Oh Immune System Where Are You? And Lungs??? Knock it off.

When I was a kid. I was sick almost constantly. Whenever I got anything it would go live in my lungs for a while. It was my normal for my mom or dad to spend the night or take shifts in my room holding me up so I could breathe. It was normal to cough until I vomited. It was normal to take more meds than an elderly person. This was my normal. Staying in when it was too cold. Swallowing pills as a preschooler-- all my normal.

My lungs still suck and whenever I get sick- it goes to my lungs and lives there, for what seems to be forever. I still cough with enough force that I sometimes throw up. But it is not as bad as it was-- by a lot. Now, after I am sick for a few days and coughing my stomach hurts! As a kid my stomach muscles were so strong- all the coughing in the world would not make me sore.

As previously discussed- I have an eating disorder, I am maintaining my weight (sometimes white knuckling it) but there is the aftermath of the time that I was in the midst of it.  My immune system is one thing that was pretty much destroyed.  And it sucks being sick.  My normal is sick. The good thing is my kids have great immune systems and usually act as Typhoid Mary.  I'd much rather be sick than them.

Because, looking back, I cannot imagine the frustration, helplessness, and desperation when I was sick so much that my parents felt. When my kids are sick, I would literally give my left arm to take it for them.  How many times have parents prayed to which ever G-d they choose to please please please let them take whatever is ailing their kids.

And it took me being a parent for me to see how much my parents must have begged for the same.  Let them take the bad tasting medicine. Let them stay up all night coughing. Let them get stuck again. Anything...just make the kid better.

So, thanks Mom and Dad for staying up with me so many nights.  Taking me to endless doctors. Cleaning up when I threw up. Waiting in boring hospitals for another chest x-ray to be read. For teaching me to swallow pills.  For convincing me to take the bad tasting medicine- even the truly awful stuff.

I can't imagine what you went through- but thank you for doing everything you could.

I keep forgetting this....

I used to be good at updating when anything happened... maybe not everyday but weekly.... and well- I forgot.

The kids are great. They are always great. Well-- ok not always, but a lot of the time they are great.

Princess is growing up--- and this is not ok. She was my baby- the little preemie who brought me back down.

Stinky is actually starting to smell now that he is 10.

Peas? is Peas. Enough said.  Seriously though- I worry about her. A lot. I see so much of me in her- that I want to grab her and say "its alright.  Even if things don't go the way you want--- it is alright they'll turn out in the end.

Pixie is in school full time and she is smarter than I care to admit. She figures things out so quickly watching her brain work is amazing.

LittleDude is not so little anymore.  Totally potty trained-- day and night *I swear he has only had 2 overnight accidents- no, don't know how that happened either...it just did.

I'm here. Learning. Trying.. and not always succeeding.

Feelings are hard for me, I feel so disconnected from them- at least my feelings--- other people? I feel their feelings deeply.

it has been a long time huh?

I used to write pretty regularly right?

And then I kind of disappeared? So what then heck?

A lot.

When B got hurt, and I had my hip surgery, I got kind of thrown. Then my kidney acted up and spend lots of time in the hospital and fell into a depression and anxiety that just couldn't lift.

Sure-- B didn't help one of the more cutting things that he said that still sticks with me was, "normal people aren't this sick" I needed to get it together- like this was my choice or my fault. It really hurt and was very cutting..  If I could get my body to cooperate I would in a heartbeat.

Then horrible news-- I carry the BRCA1 gene and hysterectomy. So more surgery.  More kidney.  More depression-- and so much went to hell.

I felt like I was holding my life together with string and a prayer.  I didn't even have pole to fall back on.

My blog has always been kind of open about my struggle with mental illness so I feel I should be frank about this too.  It was hard.  And  I made the biggest mistake than anyone could make. I went off my meds--- stupid I know.  So stupid.  I felt initially like maybe my brain could figure itself out and I wouldn't need meds to regulate my brain chemistry. I'd go off my anti-anxiety meds-- but I won't dare go off of blood thinners.... why do I give blood thinners so much more importance than my mental health? I am back on my meds.  Things are normalizing.

Depression and anxiety are beasts-- they just follow and sneak up when I am not expecting it.

In a nutshell that is where I have been.

Little boy/big boy

Now I take pictures of LittleDude almost every night when he nurses to sleep.  One of these times it will be the last time that he snuggles to sleep and looks for my cuddles overnight. Soon one day, my milk will not be the thing that he needs to soothe his owies or mend his broken heart.

