it has been a long time huh?

I used to write pretty regularly right?

And then I kind of disappeared? So what then heck?

A lot.

When B got hurt, and I had my hip surgery, I got kind of thrown. Then my kidney acted up and spend lots of time in the hospital and fell into a depression and anxiety that just couldn't lift.

Sure-- B didn't help one of the more cutting things that he said that still sticks with me was, "normal people aren't this sick" I needed to get it together- like this was my choice or my fault. It really hurt and was very cutting..  If I could get my body to cooperate I would in a heartbeat.

Then horrible news-- I carry the BRCA1 gene and hysterectomy. So more surgery.  More kidney.  More depression-- and so much went to hell.

I felt like I was holding my life together with string and a prayer.  I didn't even have pole to fall back on.

My blog has always been kind of open about my struggle with mental illness so I feel I should be frank about this too.  It was hard.  And  I made the biggest mistake than anyone could make. I went off my meds--- stupid I know.  So stupid.  I felt initially like maybe my brain could figure itself out and I wouldn't need meds to regulate my brain chemistry. I'd go off my anti-anxiety meds-- but I won't dare go off of blood thinners.... why do I give blood thinners so much more importance than my mental health? I am back on my meds.  Things are normalizing.

Depression and anxiety are beasts-- they just follow and sneak up when I am not expecting it.

In a nutshell that is where I have been.

Challenges

I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

Right now I am at my wits end with Peas. 

She is so intense and that is a struggle for us.  As passionate as she is when she is happy, she is just as intense when she is angry or frustrated. I am having a hard time dealing with her frustration and anger.

Sometimes it seems like she cannot contain herself and lashes out at her siblings.  As much as sibling squabbles are a part of life, I don't know how to work with her when she gets stuck in that loop.  I have to just wait for the loop to wear itself out and try and contain her.  I need a way help her refocus and calm down, but I don't know what that is. 

I see just how intense her feelings are and she is really just along for the ride and it can be scary for her too. Does anyone have any advice for me?

Go back to the pole- back to the basics

I had a really bad experience at pole a while ago- it drastically turned me off.  It was not an injury or anything, I just was taken by surprise and my feelings really hurt.  It hurt me so deeply for a while I stopped going to pole for a few weeks.  I felt like the joy had been ripped away from me.

This is not nearly as flat as I want it to be-- but I need to get back into shape.

Thankfully- a great gym offered me a job teaching classes there and allowed me to come and practice there.

I got back on the pole and at first was really grumpy.  I had been away for a bit, had a major surgery, and then a minor surgery.   I hadn't fully come back from the first surgery and with all the time away I was not as strong as usual and certain tricks (some of my favorites) were not working for me.  That is maddening. Absolutely maddening.

But a great person, a great woman, a great poler- talked to me and in the end I had a great time again.  My tricks aren't back yet but soon.  

Sometimes the truth is hard to face

I used to pride myself on not being racist.  Then one day I had to face a really uncomfortable truth.  I am racist.  I am not color blind. My experiences as a white girl from the Chicago suburbs have impacted my worldview- I certainly do not believe that black (African American people are (insert negative adjective here).  I think we are all people- but I have to admit- even though it pains me to do so- that I have certain privileges that others do not.

One day, someone I don’t know questioned if one of the women I look up to most in the world for her intelligence, her pride, her willingness to discuss any topic honestly was called racist. 

Admittedly, I know absolute crap about the day to day experiences of black Americans- and I was (and am) concerned that I would stick my foot in my mouth again, or that my words as a white woman would not carry weight. Still I said something.

I said (typed) that my friend is not racist.  She is proud of her heritage (as she should be) angry that white do-gooders so often co-opt her very real day to day experiences in a self-serving manner, “Look at all of the good we are doing for these poor black folks” and it is crap. Complete and total bullshit. 

Honestly, I know exceptionally little about African cultures or day to day experiences of an average black person.  What I do know is that they are justified in their anger.  I know they do not need my help- they are quite capable.

What little I do know about African culture is amazing and beautiful.  Their cultures (the very few that I have learned about) have innate power, beauty, and incredible authenticity.   The last thing they need is my help.  White people have scripted Africa as a whole and people of color as marginalized people who require the saving of white people.  That is NOT true.  They do not need saving- they need to stop having this stupid script played over and over!

What I can do is to work in my community to help heal the wounds that we caused and continue to cause.  I can share within my community my respect for the black experiences, and help my community to realize that we really messed up- then hopefully work to earn the black community’s trust back.

I can never ‘get’ it though, saying otherwise is the worst kind of dishonest.

Let me be clear I do not hate black people (African American), Hispanic people, or anyone.

I think I figured it out....

The entire DCFS thing really has thrown me off balance as a mom and person.  I am angry.  Betrayed. Sad.

My sister and my friends were offended and offended for me. I found this comforting.  Like I wasn't nuts for feeling so upset. It was validating.  Typically, I have a really hard time judging my reactions to make sure they are appropriate, if I am more hurt than is reasonable etc.  This validation was very useful to me.

I had to figure out why I am still upset over this- why I still have to resist the urge to yell at my neighbor and question what on earth she was thinking, how could she even think that of me and my family.  I am not perfect. I am a flawed person and flawed mother.  I am human.  But, I think I am a good mother.  I love my children more than I can explain.  I am proud of the way I have chosen to parent them.  I am proud of the way they are growing. I am proud of us. The DCFS thing was cutting because it was essentially saying I am not a good parent.  It has not been easy for us for the past few years.  I have had health struggles, we have a lot of kids.  But I'll be damned if my children are not at the forefront of my mind with every choice I make. 

Hi, there, excuse me--- did you call DCFS on us? and other conversation starters

It has been well documented that my kidney and I do not get on well- like at all. 

This past weekend I was back in the hospital because it was blocked up and infected.  Husband was of course working, where else would he be? (Seriously it seems like every time I have a crisis he is at work and just can't get away--- of course it doesn't help that he works an average of 100 hours a week)

I asked around and my sister was able to drive out from Chicago with her kids to watch mine- you know what would have happened if I couldn't find someone to watch them? I would have stayed home or brought them with me because leaving 5 kids home alone is a shitty idea.

When my sister and her kids got here- I had made dinner and written out some basics for her to deal with the kids.

The next day when husband got home she left.  Brian was at home with the kids doing support calls (working) in the basement. He had told the kids that they may not go out and play and they could not open the door etc because he was working.

A neighbor kid came over and talked to one of my kids through the window- my child said they could open the door or answer go out because mommy was in the hospital and daddy was working. 

Shortly after this a police officer showed up at the door and asked to see my husband- who was working downstairs.  He came up and said that they had received a call from DCFS reporting a tip that our children were home alone (WTF)!!! My husband called me fuming.

When I was discharged from the hospital I received a call on my cell from a DCFS case worker to arrange a visit.

The DCFS lady came the next day and talked with my kids and cleared everything up.  I am so unbelievably mad.  I know who did this.  But I am struggling on confronting her- how do I start that conversation?

I understand why she was concerned but to not to verify what actually happened or was happening?? That is a shitty thing to do. 

The entire thing makes me so terribly mad. My kids were horrified and scared- Peas cried nearly all night blaming herself. My anxiety went from bad to unbearable.

I have signed out of the hospital against medical advice to be home when we did not have a sitter, my husband had used ALL of his sick time to care for the kids when I was sick.

Instead of being kind and helpful she was mean and spiteful, if she was that concerned about the safety of the kids why did she not verify it? Why did she not offer to help? What she did helps no one, and makes things much more stressful.