Its been quiet around here huh?

Well--- sometimes no news is good news, sometimes no news is just busy, and sometimes, no news means my kidney is up to trickery and I am having hard time accepting it.

I got sick in June.  Like I do, I wished it away, figured that it was stress and it would get better.  I went to the doctor after a few days and he gave me antibiotics and all was well.  A few days later, I couldn't keep anything down.  Even the Zofran for nausea. So went to the ER. After waiting a year and a day the doc took one look at me and admitted me.  She seriously didn't even run labs first. 

7 days.  7 days on IV antibiotics to kick this infection.

Home for a few days. 

Then sick again. 


This time with scary bacteria.  My kidney does a go big or go home thing apparently-- and it goes big.

So now I am on antibiotics-- they make me very very tired and have some other fun side effects. Also learned today that I will need to investigate some funky stuff on my ovaries further.

But........

I am ok. My kids are great, having a wonderful summer. B is wonderful. life is beautiful

Right now, I can be awake for about 2 hours before I need to sleep again, so I will write more when I have more energy.

Positive change

Typically, I am awful about dealing with change. When we remodeled the kitchen when I was a child, I cried for weeks.  When my mom got braces, I cried.  When my mom cut her hair I cried. Schedule changes are rough for me too.

For the past few years pole had been my refuge. My escape hatch from a busy life.  When things were rough I could count on pole to spin me back into a good mood.  Then I got sick. Really sick. I had surgeries. And more surgeries. I didn't get all the way better, I would get marginally better, then get sick again.  I had another baby. I got sicker. More surgeries.

Finally, I am getting better.  I am healthier.  But when I started back on the pole- so much that I took for granted was so hard, and it was defeating. I know that I could do something-- at one point- but now I am not strong enough anymore.  For a few weeks this was killing me.  It was depressing. It was dragging me down.

But I noticed tonight- my body is changing again, it is getting stronger. My muscles are coming back.  My flexibility is coming back.  I am not where I was, but soon I will be, I have to keep working at it.

So I owe heaps of thanks to Kymba of Kymberly's Aerial Pole Art and Fitness for sticking with me and showing me the joy in pole again.  While helping me get my butt back in shape.

My unbroken heart

My right kidney is a pain. This is established. It has finally reached the point that it is safer to have it removed than to keep it.  Between infections, obstructions, pain it is better to get it out.

I went for my pre surgical clearance and my doctor did an EKG, I expected it to be fine; thought it was overkill and said that. 

It did not come back ok.  I had inverted T waves.  These have many different causes some really bad, some not so bad, and some benign entirely.  I was sent to a cardiologist and had a stress echo.  Again, expected this to show all was well. It didn't.  By this time I was terrified.

One of the things I have said many times, that if I had to have a an organ system with problems I am thankful that its my kidneys.  There are a lot of options for kidney issues- and if it progresses terribly, dialysis is an option (I am no where near that) but its nice to know it's there. Hearts are more scary. 

Of course having anxiety did not make this any easier. Panic was my constant companion.  Of course I went to the worst case scenario.. over and over.  I couldn't have a heart problem.  I am too healthy. Not possible. OMG, my kids, I was terrified of well, potentially dying. Obviously this was ridiculous, but it is how my brain works.

Tuesday I had a nuclear cardiac scan.  I was told if there was something wrong I would not be going home, but heading to the Cath Lab.  The doctors said it was more concerning because I have the clotting issues.

The doctor was very considerate, knowing that I was scared, was compassionate and read the test right away. There was no evidence of disease. I am fine. Cleared for surgery.  No cardiac issues.

My surgery was delayed, and I have to get a new date, and that is annoying.

Please stop saying "I Can't"

I am not a closet pole dancer.  I am very open about it.  When I tell some one new what I do, quite often he or she will say, "I can't (or couldn't) do that" to be followed up with one of the following: I am not sexy, I am not coordinated, I am not strong enough, I am not flexible, I am not that kind of person, I am not etc....

