StripCraft and Booty Work

A while ago I was fortunate enough to take a workshop with the incomparable Lux ATL one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege to meet.

I love pole.  It is my sanctuary, it functions as a work-out, social time, therapy, and so much more for me.  However, I am not much of a dancer, I struggle with flow.  I struggle with confidence, I struggle...

This workshop was heaven.  It was home.

First: Lux is crazy smart.  Which is so cool-- but not unusual in the pole world- the number of women who are unbelievably smart is staggering. What makes Lux unique is that she is so approachable she accepts and values her students as women where ever we are.  She also speaks her mind- this is hard. As a women if you speak your mind too loudly you're a bitch or worse... Lux embraces this and encourages women to embrace this.. I have an awesome shirt from her that reads "pro bitch"

When I dance I get self conscious and convince myself that everyone is so much better than I am- so much sexier-- essentially just that I stink.

Which leads me to....

Second:  It was like she was talking to me when she was laying out the class. Which leads me to believe my fears and anxieties are not unusual.

The first tenet of her class is:

Only you possess what only you possess

Simple, huh? Well yes, this makes sense, but how do I know what I possess that only I possess?  That is the journey.  That we all have to learn and to learn it we have to play with a lot of things and inevitably make mistakes.  As we are learning and on our jouney, remember that everyone else is on their own journey and we may all be making mistakes as we learn and grow.

The second is: 

Be vulnerable. Be willing to act weird in public

I certainly and self conscious and am afraid to act silly in public for fear of "what will people think?"
By staying in my comfort zone I am limiting myself and not growing.  Growth happens outside an individual's comfort zone. Make an impression. Be weird. Have fun. Embrace it. 

The third and final tenet is:

No shame. No fear. No apologies. Just Love. 

This one have a hard time with. I struggle with shame. I struggle with being fearful. I apologize way too much. I can extent love and acceptance to everyone but myself.  Recently, Amy Schumer did a skit on women and apologizing and how we as women apologize for everything.  

So I am working on it. 

I also plan on taking her classes again to really have the chance to better absorb her wisdom and learn from her incredible booty isolation ways.


Day to day- I am carrying her lessons with me, and not just practicing booty isolations in traffic- but embracing myself for who I am and loving it. All of it.

No, I don't dance for anyone

No one aside from my pole sisters have ever seen me pole dance. 

Pole dancing has been thought of as a sexual act for so long, and it is. Really, pole rose to prominence in the US because of exotic dancers (aka strippers).  Without them, pole would not be. Pole can also be sensual, athletic, modern, or lyrical etc- it is an art, a sport, a career- it is whatever the individual doing it wants it to be.

For me though- pole helps me get in touch with my feelings, it helps me get in touch with my (please do not laugh too hard) sexy side.

So why do I want to get in touch with my sexy side if I am not going to let someone see? I do not believe that as a woman, as a pole dancer I need to be of sexual service to men unless I want to. There is no obligation inherent in being a pole dancer (for fitness or any other purpose).

A lot of people say something along the lines of "your husband must be happy" or "I bet he loves to watch you practice".

I do not pole for anyone but myself.

When I say something along the lines of "Well no one else has seen me dance" most often I am met with a response in the vein of "Then what's the point?" Which is to say: what is the point of being and feeling sexy if someone else is not going to benefit from it?

I want to feel connected to my femininity, my sexuality, my sensual side for me. Not for the benefit of someone else.  

and just because I can-- here are UNEDITED pictures from a shoot I had.

On Suicide and Mental Illness

If I remember correctly I have addressed mental illness briefly in this blog after a tragedy.  I had hoped, in vain, that maybe, possible there would be a real discussion about the mental health issues in society.  Obviously, this is not the case.

People are still stigmatized by their mental illness.  People are still isolated.  Even the people who have access to the best medicine has to offer, are over powered by these diseases.  These diseases (and that is what they are: diseases- just the same as diabetes, asthma, cancer- and just as deadly) are powerful.

It is not cowardly to commit suicide (it is an act of desperation) it cowardly to call a sick person names and judge them.  The illnesses are powerful and scary, they can take over and rip lives apart.  The illness is in control not the individual.

A person with depression or mental illness has as much choice in the matter as someone with any chronic illness. Would you tell someone with kidney failure to just think positively, or to make their kidneys work?  No (and I certainly hope not). Then don't do it to someone with a mental illness.

Robin Williams was a genius, a gifted man.  Sadly, he was also a tortured soul as so many geniuses are.  His dramatic roles in (Dead Poets Society and Good Will Hunting are two of my favorites) changed lives.  His comedy was brilliant. He brought joy to so many people. He was able to reach into peoples hearts and touch them. The world has lost a great man.

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,

The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;

                         But O heart! heart! heart!

                            O the bleeding drops of red,

                               Where on the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,

For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

                         Here Captain! dear father!

                            This arm beneath your head!

                               It is some dream that on the deck,

                                 You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,

The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;

                         Exult O shores, and ring O bells!

