She has a temper on her!

This could have been written about me as a child- but I am writing about my Peas, and I need help.

Peas has really big intense feelings, no matter what they are they are intense. Happy is euphoric, sad is the depths of despair.

This is all well and good until we get to anger and frustration- when it manifests as rage.

The angry takes over and she gets stuck in a rage circle. It spirals and spirals out of control with no way to slow down the inertia or change the direction.  It just has to burn itself out. Which can take a long time (like over an hour long time).

While the tantrums are frustrating and hard to deal with the bigger issue is when she lashes out at her siblings or me.  She throws things, breaks things, hits siblings and me.  This does not happen anywhere but at home, anywhere else I hear what an angel she is; and really she can be, most of the time she is.

Peas is getting bigger and is now big enough to do some actual damage to things or people, so it is imperative we find a solution.

One issue specifically that we struggle with is leaving for school.  If she can't find her shoes (there is a black hole of shoes in our house, I swear- its the only way we could lose so many shoes.) or the particular shoes that she wants to wear, It becomes a Chernobyl level meltdown. There can be kicking, hitting, biting, throwing, any number of things, and talking to her just makes it worse.  It just has to burn itself out.

To protect the other kids, and herself, we put her in her room. If I am sick or recovering from a surgery, I cannot fight with her to get her into her room, because she strong.  And I am at a loss.

Once she has calmed down she feels horrible and is so sorry, embarrassed, and totally apologetic.
I just don't know how to get her to the calm stage faster, with less out of control behavior, and to not act out.

I can completely empathize because I sometimes my feelings are overwhelming too, but I  can't reason with her.  It doesn't work.

Do you have any ideas? What can I do to help the rage spiral.  I hate that is such a struggle for her.

Oh Dear. Utah. Scary. brain dump

This past September was the 15th anniversary of coming back from Utah.  This has been the first year that I have not spent the day curled up in a fetal position waiting for the day to pass.  I actually only realized the date when I had yet another one of my nightmares about Utah.  Yes, I still have them with some regularity.

This morning, I looked at Princess and almost died. She is growing- up, she is not my little girl who chases geese and loves to swing at the park. It dawned on me, when I was her age I was already in the midst of an eating disorder.  A diagnosable eating disorder.

She is such an amazing person, smart, caring, strong, thoughtful, and kind.  I never want her to hurt like that.  I never want her to feel like she is not not enough just as she is.  She is special and unique and fantastic.  How can I protect her from this?  How can I keep her safe from that trip in a fun-house mirror. 

Death with dignity

There is a video has gone viral in which a woman has relocated to Oregon to avail herself of the Death With Dignity statute on the books in that state.

This is a pretty hot button topic.  Should an individual who is terminally ill have the right for request a doctor to request a prescription for a medication that will end their life?

I support this right.  I have not been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I have watched people I love suffer horribly, and yes, I have prayed for their suffering to end.

No one deserves to suffer and spend their last time in pain or dealing with unbelievable anxiety. Illnesses like this can rob a person of everything.  In the small amount of experience I have had dealing health issues- the lack of control is paralyzing. Giving  a little control of their destiny is just and compassionate.  Individuals can choose when they die, surrounded by people who love them. Not alone, in fear, in the hospital.

Life is precious and sacred.  Prolonging life by prolonging suffering is not respecting life it is not protecting the value in a person.

"First do no harm" is a crucial doctrine of medicine.  Is it harmful to make a person suffer? Is alleviating that suffering more important?  The Oregon law does not permit a doctor to administer the drugs to the individual.  They must ingest them themselves. This protects doctors from violating their oath.  Doctors are also not required to write these prescriptions.

There are safe guards to help ensure that people are not coerced, that individuals are competent, that individuals understand what they are doing. It doesn't make it perfect, but it helps.

There was a case of a person who wanted to to continue his fight and pursue more treatment, but his insurance declined to pay for it and instead offered only palliative/hospice care up to and including death with dignity.  This is horrible.  This is a decision that an individual needs to make on there own, not because of an insurance companies assessment of value.  This is one of my primary concerns with this law. No one but the individual affected should have a say in when enough is enough.  Different people will have different lines in the sand as where that is.

In a perfect world cancer wouldn't happen or be able to be cured with relative ease.  As that is not the case a person needs to have the right to protect their dignity.

I am not in this situation, but people who are need to have this choice. It is not the right choice for everyone and that is fine. We are all individuals and one size does not fit all.

There are lot of people who say this is against their beliefs and that is okay, one persons beliefs should not dictate another's rights.

Many more prescriptions have been written under the Death With Dignity law than have been used.  Suggesting, that having that piece of mind and sense of control is extremely important as well.

Anxiety in my head

Do you have anxiety?  I do.

Living with anxiety is like living in a pressure cooker.  My thoughts race so fast that I can't put words to them or slow them down long enough to even breath.  My heart races, breathing quickens, and muscles tense- and that is an average day- being engulfed in a sense of terror for no reason feeling like I could lose my mind and jump out of my skin. 

When I found my current doctor, I was suffering from this pretty acutely.  Thankfully, this was an easy one for him to pin down and immediately started me on meds to help calm my mind.  I do not advocate going on medications for every little thing, but there are times when they are necessary.  Sometimes it is a short term thing sometimes it is a long term one, which ever it is- its ok.

