Labor and Delivery.

Let me say this: I am not pregnant.

I was talking to a friend today discussing pregnancy- and how it can be challenging. That it can be uncomfortable and painful- but I'd do it again for each of my kids- even the labor and delivery part.

Suddenly, I remembered being pregnant with Princess and sitting on the back porch and realizing that this baby was going to come out one way or another and it probably would not be my favorite time of the whole experience.  I was terrified. The scene from "Alien" played in my mind.

I was foolishly under the impression that if I prepared enough I would be in control and calm.  As with everything else parent and child related: control is an illusion. 

Astonishingly, that was 11 years ago now (Princess, just turned 10). 

Hyperemsis Gravidarum

Oh Duchess (or Princess) I feel for you.  

Hyperemisis ins not just morning sickness it is really hell, absolute and total hell.  It was wanting to die but knowing you wanted your baby.  It was actually considering abortion.  It was going on anti nausea meds meant for cancer patients.  It was painful.  I have had experienced it complete with home IV therapy. 

Whats worse is unless you have been there, you can't understand.

Hyperemesis can cause re-emergence of depression or anxiety.  It is very lonely.  

I remember wanting to hit anyone who brushed me off as having morning sickness- but I couldn't move without being dizzy or puking.  I questioned myself a lot-- was I doing the right thing? Was I just being dramatic?  Was my doctor treating me effectively? I desperately wanted to explain to my husband how hellish it was and being so angry when he minimized it. 

The judgement.  Oh the judgement was hurtful.  It cut deep. 


 The thing that helped the most was finding other women who had been there.  So my advice to anyone who has hyperemisis is to know that you are not alone.  You are not weak-  you are stronger than you know. 
Find a community who will support you and lean on them. 

Where'd the Pole Go?

I have not been blogging so much about pole lately because I am having a hard time with it.

My pole history in brief:

I started pole in February of 2010. I had to take the majority of the summer of 2010 off because of kidney issues then more time in the fall/winter for 2 major surgeries, asthma issues, and an injured wrist.

All was mostly well until August 2011 when I had wrist surgery and learned Henry would be joining our family.

I went back to pole a few weeks after Henry was born (I resumed classes in April 2012) but had to have kidney surgery (yet again) in July of 2012 this required more time off.

Going to pole has been discouraging and humiliating because I cannot do some of the tricks I took for granted. Monkey Climb? Sure. Shoulder Mount to Pencil? Got it. I could catch on to new tricks with relative ease and incorporate them into my routine without being scared.

Now? Not so much. I feel like I can't put together even what is supposed to be a fun dance- my mind blanks. Tricks that *should* come easy are hard. Opposite side invert? I just got that sucker back.

And I am slippery! I have never been terribly slippery before grip aids were great for new things but usually I didn't need them, now I cannot find a darn grip aid that helps me!

Here is the issue. All of this was really eroding at my self esteem. I would leave class and be angry at myself. I would almost dread class. Pole dancing was not the happy refuge that it was.

I made a decision. I would give up. I suck and there are no two ways around it.

My instructor pointed out that yes I started dancing for 2.5 years but I have not actually been dancing that long. With that time I have had to take off 20 months. So within that 32 month time I have had to miss 18-20 months- and not just miss because work got busy but because I had a baby, multiple surgeries, injuries, it is not like I could just jump back in.

So sure. I can't do somethings now but give me time- I will.

What not to say to a pregnant person with an eating disorder

I have the pleasure of seeing multiple doctors and health care providers pretty frequently during my pregnancies- this one is no different.

At my most recent appointment the nurse commented on my weight gain. Until this appointment, I did not know my weight, and was doing a decent job of living in ignorance with small moments of panic interspersed. The comment implied that I had gained too much weight and that I should be very careful from here on out- well thanks.

I have been open with my doctors and healthcare providers about my eating issues. It is not a secret. It is plain and simple on my chart. Immediately, I called her out on it, telling her that as a person with a prolific eating disorder history these type of comments can easily send me into a tailspin. When my doctor came in- he got an earful too. Funny thing though- is he was not concerned about my weight, he is actually happy that I have continued to gain weight at a steady pace, and has no issues with the overall number.

Regardless, be careful what you say to someone- you may not be aware of what lurks beneath their skin. Without a doubt a few years ago- a comment like that would have sent me into outright panic, and would not have been healthy for the baby or me. Now, it pissed me off a lot, but I am lucky enough to have a support system to help keep my feet on the ground.

Pregnancy and Eating Disorders

If you have read my blog you probably know that I have a long struggle with an eating disorder. It has been my (almost)lifelong companion. It is not a good companion, it one I have tried to shake many times but have come to realize that some parts and patterns in my thinking will just always be there, I have to learn how to deal with them.

Anyway- pregnancy creates a huge challenge. It is a time during which a person is expected to gain weight. A mother's body is supposed to change to accommodate another person. This can be overwhelming for a person with a more normal relationship with food and weight. For me, and many people with eating disorders, this can be crippling.

First, I never expected to be able to get pregnant. I was usually thin enough that I did not menstruate as a teenager- and fertility is often impacted by a long term eating disorder (it is part of the aftermath- that never goes away).

Clearly, my ability to become pregnant was not impacted.

The first trimester is hard especially because I have a history of purging to lose weight, morning sickness threw me for a loop. It was almost an excuse to purge. It took a lot of work to learn to modify my thinking and behavior.