There of course are frustrations, when I want him to just go to bed.... to stop following me around, but he is my last little baby, so I am really trying to to focus on snuggling and enjoying every moment I can, because one time- it will be memories.

I love my little ones, and this is different, because I usually had delivered another baby by this time and had my time divided between a new baby and a three year old toddler.

Its hard not to have another baby, it is hard to know that this is my last snuggle bug, and I don't like it.  Being a mother has been such a huge part of my life- leaving this stage is a struggle for me.  What will it look like?  Will I still be needed? Loved? How will we navigate this?

A huge part of me hopes that this is not my last baby, I don't feel done. My heart aches for more nursing time, for more baby-wearing time, for more singing, and feeling a baby move in my womb

Princess and her Sister

Princess has a best friend- she has been best friends with this girl since the first day of kindergarten.  They met on the playground and never looked back.

At first it was playdates supervised by parents-- making sure they were sharing- and being nice.  It evolved into talks on the phone and sleepovers.  Now they text-- and rove from one house to another like a pair of hungry bandits. 

It has evolved from a friendship to sisterhood.  They bicker like sisters, but love each other.  They squabble and just as soon as I have figured out what happened they are begging to see each other.

Watching them together is wonderful, I love knowing that Princess has someone (and a spare set of parents) to look out for her- love her- and support her. 

I am so thankful to the family who we love and consider our family.  Princess's friend and her family are included in our family activities- because family is more than just relatives.

Princess and her sister(friend) will remain friends forever, I bet.  They have already supported and seen each other through some tough times- with grace and care that I could use a lesson in.  They also share joy and hope- and everything that tween girls should- the giggles and the smiles. 

To Friend's family-- thank you for loving our Princess.  We love you and your family dearly.  We are deeply thankful.

Its been quiet around here huh?

Well--- sometimes no news is good news, sometimes no news is just busy, and sometimes, no news means my kidney is up to trickery and I am having hard time accepting it.

I got sick in June.  Like I do, I wished it away, figured that it was stress and it would get better.  I went to the doctor after a few days and he gave me antibiotics and all was well.  A few days later, I couldn't keep anything down.  Even the Zofran for nausea. So went to the ER. After waiting a year and a day the doc took one look at me and admitted me.  She seriously didn't even run labs first. 

7 days.  7 days on IV antibiotics to kick this infection.

Home for a few days. 

Then sick again. 


This time with scary bacteria.  My kidney does a go big or go home thing apparently-- and it goes big.

So now I am on antibiotics-- they make me very very tired and have some other fun side effects. Also learned today that I will need to investigate some funky stuff on my ovaries further.

But........

I am ok. My kids are great, having a wonderful summer. B is wonderful. life is beautiful

Right now, I can be awake for about 2 hours before I need to sleep again, so I will write more when I have more energy.

Horrible Nightmare

Last week I had to go to the doctor for my hip.  While I was there, something horrific happened.

B was badly injured training at a live fire drill.

One minute we were texting each other about my hip, he said that he had to go drill, next thing I know my phone was going crazy as he had fallen trying to force open door as part of their training. When he fell he broke his leg.

Seeing the text that he was hurt but not knowing what was happening was terrifying. Not being able to help was frustrating.

As a mother, my job is to fix things. Make things better.  There is nothing that I can do to help him. Nothing I can do to make it better.  All I could do was go there and be there.

The break was bad enough and in a place that required surgery, I have had a lot of surgery, but waiting for someone to have surgery is something I have less experience with.  Sitting there, watching the screen with his case--- waiting for screen to advance to "surgery complete".

B's job has always scared me- I love and respect what he does, but it scares me.  Because he could so quickly be injured. Nothing is a guarantee.  Every time we talk we end it with "I love you, be safe".  I will not let him off the phone until he replies "I always am".

It has been hard for the kids- he is like superman.  He comes and fixes things and saves the day. His job is actually to save people.  He is not here a lot but when he is he is fantastic with them.  No one gets a better welcome than when daddy gets here.

Truth be told, I am a little jealous about how the kids are so interested in helping him. When I get hurt or have surgery nothing changes, the requests keep coming: "mama what's for dinner??" "where is my shirt?" B gets hurt--- totally different story- they are all over him helping.  Which, honestly is good.  He is dad- and a pretty darn awesome one.

Seeing the message that B was hurt was the most horrifying thing. My stomach dropped a million miles, I started sweating, I was sick to my stomach.  He annoys the crap out of me and irritates me beyond belief, but I love him.

