me.  That is maddening. Absolutely maddening.

But a great person, a great woman, a great poler- talked to me and in the end I had a great time again.  My tricks aren't back yet but soon.  

Pen Envy

I posted a while back about how excited I was to try InkJoy pens.  Pens that were supposed to be amazing-- how often do you see commercials for pens on tv? So I was so excited to get my hands on them.  They were underwhelming.

There was a gritty feeling (I have no idea what to call it- it just feels odd writing) The ink didn't become gooey or anything, it just didn't feel smooth.

I prefer pens that are very glidy my current favorite is a Papermate profile- they are so smooth when writing. They also have a cushy grip thing- all about comfort right?  I have tried and tried to love gel ink pens but as of yet I have not found one that I love.  

Obviously, this is not a real problem but I have some strange fascination with office supplies- specifically pens.   I am always on the hunt for the perfect pen.

I think I found one.  I was in the ER getting ready to be admitted (shocking!) and the admitting person had a fabulous pen!! She said it was a gel pen (cue angels singing), and it was so smooth!!! Here is my issue- all it said on it was PaperMate-- nothing else-- and I can't find them anywhere.  I am going to go nuts looking for the Holy Grail of pens!

Do you have a pen or office supply you love?? Tell me about it.

Pole Patience

Pole is a challenging activity at times.  It is intensely frustrating at times, but so so rewarding.

I have been frustrated when I am having a rough day when I can't stick to the pole.

The other day was one of those days.  Of course it had to be with others in the room, I couldn't just deal with my frustration privately.

Instead I had to deal with it in front of others- it was embarrassing.  I hate to admit it but it was.  I used it as a lesson.

In the end I was to slippy because of my mistake- I had a pedicure before I went poling and the lotion on my legs made sticking impossible.  This is a rookie mistake, one I had never made before.  I'm sure that nearly everyone makes this mistake at least once, it was just my turn.

Oh well, there is always another day. 

Confessions from a pole class

I had another class with and awesome instructor.

We worked on these tricks

and I got them.  First time. Which means I was able to do the dove on the pole and felt super secure.  So AWESOME.

Pole dancing is the unique time that I can go to the studio in a crabby bitchy mood and be able to walk in and feel the weight of the world and all of the things that I am juggling mysteriously disappear.

I also was able to get the superman fall.

The frustrating thing.  Is my wrist was really bugging me on my cartwheels.  Well you can't have everything.  Pole dancing is really a challenging sport.  Give it a try!

Pole Dancing

Did you think I would stay away? NEVER.

My wrist still hurts a bit, and I have had to learn to not put too much stress on it, I also have had to adjust the tricks I can do to respect my wrists limitations- it is frustrating because I am used to being able to will my body to do what I want it to do.  I could always work hard enough and push hard enough I would be able to get my body, or brain, or whatever to bend to my will.

(me stubborn?? NEVER)

But now I have learned and am continuing to learn I need to respect my wrist's boundaries.  Its a process.  I have to regain my strength and flexibility.

I have gotten my Ayesha, pencil, brass monkey, pole sit back.  I and working on my cartwheel balance- I just need time to work on it- stopping when upside down is a challenge and supporting your body on your arms- away from your body.

Last night after a lot of practice I got my Dove back.  Next up- Superman fall.  

I have had a lot of questions about why I keep coming back-- or how.

Here's the thing.  Pole dancing is mine. My time. My thing. I love it.  I am proud of my body.  Even if I never lose another pound or always have some jiggle. My body is pretty amazing.  It has come through hell. Sickness. Injury. Childbirth. And yet. Is pretty great.  That feeling.  That feeling of accomplishment is why I come back.

Feeling connected to myself.  Feeling proud of myself.  Feeling happy. That is why I come back.
I would love to be able to share my absolute passion with other women.  This is one reason I am so proud to be an Ambassador for Tease. 

pinata malfunction

Pinatas have been around for a while... we'll say what 500 years?? (yes I Googled it).

Despite this LONG history- they do not seem to work right- ever.

I, in a rare moment of forethought, decided to get the kind of pinata that the kids pull strings from the bottom and in theory- one of the strings releases the contents of the pinata all over the floor.

It did not seem like a good idea to have a bunch of kids swinging a stick in the house with a lot of people over.  It seemed to be inviting catastrophe.

Well- it didn't work.  One little girl decided that she would cut out the middle man and pull a handful of strings, she is all about efficiency. NOTHING happened.  We adults waited on baited breath for the final ribbons to be pulled, expecting at any moment a payload of treats to come crashing down.  We were disappointed- the last ribbon was pulled and nothing happened.

So I had to tear open the pinata and shake the contents on the crowd of children who, were not that much shorter than I am-- in fact one of them... a 12 year old is taller than am.

There are a couple of problems with the candy pouring into a heap of kids- somehow at least one child gets hurt by the candy falling on him or her-- and--- the smallest kid can sometimes stampeded by excited older kids. 

When you lose it

Face it.  Kids can be frustrating and overwhelming.  I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and irritated.  Its life.

I try not to lose my patience with my kids, but honestly- it is hard.  It is really hard.  There are 5 of them 1 of me, 2 dogs, and 2 cats.  I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

And therein lies the problem.  I am not fighting anything unless I choose to. Nothing really needs to be a fight.

But like all plans- they go awry and sometimes I end up yelling.  So what then?  I want to be a peaceful parent who utilizes non-violent communication.  That sense of failure makes me even more mad and frustrated- which begins a frustration spiral and basically becomes a big mess.

