On Suicide and Mental Illness

If I remember correctly I have addressed mental illness briefly in this blog after a tragedy.  I had hoped, in vain, that maybe, possible there would be a real discussion about the mental health issues in society.  Obviously, this is not the case.

People are still stigmatized by their mental illness.  People are still isolated.  Even the people who have access to the best medicine has to offer, are over powered by these diseases.  These diseases (and that is what they are: diseases- just the same as diabetes, asthma, cancer- and just as deadly) are powerful.

It is not cowardly to commit suicide (it is an act of desperation) it cowardly to call a sick person names and judge them.  The illnesses are powerful and scary, they can take over and rip lives apart.  The illness is in control not the individual.

A person with depression or mental illness has as much choice in the matter as someone with any chronic illness. Would you tell someone with kidney failure to just think positively, or to make their kidneys work?  No (and I certainly hope not). Then don't do it to someone with a mental illness.

Robin Williams was a genius, a gifted man.  Sadly, he was also a tortured soul as so many geniuses are.  His dramatic roles in (Dead Poets Society and Good Will Hunting are two of my favorites) changed lives.  His comedy was brilliant. He brought joy to so many people. He was able to reach into peoples hearts and touch them. The world has lost a great man.

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

                         But O heart! heart! heart!

                            O the bleeding drops of red,

                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

                         Here Captain! dear father!

                            This arm beneath your head!

                               It is some dream that on the deck,

                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

                            But I with mournful tread,

                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

 Walt Whitman


Patch Adams and his character's suicidal feelings seem all that much more poignant now

I am running out of spare parts

I do not have: wisdom teeth, appendix, and one kidney.

Soon I will also lack a gall bladder. Apparently it has been acting up for a while and I just started to tune into the issues since I was no longer in pain from an obnoxious kidney.

I have to schedule its execution date at some point and I really really am not looking forward to it.  I hoped to be done with surgeries. 

In talking with my surgeon I joked that I am running out of removable parts- soon I'll be down to the bare minimum for functioning.  He laughed and said he and his colleagues had a bet going to see who could remove the most parts from a person and still have a functional life. I rolled my eyes so hard. 

Bringing Summer Back

It was nearly 90 degrees here last week for a day and I decided to live it up with the kids.

We went to two playgrounds and then to the Arboretum- which is one of our favorite places one that we have not been to in a while but once there it was like revisiting happier times with my like minded mama friends from whom we have drifted away or who have moved away.

We must give off a pheromone of crunchy family as we immediately started chatting with a mom dabbling in crunchy life.

It was almost like before I got sick.  Before I started living live around doctor visits and pain, and I loved it.  So did the kids.

Honestly, I hurt. My lack of kidney hurt. My incisions hurt. But it was worth it.

It was a great way to start the summer.  I even got my first sunburn of the season. 

There are somethings that you really should pay people to do.

One of those things is a Brazilian wax.  They get pricey fast. So I decided to give it a DIY try.  Bad idea. Very bad idea.

There was a moment when I had a clump of wax attached to hair and I thought I would have to live with this wax attached to me or go to a wax salon with a 'wax emergency'.  Thankfully, I was able to suck it up and rip out the hair and roots and some skin (who needs skin?).

Once you start--- you are kind of committed- it would be hard to proclaim a new style trend.

I was torn--- do I finish up? Or make a lady part fashion statement?

This is not a good DIY project.  It is definitely worth paying someone to do this job. I already booked my appointment for next time.

Confessions from a pole class

I had another class with and awesome instructor.

We worked on these tricks

and I got them.  First time. Which means I was able to do the dove on the pole and felt super secure.  So AWESOME.

Pole dancing is the unique time that I can go to the studio in a crabby bitchy mood and be able to walk in and feel the weight of the world and all of the things that I am juggling mysteriously disappear.

I also was able to get the superman fall.

The frustrating thing.  Is my wrist was really bugging me on my cartwheels.  Well you can't have everything.  Pole dancing is really a challenging sport.  Give it a try!

Everyone Grieves Differently

We are all individuals so it shouldn't be so surprising should it?

Each of us grieve differently. Sometimes this does not go over so well when one's way of grieving drastically are opposed to another person- especially in close family.

Some people like to be around others and share memories, talk about the person who passed.  Others turn to prayer, others take charge and get things done.

Each of these types clearly has its practical application.

I am  the type of person who gets anxious. I can't sleep.  I get a nervous stomach. I want to hide.  My grief is private.

So it is hard.  Hard to balance the needs of my kids, the needs of my other family.