When the doctor told me that he did need surgery, I got light headed--- and its not my leg! A doctor can tell me I need surgery and that is fine, I can deal, but not someone I care about, that makes it scary!

I do have new respect for what B had to endure in the waiting room for me- my surgeries were much longer and I have no idea how he managed.  Being the one unconscious is much much easier.

When he is better, I will have to find something new to say other than "I love you, be safe" because much like the kids-- he clearly doesn't listen.

I am thankful that he will heal.  I am thankful for my sister who saved the day. I am thankful.

Flashback to my grandmother

B's grandfather is elderly (duh) and not exactly in the best health. Recently, he has had to spend sometime at a nursing home to get back on his feet. 

We went to visit him.

Nursing homes must all be about the same. We walked in signed in and followed the signs to his room. 

In a heartbeat, I was back with my grandmother on a hot summer day instead of a winter one.  I did not anticipate this. Maybe I should have. 

My vision shifted, my ears roared, and my heart pounded.  It was just like my grandmother. B's grandfather's room was at the end of the hallway, and that hall went on forever.  Each step moving us backwards instead of forwards.

She has not been gone for very long, only 18 months, but still, I think of her daily.  I made her fudge for the holidays. I looked at her needle work and admired it.

My grandmother was pretty darn great, and I miss her.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

Last week was a really sad week.

A teacher at Pixie's pre-school died suddenly, which is devastating for little ones.

We also lost a dear family member- Scotty- a super sweet horse who was loved by all who knew him.

Scotty was not our horse- but we loved him like he was. When ever we would visit the barn his head would pop over the stall and he would great everyone with a kind nicker.  He was very sick, but he was always a little carrot hog.  The Wednesday before he died we were in the arena and he followed me around insisting on carrots.

Scotty was especially loved by LittleDude. Since Scotty was sick- he couldn't be ridden, LittleDude was light enough that he could sit on Scotty's back.  He would lean over and pat Scotty saying, "My Scotty."  The horse had more people who loved him than a lot of people. He was always kind and always gentle- he let the little ones lead him and he was patient when they brushed him.

His mom and owner sure had a special boy and watching them interact was a gift.  It was clear their bond was deep.  He  would have followed her to the ends of the Earth and she would have given him the moon.

When it was clear that there was nothing that could be done to 'fix' him- she dedicated herself to giving him the best life she could-- and that horse had it good!

Last week, when he was in too much pain, his time had come- and she gave him the last thing she could: and end to pain.  As we waited in the stall for the vet- we covered Scotty with blankets- so he would be warm, and while we sat with him- he smelled the carrots in my pocket and insisted on having them. His last hour was spent surrounded by his family, warm, safe, loved and snacking on his favorite treats.

The barn seemed empty after that.  I miss his gentle eyes and welcoming nicker.  Jessie, his wife- took it well.  Animals are smarter than we give them credit for.

Enjoying the hand prints

Last night I was wiping off the cabinets from the day's messy fingers.

And I realized- that I will not have little hand prints to clean up for that much longer. LittleDude is getting bigger and once in a while decides to use the potty.  My days with diapers, nursing, cuddling, cutting up food, and wiping off hand prints are numbered.

My grandmother loved when my kids would visit her.  I was always very conscious of them not making a mess at her home.  Once, Pixie went up to her window and put her hands firmly on the glass leaving two perfect hand prints.  I went to get the cleaner to wipe them off and she told me to leave them.

Later, I was told that she probably loved looking at them. My grandmother could clean house and insisted that things be orderly (I did not inherit this gene)- so it really showed me how important enjoying the kids when they are little is.  I am not always good at this, but I should be more focused, I am so very grateful. 

She really is just a kid

The kids have had to learn a lot of hard lessons about life since I was sick.

They have had to learn that sometimes even mothers get sick.  That sometimes as much as we want them too things just don't go as planned.   This summer has been great as I have not been sick much at all and have had lots of time to spend playing with kids and enjoying the summer.

A lot of times they are incredibly mature.  They are compassionate and empathetic to everyone.  Which, sometimes leads me to forget that they really are just little kids.

Then they do something that just reminds me that they really are just kids.  Most recently, this was the ice cream truck.

All of their maturity in the world goes right out the window the second they hear the ice cream truck.

The fun of childhood is pretty great.

Feed the birds (ducks- in this case)

Today we had a lot of fun-- and spent a whole $1.31.