                            But I with mournful tread,

                               Walk the deck my Captain lies,

                                  Fallen cold and dead.

 Walt Whitman


Patch Adams and his character's suicidal feelings seem all that much more poignant now

You don't have to like everyone, but you have to be nice.

Or do you?

There seem to be a few different schools of thought on this.  On person in particular comes to mind.  Given the fact that s/he is in his/her mid to late twenties and will be stuck interacting for the foreseeable future- I would expect politeness.  To be honest, I am not this persons biggest fan either but I refuse to be anything less than nice.

To be honest, this person has hurt me a lot.  I am not saying I am blameless.  It has been more than 10 years since I acted like an idiot though- and I have apologized and totally changed my behavior. I don't even feel like I can tell anyone who this person is without causing more drama than may be worth it. I just wish someone would see how this person acts and address it- without me having to be involved (yes-  I know this is totally ridiculous.)

So what do you do when some people just refuse to be have like adults? Short of sinking to their level What is the best option? I could 'get even' but I don't want to.  Whats the point? Then we have 2 people acting like idiots.

As it stands I am very hesitant to allow my children or myself around this individual, but short of directly saying "your acting like a nutcase I don't want to be around you, and I don't want you around my kids?" what is there too do?





There needs to be a flow chart for this.

Why saying you don't see color is BS.

Unless you are a dog or color blind... in which case- you're excused.

I have a lot of friends who are legitimately socially liberal people.  Good on them right?


One thing that they say with relative frequency is, "I don't see color-- I see the person."  I call bull crap.

It is insulting to everyone involved.  First- I felt guilty because- I'll admit- I do see color- and I don't judge them for it (duh) but I have to acknowledge that a person of color is going to have different day to day experiences than I do. To insinuate otherwise is insulting.

A person of color should be proud of their melanin. It does not define them, nor make them who they are-- but it is a part of their lives and influences them. It connects them to a deep rich history.

By saying "I don't see color" a person is insinuating that  they do not see the differences in life experiences that white people don't deal with- a friend of mine recently related a story of a traffic stop that was so insulting and so unbelievable (yet clearly true) I have no idea what to say!

To point.  I was pulled over recently.  I did not have a non expired insurance card on me- we have insurance, but the card was missing  The police office said not to worry about it- that he was sure I had insurance and let me know kindly my tail light was out. I bet this would not have happened this way for my friend.

So say that 'I don't see color' is saying that I don't see something that impacts so many aspects of a persons life, and that is insulting.

Please stop saying "I Can't"

I am not a closet pole dancer.  I am very open about it.  When I tell some one new what I do, quite often he or she will say, "I can't (or couldn't) do that" to be followed up with one of the following: I am not sexy, I am not coordinated, I am not strong enough, I am not flexible, I am not that kind of person, I am not etc....

Here's the deal: ANYONE can pole dance.  It doesn't have to be sexy.  You don't have to be strong (that is why you pole dance- to get stronger).  You don't have to be flexible (if you choose to work on it- this will change). You don't have to have incredible confidence, pole dancing can help with that (I swear).

Pole dancing can be whatever you want it to be sexy or athletic, full of tricks or not.  Its about YOU. No one else.  When I have done a routine with my classes- even though we are doing the same tricks in the same order to the same music each woman looks totally unique. That is awesome. No one else can dance like you- because no one else is you.

Stop saying "I can't".  You can.  If you don't want to or tried it and didn't like it-- that's fine.  But you can pole dance- everyone can.

A day with out antianxiety meds

When I was a teenager there was clearly something wrong with me.  I would get furious, not angry- furious- for no good reason.  I couldn't sleep well.  My thoughts were racing. I had an eating disorder. In short I was nuts.

My parents tried to get me help, and like any teen I fought them tooth and nail.  The doctors tried to tell my parents that I was bipolar. I am not.  I don't lay around in bed unable to move-- just the opposite. My head and thoughts move so fast I can't move.  It is like being pulled in a thousand and three directions at the same time and you can't even begin to figure out what your thinking because your brain has already moved on to 10 new things.

While your at it totally innocuous thoughts become worst case scenarios in seconds. If I were a super hero I would be Worst Case Scenario Girl: able to jump from nothing to catastrophe in seconds.

Finally, as an adult- I found a doctor and explained my thought process. He looked at me and said I had severe anxiety.  He prescribed meds for that.  The first time I took them, I was wary, but then they too effect and it was amazing.  I wondered, "is this how normal people feel all the time?" My brain and thoughts stopped racing.  I stopped having to work my self up to being able to handle the stress of grocery shopping.  Picking a brand of OJ was no longer a 10 minute debate.  I didn't snap at my husband.  I didn't get so frustrated with everything.  Life was so much more enjoyable.

The day before yesterday, I ran out of meds.  I was only out for a day.  But in that day- my behavior change was obvious.  It was not good.  Thankfully, I got my meds right away and by the next day I had managed to regulate a bit more. 