You see, my grandmother and I were not always particularly close.  I mean, I loved her- of course- but I felt it was a distant love- she was so amazing and so wonderful- I felt I could never measure up.

In the past several years, I became close to her. It was hard to visit her, bringing all of the kids to see her- being quiet is not there strong suit- she loved seeing them.  I loved seeing her with them.  They played with the same coasters that I played with as a kid.

My grief is more wavy. Sometimes I need to be away from everyone. Alone.  I can remember her. I can remember her laugh, her smile, her amazing fudge.

Its a basic reaction kids do something funny- I think how she'll smile or laugh when she hears about it.  Then its back.  I don't need to tell her. I can't tell her. Her soul is next to Gd.

My kids are still little not all of them will have a clear memory of her.  Her memory will be honored though.  My kids will learn what she taught me, aside from making fudge, she taught me strength, compassion, and love.

How to parent when dealing with pain

I don't know if you have missed me.  But I have missed writing.

Pain has been back in a big way.  My kidney has been causing me severe pain.

Last Thursday it was at its peak for me and I went to the ER.  I ended up having emergency surgery to relieve the pressure in my kidney.  A stent was put in and antibiotics started.  I hoped the antibiotics and the stent would set me right again.

It didn't work.  My pain level skyrocketed.  My normal routine of pain meds were not touching my pain, with all of the pain my kids were getting the really short end of the stick in a crabby tired mommy who had no energy for anything.  Things that I would normally laugh at sent me into a rage. It was unfair for them and depressing for me.

My stent was removed yesterday, as it had become occluded and prevented my kidney from draining.  But the pain continued, worsened even.  Enough pain that I again considered the ER- in the end I sat in a tub of hot water and practiced breathing techniques. 

This morning the pain is much better, not gone but good enough I felt like I could move without screaming.  We even went outside!

Which brings me to managing to parent when you are in serious pain.  It stinks but it is a fact of life for so many of us. 

Parenting is hard enough.  Adding pain or illness too it just ups the difficulty level by a factor of 100.
It is not all bad though.  Kids can learn that we need to work as a team, that empathy is important, and that parents make mistakes too.

I run out of patience so much faster when in pain.  I know I have said things I do not mean to my children when I hurt.  It doesn't take back what I said but I apologize to them- they at least can understand that I am admitting I was wrong and I am sorry I hurt their feelings.

Children can be very caring individuals.  They want to make their friends and family feel better.  My kids make up some wonderful songs to cheer me up and draw amazing pictures.  Let them be a part of helping you feel better- even if it is matching socks- it is one less thing for you to do.

Teamwork is an important life lesson to learn in general.  In our family we all work together.  If we are working against each other nothing would ever get done.  By working together and helping each other we can do more that we could imagine. 

Shingles-- not just for the roof

I had always assumed Shingles was something of an older persons malady.  Hahahahaha no.

That was until I noticed a few bumps on my back one night in the bath.  I assumed another allergic reaction, I am allergic to everything.

Next day the bumps hurt.  A lot. I also felt like crap.  No- I did not connect them.

Another day passes.  More bumps and a strange pain.  I took a picture emailed it to my doctor-- best idea ever, seriously.  and I have Shingles- he puts me on HERPES medicine.  I know that Shingles and Chicken Pox are all Herpes viruses it is just really embarrassing to get my script for herpes meds filled at the local Walgreen's.

They hurt.  A lot. Not cool.

Throbbing Headache

This sucks.  I have to whine for a moment.  But it really freaking hurts.  I have had this headache for what seems like forever and a day.  I have napped, taken OTC meds, had baths, acupuncture (which actually worked briefly), homeopathy, tried caffeine, and water with no relief.  I am miserable.  My head will not stop hurting and there is nothing that I can seemingly do for it.

My head hurts and I am tired of it.  I am tired of pain.  I can't say I am angry.  I am just tired of it.. I want it to stop. Now--- yesterday even.

The kids are sick of it too.  I am snippy when it hurts and they have done nothing to deserve it.

Headache, headache, go away.... come back again another day (or never).

Post Surgery Owies

Surgery is not supposed to be fun, I don't think.

Mama's the world over spend years cautioning their kids to not cut themselves, and to sign informed consents for someone to knock you out and cut you open is counter-intuitive.

But again, I did. And again it hurts. I had my wrist put back together yesterday. And am now doing everything one-handed. Typing only with my right hand is slower and bothersome.... but there are a lot more obnoxious things. For example, I can't open my pain pill bottle. Putting a diaper on an uncooperative baby with one hand is like wrestling an angry octopus...I could go on and on. It is not pleasant, hopefully, this will be short lived.