Here's the deal: ANYONE can pole dance.  It doesn't have to be sexy.  You don't have to be strong (that is why you pole dance- to get stronger).  You don't have to be flexible (if you choose to work on it- this will change). You don't have to have incredible confidence, pole dancing can help with that (I swear).

Pole dancing can be whatever you want it to be sexy or athletic, full of tricks or not.  Its about YOU. No one else.  When I have done a routine with my classes- even though we are doing the same tricks in the same order to the same music each woman looks totally unique. That is awesome. No one else can dance like you- because no one else is you.

Stop saying "I can't".  You can.  If you don't want to or tried it and didn't like it-- that's fine.  But you can pole dance- everyone can.

Go back to the pole- back to the basics

I had a really bad experience at pole a while ago- it drastically turned me off.  It was not an injury or anything, I just was taken by surprise and my feelings really hurt.  It hurt me so deeply for a while I stopped going to pole for a few weeks.  I felt like the joy had been ripped away from me.

This is not nearly as flat as I want it to be-- but I need to get back into shape.

Thankfully- a great gym offered me a job teaching classes there and allowed me to come and practice there.

I got back on the pole and at first was really grumpy.  I had been away for a bit, had a major surgery, and then a minor surgery.   I hadn't fully come back from the first surgery and with all the time away I was not as strong as usual and certain tricks (some of my favorites) were not working for me.  That is maddening. Absolutely maddening.

But a great person, a great woman, a great poler- talked to me and in the end I had a great time again.  My tricks aren't back yet but soon.  

Pole Dancing

Did you think I would stay away? NEVER.

My wrist still hurts a bit, and I have had to learn to not put too much stress on it, I also have had to adjust the tricks I can do to respect my wrists limitations- it is frustrating because I am used to being able to will my body to do what I want it to do.  I could always work hard enough and push hard enough I would be able to get my body, or brain, or whatever to bend to my will.

(me stubborn?? NEVER)

But now I have learned and am continuing to learn I need to respect my wrist's boundaries.  Its a process.  I have to regain my strength and flexibility.

I have gotten my Ayesha, pencil, brass monkey, pole sit back.  I and working on my cartwheel balance- I just need time to work on it- stopping when upside down is a challenge and supporting your body on your arms- away from your body.

Last night after a lot of practice I got my Dove back.  Next up- Superman fall.  

I have had a lot of questions about why I keep coming back-- or how.

Here's the thing.  Pole dancing is mine. My time. My thing. I love it.  I am proud of my body.  Even if I never lose another pound or always have some jiggle. My body is pretty amazing.  It has come through hell. Sickness. Injury. Childbirth. And yet. Is pretty great.  That feeling.  That feeling of accomplishment is why I come back.

Feeling connected to myself.  Feeling proud of myself.  Feeling happy. That is why I come back.
I would love to be able to share my absolute passion with other women.  This is one reason I am so proud to be an Ambassador for Tease. 

I am not a bitch. Really.

I am not a bitch, really, even though I seem like one (and act like one). I am really not.

For the longest time I thought I was just a crabby pain in the butt and very mean. But you know what? I am not.

So many people (family members included) told me I was just a mean person.

I was talking to my doctor about all of these symptoms I was having, headaches, irritability, actual nervousness, catastrophic thinking, etc-- guess what. I am not a bitch. I have anxiety. Anxiety can be managed. Anxiety makes life hard.

It can make the nicest person ever seem like the Wicked Witch.

Anxiety does not always manifest as panic attacks- it can take many forms. Food for thought- almost all people who have anxiety also have depression- though again the manifestation is not classic. (Thanks Dr. Grim for that info - what an unfortunate name for a psychologist, huh??)

How the other half lives

Most of the time I am really content with my life. Every once in a while I get sucked onto a trap though.

My family is larger than average.

Every month though- despite living modestly- we end up scraping by- we look at the bills and the income and think, "well this is going to be fun...."

What would it be like to not worry? What would it be like to not have to utter a quick prayer that we manage?

Then I remember- so maybe we are financially tight- and that can be stressful. But we have each other. We have so much to be very thankful for.