I am not ashamed of my anxiety and panic disorder.  I am not ashamed of my asthma or kidney issues or my blood issue. They are medical issues that can be treated and when treated I am fine.

This being mental health awareness week I feel the need to speak about how anxiety does not always look like a panic attack.. it can... but it can look a lot of other ways to.

I am not reliant exclusively on meds either.  I exercise a lot- but for times like this, when I need to rest and recover- they are a freaking gift from science (and G-d)

Sometimes the truth is hard to face

I used to pride myself on not being racist.  Then one day I had to face a really uncomfortable truth.  I am racist.  I am not color blind. My experiences as a white girl from the Chicago suburbs have impacted my worldview- I certainly do not believe that black (African American people are (insert negative adjective here).  I think we are all people- but I have to admit- even though it pains me to do so- that I have certain privileges that others do not.

One day, someone I don’t know questioned if one of the women I look up to most in the world for her intelligence, her pride, her willingness to discuss any topic honestly was called racist. 

Admittedly, I know absolute crap about the day to day experiences of black Americans- and I was (and am) concerned that I would stick my foot in my mouth again, or that my words as a white woman would not carry weight. Still I said something.

I said (typed) that my friend is not racist.  She is proud of her heritage (as she should be) angry that white do-gooders so often co-opt her very real day to day experiences in a self-serving manner, “Look at all of the good we are doing for these poor black folks” and it is crap. Complete and total bullshit. 

Honestly, I know exceptionally little about African cultures or day to day experiences of an average black person.  What I do know is that they are justified in their anger.  I know they do not need my help- they are quite capable.

What little I do know about African culture is amazing and beautiful.  Their cultures (the very few that I have learned about) have innate power, beauty, and incredible authenticity.   The last thing they need is my help.  White people have scripted Africa as a whole and people of color as marginalized people who require the saving of white people.  That is NOT true.  They do not need saving- they need to stop having this stupid script played over and over!

What I can do is to work in my community to help heal the wounds that we caused and continue to cause.  I can share within my community my respect for the black experiences, and help my community to realize that we really messed up- then hopefully work to earn the black community’s trust back.

I can never ‘get’ it though, saying otherwise is the worst kind of dishonest.

Let me be clear I do not hate black people (African American), Hispanic people, or anyone.

Pole positivity

One of the things that attracted me most to pole was Kristin's dedication to positivity. She has a studio policy that students and instructors are not to be negative. 

I have never experienced a woman being negative towards another woman.  In class we are always cheering each other on and encouraging each other.  Clearly, I cannot speak to other women's experiences, but I tend to be negative towards myself.  I will say "I can't".  I will be self deprecating.  I will neglect my strengths and compare myself to others.  Often, I don't even realize it is happening. 

Well, now I noticed it.  And I will stop it. Pole is so much more fun, as is life in general when we focus on our strengths and abilities rather than what we are still working on. 

It is so easy to fall back into the habit of negativity towards myself.  I hardly even notice it is happening, until I see my attitude being sour and grumpy.

I am putting this out there as a reminder to me and to anyone else who reads this- you are amazing as you are.  You are strong. You are beautiful. You are smart.

Anxiety in my head

Do you have anxiety?  I do.

Living with anxiety is like living in a pressure cooker.  My thoughts race so fast that I can't put words to them or slow them down long enough to even breath.  My heart races, breathing quickens, and muscles tense- and that is an average day- being engulfed in a sense of terror for no reason feeling like I could lose my mind and jump out of my skin. 

When I found my current doctor, I was suffering from this pretty acutely.  Thankfully, this was an easy one for him to pin down and immediately started me on meds to help calm my mind.  I do not advocate going on medications for every little thing, but there are times when they are necessary.  Sometimes it is a short term thing sometimes it is a long term one, which ever it is- its ok.

People should not feel stigmatized because they are sick.  Whether the sick is a brain thing or a kidney thing or whatever.  It is no ones fault.  Sick is just sick- and sick people need care- not judgement. So I will be very open about my experiences- maybe so others will not feel stigmatized or alone.

When I started the meds and they started working, it was like my head was quieter.  My brain and thoughts slowed to what must be a normal speed. It was amazing to feel that.  Is this what normal people feel like all the time?  I could sit still, I didn't twitch.  I could sleep.  It was like someone stopped pressing fast forward in my head.

Now, especially during stressful times I have break through anxiety and I need to tweak my meds and work on meditation a bit more but now more than ever I don't feel a fight or flight response when the doorbell rings.

I am kinda surprised it took this long

I am open about my pole dancing.  It empowers me as well as makes is a fabulous workout.

A friend of my daughter is trying to stir up trouble with other kids and adults by telling them I pole and how inappropriate it is. 

My daughter knows that it is not in appropriate and is fabulous - but I am sorry she is dealing with a kid who wants to stir the pot.

I am not surprised it is happening-  I am surprised that its happening in this way- with a kid.

Which complicates things.  If it were an adult- I could address it with her, discussing the full details of what I do versus the 'inappropriate' things.