We fed the ducks.

It was awesome. Every once in a while I bring the kids to a local park to feed the birds and ducks.  Last time we did it,  LittleDude was terrified of the geese and ducks- they were giants to him.

This time he loved it he laughed and squealed- and he wasn't the only one! We all did! Even a woman walking in the park stopped to video tape the fun.

We got out of the car waled towards the pond as we did, the ducks figured out what was happened and came over.  Even a mama duck brought her babies to see us.  The kids gleefully threw food to them and laughed and giggled at their antics. 

Soon the geese figured out what was happening- and came over to have a snack.  The geese were not nice to the ducks and the kids defended the ducks!

Here are Pixie, Peas, and LittleDude feeding the ducks- the mama duck was right there with her babies. 

Now LittleDude quacks like a duck in addition to his other animal sounds. 

So much fun! I am so thankful to spend this time with them.

Canon in D

I had all of my music on "shuffle" today; which if anyone listened to it they would think I have several personalities- everything from classical, to opera, to hip hop (and more- I think I have things from every genre on my ipod. 

Canon in D came on and I immediately got goosebumps.  I turned it up and let myself sit and go remember.  This was the song my sister walked down the aisle to be married with. 

I really did not want her to get married.  Change is not easy for me, and her getting married would be a huge change.  My sister is several years older than me, and while I never had a traditional sister relationship with her, I love her fiercely.  I felt somewhat safe with her, not like I had to play a mental chess game. I idolized her and saw how much my parents loved her and respected her and was (am) jealous. I could never be her.  I could never be as good at (insert something here) as she is. My father told me I would never hold a candle to her - maybe when I was 7 or 8... and I carried that around with me forever as a reminder that she would always outrank me. There was a photo of her with her violin and I slept with it because I wanted to be just like her. Desperately, I wanted to make my parents proud of me, like they were of her and I always fell short. Always.. As an adult that is hard, but as a child it was crushing.

So here getting married felt again like I wasn't good enough to have her as a sister- that she wanted to be with someone else, and I was so hurt.

On her wedding day she was beautiful.  She was radiant, glowing and so in love.. just what a bride should be. 

Its been over 20 years since then and she is still amazing.  I have not lost my sister- we have grown closer now that we have somethings in common. She has three great kids and is an inspiration to me as a mother and a wife-  more than a few times I have thought to myself "what would my sister do?" before saying something or doing something that would be rash. 

The song still makes me cry and gives me goosebumps though.

And she really was the most beautiful bride.

So Skylar is 10 and sentimentality

Yesterday Princess turned 10.  How on earth did that happen? I swear last week We were taking her home from the hospital.  Se has grown from a 3 pound wonder to an amazing beautiful young lady on the cusp of becoming woman.

I am so proud to be her mother- and I sincerely hope I have not screwed up too much.

Every year since I was a little girl my mom made me a cake, yellow with chocolate frosting- per my request. My children also get to make their cake requests- and Princess requested the same.

During the day I made her cake and as I was doing it- I remembered my grandmother.  It is a family tradition to put tooth picks in the cake- whoever found one got a wish.  As I pressed the toothpicks into the cake, I remembered my excitement with my cousins and siblings over finding a toothpick.

Mostly I remembered the story-- the same story I have told to my kids about the cake.  I hope that they will carry on the tradition with their children- carrying on part of her legacy.

I miss my grandmother, I miss her everyday. But this makes me feel connected to her- a way part of her can live on.

You don't have to like everyone, but you have to be nice.

Or do you?

There seem to be a few different schools of thought on this.  On person in particular comes to mind.  Given the fact that s/he is in his/her mid to late twenties and will be stuck interacting for the foreseeable future- I would expect politeness.  To be honest, I am not this persons biggest fan either but I refuse to be anything less than nice.

To be honest, this person has hurt me a lot.  I am not saying I am blameless.  It has been more than 10 years since I acted like an idiot though- and I have apologized and totally changed my behavior. I don't even feel like I can tell anyone who this person is without causing more drama than may be worth it. I just wish someone would see how this person acts and address it- without me having to be involved (yes-  I know this is totally ridiculous.)

So what do you do when some people just refuse to be have like adults? Short of sinking to their level What is the best option? I could 'get even' but I don't want to.  Whats the point? Then we have 2 people acting like idiots.

As it stands I am very hesitant to allow my children or myself around this individual, but short of directly saying "your acting like a nutcase I don't want to be around you, and I don't want you around my kids?" what is there too do?