I do not know my weight. I go to the doctor every week but stand backward on the scale and have asked that no one tell me my weight, because I am afraid that knowing the number will upset the delicate balance I have forged in my head. Realistically, I know that weight gain is necessary to support a pregnancy. But I cannot help but start panicking about being fat. I can't change my reaction, but I can change how I deal with my reaction.

Pregnancy is probably the hardest time for me to maintain stability. Hormones are crazy add to my predisposition to anxiety, if I am not watchful it can be a recipe for disaster. Nightly, I stand in front of the mirror looking for stretch marks, for cellulite, for fat that was not there yesterday, despite my conscious efforts to accept the physical changes as a necessary part of making a person.

Too Cute!

Peas is excited about having a new brother, but she is a little confused by it.

Initially, when I first told the kids about the baby, she was very upset. Peas thought that having a new baby meant that we were getting rid of Pixie.

It was really sad to see her so upset but it was so sweet to see her care so much about her sister. She hugged Pixie, and said, "No! Keep Pixie! She stays!" Of course, I reassured her that Pixie was not going anywhere, we were just adding another member to our family.

I thought this was past and resolved but today again, she brought it up, and again was angry that I would consider getting rid of Pixie. She was relieved though when I told her Pixie would be staying.

Pregnancy Smell Aversion Strikes Again

The smells of truly innocent things have been making me vomit. Spaghetti and Meatballs? Banned. Anything involving garlic, banned.

That is okay.

The pregnancy super sense of scent has now forced me to abandon cloth diapers. I just can handle the smell. Hopefully soon, I will be able to get back to cloth dipes, but for now we are back to disposables and even those end up with me gagging most of the time.

Seeing as I am in the 2nd trimester, I should be past this soon right? Right? Give me some hope here.

All joking aside, I feel guilty. Cloth is so much better for my baby and the Earth. It isn't even that much work- I have to do laundry anyway, what is a couple more loads (especially loads that I do not have to invest massive time in folding!?)

Hopefully. Hopefully. Soon we will be back to cloth.

Skunked.

Thank you captain obvious, right?

Well it stinks even more when combined with morning sickness. It just is gross. It is cruel you know, at the time when my sense of smell is already heightened beyond belief to add skunk to it.

The other night the dogs were out in the yard while I was putting the kids to bed. All of a sudden there was a little yelp followed by the unmistakable odor of skunk. The pungent close range skunk, that you can even taste.

Charlie- the golden doodle- took a direct hit in the face. This is not his first time being skunked. I would have expected even him to learn that skunks do not equal a good time.

However, he has not.

The dogs stayed in the mudroom overnight, because, well they just smelled awful. Everything smelled (and still does smell) awful.

Thankfully, Charlie was not injured in the attack.

We used hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and soap to try and combat the stench, and it worked reasonably well.

Hopefully, soon, the rest of the smell that permeates the house will dissipate. So fat I have made bread, cookies, and oatmeal bars to try and counteract the smell to minimal avail.

What's in a name?

With the unexpected pregnancy, I have had the fun and stress of thinking about naming this baby.

Naming a baby stresses me out. It is one of the first chances I have to really mess up the baby.

I have been stalking baby name generators, baby name meanings, baby girl names, and baby boy names hoping for inspiration. I have come up woefully short. There are very few names that I can honestly see naming a baby, and given the other kids names I need to make sure that it at least 'goes' a little.

Given Princess's first name can be a boys name or a girls name I would feel weird naming a boy (if this is a boy) a name that is even remotely unisex. I also can not see naming a girl an overly frilly name given the names of the girls.

To make it more interesting, I also care about the baby name meaning. Like Anne of Green Gables, I can't see a rose smelling as sweet if it were called a skunk cabbage.

So any ideas for brilliant baby names?

Some witty title about asthma I guess

I had a mini vacation, not the good kind, the really over expensive medical kind- the hospital.

Colds come and go right? For me they go and live in my chest for a while and make all sorts of insanity. For a few days my breathing had been tight, I stepped up my meds, and paid attention, but it kept getting worse. I started steroids and breathing treatments, I just could not get ahead of it. Finally, on Saturday it was clear I was losing the battle and went to the hospital.

They got me in and hooked up to oxygen and a breathing treatment super fast. I looked and sounded like crap.

Sweet relief that is IV steroids, dual breathing treatments, mag, and epinephrine. Oxygen is good. Breathing is good. I was no longer sweating to breathe.

The doctor did not want to send me home much to my disappointment (however this turned out to be very wise). I was sent upstairs. The hospital has a new bed tower. It is nicer than most hotels I have stayed in. Really.

Either this hospital just has amazing nurses, or I have really gotten lucky every time I have been there.

My breathing turned for crap again way too soon and the ICU was mentioned- this one I stood firm on. NO ICU. I got to stay in my room, but my meds were bumped up.

Asthma and pregnancy can be tricky. No mom wants to expose her child to unnecessary medication, but the potential risks to the baby from lack of oxygen are more severe and more real than risks from meds.

I have been asthmatic as long as I can remember. Despite that, sometimes it takes me by surprise and catches me off guard.

This morning my doctor was concerned with my pulse being to fast and given my history of clotting, pregnancy, and other risks, he elected to up my heprin and test me for pulmonary emboli- which thankfully were absent, and I was allowed to go home.