So what gives?

a)  try not to lose your patience,sometimes I end up having a glass of water or walking up and down the driveway to calm myself down until I can address the issue.

b) figure out exactly what is frustrating you.  Is it that the kids are being loud?   Work on addressing the core issue.

c) if you yell- and you very well may.  Apologize.  Humbling yourself in front of your kids teaches them a valuable lesson.  It teaches them that grownups are not perfect, that they are worthy respect, and that grownups care about them

So don't despair if you end up yelling.  Try again.  

The Sock Saga

One of the things that annoy me most are the sighs and grumbles and under the breath mutterings that say so much with out saying a single word.

Today, I called my husband out on it, he does the under breath grumbles quite often.  He used to actually say something picky about it. So maybe this is progress, but whatever-- it bothers me a lot.  I am left feeling like I can do nothing right, or good enough, not a good feeling.

Wait--- for this story to makes sense you need context right?

Our house has a hard time keeping track of lids.  Lids to juice, to water, to anything--- it will get lost.

Last night husband was in the cupboard and noticed the Tylenol, and he noticed the lid was missing from the Tylenol (of course).  He grumbled, grunted, sighed heavily, and with an 'ugh' worthy of a Grand Slam Tennis serve, he shut the door.

I went on with the evening feeling less than, like I could do nothing good enough.  Thus the confrontation.

He defended himself saying that he isn't saying anything.  I countered that it was not what he was saying it was the message that was being put across.

Anyway, to the socks.  He takes off his socks next to the bed. and leaves.them.there. This used to really bother me- I told him so-- that in fact there were his socks on the side of the bed at that very moment and I just had to give it up and make the best of it... not grumble or endure it.  That now instead of grumbling about the socks I just pick them up and toss them down the stairs. No harm. No foul. Life goes on.

He had to walk over to the side of the bed to verify that in fact there were socks on the side of the bed- and that they were HIS socks.. Despite walking over to his side of the bed... noting the presence of the socks-- he did not pick them up.  Instead he just went downstairs. 

Where'd the Pole Go?

I have not been blogging so much about pole lately because I am having a hard time with it.

My pole history in brief:

I started pole in February of 2010. I had to take the majority of the summer of 2010 off because of kidney issues then more time in the fall/winter for 2 major surgeries, asthma issues, and an injured wrist.

All was mostly well until August 2011 when I had wrist surgery and learned Henry would be joining our family.

I went back to pole a few weeks after Henry was born (I resumed classes in April 2012) but had to have kidney surgery (yet again) in July of 2012 this required more time off.

Going to pole has been discouraging and humiliating because I cannot do some of the tricks I took for granted. Monkey Climb? Sure. Shoulder Mount to Pencil? Got it. I could catch on to new tricks with relative ease and incorporate them into my routine without being scared.

Now? Not so much. I feel like I can't put together even what is supposed to be a fun dance- my mind blanks. Tricks that *should* come easy are hard. Opposite side invert? I just got that sucker back.

And I am slippery! I have never been terribly slippery before grip aids were great for new things but usually I didn't need them, now I cannot find a darn grip aid that helps me!

Here is the issue. All of this was really eroding at my self esteem. I would leave class and be angry at myself. I would almost dread class. Pole dancing was not the happy refuge that it was.

I made a decision. I would give up. I suck and there are no two ways around it.

My instructor pointed out that yes I started dancing for 2.5 years but I have not actually been dancing that long. With that time I have had to take off 20 months. So within that 32 month time I have had to miss 18-20 months- and not just miss because work got busy but because I had a baby, multiple surgeries, injuries, it is not like I could just jump back in.

So sure. I can't do somethings now but give me time- I will.

Return to the pole

I am back- kind of.

Today was my first day back after being off for 7 months to have a baby/have wrist surgery.

It was rough. Rougher than I expected. Really really rough.

I am having a hard time with that. I am not used to really struggling with tricks. Climbing was hard. My extra padding was getting in the way, I couldn't remember where to put my feet or my hands... then once I got going it was like I was just beginning again, my foot was sore, to top it all off- once I got up getting down was a pain too!

Shoulder Mounts just were not happening. A trick I loved and was really good at- I couldn't do.

My basic invert is sloppy.

Peter Pan combos: I kept hitting the floor with my outside foot.

Butterfly/extended butterfly- not so great.

and the worst... the most devastating to me was the fact I could not get my top foot on the pole for pole splits.

- I know I had a baby 3 weeks ago, my body has to go back to normal- but it is really hard to accept that right now- and I am resisting pushing to hard-

For a little bit I considered leaving class because it was such a struggle for me and I was getting really frustrated. For a little while I considered quitting all together- because my negative self talk was getting in the way- that I would never be able to do those tricks again, blah blah blah....

It was not the same as my previous class. My previous group had been together for a year. We knew each other. We knew about kids, spouses, troubles, jobs... we cared about each other. We were raunchy and dirty and funny. Our dynamic was incredible. This group is really nice- but I don't know them. I am not comfortable with them. I hope that grows.

Then I remembered a few things. How absolutely fun it is when you get a new trick. How I felt at the beginning of during meditation before Melissa decided to kill my arms.

So what now? I may exercise some at home in my spare time (I mean there is SOOOO much of it!) I am going to focus on the fact that I learned this tricks before, I can do it again. I am going to commit to being thankful that I have an incredible place I can go and laugh hysterically, and not have my identity as someone's mother- someone's wife. (I am totally stuck in that right now- I need to carve out my own identity again) I'll get there. But I'll be back at Tease next week. I see if I can work in some open pole classes to get myself back moving again.