There needs to be a flow chart for this.

My unbroken heart

My right kidney is a pain. This is established. It has finally reached the point that it is safer to have it removed than to keep it.  Between infections, obstructions, pain it is better to get it out.

I went for my pre surgical clearance and my doctor did an EKG, I expected it to be fine; thought it was overkill and said that. 

It did not come back ok.  I had inverted T waves.  These have many different causes some really bad, some not so bad, and some benign entirely.  I was sent to a cardiologist and had a stress echo.  Again, expected this to show all was well. It didn't.  By this time I was terrified.

One of the things I have said many times, that if I had to have a an organ system with problems I am thankful that its my kidneys.  There are a lot of options for kidney issues- and if it progresses terribly, dialysis is an option (I am no where near that) but its nice to know it's there. Hearts are more scary. 

Of course having anxiety did not make this any easier. Panic was my constant companion.  Of course I went to the worst case scenario.. over and over.  I couldn't have a heart problem.  I am too healthy. Not possible. OMG, my kids, I was terrified of well, potentially dying. Obviously this was ridiculous, but it is how my brain works.

Tuesday I had a nuclear cardiac scan.  I was told if there was something wrong I would not be going home, but heading to the Cath Lab.  The doctors said it was more concerning because I have the clotting issues.

The doctor was very considerate, knowing that I was scared, was compassionate and read the test right away. There was no evidence of disease. I am fine. Cleared for surgery.  No cardiac issues.

My surgery was delayed, and I have to get a new date, and that is annoying.

Just Joy

Little Dude is an extremely happy boy (except of course when he is unhappy, the look out world).

Today I was just thinking about how genuinely joyful he is and how much I have learned from his contagious joy.

A few weeks ago we went to an indoor water park and I have never seen anyone so excited.  His whole body literally trembled with glee.  When I would get ready to put him down his little legs were already running.  When he smiles his whole body smiles.  Like pure happiness just exudes from him.  He claps, jumps, and squeals as happiness just cannot be contained in his body anymore.

Even everyday things he finds so much to be happy about, playing with his cars, building a tower and knocking it over.. nothing is to mundane.  Whenever music is on he is dancing.  He has quite a set of moves!  His imagination is limitless he puts on capes and flies around the house with lightening speed.  LittleDude does not really walk places.  He runs. And jumps.  If there is a puddle he must jump in it.  If there is a something that looks intriguing it must be explored. Balls are thrown, furniture (and everything climbed) the world is an adventure.  I wonder what goes through his head. 

LittleDude will grab my hand and pull me to something he wants to show me.  He will run and jump into my arms with total faith that I will catch him.  Then throw his body onto me in a hug that can melt anyone, squeezing with his arms around me.  These greetings do not happen after I have been away for days, hours, or even minutes.  It could be he was just happy to see me in the living room.
When I sit down on the floor he often runs and grabs a story and then backs into my lap (really the backing into my lap to sit is the most adorable thing ever) and we read. 

When he wants to breastfeed (yes, at nearly 2 years old he nurses), he'll grab my hand and lead me to our spot for some cuddles and milk.  He'll hug me and play with my hair, gazing into my eyes while we just can soak up the moment. Until he decides to be silly and playfully bite or pull my hair (all in good fun).

Outside is always fun.  When the big kids start suiting up to go play in the snow he follows suit.  He knows his snow pants and how to put them on, he waits patiently for his boots (which he finds and brings over), coat, and mittens.  But he puts his hat on himself.  That is one way he tells you he is ready to go outside: he goes to the door and puts on his hat.

LittleDude loves animals.  You may think with so many of them being so much larger than he is he may be scared, but he isn't he loves the dogs and gives them treats and pets.  They return his adoration.  The cats tolerate him. Going to see the horses is super fun.  He loves to brush them, give them treats, and ride.  The horses also are so gentle with  him  it is shocking. When they gently take a carrot from him and he squeals with excitement, often he is met with a nicker of affection.

At night he sleeps with me.  We go to bed and he snuggles in for some milky, and adjusts a bit to get comfortable.  Usually he'll end up half on top of my chest with his ear on my heart and his fingers in my hair. I can smell his unique scent and drink the time in.  I complain a lot about this sometimes, but truth of it is, I love the closeness with him.  I love watching him smile in his sleep, his eyes dance with dreams.  I love being there if he wakes up scared so I can comfort him. 