People should not feel stigmatized because they are sick.  Whether the sick is a brain thing or a kidney thing or whatever.  It is no ones fault.  Sick is just sick- and sick people need care- not judgement. So I will be very open about my experiences- maybe so others will not feel stigmatized or alone.

When I started the meds and they started working, it was like my head was quieter.  My brain and thoughts slowed to what must be a normal speed. It was amazing to feel that.  Is this what normal people feel like all the time?  I could sit still, I didn't twitch.  I could sleep.  It was like someone stopped pressing fast forward in my head.

Now, especially during stressful times I have break through anxiety and I need to tweak my meds and work on meditation a bit more but now more than ever I don't feel a fight or flight response when the doorbell rings.

I am kinda surprised it took this long

I am open about my pole dancing.  It empowers me as well as makes is a fabulous workout.

A friend of my daughter is trying to stir up trouble with other kids and adults by telling them I pole and how inappropriate it is. 

My daughter knows that it is not in appropriate and is fabulous - but I am sorry she is dealing with a kid who wants to stir the pot.

I am not surprised it is happening-  I am surprised that its happening in this way- with a kid.

Which complicates things.  If it were an adult- I could address it with her, discussing the full details of what I do versus the 'inappropriate' things.

Leave my kids alone, thanks!

I took my kids to the zoo today with some friends- while there we stopped at a playground and some lady was hanging around Pixie watching to make sure she did not fall.

I tend towards the more attachment parenting, natural consequences, free range parenting.

Pixie- is a very competent kid.  She can climb almost anything.  I call her my mountain goat. She is confident in her abilities and is surprisingly skilled! But she would not have gotten that way had I hovered over her.

Pixie was, quite capably, climbing up a climbing wall to a play structure.  Sure, they have fallen, skinned knees, bruises and a little banged up.  She has however learned her limits.  She has learned she is capable.  

I was watching- from the side though, if she needed me, I would be there. 

Pixie can do all of these things because no one has told her she 'can't'  You'd be amazed what kids can do when you let them.

Natural consequences allows her to learn a cause and effect relationship of her choices and it gives her a sense of efficacy in her world.

This woman though was just shadowing her.  I understand it was coming from a place of concern.  Is there a polite way to say something?

Attatchment Parenting--ahead of the fashion

So Attachment Parenting is the new thing.

Celebrities are doing it.  It is 'in' to babywear (in a non crotch-dangler), it is in to co-sleep (or bed-share), breastfeeding is cool now, cloth diapers are stylish, gentle parenting is the new rule, milk sharing is more mainstream, crying it out is out, and listening to our instincts is replacing listening to experts.

Thank goodness.

I am always behind the times.  Like terribly behind the times- on this though I am thrilled (and proud) that I was ahead of the curve- maybe the only time I have ever been 'ahead of my time'.

When I would wear my now 8 year old because she liked to cuddle, I would be told that she needed to learn to self soothe.  She couldn't learn to self sooth unless I showed her and made her feel safe.

When we opted out of most baby proofing in favor of being with the kids and watching them or just putting things away (like in storage, away)  that could be broken or injure them (like choosing green cleaning products--- goooooo vinegar!) I was told that my kids would be injured, poisoned, or whatever.  Thus far, no one has died and my children are learning to use their bodies adeptly-  I am usually observing ready to step in if there is an issue, but usually I let them be.

When we did extended breastfeeding with Stinky- I felt I needed to hide it.  I am proud that I have been able to nurse my kids for a long time.  We have an amazing bond and the benefits of breastfeeding are undeniable.

When we let Peas set her own pace for things instead of pushing her, I was told that I was doing her a dis-service.  Peas is an amazing girl- but stubborn.  Pushing her would prevent or delay her growing into the awesome kid she is.

When Pixie lived on my chest for months because she was happiest there, I was told she needed to be on her own or she'd have a hard time walking.  She walked at 9 mos.

When Little Dude crawls around the house that has not been sanitized I have been told he will get sick.  Actually- his immune system will be stimulated and learn to respond to threats.  By nursing him I am giving him a boost, but for your body to make antibodies- it first needs to be exposed to the bug.

Now, it seems that my weird parenting style is becoming more mainstream and people are seeing the benefits of it- yay!

Our instincts are there for a reason. Listen to them (use reason and good judgment too, of course, but our instincts are to care for and protect our babies by keeping them close).

(and as a post script- I just have to say it----- I told you so.)

Must discuss options

Last week, Princess and I were discussing what she wanted to be when she grew up.
She said she wanted to be a mother. Okay...well.. I resisted the urge to say, "is that it??" as I know full well being a mother can be a damn hard job.

However, I do not her to feel like she is limited. She can be whatever she darn well pleases.

For a moment it felt like I had failed her as a mom and feminist. After re-framing my thoughts and seeing them in the light that feminism- to me- is about choice- that a person can chose to do what they want- not be hemmed in. So she has the freedom to choose and the ability to do whatever she wants. That is key. Heck she is only 7, she could easily change her mind many many times.