All of this joy and happiness have taught me to see the miracles in the small things.  Feel the joy in the smallest things.  Allowing myself to get super excited and not feel embarrassed about it.  To take more time to experience life instead of racing through it.

Mani Pedi time!

Princess and I do not get a lot of time one on one.  Well, I don't get a lot of time one on one with anyone.. except Scooter (aka little dude). So I make an effort to get out with them one on one.  Last night was Princess's turn.

We went to get our nails done- I got a pedicure, a no chip manicure, and a brow wax.  Princess had a manicure and a pedicure.  It is amazing what cleaned up eyebrows do for you.

Our time was really relaxing we had a chance to chat and just be together.  She picked cute colors for her nails and enjoyed getting pampered.  They ladies were kind and so patient with her, she got cute designs put on her nails. 

Typically, I get maybe 3 pedicures a year, and no manicures--they wear off to fast with my life, but after talking to a bunch of friends I decided to give the no chip one a go. It was a long process! But, I am happy with it.  With normal manicures, already, less than 24 hours after getting it, it is already falling apart- this one looks good.

My kidney was really painful during this but it was so very worth it.  I need to get a chance to hang out with my kids.  I am their mother but I am also their friend.  By spending one on one time with them, I can keep our relationship close and intact so they know they can come to me with anything.  I will not stand in judgement- I will support them.

We had a good time, and next week its Stinky's turn,  his choice: Chuck E Cheese.

I think I figured it out....

The entire DCFS thing really has thrown me off balance as a mom and person.  I am angry.  Betrayed. Sad.

My sister and my friends were offended and offended for me. I found this comforting.  Like I wasn't nuts for feeling so upset. It was validating.  Typically, I have a really hard time judging my reactions to make sure they are appropriate, if I am more hurt than is reasonable etc.  This validation was very useful to me.

I had to figure out why I am still upset over this- why I still have to resist the urge to yell at my neighbor and question what on earth she was thinking, how could she even think that of me and my family.  I am not perfect. I am a flawed person and flawed mother.  I am human.  But, I think I am a good mother.  I love my children more than I can explain.  I am proud of the way I have chosen to parent them.  I am proud of the way they are growing. I am proud of us. The DCFS thing was cutting because it was essentially saying I am not a good parent.  It has not been easy for us for the past few years.  I have had health struggles, we have a lot of kids.  But I'll be damned if my children are not at the forefront of my mind with every choice I make. 

Virtually Connected

When I was little--- you know a hundred years or so ago (my son asked me if we had electricity when I was born), computers did not connect to the internet- there wasn't an internet to connect to, your mail came to your house, you had a phone in the house that everyone shared, no cell phones, not texting, none of it. 
If I went somewhere, I'd leave a note on the counter, so would my parents, I also had an emergency quarter to call home with if I needed too- for a payphone. 

The phone most often used was in the kitchen and it had a long cord so you could walk all around the kitchen and still talk- but the phone itself was mounted on the wall. If someone called while the phone was in use- they got a busy signal (remember those?? I don't think my kids have ever heard one).

My mom would spend a lot of time talking to her friends on the phone chatting.  I don't.

The point of this is to discuss whether with all of out social media connections- we are more or less connected to others than before- because personally- I feel lonely- despite 600 facebook friends, 1000 twitter followers, and a house full of kids.

So with all of this connectedness how are we less close to others than we were 20 years ago?

Here are my thoughts:

My mom would chat for a while with just a few people- not 500.  But with those few people she was very open and had great support.

So while I chat on Facebook with a huge crowd- I am not open.  I am not giving of my deepest my real self- I lost touch with that long a go.

When talking on the phone or visiting in person, you can tell a lot about what a person is not saying by tone, inflection, or word choice.  How many huge fights have been started on the internet because of a comment that was said as a joke but the reader took it seriously (why we need a sarcasm font).

My mom actually saw the people she visited with.  They would sit and have tea together while the other kids and I played.

I am not saying that all tech is bad- I love video chatting with my kids when I can't be there- but it is just not the same as actually being there- iPads are great- but they kind of suck at hugs (said with sarcasm).

So, in some ways new technology brings us together- but in others it drives us apart- we can become isolated in our homes not venturing out to actually see people or have any real interactions..

All of the Facebook and text "I love you" messages in the world will not hold a candle to a great big hug from my husband and a kiss to tell me I am loved.

I am going to really make an effort to have real interactions with people in the coming months- not just virtual ones.

Hold me to it please.

Do you feel less connected or lonely despite the incredible technology out there??